baby gorl.

ELODIE SMEE. 19. PIRATE. send you my love on a wire. lift you up, every time everyone pulls away from you. got balls of steel, got an automobile, for a minimum wage. got real estate, i'm buying it all up in outerspace.

[elodiesmee]

are you excited to be an aunt?

Not at all. I hate my siblings and therefore would hate their offspring. 

[elodiesmee]

What was the best thing about jail?

Soooooo many things, how could I even choose! The best part was definitely eating various shades of grey foods for every meal. Delicious! 

[elodiesmee]

shaynasykes​:

Sounds like you had a much more eventful break than most of us probably did. Can’t say I blame you going straight edge after a foreign prison though, I’d probably do the same. I’m sorry they didn’t have any pastries for you, but thank goodness we’re back in a place with shit like that on hand, right?

The backpacking around Europe part was great, the prison part not so much. Still eventful though! Witnessed a lot of stabbings. The first thing I’m doing tomorrow morning is going to every restaurant in Walt and using the little bit of money I smuggled out from my prison labor jobs and getting every food I missed. What did you do all summer? 

[elodiesmee]

sagegothel​:

Omg, you went to jail? Ew!!! Did they make you wear orange? Did you have to wash your hair in a toilet? How did you not die? 

Yeah! It was not very fun, but I made some friends in the Cosa Nostra mafia so that’ll probably be helpful sometime later on. Not orange, but definitely a jumpsuit. They have showers! They’re just not very private or luxurious. Probably the same way I’ve stayed alive for the rest of my life: dumb luck! 

[elodiesmee]

poseysmee​:

El, that’s crazy! How long were you there? Why didn’t you call me or Jay to bail you out?! Also did you get in there for stalking the backpack guy?! I have so many questions. We should hang out and you can answer them! 

Oh, a few months give or take. Who remembers cell phone numbers anymore!? I know one number and it’s the take out line for Pizza Planet. No, technically I got booked for public intoxication and being a “nuisance”, but it was largely due to stalking the guy. He also pressed charges. 

[elodiesmee]

TEXT | SMIBS

Posey: I don't know WHAT Jay would do, he thinks me having a baby is getting in the way of my "pirate career" 🙄🙄🙄he's like, delusional. You were also IN JAIL APPARENTLY? So I wouldn't have been able to come to you irregardless!!!

Posey: but omg no, you didn't fail me, I'm just scared, I think. Like, scared of birthing a child into a super scary world, scared of giving it one of our very many Smee issues, etc. etc. Me hiding it from you is not your fault at all.

Elodie: Yeah, he doesn't really get that you're the only one of us with real potential to survive in the real world. Speaking of the REAL WORLD, do you and Orion have any kind of plan for like...the seed? I WOULD'VE BEEN OUT EVENTUALLY!!!!!!!

Elodie: Maybe the Ambroseewosees have issues of their own that will cancel Smee issues out? Or maybe because like...you're the mom and hopefully won't get killed by a mermaid it won't have issues? We very largely have mommy issues in this household and I think you'll be a good alive mom so.

[elodiesmee]

TEXT | SMIBS

Posey: because you are the people I was hiding it from!!!!

Posey: But not because I didn't want you to know, because I wanted to protect Orion and the baby. It's been so super awful not having my big sister holding my hand through this. 🥺 Please don't be mad.

Elodie: Protect them from what? The baby isn't even born yet! The only one that could do something to it is you! And if you're worried about Jay, he's all bark and very little bite. Plus, we both know I'm his favorite so I could've talked him off any ledge! Or plank. I'm not mad, I'm just sad! I want you to be able to come to me no matter what! I feel like I've failed you!

[elodiesmee]

TEXT | SMIBS

Posey: I SWEAR I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU.

Elodie: No, Posey-Q! You’re not cute-ing your way out of this one! How are we, YOUR SIBLINGS, the last ones to know!!!

[elodiesmee]

Hellllllooooooo, Walt! After an extended vacation in an Italian prison I am back and mostly straight edge! Except for the drinking, obviously, but I will no longer be following handsome men on their very long backpacking trips! Also they do not have pastries in Italian prison. 

[elodiesmee]

sagegothel‌:

Sage putting ‘bi’ on her survey had been a super impulsive decision, and she still wasn’t sure if it was a good one or not. Elodie Smee was like, totes gorgeous and all, but she also was like, lowkey a disaster maybe? Sage couldn’t figure it out yet, and she wasn’t quite sure what to do with the other girl. When she’d disappeared, she’d wondered if maybe she’d gone to like, swim naked with fish or like whatever pirates did instead of staying by their super pretty dates’ sides, but now, Sage had found her again, and it kind of felt like a total accident. “Um… hi again?” Sage said, her eyebrows raised in confusion as she took in the sight of all the pirate gear she was now holding. “Are we like… going to use this? Because I’d probs look really hot with a sword, right?” she asked, even as Elodie snatched the things back and seemed poised to leave. “For rel! Don’t go anywhere, I like actually want to try the sword thing, it would be fun!”

