Undefined

Shadows pass, light remains (elishamawiee)

[elishaaa]

Self Talk #6 About to go to the hospital for a check-up. I'm so nervous!!! I know I can do this. Maybe this time I cam finally get some answers.

[elishaaa]

Had the most terrible panic attack last night 😭 I felt dizzy and nauseous and then I started hyperventilating because I couldn't breathe and then tears are flowing and it's so cold and my hands are shaking and my face is trembling. I seriously thought I was gonna die. It lasted for about 30 minutes and it has now become the saddest and scariest experience I've ever had in my life 😣

[elishaaa]

I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF.

Not only did I talk about my anxiety problems with an actual human being but I also decided to seek help to our guidance councilor. I still feel daunted about the thought of going but I really need this. It’s time. This may be the biggest decision I’ll make for myself and I wouldn’t forgive myself if I back out.

Good luck to me and here’s to hoping for better days 💛🌻

[elishaaa]

Self Talk #5 Relax. Everything's fine, you're just overthinking again. The test result will not and will never define you. The world isn't going to end if you fail. It's going to be okay. You'll do better regardless of your score. Don't compare yourself to others. Everyone has their own brains. There's no one like you and yes, that's a compliment. I hope you're going to overcome these feelings when you grow older. I hope you're going to outgrow these things that make you unhealthy. These thoughts that live in your head and heart, don't keep them for too long. Cause one day they might eat you and you'll never be able to control them again. You wouldn't find reading and writing stuff like this helpful ever again. Think about how sad that will be. Think about the future, you wouldn't be able to find someone worthy if you yourself isn't one. Love yourself first.

[elishaaa]

The world really doesn't stop for anyone. The past few days it felt like I suddenly forgot how to swim, so I just kept sinking and sinking into this massive ocean. But the thing is, that's just me. There's still other creatures swimming around me while I drown in this dark void that I created myself. Life doesn't stop for me. All I have to do is take that one step out of the darkness I created, one step to start the change I want for me to get better. All this time I've been saying to myself that all these struggles that I'm facing are just thoughts I created, but I don't really change anything about it. I let myself be consumed by my thoughts and mope all day. For the record, it's not that I control being like that. Most of the time I can't get out. God knows how I try so hard not to let it consume me every time. But as time passes by, it's becoming stronger and harder to fight. And it's also harder to pretend on the outside. I've been pretending to be okay for as long as I can remember. And I didn't ever think that I'll find it difficult to do. At this point, I have no idea what to do anymore.

[elishaaa]

I try so hard to understand people. To see things in a different perspective. To imagine myself in their shoes. I always remind myself that everyone has their own struggles, that's why I shouldn't judge so easily. But after all that, I'm the one left misunderstood. People always see the wrong in me. I disappoint people. I fail them with their expectations from me. They don't try to see the other side. They only see black and white. Why does the world work this way? I'm so tired.

[elishaaa]

I don't want to be sad anymore.

[elishaaa]

I secretly hope that you accidentally find and read all the things I've written about you.

[elishaaa]

Funny how the day turned out ok because i wasn't given the opportunity to be alone with my thoughts.

[elishaaa]

Don't expect things from me, I'll probably fail you at some point.

[elishaaa]

Self-talk #4 I realize now that we're not meant for each other. Why? Because we're the same. And I don't think we'll be happy if we end up together. All we'd do is stare at each other telling ourselves that we're not enough for each other. All we'd do is sleep every night thinking about what tomorrow's sufferings will be. I don't like that for both of us. I hope that we find someone whose going to save us from drowning and keeps pulling us up until we can breathe again. I hope that we find someone who's going to suck out all of our demons living inside us as he/she replaces the void with so much light that our insides almost burst. I hope that we find someone who makes life worth living. I hope we find someone to whom we can't live without, because nothing made sense until they came to our lives. And I hope that we find someone who's going to love us and stay with us through our dark times. Because we'll always have those, even if we try so hard to get rid of them. But when that time comes that we find those people, all those bad days will be worth surviving from.

[elishaaa]

Self-talk #3 I don't want to have these kinds of thoughts anymore. I want it all to end.

[elishaaa]

Self-talk #2 What a day! The morning didn't start right, I know. For a moment I started thinking that the rest of the day will be miserable. Let's hope not. You need to understand that people are like that, they tend to mention the bad things that happened, the flaws of a person, the wrongness of the situation. They like to think highly of themselves by saying that if it were up to them, things will be better- the best even. But it's not, it's not always about them. And I'm glad that you know all that. We seem to be the one who always understand. We're always the one who will adjust for someone, for something. And maybe it's not a flaw, maybe it's an asset, not a liability, because we know and understand something they don't. Doesn't that makes us better than them? Not that rankings are important. But you get the point. ------------------------- Above are the words and emotions I've written at around 5pm. Of course, just when I thought it wouldn't get any worse, it gets worse. I don't even want to talk about it much. I'm so tired of trying and I feel like all of that effort won't even matter in the end. I don't know anymore. I'm so drained. All I hope is that you get more better days than these usual ones. I hope that all we'll be having are just bad days, and not a bad life.

[elishaaa]

Self Talk #1 Sooooo, that wasn't bad right??? That was actually great. This is just one of many reasons why you should stop overthinking and feeling anxious about being around with many people. They're mostly nice but- No, let's not go there. Whatever you're thinking right now doesn't matter. They're just nonsense. They're not worth your precious time. You did great today and that's what is important. I'm so proud of you. Now have a good sleep because you freaking deserve it.

[elishaaa]

I hate having anxieties. I mean who doesn't? I hate that it can consume me anytime and I can't control it. And it's going to come when you least expect it (which doesn't happen often because you ALWAYS see it coming from miles away). And I hate that as time goes by, it's becoming harder to resist the thoughts. DAMN YOU, ANXIETY!!!! DAMN. YOU.

[elishaaa]

Whenever I'm having a bad day, I always keep in mind that it's just a bad day and not a bad life. In the past few days, I'm doubting how the universe treats me. And I'm left thinking: What if it is a bad life, and I'm just experiencing these happy moments every now and then?

[elishaaa]

I’m missing those days and nights Where you would tell me your stories On how your day went, what you’re feeling, your thoughts, and your rants about how life doesn’t go your way.

After that, I would tell you mine. How my day went, what I’m feeling, and what my thoughts are.

And before we go to sleep, we would share our longingness for a world we would want to live in. The what if’s and could’ve been’s. And we’ll realize that we’re not alone after all. Cause we’ve got each other.