9 tahun silam, di kelas 10, Pak Guru bilang bahwa masa SMA adalah terakhir kalinya kami bisa bersantai menikmati hidup. Katanya, mahasiswa dan orang dewasa lainnya gak berkeliaran sambil nyedot es teh diplastikin.
Aku terpelatuk dengan pernyataan beliau. Pikirku waktu itu adalah, "hah... serius amat". Apalagi, sebagai anak SMA, aku gak merasa nyantai. Masa hidup gini banget sih?
Sejak saat itu, es (gak harus) teh (tapi harus) diplastikin—es cekek—punya sentimen tersendiri buatku. Semacam simbol kebahagiaan.
Sekarang aku kerja di remote site. Bertugas berminggu-minggu jelas menguras energi. Kadang sangat kewalahan karena satu dan banyak hal. Sampai... suatu siang bolong di kantor ada yang bagi-bagi sesuatu:
Es ✅ Teh ✅ Diplastikin ✅ BINGO.
Betul, makin lama kita hidup, makin kompleks juga tantangannya. Tapi entah secara sukarela ataupun tidak disengaja, kita akan terus belajar untuk jadi mengerti. And it turns out that we can focus on the big picture while still enjoying the little details. Jika big picture-nya adalah hal kompleks yang harus disikapi dengan serius, maka little details-nya seperti momen es cekek: sepele tapi bikin nyengir.
Momen es cekek pun gak harus secara harfiah selalu berwujud es cekek. Bisa aja wujudnya kopi panas, coto makassar di kantin mess (menu yang semakin langkaaa ☹️), atau perubahan jadwal penerbangan tanpa pemberitahuan sehingga cutiku terpaksa 👉👈 nambah sehari. Hehe.
Pak Guru yang lain di SMP bilang bahwa kunci hidup bahagia cuma 3: sabar, ikhlas, istiqomah. Kalau yang ini aku setuju. I don't have forever. I only have a lifetime. Just enough to enjoy everything.
2. I run occasionally. Joined a futsal team during college, too.
3. Err, I got good grades and was kinda well-known for it. If that counts...
4. Went to get my mom at the wrong house and tried conversing with the homeowner as if everything was normal. Then realized it midway and excused myself to find my mom next door. I was about 11 or 12.
5. Alan Rickman and Cate Blanchett
6. Being informed "Hey, I arrived safely" cause I can be pretty anxious.
7. Hmm honestly I don't cry at songs that resemble my life, but songs about parents-children relationships might touch me soft. Like Leader of the Band by Dan Fogelberg and Galang Rambu Anarki by Iwan Fals.
8. Very often. I'm extremely self-aware. I scored high in intrapersonal intelligence.
9. That electric mini motorcycle I usually rode around the neighborhood (it was yellow!) and bouncy watermelon-sized balls I used to smack against my bedroom wall for hours, every day, for years.
10. I'm verbally terrible at it, probably better in written media.
11. Yeah I'm quite tall for my group, but I wish I were 5-10 cm taller.
12. Whoaaa it's safe to say I'm a vers. Maybe.
13. The people I like, duh.
14. Sam, O, and several more.
15. I open up differently to different people, so I dunno (yet).
16. How can you have different ways of laughing, I ask???
17. I avoid interactions with strangers lol
18. More inclined to dislike.
19. Reading or movie time.
20. When people can't tell the difference between "di-" and "di ". Indonesians would get it.
21. Please be more specific. How many people am I allowed to bring? Maybe with a super-trained multitalented butler (or buff maid) and let him/her do the work for me. Sounds good?
22. Lunch
23. A paper and a knife. Idk that's just popping in my head.
24. Letters
25. My little brother
26. Nope
27. I wish. It is either they were so good at remaining secret, or I'm too insensitive, or I'm too unattractive, or any combination of them.
When I was a kid
my teachers said
Sweet smart little child,
you're so quiet and we're glad
Go follow them, don't make a noise
We'll give an A if you sit still
Little did they understand
I was doing what I was thinking
And I saw how
having a personality could make a praise
How shallow the adults are
But I'm a good kid so that's okay
Soon I grew a little older
the adults said
Young lad with little sayings,
you're so quiet but shine through
Let's work it out for what you deserve
Put you in the spotlight is all that matters
Little did they understand
I was only being myself
And nothing distracted me really
from my busy vast mind
How the adults never bothered
But I loved it and that's okay
I came near to adulthood
everyone said
Where on earth has the potential gone
All there's left is a brooding frame
Look at me in the eyes, some said
You're deep absorbed and now you're lost
Little did I understand
They were doing what they always do
The docile ones will gonna make it
And not YOU! Not a misfit!
