“wait- you want me to take you outside of jackson??”
ellie looked at MG, who was nodding excitedly. it wouldn’t have been a problem if it weren’t for the limp on MG’s right leg. a long scar from her ankle up to her knee from an accident long before she found jackson.
“jesse told me the stars were really pretty outside on patrol, and you like stars, so we could look together!” MG beamed, as ellie fidgeted with her ring and pinky fingers.
“…but your leg-“ MG cut ellie off.
“it’s fine, really! i’ll bring my crutch if i really need it.”
ellie thought for a sec, biting back a smile as she finally nodded. “we’ll leave tonight. we’ll sneak you out before maria finds out, ok?”
. . .
the two walked down the path, an already familiar route for ellie. MG looked around, her eyes wide as her arm wrapped around ellie’s. ellie slowed her pace down to match MG’s, who was limping away beside ellie. ellie kept her eyes on the road ahead, keeping her mind on anything but MG’s arm against hers. “so, tell me why maria’s so-“ she gestured awkwardly with her hands. “helicopter parent over you?”
MG smiled, as if excited to tell the story. “maria and my mom were close. my mom loved baking and maria loved trying them. after my mom and dad… y’know, maria sorta took care of me.”
ellie listened, her head nodding. “that makes more sense.” she didn’t want to mention MG’s limp, or suggest that maria knew MG would die outside of jackson.
MG put down a blanket in a little clearing—a spot in between the trees where the moon shined and the stars glowed. the two looked up at the stars, the way they twinkled differently without the light pollution from the city. though, ellie found herself looking away to glance at MG.
as MG’s finger mindlessly caressed the swell of ellie’s chemical burn, ellie’s breath hitched. she knew MG wouldn’t care, knew that if she told her the truth about her immunity, she wouldn’t tell anyone. ellie’s eyes locked with MG, who was already looking at her.
“..ellie, thank you for bringing me out here.. the stars are so pretty.” she smiled, but she knew the stars were the last thing on her mind.
“yeah, anytime maf, really.” ellie couldn’t look away, her hands itching to run through MG’s hair. if she were to kiss her right now, ellie wouldn’t mind it. after kat, she knew she couldn’t spread the virus, and MG would be safe.
the stars were long forgotten about as MG’s hand trailed down to intertwine with ellie’s, their eyes talking for them. “…why’re you so quiet?” ellie asked, her voice low. she knew MG knew the emotions were in the air, but both of them were too scared to do anything.
“…just.. thinking.” MG whispered, her eyes averted and locking on their hands.
“thinking of..?” ellie tilted her head, hiding her blush when she saw MG’s eyes flickering down to her lips.
“…us- i guess.” she mumbled as her thumb mindlessly caressed ellie’s hand.
“there’s an us now?” ellie asked quietly, almost teasingly.
“..you know what i mean.” MG groaned, hiding her face in ellie’s shoulder. ellie was quiet, not wanting to push. even now, she needed MG to say it out loud what she felt about ellie.
“….i was thinking, your eyes look really- really pretty in the moonlight.”
ellie froze, not expecting MG to speak up all of a sudden. ellie’s hands reached up, finding the confidence to play with MG’s hair. “..yeah? yours too.”
“….ellie?”
“yeah?”
“…can- can we..”
suddenly, a rustle. the two of them go silent, when the deafening sounds of clicking came behind them. MG could feel her heartbeat in her head, her body tingling as she remembered. she remembered how her father pushed her out of the way, remembered the shouts for her to run. she didn’t want to run again.
MG shoved ellie quickly as the clicker pinned her to the ground. ellie shot once, twice, thrice, until the mag was empty. the clicker was already dead by the fifth bullet, but ellie was acting impulsively. even with her military training, she couldn’t shoot away the reality.
there MG was, her eyes wide as she gripped the bites on her neck, her breath raspy and leaking from the wounds. “maf! maf! no no no..! fuck! hey- it’s- it’s okay.. it’s okay.. shit- fuck, why’d you push me out of the way dumbass..?!”
