l i f e

E. James Quijano, a film maker from Manila; one of the moon's most lunatic paramours. All photos are mine.

[ejamesquijano]

OFF TO A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY Down to the smallest crevasse of thy soul

January, my January, you just gifted me something I will hold on to forever, at a perfect time when I’m in my most relentless pursuit for self-discovery or perhaps reinforcing the way of life I have always wanted for myself. With hopeful eyes, let me wake up each morning with something beautiful to look forward to.

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Japan, I’ve fallen for you far deeper than I ever imagined. You have touched my core, and the cracks of my soul that desire to live this life with exhilaration, yet still yearning to come back to the peaceful corners of my mind and the calmness of one’s heart. And with these memories made, I just know that we will meet each other again on so many occasions of this dear life.

The Supercut:

Late night car ride with Wence and Geo. Airport things x red eye flight. Touchdown Osaka, Japan. Morning Train Rides and walks. Met Taro-san. Dotonbori Nights. Hello Mr. Glico Man. Ramen stories. Konbini midnights. Cozy film mentoring sessions. Osaka Day with Wence and Geo. Shinsekai x Tsukenkaku Tower. Visited Osaka Castle. Blue hour coffee breaks. Shinsaibashi walks. Studio Ghibli shop. Hi No Face and Totoro. Day Three with Geo. Lunch at Karaage Place. Photobiking alone at Konohana. Tried Japan’s Mcdonald’s. LADY GAGA’S MAYHEM BALL. Feels surreal that I met and heard my heroine, Lady Gaga, live! And I live for moments like this! North Osaka Day with Wence. Minoh Park’s calmness. Umeda’s hustle and bustle. Nara Day with Wence. Café Fluke. Met the cute deers. Amazing Todai-ji Temple. Attended the Wakakusa Yamayaki Mountain Burning Festival. Dotonbori’s Bic Camera film rolls shopping. Kyoto Day with Wence and Geo. Hello there, first ever snow in my lifetime! Fushimi-inari Shrine’s tori gates. Lunch at a grandma’s teahouse. Kyoto bus rides. Hello Kyoto Tower. Snowfall at Kiyomizu-dera Temple. Explored Ninenzaka Old Street. Matcha breaks. Another Studio Ghibli shop. Umeda’s Ramen night. Fun booze nights with the airbnb crew! Uji Day with Wence. Brutalist station. Ramen for lunch x Matcha shopping. Serene photowalk at the streets down to the riverside. Bridges and temples at golden hour. Shinkansen rides. Favorite Karaage Place again! Arashiyama Day with Wence. Udons to Coffees to Bamboo Forest. Enjoyed the riverside once again. Arabica Coffee break. Walking at Toriitomoto’s Streets. Bought incense with free origami birds. Kimono Forest. Send-off Booze night with airbnb crew! Explored Osaka one last time. Omamori from Shitenno-ji Temple. Shopping at Don Quijote. Full circle moment with Mr. Glico Man. Last minute packing. Goodbye Room 305. One last dinner at my favorite Karaage Place. Train Rides to airport. Airport stories with Wence. Goodbye Japan. Until we meet again.

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What a great welcome to 2026, a year for bold decisions and forward momentum, then returning home to wield your spiritual power. Today I am manifesting a life of abundance and a fruitful year not just for me but also to you — wherever you are dwelling in this spinning earth.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 | Fujifilm 400 January, 2026

[ejamesquijano]

DECEMBER’S SUNSETS With occasional drizzles on blue hours

2025 was the year I welcomed change. Or perhaps came back to an old life, now wiser I supposed. The year that unfolds newer emotions in me and from the people I love since God knows when. Some are ugly things, a mirror of my deeper fears, a tolerated path or bruises I have to mend.

Then came calmer mornings, colder breeze, and that rare orange sun during the last ray of light. I find myself collecting myself again, loving me and the person who loves me deeply. Laughter is really the best medication for my frustrated soul who just desires a sweet slow life.

New home, new routines, new genres of living — all in twelve months of this lovely full year. Wandering again on spaces I once loved, welcoming people I bid my goodbyes to in 2020. Taking in the warmth of those golden hours, accepting the weird calm from the pouring rain.

