this might be triggering if you’ve been to psych wards and have faced abuse in them; so please proceed with caution if that pertains to you… this mentions transphobia, abuse (all kinds: physical, mental, emotional, sexual, medical), and just genuinely fucked up behavior from medical workers in psych wards (shocker). i added some tags about content warnings as well as the note that this is information meant for mature individuals, so please just block if you don’t like it. feel free to like and/or dm/ask if you have anything you want to (respectfully) tell/ask me.
gonna be really honest, i genuinely hate increasing my haldol because it always puts me in a zombie-esque state for 2-3 weeks, and all it fucking does is remind me of all of the abuse i’ve experienced in 30+ psych wards during my preteen and teen years, as well as my early 20’s.
like for the beginning of 2021 until like august of 2022 i spent more of that time in psych wards than i did in the “free” world. the zombie-esque state genuinely reminds me of the first time i was restrained and given a b52 at 12 and left in the padded room, which when you weren’t in the padeed room, you were displayed in the glass box (literally a small room with thick glass walls then the brick wall with a metal door and entry way into the padded room). in that glass box, EVERYONE on the unit (this was a pediatric unit, so kids as young as 6 to 17 year olds) got to watch you with one of the orderlies sitting in a desk right in front of the locked door for the glass box, making sure you didn’t do anything to yourself—which i fucking COULDN’T since i was restrained on a gurney. this was at 12, so before i started transitioning, but all of the orderlies would call me “suicide boy,” and there was this especially fucked up piece of absolute gutter trash cunt that would always announce “suicide boy’s awake everyone!” when i would come out of my room every morning. they also made me show off my cuts on my arms to everyone because i had slashed my wrists and arms in an attempt to kill myself, and i had to explain why i did them—all the while, i’m some extremely traumatized 12 year old [girl] that just wants to get out of here, but my parents said i had to stay regardless of how good i’m doing. i was also forced to shower in front of that aforementioned orderly that would say “suicide boy’s awake,” and he sexually abused me every night when i took a shower.
fast forward to my first of endless psych wards in 2021 when i was officially diagnosed borderline (in the notes from my first psych ward stay at 12 it said “most likely cluster b, too young to diagnose.” so then fast forward to when i was actually diagnosed, and then one of the nurses decided to trash my art that i had spent the ENTIRE fucking day prior making, so i kinda flipped out—threw a chair at her and cussed her out and grabbed her by the hair (she’d been extremely transphobic towards me and said “you have to tell every patient here that you have a penis before you interact with them, and i WILL make sure they know”), to which the two “big, strong” male orderlies restrained me and injected me with a b52… which did absolutely nothing! so i was on 100 the entire night, and the orderlies ended up calling my parents and telling them to pick me up after breakfast in the morning because i was “blacklisted” from the facility. i also was refused my estrogen, progesterone, and spironolactone at this facility.
the next facility (literally 2 days later), i came from the emergency room because in the er i was ripping and clawing off the skin on my arms because i saw bugs underneath them. my abusive ex also happened to work at this er, and he slashed me with a scalpel while i was alone with him in the room, then he blamed it on me and said i was “trying to kill” myself. anyways, i wasn’t allowed to have my arms wrapped in gauze after i was admitted to the ward, so everyone constantly looked at me like a freak of nature and also physically harassed me because i had numerous chunks of skin missing from my arms and blood all over my clothes. when i was (inevitably) restrained, the orderlies would purposefully grab and pick/scratch at the wounds so that they would reopen, all so that they could tell the doctors that i was harming myself, making me stay longer. at this one i was diagnosed schizoaffective, and i was given a myriad of antipsychotics, which did absolutely nothing for me.
this was a long beginning of my 30+ psych ward stays, to which i continued to be harassed, drugged against my will, forced to turn into a zombie so i couldn’t “be a danger to everyone,” physically abused by orderlies, sexually abused by one orderly, restrained in a gurney and with a fucking straitjacket, forced to go without meals because i wasn’t “safe” enough to be around everyone in the cafeteria… i could go on because it’s all i’m able to think about right now as i’m in my “zombie” state. but i think i’m going to stop sharing, because i really don’t like remembering those years of my life.
so yes, when i see people using “psycho/crazy/insane” etc., i do get defensive and offensive because it reminds me of my psych ward stays. i’ve been called those (and many more) and literally have them written ALL OVER my paperwork that i requested from each of my stays before i went to rehab for the second time in another state. so yeah… i really don’t like those words because they’ve been used to justify and condone violence against me for mental illnesses that i cannot control. even if i wanted to go to a psych ward again, it would most likely have to be out of state because i’m blacklisted from most of them in my state, if not all (unless any have been established after 2022). i just stopped telling everyone my feelings and what i was experiencing, as it just allowed medical professionals to abuse me and exert their fucked up god complexes over those that are disabled. no, i don’t and never WILL trust someone that works or has worked at a psych ward. y’all are some of the most dangerous individuals to be around.
so please, do not use those words around me… if you’re non-sane and/or struggle with psychotic disorders and/or are schizospec, of course it isn’t my place to tell you that you can’t reclaim these abusive and extremely ableist words. i’m just saying that i personally do not want to interact with them.
