Eloise, Baroness of Camoys

Introducing Eloise Deverell , the Baroness of Camoys, 24. 

[eloisecamoys]

Eloise had only just returned to court, and she was sure that news of her...disastrous life event. But she wasn’t going to focus on that topic. She couldn’t, and expect to survive without feeling even sadder than she already did. William was avoiding her, after she’d told him, and Garrick was busy, so she was content to exploring the scenery around the castle. 

Which is how she ended on horseback - the first time she’d been able to do it in months. But she didn’t expect to run into another person. Guiding the mare out of the center of the lane, she offered a smile to the new companion. “Are you going or coming?” She asked, since they’d come to a crossroads, nodding towards the road to the castle. 

[coralineatwood]

coraline did her best not to think too long or too often of the number of friends she had here in court, but recently it was impossible to keep her mind off of it. considering all of the ladies she had met at this point there was only really one she could trust with her current situation, and while she had mentioned her concerns she hadn’t spoken to the baroness since she’d confirmed her worries. perhaps it was selfish, to burden another with a situation that she was completely to blame for, in fact she knew that it was, but if she kept it any longer completely to herself she feared she might combust. the prospect of taking all of the money she could manage and taking off was already growing on her. 

walking along the garden paths she was glad that it seemed that her fainting spells were behind her, and seeing eloise ahead she could quicken her pace without any issue. arriving before the woman she grinned widely, “eloise! it has been too long.”

@eloisecamoys

[eloisecamoys]

Eloise had only just returned to court, officially. Edward had been steering clear of her, and Robert, though he was upset to not have had the sibling that he’d been looking forward to, was glad to have her back. And she was glad to have him back. However, when she’d put him down for his nap - because if Edward’s threat of a governess was true, she wouldn’t miss the moments she had now - she’d made her way outside, unable to stay within in the castle any longer than necessary. 

She’d been walking in the gardens, enjoying the warmth, when she heard her name. Turning, she offered a smile at the familiar blonde. She briefly recalled a moment in a hall and rose an eyebrow slightly at the sight of her now. She didn’t seem to be suffering from the same dizzy spells she had been then. “Coraline, what a treat,” she said with a smile, closing her fan and walking to meet her. “How are you doing?” 

[eloisecamoys]

dukeofcresswell:

william stood in silence a long time, his chest rising and falling was imperceivable, completely still; as if somehow by doing so he could stop the clock and force the turning world around him to halt. it was the act of a coward, to wish a way back and not forge a way forward, but it was all he could do to keep himself from turning inside out, hollowing from his lungs the words which raced through his mind, emptying his stomach of the bile which had risen up within it. if he could only stay still, and keep all those ugly things he had tried so hard to contain for all of these years from pouring out from behind the rock walls within him, then perhaps this was survivable. perhaps this too could find its way into its own closed corridor of his soul, and he could live on. but he felt the shaking of his hands before he had a chance to forge a plan to keep himself standing, and any hope of that was lost. in an instant he had forgotten the promise in his voice just moments before, rapidly stepping away from eloise, seeking any distance he could find from such a betrayal. and his words were hollowed out, weak and empty shells of what they should have been, the chords within his throat quivering like a child’s. and he could not help but remember how they once had, how his face had once fallen and his heart had stood still with the news of his mothers death. and in many ways this present moment proved itself more painful than that memory, there was no body to cast into the ground, no headstone to weep beside, nothing but the space which stood between the pair in the suddenly ice cold room. “what?” he asked, though he needed no clarification. perhaps her words should have made some sense of those things which had passed between them, perhaps the pieces should have clicked soundlessly together in his mind, and in the place of the puzzle which had existed so long in his thoughts would be an image of forgiveness. but that was another world, a world where he took her into his arms instead of stepping further backwards. 

he felt his back as it hit the wall behind him, but the echo of force felt far off and foreign. his expression was replace suddenly with stone, a wall had been built between them then, and though he could not see it he recognized it’s presence immediately. as if that could do either of them any good when the damage was already done. “why?”

Eloise could feel the tension between them, could feel the wall being built brick by brick between them. She wanted to follow him when he retreated, like she’d wanted him to follow after her when she’d left, not that she’d admit it out loud to even herself. This was harder than telling Garrick, which she knew it would be. Part of her had hoped that Garrick had told him first, but she knew that that would have been cowardly. She reached up and wiped a tear off of her cheek, looking down at her feet a little. Rather than taking a step towards him like she wanted to, she took a step back, twisting her hands together. 