I’ve always had the grit to find my way back; so see you back home or on the flipside.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 December, 2025

[ejamesquijano]

RUNNING ON FUMES Then I remembered who the fuck I am

November is a blur, flashed like lightning then gone in a snap. I don’t remember much because it’s as if my every day was dedicated to making the bucks for me to pay rent, to buy some bread and butter. I have lost my day job but fortunate enough to be blessed with multiple film work, and I prayed for times like these after all.

1 Gave in to moments of weakness, weakens my lungs and my body. 2 Glad to be part of Manila’s Finest, an entry to this year’s Metro Manila Film Festival. 3 Got an Assistant Director gig from Geo for his cutesy sapphic music video. 4 Our Japan Visa got approved, and I couldn’t be happier about this news! 5 Hidden inside my black cocoon, then regained my strength well enough to welcome the sun. 6 Little escapes with the lover, spent our free days inside the cinemas holding hands, our minds kissing. 7 Quit being scared, embraced these new routines, braver this time. 8 Wielded my magic, metamorphosis, experimentations, missable, my home.

There was a moment there when I felt like I was at my tipping point, on the edge of a cliff that I’ll choose to freefall at any given time. But I remembered that I was high too, and it reminded me to still enjoy the ride, the winds, and the waves of this life-in-constant-motion too. It is tiring of course, but I am not complaining now. Bring it on, and bring me closer to the top. Given everything, I now know how to come back to who I really am and grasp that power to defy gravity and carry myself with my head held high.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 November, 2025

[ejamesquijano]

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE MAN OF THE YEAR He knows exactly how he wants to be remembered

I welcomed October with open arms and a smile on my face; it welcomed me warmly as if it had always known my name. After all, I believe that I am fucking lovable, and I am just having a hard time to admit it at times. It’s just that, I can be very violent too sometimes, especially when I feel so fucking fearless.

                                                                    “I’ve become someone else, someone more like myself.”

I love Lorde’s new record, Virgin, especially her song, Man of the Year. It speaks to me like an old friend, like an old me who had never minded the bruises and bloods from all the sharpest smithereens life has thrown on him. Then it also speaks to me like a future self — more careful this time, maybe a little jaded, but still willing to take the knife of risks and just bring some threads and a needle to stitch every broken skin I’ll have.

I’m 32 now, celebrated my day with a lover, in Cubao minutes to midnight. The next day came and I watched a play alone, cried my heart out too.

All of a sudden, I was burning the candle at both ends, caught in the whirlwind of having fun and making money. I know I haven’t done everything I have dreamed of as a kid, never set foot on that stage to sing, never became the poet I aspire to be, but I just knew it inside my heart —  I know that I have always had it in me, this crazy faith which makes me believe that someday everything will fall into their rightful places and I will be where I truly want to be. And everyone will stop whatever the fuck they’re doing and listen to what I got to say.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 October, 2025

[ejamesquijano]

MY OLD LIFE IS MY NEW LIFE NOW Rewiring my brain about these changes

On some days of September, you can see me sitting by the window, sipping my morning coffee. Then I’d buy pretty little trinkets to fill my home with warmth; oh God I love days like these ones. Suddenly a different kind of wind brings me to film sets, work caffeine fills my system and you can see me inside a loop of countless minds and souls busy with making money and art same as I.

I used to be so young, roaring early 20’s as I described it; and this was my life then, this is my life now. Thing is I’m a little bit older, also hoping I’d be wiser, to make the best decisions, a path to greater pastures. Because that’s what I really want in life, work my ass off for weeks, then balance it with perfect days— back by the window of my little home, sipping coffee, taking in the peace that took me so long to obtain.