“ell… el…” MG gurgled, her lip quivering. even as ellie’s hands gripped MG’s neck, she could feel her slipping away. “don’t speak- don’t-… fuck..!” her voice was a raspy, desperate beg, her eyes locked on the girl so full of life just a minute ago.
MG’s hands weakly gripped ellie’s, her eyes locked on the stars. “i… i..” MG trailed off, her quivering coming to a stop as her hand slipped from ellie’s. ellie cradled the girl, her hands desperately trying to wipe away the blood on her face.
she can’t forget the walk back to jackson. the way MG’s body was cold in her arms and her head was pressed against ellie’s. none of it felt the way it used to. the stars wouldn’t glow the way they used to.
—
hello drunkmoths nation!! ily bella, this is for YOU
pls note i wrote this with my own experience with autism in mind + very much written to cope while on holiday 😭 not gonna be perfect at all
♡ ellie researched your disability when you had timidly told her you were autistic, n she had decided then and there she would do the best she could to take care of you and provide a space where you can be yourself
♡ ellie knows your nervousness when it comes to dinners with friends n always makes sure to pack a safe food for you. whenever you need it, ellie assures you “hey, its okay, its okay. nobodys getting mad at you, you do whatever your comfortable with.”
♡ whenever you have a hyperfixation on an interest, ellies always the one there to be listening. asking you questions n being there to rant to, always patient and letting you take your time when your explaining. learning more about it in her own time to ask you about it later. making you trinkets of it/buying you merch of it and bringing it up whenever she feels like you need a gateway to talk about it when you get too scared to ask so yourself
♡ double & triple checks ur headphones to make sure its charged before going out. the two of you have a shared playlist that you listen to, it reminds you that ellies here n makes being in public less of an isolating experience
♡ takes note of what textures you do n dont like very precisely. your preferences are the main factors that ellie takes into account of when shes buying new bed sheets, clothes, blankets etc.
♡ has grown to notice the small details to look out for when your overstimulated. especially when your out, she makes sure to be checking up on you if you need anything at all
♡ drops everything when she notices your overstimulated. she gets you into a space with no prying eyes so you dont have to keep masking n rubs circles into your back. you take all the time you need, being around ellie doesnt make you feel like a burden
♡ takes charge whenever the both of you interact with unfamiliar people. ellie has the ability to make conversation while also including you if she notices your feeling left out, driving questions n facts your way. otherwise, ellie simply keeps the conversation going without you having to deal with it if you dont want to.
♡ with time, you began to feel comfortable enough to unmask around ellie. creating a space where you felt like you could speak your mind without having to worry about sounding rude or coming off as “weird.”
wc;cw : 5.4k, ANGSTTTT, sistersbestfriend!ellie, gutarist/producer!ellie, age gap(three years), violinist!oc, all ocs r black coded yall see it, queers being queer omg so lame🙄, descriptions of mania, anxiety and panic attacks, depression, lots of crying, yelling and screaming, ellie’s mean, but so is big sis😛, reader getting bold oop, slight smut(ellie gets head, but nothing super descriptive), like one mention of vaping/drinking, more time skips :|, cat’s kinda rich and hot😳, protective big sis struggles :(, more sad, brief mention of deceased and verbally abusive parents clock that teaaa :O, actual classical music references bc i’m a nerd obsessed w orchestras
It was December, you were fifteen, and you haven’t heard from Ellie since her birthday.
After you and your sister frantically left the Miller residence, you’d broke down on your front porch. Despite your attempts of trying to hide your devastation from your sister until you at least got inside, so many emotions—sadness, anger, love, lovelovelove — exploded right in front of your front door.