“Why?” She asked, looking up at him finally, swallowing thickly. She thought for a long moment before sighing and tucked her hair back. “I know that you’ve heard it already, but I was afraid,” She said finally, weakly. “It wasn’t fair to you, and I know that now. I knew it then, too, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to feel like I’d trapped you. I didn’t want to...I didn’t want to think that maybe you’d think that my parents had...trapped you.” She knew that William had deserved more of a benefit of the doubt from her. And he did - she knew that it wasn’t fair to him, to have kept it from him. She opened her mouth to say something but closed her mouth, too and sighed softly, hugging herself. “I loved you, I did. But you knew my parents. And I knew my parents. And I didn’t want you to think any less of me because of them. You knew what they wanted from me. And I didn’t want you to think that I did it on purpose or something.”

[mrchandlerbings]

[eloisecamoys]

dukeofcresswell:

“then perhaps your memory has failed you eloise, but we have had this conversation before.” he answered, tone sharper than he intended, lashing out as if she had somehow wounded him with her apology. “and no matter how many times you assure me of my lack of fault my conscience stays the same, you are doing neither of us any favours in rehashing old wounds”, he added turning from her. he did not want to have this conversation, not in the slightest, he would much rather pretend those scars which existed on his heart were marks made by another woman, a ghost. “these same assurances will not heal me, they will not absolve you of whatever guilt it is you carry, so why is it you refuse to move on from this?” it was what he wished to do, to move on and forward, and perhaps it had been foolish of him to believe it but he had thought that was what they had done that night spent in his chambers. 

he turned to her, suddenly gentler than before, taking her hand in his, “if there is something new that you must say, something that will lighten your burden eloise, then say it.” his other hand rested on her cheek, “say it or move on, move on from your mistakes with me”. and without even a thought he had extended her his most sincere invitation, what it could ever possibly mean he did not know, she was married to a man who was not him, and he had duties of his own, but in that moment he might have forsaken it all simply for the chance to forget the phantoms which haunted him every step he took. 

She felt her eyes burn when he turned away from her, her chest tightening. This was all a repeat of what had been said before. She watched his back for a moment, eyes taking in the form of him, sure that the moment she told, he’d never wish to see her again. She felt like a monster, having hidden it from him for so long - four years felt like a lifetime to her - but she’d been afraid. She felt ashamed of the fear now. She knew that there were worse things to fear than being hated by one who she loved. 

His touch was warm against her cheek and she leaned her head into it, feeling the tears well for a moment, one escaping before she could will them back. “I have no mistakes with you,” She promised, her voice soft. She couldn’t subdue the words then, and she dropped her gaze, unable to meet his eyes. Her fingers laced with his for a moment before she retreated, swallowing thickly. “Robert... Robert is not Edward’s, William,” She told him, her mouth going dry as her vision blurred. She could see the little boy in her mind, as though he were standing with them. Wiping her cheeks, she shook her head a little and held her hands together, fingers laced tightly. “He’s yours.” 

[celestialchimchim-blog]

“We’re so distracted by how things end, we usually forget how beautiful the beginning was.”

-Laiya Waheed

[celestialchimchim-blog]

“We’re so distracted by how things end, we usually forget how beautiful the beginning was.”

-Laiya Waheed

[eloisecamoys]

dukeofcresswell:

perhaps there was some other force, lurking a listening in, to whom her words made any kind of sense, but to william they all bore the familiar sound of an excuse. it was easier to think of them in such a light than to face the ever increasingly apparent reality that there was some knowledge he was not privy to, some admission with catastrophic implications. and he had worked too hard in the past years to bat off such a possibility to allow him to accept it now. the shades of black and white he so readily accepted may have left a great deal aside, but they were simple, clear. “do not blame this on an engagement which was killed long before i ever shared a a bed with you eloise”, his tone dropping as he finished the sentence, fearful that somehow he would be overheard. 

none of what she said became any clearer as she confirmed the fears that william had possessed since her return to court, laying themselves heavily on his heart as whispers of rumor had reached his ears. perhaps he had always been the fool, too much existing in the world that he lacked the ability to see, but whatever it was she kept from her words did not exist as plainly visible as that. he could hear it in her words, in the wavering of her voice; he could feel it in the way that even now, as frustrated as he was, the duke wanted very badly to turn to her and take on the task of comforting her. “what future did you fear for, the one where i remained under the constant command of a father who despised the failure i had become, the future where i walked these halls where the topic of every conversation seemed to be my failed courtships and engagements?” his eyes focused on her, his voice falling once more, “or did you fear i’d grow up to be the man my father raised?” perhaps he had been angrier than he had ever known at that time, he certainly was far from untroubled, stepping closer to her his voice was a mere whisper, “did you see in my eyes what you now see in your husband’s?” william was pleading now, for some other answer, as hard as it might have been to understand it must have been better than those whirling about in his mind. “if not for any of these reasons, than why?”