I’ll allow myself to cry every so often, but I will never let this break me again this time. Some other days I’ll be on the streets, fighting for others, fighting for this country; on some other nights I’ll be filling myself with strength that I’ll be needing to face another day, one battle after another. Then perhaps make myself another cup of black coffee, sit by my window, and do nothing but hope.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 September, 2025

[ejamesquijano]

WE ONLY ALLOW GOOD ENERGIES IN THIS HOUSE Mesmerized by the beauty of not doing anything at all

it’s not hard, it’s just new; fear is useless and temporary

i can travel back into the tiniest corners of my life, even to the most painful ones, feel every emotion i have felt during those times, then open my eyes again and come back to the present, walk like a bitch like nothing happened

fuck me to the moon and back — let’s be a little loud this time

matapos ang usok, asahan ang mga upos time to clean up the mess ‘cause the pity party is over

(let’s hear it for the man of the year but in reverse when i fucking embraced my femininity, oh, lorde, I love growing up with you)

nobody has to tell me what’s right from wrong, i can be very happy with this dear life, for as long as i would allow my mind to feel everything first, then maybe drown in silence for a long time, a cup of coffee in my hands during the mornings, and that’s more than enough for me to feel alive

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 August, 2025

[ejamesquijano]

OF GOODBYES, GRAVITIES, AND GROWTHS Let me pick these broken pieces and turn it into gold

iii.    t h e    e n d    o f    a n    e r a i have been here before, and i remember how i loathed that specific feeling. i was in a bad place when that happened over a year ago; yet i fought for it and won. but this time it is inevitable, after five long years of having my day job, i am now closing this chapter of my life. again, it was not really a choice of mine because somehow, i have this doubt that asks me if i can get through without this work i consider my bread and butter, but perhaps fate has other plans and i just need to hold on to that faith that this is a redirection rather than another rejection. so as much as i still want to keep this safety net, i have to accept that it ends here, and instead of feeling the weight of another loss, surprisingly i have accepted it lightly and i was just truly grateful for those five years — for this job saved me on many counts, especially during the toughest times of the pandemic years ago. something about this year tells me that i have to let go of most things to make room for greater ones. that i have to focus now on what i really want to do in this life, even the ones that generate revenue. so yeah, march of 2020 to july of 2025, that was a good run, and now we’re closing this era. thank you for all the learning from all these past years.

ii.    i n t o    t h e    m y s t i c    i s l a n d perhaps this opportunity truly helped me to accept the difficult things much easier now, because i wasn’t in a bad place, and darkness wasn’t at my doorstep waving at me. perhaps i was saved by these magical gifts life and mother nature gave me, and that i was fortunate enough for all of these perfect timings. for a whole week, i was given a chance to stay and live in the island of sibuyan in romblon. it is because i was part of another cinemalaya film titled raging. the island offered me calmness, and mt. guiting-guiting graced us with her beauty and rage, all at once. the set at most times was muddled, and the weather was not peaceful either, but all storms were endured because of the locals who made us feel welcomed and secured while we were there. during the last day of my stay, heaven knows how i fell in love with how mystical this island actually is — i bathed in the rivers, bathed under the sun’s orange rays, and bathed myself with nature’s rich foliage that reminded me how certainly amazing our earth is. despite the chaos, everything felt like magic and i really want to be back someday.

i.    r e t u r n    t o    f o r m sometimes i am seeing myself as a kid — back at my little cradle, old or new, where i can sleep peacefully, and wake up to mornings with so much love in my heart that i don’t know where or whom i can pour it to. then i see myself spending more and more time at home, the one i built, in the middle of this city that once betrayed me, and i am still here, still believing that simple days in this little room are the always the best days.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 July, 2025

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IN AND OUT OF MY COCOON A little rain can’t stop me from my little explorations

One dawn as I awoke, there was this strong sensation in my body, and a voice telling me that I can give myself the moon if I really want to. Then the morning arose to let me see the sunrays through my window, and the contrasting grey skies created by the lightest rains of mid-June. It made me think about the shift that happened to me when I turn 30, when suddenly I became a bit careless and carefree at the same time — as if Death is drawing nearer and nearer every single day and so I try to embrace it and enjoy life a little bit more.

