I know I don't post on here often anymore but I feel annoying when I complain about my back pain on other social media so here I am. I know that nobody important will really see it
I did have surgery to remove my two first ribs, and I think that alleviated approximately 60% of the problem. The other 40% of the problem has to do with DDD, which as you might know, is not an easily treatable condition. To make matters worse, I have discs that either bulge or herniate in both my lower back and my throacic spine.
So it truly does look like my back is not going to be fully normal ever again. I will likely have to deal with some pain forever.
This is horrible for multiple reason, and the pain is just the beginning. Because I'm in pain all the time, I can't exercise like I used to, and therefore I can't lose weight unless I don't eat a ton of food. This means I will be forced to chose between being hungry and moody or eating normally and being overweight. This also makes me feel like I'm not doing everything that I can you take care of my body. It's like a cycle of demoralization that has a very negative impact on my mental health.
On the plus side, I am back in the gym and exercising, but it's frustrating that the only exercise that I can do revolves around pain management. I can't focus on cardio or muscle strengthening because it will make the pain much worse. Most of the time I have to focus on my spine, shoulders, and lower back, and exercises that will make them feel better.
Can't squat. Can't bench press. Can't deadlift. Can't run. Can't jump rope. Can't do HIIT training. It's really my own personal hell.
And it's not lost on me that much of the severity of the problem is related to simply coming into contact with the wrong person. This is going to be a little woo-woo, but the person that I thought was my spiritual mother essentially put a curse on me. In Vodou, this is no laughing matter, and it very nearly killed me several times. Our whole sosyete trusted her, but something changed during the pandemic that caused her to engage in bad behavior. I don't know what it was. But my back pain sometimes makes me regret coming into contact with this person.
Overall, I feel like I'm an 80-year-old when in actuality I'm only 31. I'm fucking tired man. Despite this post, I'm actually in better shape than I have been over the past 5 or so years, but that's not saying very much. The general pain level has improved from "debilitating" to "chronic acute pain that affects me often." Not fantastic, but it's a start.
But I digress--I'm fucking tired. If I have to deal with this level of pain for the rest of my life, I don't know how well it's going to go. And that might sound bleak, but it's also sort of just how I feel.
Never mind that I will never get a partner that I'm attracted to if I'm overweight. I like the sporty types and any guy outside of that demographic really doesn't do it for me. Since I can't do sports, I can't meet queer sporty guys. I have taken approximately two selfies that I've actually thought were acceptable in the past half decade. This makes being on dating apps hard.
Everything seems to be spiralling downwards. I do still have hope but, tonight is one of those nights where I'm feeling very down on myself. And that's okay--That feeling will go away eventually. But for now I need to post this so that I have at least some way to process my emotions about the situation. If you read this far, thanks I guess.
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