“I’m not blaming it on your engagement, William. That’s not it, I didn’t want you to think that I was only...with you because of my parents, constantly squabbling for some new title, some more land, some more power. I didn’t want you to think that I was trapping you, somehow,” She said, becoming dangerously close to saying it all. The word vomit was waiting at the base of her throat, her tongue heavy. She looked up at him almost pleadingly, folding her arms over her stomach, hugging herself. “Some part of me thought, then, that you were just... biding your time, entertaining some part of yourself until an engagement was back on. That I was some, I don’t know, some plaything. I don’t know. I suppose that’s partially Garrick’s fault, partially my own. I didn’t think it through clear enough.” 

“I feared a future where you hated me, William. Where you disregarded me for something else, something better. A princess, a queen, something that could give you more than I could have,” She said with a weak laugh, though she cut it off. “I knew that you would not grow into the man your father wanted for you, there was no question that you would not,” She said, her hands taking his, finally, holding one of his hands between her own, squeezing gently. She looked up at his whispered plea and shook her head. “I could never see in you what I saw in Edward. Never. You are a better man by leagues. One that I was too much of a fool to see from the beginning. And I’m sorry.” 

[eloisecamoys]

dukeofcresswell:

as her fingers moved his attention was drawn away from her face, and settled on the sparkling rings upon her finger, he felt acid churning in his stomach as he did. “ do you really look upon that night with such distain?” he paused a long moment, tongue pressing against his teeth, “ i certainly do not.” 

and his mouth opened unexpectedly as she spoke, eyes wide and surprised by her words, it seemed her sole ambition this evening was to risk his hearts health. he would have liked to push the subject away, pretend the apology had been but a gust of wind which had existed for only the moment that it ruffled his hair, but he could not. “then why did you? please tell me why eloise. was there some future i could not offer you?”

“No!” She said quickly, shaking her head at the mere thought that she might think of it so horridly. Part of her was glad that he did not regret it. She dropped her hands to her sides and walked towards him another step, as if to touch him. “I look upon it more fondly than I do almost anything else.” She wanted him to know that she thought of him greater things than he seemed to think of himself, but couldn’t put it into words. 

She forced her breathing to slow, to steady herself. “No, no, I know now that there was not,” She said, looking up at him finally, her gaze flickering over his features for a moment. She wanted to run her fingers through his hair, smooth it back from his forehead. “No, then I thought there was..everything in our way. And perhaps it was foolish of me - it was, I was very foolish - but I did not wish to put you in a position in which you were unhappy. I didn’t want to be the reason you did not take paths already laid out for you - I’d heard things, about your engagement to Catherine, and I knew - or I thought that I knew - oh, I don’t know!” She gave up finally, shaking her head. “I know now that whatever the reasons I had were wrong, and I am doomed to live with the monster that is my husband because I was a fool.” 

[eloisecamoys]

dukeofcresswell:

William’s eyes narrowed on Eloise as she spoke, as if her words were more an accusation than an apology. Perhaps it had been his father who had instilled this defensiveness within him, constantly keeping him on his toes and all too prepared to defend his manliness. But it felt like much more than that, as though she sought to write it off, write them off, as nothing more than a drunken -or in this case illness- driven mistake. Too often he had been the one who had written off the sentiments of his heart, after he had been the one hurt, but had he hurt Eloise? And how?

“I am not an easy man to be taken advantage of Eloise, I would think you know that.” He felt his head as it swivelled side to side, but his eyes remained transfixed on her, “Is that all you came to say?”

She could see that it wasn’t going well and she fiddled with one of the jeweled rings on her finger. She swallowed thickly and shook her head. “No, you are not an easy man to take advantage of, nor do I really regret it, but for the sake of...appearances, I suppose. I’ve felt bed, to think that I’d forced you into something you may not have wanted simply because I had -” She stopped talking and looked at her feet, feeling her cheeks warm. 

“I’m sorry for leaving,” She said before she could stop herself, closing her eyes. “For leaving and not saying anything to you. For not writing while I was away.” 