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1 Drizzly Photowalks with Wence during the bluest of hours at a different city near ours. 2 Going home and making beautiful memories with my best friend, Ammileigh. 3 Finally getting my driver’s license and a dentist appointment at the same day. 4 A badminton session and watching a stage musical with Geo. 5 Grief after a loss of a loved one x spending time with my dad’s side of the family. 6 Saying yes to every advertisement and film work offers as of late. 7 Mindlessly purchasing a lottery ticket to a Lady Gaga concert in Japan, even when I’m broke as fuck, only to be selected! Luck is on my side, I may say! And you have no idea how much this means to me, this woman literally changed the trajectory of my life and somehow shaped who I am today.

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I feel less afraid today, I became a little bolder. Suddenly I see myself diving into little risks and feel every little thrill they bring. Gloomy days and rains are a bit of a setback of course, but I have come to realize that nothing could stop me now, even the haunted corners of my own mind. Even the skinny faith I have at times. Sometimes I can feel like life could throw me sticks and stones and I’ll just collate every single piece to build a fire and keep me warm as I go back to my nightly slumbers.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 June, 2025

[ejamesquijano]

THE MODE IS ON FOR WORK Time to make some money

As someone who often chooses his peace, I can get very selective when it comes to choosing which freelance job to take. I am not financially rich to be honest, at times I even experience tightening my belt. But my mental health is something I need to take care of, I can’t lose myself for money, and I can’t jeopardize my peace for a luxurious life. But for this May, I am glad to say that I have devoted it for work, and fortunately, I love the teams I got to work with.

In recent months, I am slowly penetrating the field of advertisement. I know that world could be stressful at times but the good thing is, the production houses that hire me are composed of some of the good people in the industry. I have started this month with a 3-day shoot and I was really happy with that one. The team was really chill yet productive, I love what I do, and the money’s really good in ads. I wish I get more jobs with these kinds of team more often. Then I have spent the next weeks of May shooting another Cinemalaya film titled Open Endings. After a long time, I got to be a part of a film production that I was really excited about — a really special one for it is an independent film about friendship and sapphic romance. I love doing something for the LGBTQIA+ Community for it feels like I am giving back to my community even in the littlest of ways — through the art of film making. It was truly a blessing that the cast and crew were so much fun to be with too, we did share a lot of laughs together, and we have created a safe space for everyone on set.

The only real rest day I was given this month was when my beautiful niece, Ammileigh, turned one on the 17th of May. Oh, how time flies so swiftly, our family’s little blessing is a year old now, and I really wish her the best and I also do hope I can be the best uncle she’ll ever have. Anyway, I was fortunate again to say that after I have finished all of my work commitments this month, I was able to spend the last few days of May resting and resetting my life — smoothly glided back into my daily routine at home, on my remote work, and in my own personal life. Looking back, this month was the busiest I have been this year, but I was also happy experiencing all of it. Perhaps because of the people I was with, perhaps it is also because of the tranquil state of mind I was in these previous months. There is peace, there is contentment, and oftentimes these two are the only things I truly need.

PS. Made me smile that I got to see the sea again this summertime, as one of our film’s locations.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 May, 2025

[ejamesquijano]

PERFECT DAYS Next time is next time. Now is now.

I firmly believe that there are films that are specifically made for you, and as for me, Perfect Days by Wim Wenders is one of them. This film is truly for me, and I have watched it in the most perfect time of my life. The emotions that this film gave me were something I really needed, that I was actually in tears just 20 minutes into it. I have learned a lot, and it reinforced everything I believe in at the moment about this little life I have. I cannot really put it into words; I just knew that this is one of the most beautiful recent films I’ve seen.

Lately I’ve been relishing the peace that living on my own terms gives me. I’ve been waking up every day, sometimes alone, sometimes with my lover — tending to my plants, lighting an incense whilst drinking my sweet black coffee, and basking in the late afternoon’s sun. I am becoming my own person, my own confidante, and my own savior. I used to loathe this city, but as of late I am appreciating living in it especially now that I am slowly building a space for myself where I can truly grow and be free. Sometimes it is not really the place, but the peace you’re wielding within you.

