Stress Fractures in Titanium

a repository of my bullshit

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Me 2020-2022

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some thing i made with a filter

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Eddy throughout time and space

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What its like to not have anxiety.

I have been trying a medication for my OCD/Health Anxiety. You know I contemplated whether to even post this. I feel like I’ll be attacked for my struggle with anxiety but It honestly helps to talk about it in the open.   I saw an ad on instagram (probably targeted at me) about people talking about their struggles with depression and anxiety. At first I felt it was used for disingenuous marketing and it probably is but its still good to talk about it.

So my doctor told me the only real ways to deal with OCD are exposure therapy, that is facing your fears and stopping the cycles of anxious thinking from spiraling out of control and medication.

Well we tried exposure therapy but it wasnt working too well for me in the short term. There was some expensive ass program ($10,000 to $30,000) that was an intense course of evidence based therapy regimen but It A. Too much, and B while I know it works it might not work for me.

I decided to go with medication for the time being and to try Exposure Response Therapy in the long term on my own following some book.

Anyways I have been on the medicine for a few weeks now. I have noticed that a lot of the “noise” and interference from my mind is gone. That is I felt like I was in a loud room with machines whirring all the time. I could never focus on one thing. I was always thinking about hte past and the future. Anxiety is about never being in the present. It feels quieter in my mind. I noticed that when I say my nightly prayer before I go to sleep I would step and trip over my words especially when I was really tired even though I’ve said this same pray for a decade or more.  With the medicine I recite it like its nothing, even when Im tired. Its subtle changes like that. I go outside and dont always arm myself with my array of personal defense weapons, I dont notice Im going out in open with the public. I’m not constantly looking over my shoulder to see if anyone's behind me in public...well as much. Im still adjusting to the medicine. Its prozac if you’re wondering. IT makes me super energetic or super sleepy. I’ve got other side effects on it too but so far its been worth it to have a semblance of a normal life back.

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😍

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“If you saw the world the way I do you would understand”

I am pretty paranoid. I carry some sort of weapon on me most of the time when I go out. I know the world is pretty safe right now compared to before. Crime has been spiking in my hometown but its still lower than it was in 2001 when I was 11.  So the city I live in is safer now with me as an adult statistically than it was when I was a child. Yet I’m always wary. I used to have stomachaches and headaches from picking up my friend who lived just 10 minutes across town if it was after 5pm.

I carry a knife, an extremely bright flashlight, pepper spray, or a literal taser sometimes depending on where I go and at what time. Its usually just the flashlight and the knife since its so useful to open and cut things daily. I know this is over the top, and that its pretty safe out there for the most part but I just can’t do it man. I have this visceral reaction where I just imagine that I will be fighting for my life. I am not a big guy, I’m not proficient in street fighting because I am not a person who gets into street fights. I wasnt even in many fights as kid. I think Ive only punched one person who wasnt a family member in the face ever. Though I do want to take Krav Maga one day. I should learn how to kick ass or protect my ass at least.

The way I see the world is not the way the world really is. I miss out on so much from this world view that I can’t escape.  I know its not rational but I cant reconcile that with the extreme reaction my mind and body have to these thoughts.

I also think its crazy how people purposely put themselves in this bubble to think the world is a scary place that you need to be on the defensive always. Its fucking exhausting. Its mentally and sometimes physically draining. You have little energy left for a regular life if you're fighting yourself and the world at the same time. They read bullshit on facebook or some garbage website to reinforce their preconceived ideas about the world which are usually couched in fear, uncertainty and doubt (anxiety!). This actually pisses me off and is why I like to talk so much about media literacy to kids.

I honestly think its embarrassing I place so much emphasis on this. Today I was walking my girlfriend out to her car and I always resist the urge to grab something on the way out. I dont know if she notices because I dont like to talk about it. I live in a relatively safe neighborhood. I mean white people live in my neighborhood, it cant be that bad right? Some people might think Im just being a pansy or what ever stupid thought terminating cliche they bring up to shut down understanding of what other people going through. This is what family and friends dont understand. I really cant stop myself sometimes. Its like a song thats stuck in your head that doesnt go away except its just fear fear fear and that fear translates into physical symptoms that have worn me down for years.

I was thinking of things to say if she ever asked me about it and I immediately thought “ “If you saw the world the way I do you would understand” then I finally realized I am missing out on so much. I feel like I’m missing out on the joy you can experience in life because im so busy focusing on the negatives. My statement is true and not true. It is very much the way I view the world but its not the way I want to view it and right now I cant help it.

I do know though that I am slowly but surely coming around, its taking a while but I’m getting really fed up with this mode of thinking.  One day....

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This is why we need to teach media literacy in public schools. Or at least heavily emphasize it more.

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wessYu, gif, 2017

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When Anxiety Hurts

I knew from personal experience that anxiety can cause all sorts of weird physical symptoms. I know this, I live it all the time but my anxiety was sorta calming down. That or I was in denial.

Anyways last 8 months I have been in pain. I had weird muscle pains that made me not want to move. They found some nonspecific signs of inflammation in my blood. It told me that there was some definite inflammation going on but not the cause. They told me to take allergy meds and it kinda worked. It came back in Dec and the allergy meds didnt do as much. Blood tests didnt show anything weird and they tested for signs of permanent muscle damage and did not find a trace.

After some thought I decided instead to try not to dwell on my immediate symptoms and ignore them

Its kinda worked so far but theres been dips. This thing is crazy I haven’t been able to identify any hard definite correlations between waht I eat, mental mood, or actions and the pain…yet. Im not even sure if the allergy meds that worked before ever worked.

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Inauguration Speech: Barack Obama vs. Tangerine Trashbag

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