What the fuck did she say to you?! your sister had asked angrily. You knew in your gut that she hadn’t been upset with you, but you couldn’t help the immense guilt that overtook your body. You’d unintentionally dragged your beloved sister into you and her best friend’s one-sided, fucked up love story. Even though you knew your sister loved Ellie, she loved you more and she would pick you over anyone that she knew without a second of doubt. You might’ve just ruined twelve years of friendship. You hated yourself. You wanted to disappear.
Your sister had calmed you down enough for you to regain functionality and quietly walk inside so that you wouldn’t wake your mother. She’d bent down to help you unlace your boots as you dug your palms into your eyes. Your sister had quickly hung up her keys on the holder on the wall, tossed her clutch on the couch, and guided you upstairs.
After both of you got to her room, she gently closed the door behind you before she started pressing you for information. She was always there to gently talk you back down to earth when you were overwhelmed, but when her angered tone penetrated your ears and your skull, you knew you wouldn’t be getting out of this one easily.
“What the fuck just happened!” she angrily whispered as she trapped your back to the door with an accusatory point of her finger.
Your trembles began peaking again. All you could do was shake your head. Don’t say it. Don’t. You were so frazzled that you hadn’t noticed your sister’s phone buzzing in her hand the second you both left. Ellie. You knew it was Ellie. It had to be her. Ellie. Oh god. EllieEllieEllie—
She’d raised her voice slightly as she called your name in attempts to regain your attention.
You’d gripped your black cloak tighter in your hands. Nononono don’t say it don’t—
“I'm in.. I… love…her.” you’d barely whispered.
She choked out a small what.
You’d squeezed your eyes shut as more tears escaped at a pace you couldn’t control.
“I… Lov..e,” you whimpered out, your voice cracking. You could barely breathe.
Your sister's eyes had widened in acknowledgement before her expression fell, and it made you sob harder.
Your sister had fallen silent after your very shaky and gay admission that night.
She brought herself down from the initial shock before she coaxed you through your breathing exercises. Once she noticed that you had finally calmed down, she gently took your hand in hers and led you towards her private bathroom. She watched you jump onto the sink as she turned the water on before she quickly retreated to her room to grab herself and you some pajamas and wash clothes from her dresser.
When she returned, she handed you your usual oversized t-shirt, which you stood to change into, before she put your washcloth under the cool stream of water and patted your still burning face. She noticed you’d been closely watching her expression with the hopes of finding anything in her eyes, but she remained stoic and moved on autopilot.
She’d quickly changed clothes, washed her face, and put her bonnet on before walking you both back into her bedroom and to her bed. She went to her usual side before getting under her cotton sheets, tucking herself in with her back turned to you.
She’d felt you ease into the bed before you shuffled closer whispering a gentle and terrified do you hate me? in which she simply shook her head no against her pillow.
She felt you wrap your smaller arms around her frame as you held her close, and she finally allowed the tears she’d held back to overflow. She prayed you hadn’t noticed.
She’d felt you squeeze tighter.
Your birthday was still.
Even though your friends had gone all out for your special day, —they baked you red velvet cupcakes and brought balloons to your first period classroom, much to your teacher’s dismay— you faked your excitement and enthusiasm even though you appreciated their grand gesture.
When you’d finally gained the courage to invite them over to tell them what happened on that traumatic night, they’d been nothing but supportive and comforting. Starr even hollered out a fuck ellie! into your shoulder for extra emphasis as she hugged you, in which you sadly, but jokingly replied not too much.
Your sister had been driving you to school that week due to your mother’s new work duties—bless her heart— and every time she caught your eyes in the rearview mirror, she quickly dropped them, staring back at the road blankly. She’d mumbled out a see you at three as she parked on the curb of your campus, which you sadly nodded at before you got out of the car with your violin case in hand.
She never used to drop you off without an i love you! and be safe!
You’d ruined everything.
Ellie was a wreck.
She couldn’t gather the strength to contact your sister, you, or even your mother for over a month and her self-inflicted negligence had her experiencing a loss that she hadn’t felt since her fucking mom died. A vacancy. An emptiness.