A really rare thing but at times I am crying out of happiness, perhaps it is from the thought that my now is something I used to dream of in the past. It took a long time but here I am now, admiring my life even more despite all of the forces that tell me otherwise. It is never perfect, there were blue days for sure, but something in me feels better. Something about believing how time is so magical, and it’ll cast its most wonderful spells at the most perfect moments. I am breathing well this time and I am grateful for that too.

I am aware that life would not always be like this, that peace come and go. Soon I might dive into a different routine, soon I might be busy that I won’t have the time to pause and take a breath. But what’s important now is that I know how to return to my core. I now have this power to reset everything, go back to my home where life is still, do all of the things again that make me the happiest. Life is a cycle, there will be nights and days, darkness and light. But choices will always be present, and hopefully after every blue hour, I would always still choose to light a candle and fill even the littlest corner of the room with warmth.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 April, 2025

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SUNSETS THROUGH WINDOWS And some gorgeous afternoons with you

Vanish into the outburst of the night and leave me hanging, and I’ll be on my own at dawn, trying. Only to come back with tears and apologies as if provoking to decolor the bluest of seas. Promise me that you’ll never disappear and I’ll do the same as we welcome the sun even with some fears. Come play with me and later on we’ll see that everything right here is meant to be. I’d be willing to spend long train rides for as long as I have you on my side. Then we’ll walk into a box of actors and emotions we never thought were factors on why you and I are here to stay for longer.

Then we’ll move to a bigger box where we can play more and remember the reasons why and what are we here for. Longing stares, longer stairs, let me sink it in and let me taste your skin. We will build our life together, in a home that needs its borders. Then we’ll fix the broken windows, give respects to our own lame ghosts, and fade into the chaos of all of our red sorrows. For the sunrise will burn the maze and we’ll get to where we dream of even with magnificent daze.

Come and get it, come and get me, duplicate it so we’ll both have a key. In any weather, kiss it better, make me feel like I’m the greatest kind of lover. Pull me in, put it in, I am a willing victim if they all see this as a sin. Then we’ll laugh about it later, eat some ice cream and make it even sweeter. Let me shower you with warmth, as we shower together. Let me be the bluest fire when it gets a little colder. Lover oh my Lover, it’s a never-ending battle, so let’s be each other’s saviors, and in our love we’ll both take shelter. So promise to make me your constant choice, and everything else will just be white noise. For I’d love to spend every afternoon with you, every sunset in this room, until the orange skies turn blue.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 March, 2025

[ejamesquijano]

ON TO THE NEW CHAPTERS Creating pretty memories one page at a time

There was something about that day, the 12th of January, when Wence and I went on a trip to the city — with almost all of my things, all of my life compressed in boxes. For the first time, we have decided to live together, after 11 years of being in each other’s lives. We cannot believe it too; we were just so ecstatic about this. For the next three weeks, I have experienced living alone first, for Wence moved in with me only this February. I cannot really explain it, but it has been a longtime dream of mine to have a space I can call my own. And in those three weeks, I have been waking up with a smile on my face. When Wence finally moved in, new beautiful energies were born. Yes, there were few tunings here and there but this new chapter of our lives brings so much happiness that ignited our desire to keep doing life together. Sometimes I still feel how surreal everything is, because I really want this life for us and this is a dream-come-true.

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I have been healing so much lately. I am taking all of the peace in. I am loving myself more and more and I am protecting my core. I am trying my best to become more creative by testing my limits. I am in my most productive state this month and I love it, cause I’m just getting started. Sometimes I get those bittersweet feeling of homesickness, but nostalgia becomes beautiful only if you keep it in the past. The most important thing is how I have no regrets at all with this decision. I used to have a lot of questions before but today I know that it is firm: this is the life that I really want for myself and I am living it. Most days I feel happiness and contentment despite the fact that I still have a lot of aspirations and desires to realize. Because I do believe that being happy with the life you’re building for yourself every day is more important than future goals, for I have to live in the moment, appreciate the little things, while carving the way to reach my dreams.

