[lifeinpoetry]

we are as we are with trunks and branches dragged under our bodies

Maureen Thorson, from “The Concealments,” Novelty Act (via lifeinpoetry)

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

“Is it me, or did the food in here get a thousand times worse recently?”

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

3am// Beth and Logan//

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

“Miah was.. another patient. We were.. somewhat fuck buddies, somewhat junkie buddies.” She answered honestly, shrugging and taking another drag. The stench of the smoke filled the room, and she sighed in content. “Yeah, I know all that. But damn, I didn’t know.. I didn’t know we’d get caught. We planned it so perfectly. We were meant to live with our aunt. Get pocket money, do our homework.. Instead she and my father got a restraining order against us should we ever be released. “Oh.. no.” She shook her head, “Nothing is worse than it was back then, but.. maybe I am? I think.. I’d be a lost less twisted.”

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

Everything Beth said was tucked away for future reference. It didn’t have to me thrown right back in her face, but who knew what their next conversation would be. “We all want the perfect life, but come on. The suburbs would just be a boring time. I can tell you having five essays due is way more stressful than anything they’ve put us through here.” But she’d never lived a completely normal life either, always been the princess trapped behind brick walls and tangles of ivy. Who knew what the life Beth wanted was really like. “But, it does sound happier.” She exhaled a long breath. Seeing Beth so low was painful, she barely knew who this girl was anymore. “Everything sounds happiser when you’re sitting behind bars. My happy story is that somewhere in the world, someone is doing exactly what they want, and they don’t even have to worry about it.”

“You think its possible? To be truly without a care in the world?” She wondered aloud, “I never trusted.. bubbly people. I always think they must be missing something.”

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

“No one ever comes back for more.” She laughed, nodding in understanding. “Ah, so you want some space from him?”

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

“Well if you ever want company at night. I’m here.” Rebecca said nodding. She understood why her sister wouldn’t want to sleep. Most nights she didn’t want to either. “I think I’ll do that. I’m not a fan of nightmares.

“Good, you look tired. Are you eating enough?” She asked in concern. 

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

Edward held his book tightly to his body. After the latest incident he felt like leaving his books alone was out of question. At the same time he wanted tea, and could not just carry around all of them.

“I will…            I will take this one with us if you don’t mind.”

He dared to step forward on her direction, finally leaving the wall where she had been leaning against. He kept his book on the left hand and stretched his arm, his hand looking for her arm so she could guide him. He was visually tensed with the idea of touching someone, but even so, he wanted to do this.

“It’s okay, I just wanted to go grab coffee first alright?” She held out her arm, meaning for him to grip onto her elbow as she started walking. “The canteen is just to the left, past about three doors and through one with two doors.” She spoke as she walked. 

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

3am// Beth and Logan//

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

“Good?” Fuck man, I would ingrain that song onto the inside of my brain if I could.” She chucked, taking a puff of her cigarette and fiddling with one of ehr piercings with the other hand, before passing over a cigarette to Logan. 

“Sure, here.” She smiled, the smoke floating up out of her mouth as she spoke. “You say that... I know I did the right thing, in my twisted version of events. But to anyone else...To Miah, I’m the evillest son of a bitch in the world. I could’ve called the cops, shoved them my medical records or the bruises that littered my mothers body. I could’ve told them the truth about what happened to Rebecca. Instead.. I held my mothers head underwater and then went out to dinner. Now.. I’m here, Rebecca’s here... And everything is much much worse for me. I doubt I’ll ever be able to go back to the outside world. I haven’t been.. free, I suppose since I was thirteen? Well.. the end of thirteen. Then it was military school, house arrest, Juvi, and then here... Fuck.” She sighed, tugging at her own hair as she was overwhelmed by frustration at her life.

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

“I do-.. Nothing in my life. Goblins and fairies, dustfinger and silver tongue. I think of books.. any life that isn’t mine.” She shrugged, removing her squashed carton from her boot ((the same one she’d smuggled in here when she first arrived)) and removed a cigarette, lighting up. “I imagine a whole different life.. If I lived in a nice neighbourhood on a nice street, and my biggest issue is the five essays I’ve got due tomorrow and the joints I smoke.. A father who tries to stop me destroying my life.. Just fucking... A normal world. Not one made of medications and needles, of prison cells and broken noses.” She was drunk and rambling, revealing more than she’d want to. 

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

Phone call// Beth and Miah

Beth: "Uh.. Hello?"

Beth: "Who the fuck is this?"

Miah: "Beth?" ((he sounds sheepish, his voice cracking to make himself sound sorry and pathetic - Miah's good at being pathetic, in manner, expression *and* voice. he milks this for all it's worth))

Beth: "Don't fuckin' tell me this is who I think it is?" ((She's angry, her voice deeper than before from the cigarettes and lack of sleep. She sounds sick.))

