the art of letting go

terfs and neurotypicals DNI

[elderalbus]

hi everyone, you can call me bet/bet’anya

queer post-op trans woman (she/they, 24 y/o)

my old account was theartoflettinggoofhim

i’ve been diagnosed with: bipolar with psychotic features, borderline personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, hypermobile ehler’s danlos syndrome, ptsd, schizoaffective disorder, substance use disorders, and tourette’s

i’m a recovering opioid addict (drug of choice) and alcoholic. i (mostly) also abuse stimulants and inhalants, but i’ll abuse anything i can get my hands on

days sober: 225 0

i don’t post tw tags, so please let this be your only warning (though i do post tags that pertain to the subject being discussed). if you don’t like my blog, i ask that you please BLOCK instead of reporting (i talk about my diagnoses, sh, addiction, etc.). i use this as my expressive outlet.

always here to talk/listen if you need someone, just hmu xx

[elderalbus]

lol men are so fucking pathetic

[elderalbus]

got a 100% on my first grad school test today 🥺 bitches i’m BAAAAAAACK

[elderalbus]

so FUCKING IRRITATING that religious people get to have hallucinations and delusions as much as they want, but when I DO IT, i get sent to a psych ward. fuck y’all

[elderalbus]

lowkey thinking about doing php once i move for in-person classes in grad school… i talked to the head of counseling at my university, and he thinks it’s a good idea. well fuck me sideways; this’ll be my 4th php (i think—that or 5th/6th idk, i’m too high to think about that rn).

[elderalbus]

soooo my doctor prescribed me promethazine cuz i can’t stop vomiting from my rifampin… big mistake—HUGE! i can’t stop taking it

[elderalbus]

ahhhh classes start monday, and i’ve stayed up all night translating and doing dictionary entries of attic (ancient) greek. i CANNOT FUCKING WAIT TO DO THIS SHIT AGAINNNNNNN. literally the love of my life second to my snake 🥺

[elderalbus]

you know what i fucking love… what i absolutely love?

i just lOOOOOve it when a non-addict decides to casually bring up my drug of choice in a conversation that has nothing to do with opioids.

as if i’m not gritting my teeth and clenching my knuckles until they’re white trying not to relapse at the moment

[elderalbus]

and then they have the nerve to get shitty with me because i leave them after being triggered

i can’t stand non-addicts that act like talking about my addiction issues is “okay” territory, because it seriously is not. there’s a reason i only talk to other addicts about my addiction and NOT you.

[elderalbus]

y’all… i don’t even remember posting this lmaoooo what a fucking MESS. i wasn’t even sober in 2022, so no wonder i don’t remember it. no wonder i was constantly triggered by people talking about my addictions, cuz a bitch was secretly getting high at and after rehab.

when i had 225 days from july 31 until i relapsed and went on a few months long bender after my best friend died (i think it was 3 months? idk i don’t remember, my memory is FUCKED), that was the longest time i’ve ever been sober. started at 8 and now we’re here… let’s get this daily bread and try sobriety out again because i’m really tired of feeling like i’m going to die because i can’t breathe from mixing alcohol and suboxone. like that shit is not fun, why do i want to do it right now?????

[elderalbus]

picked up a first day key tag at the na meeting this morning three hours ago, and i already wanna use again. they also gave me one that says stay since i had kinda been dodging meetings to get high

[elderalbus]

oh my goddddd i fucking OVERDRAFTED MY ACCOUNT. my mom’s gonna kill me

[elderalbus]

brutalist by kim petras on her (self label) debut is the PERFECT song that encapsulates the trans girl/woman experience. “my dad’s an architect, he used to show me it when he would drive me to the psychiatry. again and again, didn’t come back a man. i guess i ruined it.” FUCKING. CHILLS. i literally cried when i heard that for the first time, and my heart breaks everytime thinking about trans women being affected by religious zealots and bigots that say we ruin our bodies that “god” (or what have you) gave us. fuck that.

[elderalbus]

my body hurts 24/7 cuz of my heds, but god DAMN does it hurt after being in precipitated withdrawal from snorting suboxone

[elderalbus]

fuck my LIFE man. i almost ran out of suboxone cuz i’ve been using it recreationally and prescriptively, and i’m meeting with my provider tomorrow cuz i wouldn’t have enough by the time we meet on the 4th. i’m so fucked. i tested dirty for SO much shit on my last drug test, and now i’m doing this shit… yeah, i really fucked up this time.

[elderalbus]

“you need to go to rehab” babe, i’ve been to 3 rehabs, 4 IOPs, 3 PHPs, over 20 psych wards, and therapy and psychiatry since i was 8. CLEARLY it isn’t fucking working for me. how about i stop going so i’m not taking a space for someone who might ACTUALLY BENEFIT FROM IT

[elderalbus]

i genuinely hate people that send sick people to the torture dungeon (psych ward). fuck you and your mom for making you. if you have sent someone there by your own will, you deserve everything bad that happens to you, idgaFUCK

[elderalbus]

watching euphoria and triggering myself so i take dangerous shit? yeah idec

[elderalbus]

tell them i am sorry for

the gun inside my bedroom drawer

this was inevitable

only thought it’d make you love me more

say that i am in a better place

when you see my mother’s face

please, just tell them all i did my best

when you lay it all to rest