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Before February ends, a dear friend of mine got married. I am so happy for her and I am so glad too that even after all of these years, we have remained the closest of friends. Lately I’ve been seeing my friends a lot and they keep on reminding me that this is the point of all these — appreciating your stillness and solitude, yet making time to form the greatest of memories with most important people in your life. I have been enjoying this little life I have of late, and it is not really in the grandest of ways, sometimes bliss comes from playing some good record and bathing yourself with beautiful music or going out in the middle of the night to have good coffee and good conversations with the ones you love. That, I believe, is life.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 February, 2025

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UPROOTING MYSELF AGAIN It’s about time to pack my things and go

two years and a half ago, i have left the house i have lived in for nearly 30 years. two years and a half i have lived in a bigger one, created happy memories, cherished all of them, even the sad ones. but today i have decided to move again, this time to find that part of me that has been lost for a long time now. it is the perfect timing to do it, and i have to be brave for this. three long decades have passed and after tons of attempts in the past, i am finally doing it, i am diving into a life i want to create for myself, maybe with no life-vest, maybe with so much confusions, but i am ready now and it’s about time. i am going to miss my life in this town so much though. i am going to miss biking, taking photographs of all the beautiful spaces i see. i am going to miss the comfort that my family gives me. i am going to miss my beautiful niece, my new bestfriend that i have met just half a year ago. i am going to miss my bedroom, i never had my own one growing up, so this is something special to me even after living in it for only those two and a half years. i am going to miss a lot of things and i can’t even list it all down here. but it’s my destiny calling me on the phone, telling me it’s time to go. to live alone, or with the love of my life. to build myself again after being broken for quite some time now. to go back to that old me or discover the new me, to appreciate the city once more in a different light after being stung by it a long time ago. of course to work my ass off, to become rich in many aspects, to be more creative, to live a life of art that i crave for myself. or maybe even live a simple, quiet life every single day. i don’t care anymore but i know that i have to follow this strong urge to do this, to move out from this shell and find a new one where i can feel safe and happy again. i need to feel something. i need to feel bliss. i need to feel like i’m the luckiest person in the world again — with this life, with this age, with this new chapter. so i am doing it unprepared and ready at the same time. i’ll follow my heart’s desire. i’ll follow wherever the roads lead me. so hello there 2025, i am moving on and moving forward. i hope you’ll give me something beautiful to believe in.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 January, 2025

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SEE YOU ALONG THE WAY And please don’t ever be a stranger

Perhaps it was this season’s colder nights. December breeze, blue hours, and the absence of sunsets? But I have been letting my sadness win most times and I am getting so drained by it. I am well aware of my messy life’s cycle; I am confused too. I get happy, I get sad. I let the darkness creep in, then battle my way back to the light. I know everything, I feel everything, and I don’t know too but that’s how my life was in recent memory.

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2024 is never a mess. Yes, there was a lot of losses and sad days but perhaps I needed them to build my character, to appreciate the beauty that is left of me, whoever stayed, whoever sees my worth. Sometimes I look back at my reflection in the mirror, and put on a smile, thinking that I am still here despite every little smithereens of glass piercing through my fragile heart. Life is a beautiful thing, but it takes a deep kind of courage to keep doing it. So, I’ll say goodbye to this year still carrying that bittersweet smile on my face, for all of those sad goodbyes, hurtful feelings, lovely memories, and exhilarating first-times.

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Before the year ends, I’ve visited some old friends: once more, I was reunited with the sea, the sands, and the sun — perhaps to wash all of the remaining loneliness in me, perhaps to start anew. I fell in love with the peace from my own aloneness, walking through the woods, taking photographs of those exact moments, for I know that everything might change when I return someday. And then I had to move on. Another sad thing are separations, but I just know that I’ll see everything again next time, or in the next lifetime.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 December, 2024

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BACK TO THE ROOTS Long stays in my shell again

Isolations. Lavander scents. Looking for exits. Concrete walls over concrete walls. Suffocations and peace. Chaotic spirits and warm bodies. Loving the sunsets lately amidst the rainy days, taking photographs, taking it all in. Hard times and I’m letting it all go. Emotional turmoil that has no name. Just let me be for now, I plead.