Miah: "Yeah, it's Muh-it's Miah . . . heh-huh . . . hey." ((Stuttering is not usually a problem he has, he's faking it. But he's faking it believably))

Beth: "Hey?! You fucking leave and you just call and say 'Hey'. Fuck you! Seriously. What the fuck?! Did you leave a baggie here and want me to get it to you or some fucking shit?!"

Beth: ((Beth takes the phone cradle and the phone, sitting down on the floor and leaning against the nurses station, holding her head in her hands with a defeated sigh. She's far too high and tired to handle Miah right now..))

Miah: "My God . . . Beth, no, can you . . . hey, can you . . ." ((She's not listening. Her assumption that he's calling to obtain drugs makes him feel like complete *shit*))

Miah: "I was released and I went back to foster care, that's all . . . BETH! HI!"

Miah: "Beth?"

Beth: ((She's silent for a minute or two, tugging at her hair and trying to hold it together.)) "Well.. good for you, Miah." She hissed, "Well fuckin' done. Why're you calling? To lord it over me? Guess what I'm still in here. Tada, crazy is still crazy. Still got at least another year in this place with Kevin."

Beth: (She sighed, trying to stop herself banging her head into the wall due to the fact nurses were moving around her)) "You left, Frankie left. Looks like I'll be the only one here when this place shuts down))

Miah: "Ohmygod Beth! Are you serious?!"

Miah: "I was calling. To *apologize*. For not saying goodbye."

Beth: "Serious about what man?" She asked. His next words making her pause.. No one had ever called her to apologize for anything, and she was extremely used to people not saying goodbye. This whole situation threw her. "Why'd they let you out?"

Miah: ((A painful adrenaline surge hits Miah at the mention of Frankie's name. The staff wouldn't have had to pin anything on *him*, but he found it bizarre that they hadn't disclosed what had actually happened. Miah's breath and voice sound shaky, and he's not actually faking it now.))

Miah: "You can't be serious about my motives. Jesus *fuck*."

Miah: "They let me out because it's more expensive to keep me committed than to just move me back to foster care. I'm not fucking crazy. They don't even *know* I'm on drugs . . . so observant. You *and* them."

Miah: "Or no, maybe you're just vindictive. Because if you really believe I'm calling to boast about having been released, then you must be dense as *fuck*"

Beth: "Of course I'm fucking vindictive. You fucking asshole! How would you feel if I fucking called you from the outside world? No one ever calls me.. I'm just fucking.. Kevin's being an asshole, as per usual. Everyone's left me here, and my little sister showed up and she thinks she's dead.. And I'm with Logan, but that obviously won't last long and I can't sleep and there's a laughing man and. I'm fucking nuts Miah, so congratulations on getting out of my shitshow." She rambled on and on, barely thinking about what she was saying. "So yeah, I'm fuckin' pissed off okay? No one else in here is as much of a mess as I am since you left."

Miah: ((Miah drops the attitude and sounds more sympathetic.)) "I'm *really* sorry. I swear to God, okay . . . the point wasn't, like, to *hurt* you."

Miah: " 'Cause I *know* everyone leaves you. So I chickened out." ((Not gonna tell her why, though.))

Beth: Chewing on her lip, she groaned. Unable to think of a response, and now lying flat on her back in the middle of the corridor. "I think I'm just pissed 'cuz you get fuckin' coffee that doesn't taste like liquefied dirt." She smiled softly, beginning to forgive him a little but still hoping for an apology of some kind, or something of that nature. "And fries.. "

Miah: ((Miah shudders, to comedic effect as he picks up on her lighter tone.)) "I would *never*. Eat a french fry."

Miah: "I got to go to my . . . well, like, my *real* girlfriend's house for Thanksgiving. You know, the girl who ruined my life?"

Miah: ((He paused there because he realized right before he nonchalantly blurted out 'I fucked my real girlfriend on the basement futon' he realized that might be hurtful and this isnt his intention))

Beth: Her breath stopped in her throat for a second, her hands tightening into fists. "Don't do that okay, otherwise I'll just hang up on you? Good for you for fucking your 'real' girlfriend, Logan might turn out to be my 'real' boyfriend. But don't throw reality at me, okay? I don't care about real. I'm high as a fucking kite and there's... shit that's happening which makes me think I'm getting well.. crazier. I just want it to go away, Miah. I made it all go away and then you fucking call me and I remember how fucking shitty my life is. So don't.. mention her, okay? Or I'll slit her throat when I get out of here."

Beth: She didn't 'quite' mean that, she just knew she was jealous and didn't know how to deal with it.