After you fled from the patio that night, she instinctively moved to chase after you with a shout of your name before her girlfriend released a shriek of are you seriously fucking leaving right now, el, what the fuck?! and her tone made her halt. Her breathing had been heavy, but she was practically hyperventilating now, picking hard at her scarred cuticles as hot tears filled her eyes, and she immediately regretted throwing this fucking party. Fuck Halloween and fuck Jason fuck everything—
She’d memorized that tone from the countless arguments she had with her girlfriend— her mom—about choice. Specifically, the ones that she made.
You either stay here with me, or you go live with your fucking dad and never see me again! It’s up to you!
She knew that she had to choose between you: someone who treated her so gently, looked at her like she hung the stars in the sky, saw her in her purest form. And someone she accidentally fell in love with. Someone who tended to her wounds. Someone who provided a good distraction from the chaotic world that surrounded her.
And at that moment, she decided that person wasn’t you.
She exhaled deeply before turning, defeatedly walked back to her girlfriend in resignation. She’d fallen back into the arms that pulled her out of her own darkness. Dina (who’d been desperately calling your sister since you two left), Jesse, and the rest of her friends had nearly torn the back door off the hinges at how hard they pulled it open, loudly asking what the fuck was going on with you. Cat had hissed something at them all, but Ellie couldn’t hear anything over the loud pounding in her ears. She needed to lay down.
She’d slowly lifted her head up from her girlfriend’s shoulder and turned, accidentally meeting Dina’s eyes.
They were always so comforting. So gentle.
They made her think of your sister. Of you.
And now here she was. Sat on the edge of her girlfriend's bed with her customized electric and embroidered pic in hand. Almost two months later, and she’d made no effort to contact either of you. Your sister was loyal, and she was almost positive you hated her, so she didn’t push either of you to do anything.
But even then, she couldn’t get the crushing look of heartbreak in your eyes out of her mind. It ate at her.
There was no way in hell you had a crush on her.
Right? Right?
She was pulled from her thoughts by hands on her back, slowly sliding up her shoulders, soft and caressing, light kisses being pressed onto her neck. She shivered.
Cat had invited her to her parents’ vacation loft in Los Angeles for a week so that she could get a feel of the fast-paced lifestyle that only existed in the city. Her dad had feared letting her go to another state alone, but she was able to convince him with a surprise charcuterie board brunch for the two of them.
Joel had always been a wine mom.
She’d desperately needed a change of scenery after everything erupted, and her girlfriend wanted nothing more than to give her that. She had been having an enjoyable time, much to her surprise, throwing herself into any creative escape she could—playing guitar, going to karaoke with Cat and her drunk friends, painting, even producing (something that she fell in love with a year ago)—but she couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d been missing something.
She placed her pic and guitar on the mattress before turning her head to connect her lips with Cat as she wrapped her smaller hand around her throat to hold her still. Heat swirled in her belly as she whimpered, her girlfriend pushing her tongue past her lips to slide onto hers. Her girlfriend gently pushed her onto her back before swinging her left leg over to straddle her, reconnecting their lips in a heated kiss. Ellie grinded her hips up to meet Cat while she pushed down to meet hers, both girls letting out wanton moans into each other's mouths.
Cat tore at Ellie’s clothes and sensually kissed her way down her body until her head was between her trembling legs as she drew moan after whine after pant from the flushed, freckled girl’s mouth. She felt nothing but a hot, building feeling in the pit of her stomach before her peak slammed into her as her eyes rolled back and body trembled while she gripped the black sheets.
She came down from her euphoria as her girlfriend pressed gentle kisses all over her chest and face while she hit her girl’s nic that’d been discarded on the nightstand, exhaling the smoke.
Ellie was supposed to feel completely elated: this was all she’d ever wanted. All her little heart had dreamed of. But she couldn’t rid herself of the guilt festering in her stomach like roaches.