[lifeinpoetry]

If you’re happy in a dream does that count?

Arundhati Roy, from The God of Small Things (via lifeinpoetry)

[eloisecamoys]

cardinal-rodrigo:

“Your life sounds very troubled indeed, my child,” he began, sighing to show how he sympathised with the woman. It seemed that her life had been complicated for many years, and most of her issues seemed to stem from the relationship with her husband. “Before I forgive you, and I will, my dear, but I must ask whether you love this man who seems to be such a thorn in your life- or whether he loves you in turn.” It would be hypocritical to judge the woman’s husband, as he had been far from the ideal husband himself- he knew that the husband would be suffering from personal issues, perhaps ones of power.  “I also assume that the other man you share your bed with is also the father of your son? And do you think your husband took this woman to his bed because of your behaviour, that is, if he knows?”

She resisted the urge to scoff at his observation because she knew that he was being honest and not saying it just to say it. She turned her handkerchief between her fingers, fiddling with it to stay focused. At his question, her eyebrows furrowed in thought. “I tried to, from the start. I tried to be the doting wife that we are taught that men want, but no, I don’t believe that it was ever in the cards for the pair of us. I do not love for my husband and he does not love me,” She answered, not that she blamed him for the matter. One couldn’t force feelings that did not exist, though she did doubt that Edward was able to love at all. “In fact, I’d be surprised if he even admitted to caring for me.” Her face went pale at the thought that Edward might know about her straying with William, and she shook her head. “Father, I do not believe that I’d be here, now, in front of you, had my husband known that I’d shared another’s bed,” She admitted in a quick hush. When he asked about the father of her son, she couldn’t help but to picture William’s face when she’d told him, and she nodded quietly. “Yes, the other man is my son’s father, whom I care for...deeply. Which is why I did not share the news when I first found out.” 

[john-neville-blog]

“In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti,” Rodrigo said, making the mark of the cross and expecting his partner to do the same. Then he sat more comfortably in the confessional, his eyes fixed straight ahead so he did not compromise his companion’s identity. “Do not worry, I am new to court and do not know any of you well enough to recognise your voices,” he then said, his Italian accent lacing his words. “This is confession, and I do hope that you know how it works. But if you wish to speak of other matters, myself and God are here to advise you.”

[eloisecamoys]

Eloise could not recall the last time she’d gone to confession. Likely before she’d seen William after the attacks. She closed her eyes at the thought and took in a steadying breath, making the sign of the cross as well. It was almost second nature, having done it her whole life. She clutched her handkerchief against her stomach. Her posture stiffened and she was glad to hear that he was a newcomer. She’d always sensed the judgement of the last bishop that had taken confessions. 

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,” She intoned, looking ahead of her at the door to the confessional. “It has been some time since my last confession. I have since shared the bed of a man that is not my husband. I have also quarreled with my husband, and ignored his wishes,” She said. She wondered how often the man behind the screen heard similar confessions. “I have also passed off my son with one man as the son of my husband, deceiving those in my own household and those at court. I have wished ill on a woman that my husband has taken to bed.” 

[eloisecamoys]

greer-sinclair:

Greer returned Eloise’s smile. “I have missed you too. I must admit that a great deal has been going on to make us busy, tired even. I have forgotten how nice it can be to take a moment to myself.” The blonde mused. Part of her wanting to pour her heart out to her friend about all the hardships plaguing her. Yet, she did not want to ruin the moment.

Eloise frowned a little but nodded nonetheless. Since the baby, she seemed to have nothing but time to herself, which was certainly not something she’d expected for this time. “Tell me about what’s going on in court, then,” She said, smoothing away the frown before sipping from her tea cup.”I’m not sure when I’ll be rejoining it, officially and my ladies are awful at getting anything interesting.”

She sat back, folding her hands in her lap expectantly, a pleasant smile on her face. Part of her wanted to unleash it all out on Greer, but she knew that it wouldn’t do any good in the long run perhaps incite Edward’s anger even more. 

[fashion-beauttty]

[eloisecamoys]

[eloisecamoys]

let-the-queen-conquer:

“I shall, my lady. I hope that you are able to make the most of your day as well.” She replied with a charming smile.

Eloise smiled and tilted her head towards her. “I shall, of course. Though, I do believe that I will make my way back inside. Robert should be awake by now and I promised him a story,” She said, raising from her seat and clasping her book in between her hands. “And let you enjoy your stationary day.”