Dancing Through Life

Alexandra, 31, PhD princess ✨

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I don’t remember I have even been this sick.

Now my chest hurts too. We are here for about 5 days and I haven’t felt like myself ever since.

Cough, potentially fever, headache, now this pain in my chest. I’m crying. Not because I want to or I need to. I’m just crying. This is my response. I’m feeling extremely vulnerable and hopeless. Someone who can’t do a things. At least now my nights are less sleepless.

And I know we shouldn’t have left the house yesterday. And I know we should have just stayed in the hotel. But I haven’t been in this place for 6 years and god knows if I even come back again. I wanted to see things, visit friends.

But I didn’t know how cold it will be the wind next to the sea. This place is supposed to be hotter right now. Everyone is saying this. The locals are happy for some mild weather. But for me it’s the ultimate curse.

I’m feeling shit. Now even mentally and physically. I shouldn’t. We paid so much to be here. We worked so hard on the plans. Travelling to the other side of the world is not easy or easily accessible. I’m feeling guilty to be sick.

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Being sick while travelling isn’t funny.

Loosing your anti depression meds while travelling pretty ‘depressing’.

Reading a now 18 chapter long fan fix and begin way too obsessed that thinking about learning book binding… I always liked slow burns and anxiety in fiction…

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Trying to write

I have sent my current progress to my supervisor. She was happy I was that proactive. I said cool, I will continue working and going forward until we talk.

This was about a week ago. A bit less. I have not written anything ever since. Tried to open my work and remind myself where to go forward... Did not really work. I do not know.

My partner is always tired, I am mostly anxious, people around me are anxious. I want to go back to bad, cuddle with a cat of mine and cry, maybe sleep.

I want to be positive and going forward but I am just so easily distractable and upsettable. It is hard with my family too. Can someone hold me and tell me that it will be alright? xiexie

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What is to be a "normal" human being?

When I told my therapist that I cannot get anything done if there is no clear deadline in front of me ("like if the draft is not ready by Friday my head will be chopped off"), she said it was normal.

I mean, I secretly hoped I would get a diagnosis I could show my supervisor: THIS is why I cannot get anything done.

Did not happen... Any help?

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As I am writing about international student mobility...

Or say it that way: As I am trying to write something very smart...

Not really works.

So my supervisor said: I need a serious literature review by the end of summer.

Spoiler alert! It is the end of summer. I do not have this serious literature review.

I did not try that much. I admit. After my exam on the 15th of June, I went to hibernate for a month. After my hibernation ended around the 10th of July, I started to panic and had no clue how to write this thing. So I did what I usually do: talked to my *other* supervisor. (note: he is not really my supervisor, but a friend with a PhD who has been checking my work for more than 3 years now.) I got some help and then I suffered forwards as a fish on the ground. Finally, I went on vacation for a week, so I have not touched my laptop for 7 days. I came back and had big ideas. Monday, I was working. I found my mojo back (it was the 7th of August if I am correct). Tuesday, I had a fight with my partner that caused me not to work on Tuesday, but to cry instead. Thursday was my bday so basically, I was unable to work since Wednesday due to celebrations.

Last Monday, I realised that it is mid-August and I do not have anything new for 2 months. Last week I worked and made up two new pages about the history of international mobility. It was more than my whole work during the summer so I was proud but I started to be anxious and stressed.

Today I added two more pages, mostly coming from my earlier works. Will it be good? I have my doubts.

Any ideas on how to tell this 'story' to my supervisor?

[elsievier]

Back to tumblr, like in my twenties?

Yeah, turning thirty does not mean a lot for loads of ppl. Some want to avoid this age, and some say it it the most beautiful of all (yeah. they are older already, you guessed).

I decided to come back to my roots and "start blogging" again. Funny innit?

Being a PhD student, the need of writing all the time and now I can write in my so-called free time as well. Ironic? But I used to like writing a lot. Connecting people. I did sometimes. And there were the creeps. Maybe I won't even continue. But let's see.

Is it a millennial/zillennial (learnt this a few weeks ago) thing to come to tumblr and cry our hearts out? I was not even 20 when I did my first/second/third blogs (the blog motor I created them is already not existing), more like in my late teens. Does it mean that I am old if I can think in decades? Maybe just connecting with my inner child.

Talking about children... I just cried a few days ago about not being pregnant. My sister is pregnant. My high school best friend is expecting her second child. My ex-roommates are both pregnant. (not all. just from one of the dorms I lived 5 years ago. I do not know about the rest. would not be surprised if they were pregnant too.) And do not misunderstand me. I do not want to be pregnant right now. I want to finish my PhD and decide if I want to move abroad or not. Anyway, decide if I want a child or not. Do not even know yet, I think I just have FOMO.

Is it an adult thing to check my blogpost's grammar with Grammarly?