Pride was their narrow standard
Drowned in, overwhelmed, I wasn't okay
Now I'm an adult I've matured quite much
Nobody tells me nothing but the world is too loud
And so I whisper closely to myself,
you're always thinking, am I doing right?
Go write it down or you're forgotten
All that I've learned is all that matters
Everything
From everyone
Through every time
Any that exists by my birth
To what ceases with my demise
All becomes me
Do I ever understand
Life isn't fair it's not about age
And I just have to be okay
Even when the world's not,
I'll stand against it because
I'm okay enough to be me!
Translated into English from 나의 사춘기에게 by Bolbbalgan4.
나는 한때 내가 이 세상에 사라지길 바랬어
At some point in my life, I used to wish that I was gone from this world
온 세상이 너무나 캄캄해 매일 밤을 울던 날
The whole world seemed so dark and I cried every night
차라리 내가 사라지면 마음이 편할까
Will I feel better if I just disappeared?
모두가 날 바라보는 시선이 너무나 두려워
I was so afraid of everyone's eyes on me
아름답게 아름답던 그 시절을 난 아파서
During those beautifully beautiful days, I was in pain
사랑받을 수 없었던 내가 너무나 싫어서
I hated myself so much for not being able to receive love
엄마는 아빠는 다 나만 바라보는데
My mom and my dad, they're only looking at me
내 마음은 그런 게 아닌데 자꾸만 멀어만 가
It's not how I really feel, my heart keeps getting further away
어떡해 어떡해 어떡해 어떡해
What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
시간이 약이라는 말이 내게 정말 맞더라고
The saying time is medicine was really true for me
하루가 지나면 지날수록 더 나아지더라고
As the days went by, I really did get better
근데 가끔은 너무 행복하면 또 아파올까 봐
But sometimes when I'm too happy, I'm afraid I'll be in pain again
내가 가진 이 행복들을 누군가가 가져갈까 봐
I'm afraid that someone will take away this happiness I have
아름다운 아름답던 그 기억이 난 아파서
Those beautifully beautiful memories were so painful
아픈 만큼 아파해도 사라지지를 않아서
I hurt to the point where I could hurt no more but the pain wouldn't go away
친구들은 사람들은 다 나만 바라보는데
My friends, all these people, they're only looking at me
내 모습은 그런 게 아닌데 자꾸만 멀어만 가
This isn't how I really am but I keep getting further away
그래도 난 어쩌면
But still, maybe I could be
내가 이 세상에 밝은 빛이라도 될까 봐
A bright light in this world
어쩌면 그 모든 아픔을 내딛고서라도
Maybe even after going through all that pain
짧게 빛을 내볼까 봐
I can shine a light even if it's short
포기할 수가 없어
So I couldn't give up
하루도 맘 편히 잠들 수가 없던 내가
The me that couldn't fall asleep peacefully for a single night
이렇게라도 일어서 보려고 하면
Because maybe if I keep trying to stand up like this
내가 날 찾아줄까 봐
I might be able to find myself
얼마나 얼마나 아팠을까
How painful must it have been?
얼마나 얼마나 아팠을까
How painful must it have been?
얼마나 얼마나 얼마나 바랬을까
How much did I hope for it?
This GIF post is a ghost post and I don't know why. Unless I reblog it, it won't show up in my web address. It also doesn't read as a post so my post count is always n-1.
Kitty needs recognition. Kitty wants exposure. I cannot resist to leave them in my Tumblr mobile app profile only. So behold, everybody, the harmless fluffy balls!
Lastly, triple bonus:
These deliquents at my front door have been adopted by a loving family!
In a Dream: My Subconscious Solved Their Own Problem
I woke up at 5.15 am this morning after experiencing a weird dream. I was put in a life-or-death situation, which forced me to act nimbly and cleverly to save the lives of at least eight people. In the heat of the situation, a daring move was made. And without my conscious consent, I had turned the tide.
The dream took place in a seven-seater white city car. There were one driver, who happened to be my father, and seven passengers including myself. Four of the passengers sat on the middle seats: my three matrilineal cousins (they're brother and sisters) and grandmother. I forgot by whom the shotgun seat was occupied, but I'm sure it was a lady; so she was probably my mother. I sat in the back seat with a boy, my matrilineal cousin who's eight years younger than me but appeared much younger than how he should be in real life. We were the youngest people on board, which explains why we got the most inconvenient space.