“Oh!” Elodie exclaimed excitedly when she realized it was actually Sage she was using as a temporary stuff carrier. “You’re who I was looking for!” She started sorting through the stuff in her hands figuring out what she was going to hand back to her date. “Of course we’re going to use it! Didn’t you gather that fact from my face lighting up with a totally smart light and then me yelling ‘Be right back!’ as a I sprinted off into the night?” She held out the extra sword to her, knowing she made the right choice. “Of course you’d look hot! Every girl looks hotter holding a sword, it’s like a law. Boys? It depends.” She pulled Sage to a quieter and less populated spot and drew her own sword out of the sheath. “Pirate lesson number one, always have more weapons on you than the other guy.” She showed Sage her sword, then pulled her dress back to reveal the dagger strapped to her leg. “How many weapons have you got?” 

[elodiesmee]

bazgothel‌:

“Uh-huh, yeah, but why bring them to a dance?” Baz asked, very genuinely perplexed by why he was holding a sword. “Since you’re my best friend’s now-girlfriend’s sister, I need to ask…Is this something we’re going to have to worry about in the future? The Sea Devilians bringing weapons to public places? Cause I’m sure he’ll get over it, but it’d be good to plan accordingly.”

“Because I’m going to teach my date how to be a pirate, duh,” Elodie said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Oh, wait, duh me. Your sister is my date! I’m gonna stab her!” She joked, thrusting the sword at Baz playfully. “Hey, maybe soon I’ll be your sister’s now-girlfriend, wouldn’t that be funny?” She put the sword she’d poked at Baz back in the sheath and threw it around her shoulder. “Well, me and Jay always have a lil somethin’-somethin’ on us, but Posey? Nah. Maybe like a flower crown or something, but a weapon? Not likely. Rafe is like a dad poet now so I doubt he carries anything ever, except a bad attitude.” Elodie laughed at her own joke, not even bothering to look to see if Baz was laughing too. “If you ever want to learn to sword fight, ask me not anyone else, okay? Jay will kill you. Accidentally, but he’ll kill you.” 

[elodiesmee]

“Hold this.” Elodie shoved her armful of various pirate equipment including two swords into the arms of the person nearest to her. She grabbed her very steampunk pirate looking garter holster and slipped it on under her dress, using the person’s shoulder for support. “I had to run all the way home in heels to get this stuff! Well, actually I took the heels off about halfway there and ran barefoot and now I can’t feel my toes, but it was worth it.” Once she had it up on her thigh, she grabbed the sheathed dagger she’d sloughed off onto them and slid it in place. “Do you know how long I had to fight FG to let us bring our pirate stuff into Walt? She was like ‘weapons are dangerous blah blah blah’ and I was like ‘Hello? I do not care’. It took ages, but she finally agreed and it’s finally proving useful.” She grabbed all her paraphernalia and shuffled it around so it all balanced in her arms. “Thanks!”  

[elodiesmee]

I love you so so so much. You're like, the only person I really felt like I could trust this year.

SEND ME ANONYMOUS CONFESSIONS BEFORE 2019 IS OVER.

[elodiesmee]

Left on Charlie’s doorstep with a note:

Merry Christmas! I heard you really liked Nintendo stuff so I went on Reddit to try and barter for some cool stuff! Apparently these Amiibo Marios are pretty special so I hope you like it!

Secret Santa,

Elodie Smee

@charlielabouff

[elodiesmee]

In case anyone still needed to do last minute Christmas shopping for me I have nailed a few spare wish lists I’ve made to the door of my cottage. I had to nail them because the tape was coming off and they kept falling, and yes they are written in crayon because it was the only thing I could find. Feel free to take them at any point and I won’t even be looking because I know someone in Walt must have a secret crush on me and doesn’t want me to know they’re buying a gift for me. Stop by any time! 

[elodiesmee]

TEXT || ELOBY

Baby: I feel like those are both pretty lame for a badass pirate lady but um slashing his tires is definitely more property damaging than anything else so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Elodie: Pirate lady I am, but I wouldn't necessarily call me badass. What else would you suggest?

[elodiesmee]

TEXT || ELOBY

Elodie: Should I slash his tires or egg his house?

Elodie: You know, in our inevitable John Tucker must die situation.