Miah: "Oh KAY. Jesus, I didn't realize it was that big a deal." ((He'd gotten around quite a bit during his commitment, usually for lack of better things to do. This wasn't something he did at *school* when he and Olivia were together, but considering how profoundly she'd disrupted his life, there are a lot of things she's letting slide. Miah even told her about Beth . . . and some of it was actually flattering!))

Miah: "Do you, um . . . do you want my number? I have unlimited phone privileges." ((But no cell phone ))

Beth: She laughed, though it was a little hollow. "I-It's not.. fuck whoever you want man. I uh.. sure, why the hell not. I don't know if I have phone privileges actually.. I don't even know if I have any priveleges. I avoid checks like the plague.. if the plague was radioactive. Hey, wait, are you back with your mum then? If you're with Ashley?"

Miah: "You've got *some* phone privileges . . . I mean, they let you take my call, did they not?"

Miah: ((He sounds *really sad* when he says this)) "No Beth . . . they terminted her parental rights. That's, like, court-ordered no-contact."

Miah: "Olivia can, tho-. . ." ((The word is cut short abruptly as he remembers Beth doesn't want Olivia's named mentioned.))

Beth: "Huh, I guess. I should really go check if I have my ipod back then..."

Beth: She frowned, generally sad for him. "I'm fuckin' sorry man. That's shitty.. Who's your foster family?"

Miah: "And, I mean, I'll be 18 pretty soon here. Winter solstice. Family Court doesn't own me after that."

Beth: "You know, I wonder who I'd go to if I got out. Do they let murderers go into foster care or do I just get thrown out?"

Miah: "It's just, I dunno, some random couple with way too many kids. I get my own room, though."

Miah: "You're 18, right?"

Beth: She had to think for a moment, her birthday having come and gone while she was in Iso. "Yeah, couple months ago."

Miah: "You aged out of the system. If they let you out, you're on your own."

Beth: "Well fuck... I think I liked juvi more."

Miah: "There are resources, and stuff. I'll get my own apartment at the Salvation Army on the cheap! It's special, like, at risk youth housing."

Beth: "What are you gonna do when you age out?"

Miah: ((He sounds thoughtful.)) "Yanno, we won't be getting child support anymore . . . but I bet the dude who knocked my mom up would chip in, regardless of what I do."

Miah: "Know how old he is?"

Beth: "Nope, you never told me."

Miah: "He's 52. Mom's 34. She was 15 when she got pregnant, so he doesn't, like . . . you know, want his family to know about us."

Miah: "Kinda gives me a certain amount of power . . . I've got his email address, and he's got my bank account info. He's fucking loaded, Beth."

Beth: "What's his family like? Fuckin' loaded? Well, that'll come in handy. I've never blackmailed someone who was loaded. Should be fun."

Miah: "Fuck if *I* know, I've never even met their *dad*."

Miah: "Slash . . . you know, *my* dad. I bet I have some half siblings, though. He prolly has another wife . . . otherwise, why would he be so ademant about not meeting me?"

Beth: "Google him? I've got a Dad, but he's just boring and middle aged. And y'know, got a restraining order after everything'

Miah: "It's a *yahoo* email address."

Beth: "Right so he won't exactly be active online. Well his kids will, and its always useful to know more about the people you're blackmailing."

Miah: "I don't know his last name. I just have this email address . . . and really, money's no object. Even for Mom and me, and we're just living off his pocket change.""

Beth: "Right, well I uh.. guess 'your' sorted then."

Miah: "Yeah . . . you gonna be okay, then?"

Beth: "Well.. That's your money, not mine. I don't wanna take your money...I-I can manage on my own. If I do get out of here ever."

Beth: "I'll just.. get a job or something... steal shit, I'll be fine."

Miah: " *Network* . . . hey, show up at any restaurant, they'll hire you if you sell yourself properly." ((He sounds optimistic.)) "Think you'll get out of there, then?!"

Beth: "Not right now, I've been in Iso the past couple days so... Think I've got a bit left before I get outta here."

Beth: "And I don't know how to sell myself properly, I mean sure I can be a prostitute and sell myself but not in a good way to get a job man."

Miah: ((Miah's voice this time is hushed and solumn with worry.)) "Beth . . . is, um . . . is Logan letting you suck Greg's dick for drugs?" ((Miah *really* doesn't want Greg to touch her. He'd rather fuck Beth in front of Greg if it'd keep the sicko from even just feeling her up.))

Beth: She paused, wondering what she should say. "I-I um.. He doesn't know. I haven't told h-him that."

Miah: "Well, wh- . . . what if I, like, sent you some cash?"

Beth: She shook her head admittedly. "N-no.. Y-you d-don't fuckin need to.. I can take care of myself y'know, I don't need fuckin cash.. I can take care of myself." She repeated, trying to convince herself this was true. She knew she was in a cycle of self hatred, and that Greg only made it worse, which in turn made her go back more. "I-it's okay, really."