I dyed my hair black again, kept it long for days, then decided to cut it shorter than ever. Been listening to some good music too, breathing them as if they’re heroin. Been biking and surrendering myself to the sound, as well as to the light. My own kind of therapy, blissful thoughts over killer ones. Guitar strings on my mind, beautiful notes, deep connections.

Silver, you’re my best friend today. I don’t believe in much things lately but Jesus I love biking in my hometown, it fucking heals me. A couple of days I’ve seen myself shooting a film in the city. Followed by an event to keep my dreams sane. Somehow along the way I am free, paid all of my debts, paid the toll of heavens. The love of my life was with me too; we were happy on little taxi rides. Sometimes I love my life.

I miss singing. I miss writing. I miss reading a book – and lately I’ve just finished a novel but it doesn’t feel like I did. I am slowly doing everything I used to do and yet I feel empty, or perhaps the loneliness often wins. But I love being alone at times, I heal from that too. I saw myself smiling lately, I love my black hair. I love my white strands too. Cradle me back into my blackest shell, and soon it’ll be over, for I’m a life’s lover.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 November, 2024

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THE IRONY OF IT ALL That’s life, that’s life, funny as it seems

sometimes i wonder why am i still here, hidden in the realms of a massive blackhole, when i’m good as gold? sometimes i worry if, as i age, there is something i am missing out in life. or is it my choice? if it is, then why? why am i built like this if no one would ever see it? when will i see the light of that tunnel shit? maybe it’s the birthday blues, maybe it’s the news, but i am not doing okay lately and i am having a lot of dark thoughts.

recently i’ve been dressing up nicely, meeting my oldest friends on saturdays. i’ll be having fun, enjoying the day, and be sleeping with a smile on my face. but why do i need to wake up the next morning with a heavy heart and for no reason at all? oh of course there are reasons, and i’ve been forcing myself to be mindful of them not to delve into more darkness but maybe to identify how to get out from it. i am confused too. i’ve been happy for a little while, now i’m fucked again. perhaps a therapy would help, but i got no money for that shit too.

on a thursday, i turned 31. happy birthday to me. am i old? why do i feel so old and feel like a nobody? i’m nowhere near my dreams and is still lost at sea. i tried to be glad and i think i did for a bit, especially on that thursday, but then i saw myself coming back to the pit. i mean i don’t want to, but that’s what happened as if i got no control.  it rained so hard on my birthday by the way, there was a storm actually. even the skies were crying with me, the only difference was i got no tears to shed. i am so selfish I hate it; others were fucking suffering and here i am thinking about myself and my fucked-up mind.

but really, is it that selfish after all?

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 October, 2024

[ejamesquijano]

WHAT HAPPENED IN SEPTEMBER I can’t quite remember

I just know that before this month ended, I put on Lady Gaga’s Harlequin record for the first time, set-up some dramatic lighting, and for an hour I have seen myself dancing in my room, in front of an old mirror, with my whole body, mind, heart, and soul. By the end of this one-man show (a striptease actually), I was gasping for air, a bit drenched in my own sweat, but fucking really satisfied because hell yeah, I miss coming back to this side of myself, pleasing my audience which is me and only me.

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I am a crazy scorpio boy yet you wouldn’t know that at first because that is part of the mystery. A lot of people I encounter tell me that I don’t look like one or wouldn’t pass as a scorpio, but have they ever thought that maybe deceiving them was part of the trick? A game I am so good at just to get a good sense of everything? Joke’s on you, mate, ‘cause I am meticulously calculating my every move and while at it, also learning every bits of you. Afterwards, I’ll know, I’ll just fucking know if you deserve to be in my life for longer.

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I’ve also read this somewhere: the secret to living your life is to waste your time doing the things you like. For the month of September, I did like being a baby-sitter, an obedient son, a sporty cousin, a sexy lover, a red-hair cyclist, an ignorant, and even a brat city boy. I can be anyone; I can be all things as long as I really put my mind to it. I can kill you with my eyes, catch feelings and then lie. I can be your deepest fantasies, or maybe forever isolate my ideologies, but I could do it really — waste my time until I die doing the things I like.

*** 35mm Kodak Gold 200 September, 2024