honesty hour.
cw: cutting, self-harm, suicidal thoughts and ideations
okay, guys. let me be real with y’all here.
over the years, i have struggled to see positive self-worth in myself. i have never truly felt like i should have made all the accomplishments i have made. i wondered how worthy i truly was, and if people just spoke to me because they felt sorry for me.
the truth is, i am a perfectionist. i strive to make everyone happy and run to every beck-and-call when someone needs help. my biggest fear is making someone feel abandoned. so i am truly sorry if i have every made any of you feel that way. if i have ever abandoned you, i have failed you, and probably don’t deserve to be your friend. and that punctures my heart a little. but then again, who would love a “perfect” person? no one is perfect.
earlier this year, i was medically diagnosed with unspecified, generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, anorexia (binge/purge type), and insomnia. i let myself run dry trying to be the best person and friend i could to those who really needed me to be there. but i ended up abandoning myself. i let myself fall down a dark hole. and today, i am still trying to find my way out of that dark hole, but i am a little further up than i was.
yes. i fell so deep that i was numb. i didn’t feel anything. i was so sad and depressed that i couldn’t cry. tears physically wouldn’t form from my eyes. so i cut. i bled. i bled to feel. i bled so no one else could hurt me. and it became an addiction. i starved. i binged and purged. i lost nearly thirty pounds in a matter of weeks. i was hopeless.
on april 19, 2018, i decided that life was not worth living anymore. i wanted to die. i didn’t have a purpose on this earth anymore. i couldn’t help anyone anymore. i wanted to cut and cut and cut until i bled out. and boy, would i have done just that. if my parents hadn’t shown up at my door as soon as i got home from work. they took me into the emergency room where i spent the night with numerous amounts of anxiety and suicidal thoughts. the next day, i was admitted into inpatient where i spent a week receiving treatment.
i continue outpatient therapy for a couple weeks, and to this day, i continue individual therapy every week or so. with the right medication, therapy, and support system, i was able to stand up again.
i’m not at 100 yet, and i probably will bounce up and down, but for now, i am okay.
you are worth the fight. you matter. you are loved. and if no one has told you today, I Believe In You.
all my love,
El