Miah: "*Beth* . . . seriously. Money is *no object* to me." ((You wouldn't know it, looking at their lifestyle, Miah's always been rich . . . like, barely understands the *concept* of money rich.))

Miah: "It doesn't hurt me at all, for *real*." ((The thougth of Greg's gross hands all over Beth kinda does, though))

Beth: "I fuckin'.. I can't do that." Beth's always grown up with very little money, and a mother who was strict on the 'we're not charity cases' thing. "I'm never gonna say yes? I'd rather blow him every day then take someone else's money, I could never pay you back man.. I c-couldn't just..." She sighed, running a hand through her greasy hair. "M-ma- Maybe a little? "

Miah: "Okay . . . I'll send you a birthday card with a few hundered dollars in cash. You can call me any time, okay?"

Beth: She winced at the amount, whispering a small "Thank you." She was grateful, yet her pride had taken a hit. "O-okay.. "

Miah: "You gotta pen?"

Beth: "Wait, hang on." She stood up, nearly dropping the phone as she reached behind the nurses counter for a pen and paper. Glaring back at the nurse who was watching her careful she sat back on the floor. "Yup, shoot."

Miah: "Any number of people will answer 'cause it's a house phone . . . it's prolly not a good idea to call after, like, 10p . . . not that the sanatorium would let you do that anyway, but . . . ok: (404) XXX-XXXX"

Beth: She jotted it down, repeating back the number to check she got it right. "Got it."

Miah: "Ok . . . bye Beth. I'm glad you're, like . . . okay." ((Maybe she's not okay, but he'd rather lie to himself and pretend she's fine.))

Beth: "Yeah.. Bye Miah. T-thanks for calling.."

Miah: "Call me back, yes?"

Beth: "Yeah, I will.."

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

28/11/2015 - fuck you

Oh man, I hate you. You left me here, you mother fucker. You made me imagine a whole other universe and then you left me here in this one. There is no tree house, Miah. There is no father who cried over my absence. I am here in this hospital and I am alone. 

The wind keeps rattling my window, and I think that’s you and me. I’m the window.

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

“Yeah, he’s one of the cooks. Randy something. Sounds like you and your brother are close?”

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

“He called me sweetheart, and I was having a bad day.” She chuckled, “Some kid nearly died of an overdose, so he told. But I got kicked out after following the.. snitches get stitches code.” She shrugged, flicking ash out of an open window. “I’m always pissed, just be glad I didn’t punch him and be grateful I’m back on junk again. Just tell your brother not to piss me off, yeah?”

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

“Woah, Military school, one of my foster brothers went there, I haven’t seen him since.” Cora was interested now. “Have you been to Iso before? My brother almost got caught a couple days ago when he was smoking I was with him so I just distracted the nurse while he put it out. I heard he pissed you off….is that true?” Cora smiled a bit, her brother talked too much.

“Yeah, they kicked me out of that though. I started a drug ring. Iso and me are old friends, I was in there for nearly two months once.. though I guess that’s what happens when you nearly kill a member of staff with a kitchen knife. Yes, he seemed to think he was giving me some wonderful insight into my sisters head. People shouldn’t try and understand me and my sister. They don’t know anything, and they never will.”

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

“I’ve taught Becca enough to know she doesn’t need me to throw punches for ‘er.” She laughed, shrugging, “Stamp out the cigarette. They might take me to Iso, but maybe that’s what I wanted in the first place? Play the game before they play it for you. I like the quiet, or I like the fight. I like the cigarette. What are they gonna do, lock me up?” She chuckled, “I’ve gone to military school, prison and now a psychiatric hospital. Those bitches can’t do anything to me I haven’t done to myself.”

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

“Too many times to keep track of.” She shrugged, taking another drag off her cigarette and lazily blowing smoke rings. “Eh, sometimes I get caught. I know most of the shift changes and security routes so generally no.”

[elizabeth-lilly-white]

Margot sighed loudly, not moving. She hated feeling responsible for peoples emotions, when it was unplanned. And out of all the people, she should not have felt responsible for Beth. “This is the first breeze I’ve felt in a week, no way you can take that away from me.” It was true, the wind blowing at her was a sensation she’d almost forgotten, but in the long term it was a pretty lame excuse. Moments ticked by quietly before she spoke again, “What would make you stop crying. That doesn’t involved ripping out my hair.”

Elizabeth shrugged, silent. The word felt muted, and the ability to talk seemed pointless to her now. She took a shaking breath, trying to calm herself down. She hated crying, hated how her shoulders shuddered the sobs. “...Tell me a happy story.” She finally managed to force out, the sentence once she and her sister had often said to each other after something bad had happened.