The car was loaded overcapacity not only by an extra passenger but also some cardboard boxes and suitcases. The cargo was shoved into the rear space, taking up the room significantly until I and the young boy (let's call him D) couldn't properly be seated. We were about to embark from an unclear place to deliver some goods to my brother's dorm as he was already in a military school as a cadet. We — me and D — practically couldn't move from where we were when my father checked the rear space. He only took a quick glance and didn't close the door. He then went to start the engine and soon we hit the road.
As ardent as the passengers tried to urge the driver to stop the vessel, my father wouldn't budge. Only quite later that he briefly said, "Close it from where you are," referring to me and D. We, or one of us, had to close the back door of a moving vehicle, plowing our way through the sea of fragile cardboards and heavy suitcases.
The passengers protested. But that only triggered the driver to accelerate and remove the brake from his dictionary of safe-driving. He didn't care whether the road is straight, winding, empty, crowded, a forked road, a crossroad, bumpy, or intersecting with a railway. The car slid on and on erratically, ignoring the eerie screams of many pedestrians outside and angry passengers inside.
D couldn't stand to hear people screaming (although no one was hurt). He braced himself to move toward the door. Alas, his body was too small. The door handle was far beyond his reach while he had to make a grip to secure his body on his own. I stepped in to hold his hand. This way, his movement range widened, but it was still not enough for him to reach the door handle. It was a dangerous stunt, D persisted for a while before he gave up and went back to where he was.
In this dream, I split into two separated entities. There were Action-me and Observer-me. Action-me was the one holding D's hand, dressing in all-black. They were a projection just like every other person there. They were something to be observed, but they uniquely held the status of the main character whom I couldn't take my eyes off of. Observer-me was the conscious one. I saw through their eyes and was aware of the presence of everyone including Action-me. Observer-me took no physical shape (no limbs and glasses rim visible) nor possessed a voice since it was merely a third-person (limited) point of view. Easily said, I was there watching myself performed in my dream, like the eyes of CCTV cameras.
After D returned, I decided that it was my turn to try. It was not obvious what had occurred to the cargo, but my way to the door was pretty effortless. In no time, I had gripped the nearest grab handle to prevent myself from falling out of the car and tried to figure out how I would reach the door handle because my arm span, neither, was unable to reach it alone.
There was no stick or anything else that could function as a prolonged hook to assist me, and the only person available to hold my hand, D, was too small to support my weight. The car was going faster, but Action-me was adamant.
Then suddenly Action-me bent down. They stripped their shoes off first, followed immediately by their socks. Barefoot, they rose up again and strengthened their stance. One foot up, a short jump, for some milliseconds my palms were the only parts in contact with the car, and bingo, my toes were hooking the door handle. Action-me pulled their foot in and there it was, the back door was finally closed.
Observer-me watched everything without any thought other than "I don't consider doing that! Action-me can think autonomically!?!" Yes, it is baffling for your conscious point of view to witness the physical manifestation of your subconscious doing something clever that your conscious mind didn't think of at all. Even now I'm fully awake and still mind-blown.
When my father found out that I succeeded in his order, he just laughed. He laughed and laughed and with an unmistakable satisfaction, he began his lengthy lecture about persistence and bravery. He threw out comments about how spoiling a kid is not going to teach them anything. A job has to be done if it has to be done. An unfulfilled request from the noble command is a failure worth a lifetime of punishment or remorse.
"Look at them," he said.
"They eventually finished the deed and overcame their fears," he continued sneerily.
"How dare you, for what a price you have to pay! You've jeopardized us all and the people out there!" someone retorted.
"I'm a good drive," he responded.
At that point, both Action-me and Observer-me were pissed. Observer-me could do nothing, but Action-me didn't do anything. It is so unlike me to confront my parents, even in a dream.
The dream didn't stop there. It was a happy ending after all. The rest of the trip went fine. We made it to my brother's dorm and he somehow received the goods.
So that was it, an epic dream; neither a nice one nor a nightmare. My alarm rang in time and I woke up to pray. I must shake off the grudge to my father's projection in that dream, huh. Very interesting indeed, I'm mastering the art of advanced random dreams, but last night was one of a kind. It was structured, highly vivid, and relatively logical. In one word, impressive.
Maybe next time I'll have more dreams like this — or hopefully better.