A strong, drowning guilt.
March came along, and you were slowly regaining your footing.
To say that these cold months were hard would be a grave understatement. You’d been having trouble eating and sleeping. Even if you did get an increment of shut eye, when you’d awoken, you wished you hadn’t as you gazed at the frost that had coated your bedroom window. Your violin case had been collecting dust in the corner of your room and you couldn’t even bring yourself to care.
Arya had become so concerned that she almost told your mother about your behavior before you pleadingly begged her not to. She reluctantly fell back, but she, as well as Kris and Starr, kept a close eye on you afterwards.
The only upside to your winter was that your sister began speaking to you again in January. Gentle how are you’s turned into i’m sorrys that turned into tear-riddled i love you so muchs, not knowing that you’d been praying that she would forgive you and your wrongs.
After the rough patch with your sister was stitched up, you began to manically memorize all six of Niccolò Paganini’s concertos, declining all your friend’s invites to hang out.
If your brain wanted to be your arch nemesis, fine, but you were at least going to try to fight back with the shrilling notes of Adagio.
One late night, your practicing had gotten so intense that your mother barged into your room practically begging you to lay the fuck down and go to sleep, with which you stubbornly replied sleep is for the weak! before starting the entire first concerto from the beginning… for the seventh time. You watched her shake her head before gently shutting the door. I turned my baby into a monster, she’d thought on the walk back to her bedroom.
You put your small remainder of energy into your math homework, into cleaning, into violin, hell, you’d even asked your sister if she could dig up her rusted, pink recorder from her multitude of stuffed boxes in her closet so you could learn and practice, which threw her for a whim. She said hell the fuck no.
Although you'd looked like you'd been hit by thirty oncoming buses for the entire month of February, your musical perception had been the best it's ever been. Every time you shut your eyes, your surroundings melted into the black and white lines from your sheet music, symphonic melodies drowning out the white noise in your head.
This was real joy; this was real love! —
“Bro, what the fuck are you smiling at? Kris was just telling us about how her cat predicted her grandma's death.”
You were quickly pulled from your colorful fantasy by Arya’s voice, crashing back down to your friends who were sitting at the small lunch table with you. They’d been looking at you like you lost your mind.
“OH, uh, I was just, um… thinking about this joke my sister told me this morning! It’s been on my mind all day,” you said with a sheepish laugh.
“Mhmm. What was the joke.” Starr said with a blank stare.
Dammit, uh! —
“Girl, we all know you’ve been going through it lately, but you’re going to have to get over this shit at some point,” Kris said, gently placing her hand on yours. “What you’re doing isn’t… healthy.”
You were immediately in defense-mode, straightening your back before your eyes hardened at your friend, snatching your hand back from underneath your friend's manicured hand, making her flinch.
“I thought I told y’all not to give me pity anymore, I’m fine, I’ve been fine this whole time actually,” you said, annoyed, “I just got distracted, it’s not that serious.”
“Calm the hell down,” Arya, just as irritated, cut in. “We’re not giving you a fucking pity party, we’re concerned, as we should be. You’ve been rippin’ and runnin’ since fucking New Years, sorry for actually caring about your well-being.”
Her scolding immediately made you remorseful as the angry crease in your eyebrows relaxed, your eyes softening.
Your eyes met Kris's even softer ones, reaching out for her hand that was left on the table, “‘m sorry, I didn’t mean to throw that… on you like that,” you said, embarrassed at your behavior.
“I’m… I’m sorry.”
Starr, who was seated next to you, threw her arm over your shoulder to pull you closer before planting a wet smooch on your forehead.
“Don’t apologize, you fuckin’ asshole,” she said with a cheesy grin. “Just stop going off on the people that wanna see you happy. We want what’s best for you because you deserve it. End of story.”
“You bitches are so corny, I swear to god.” Arya said with a fat eye roll, before getting up to lean over the table to kiss your cheek.
You loved them so bad, holy shit.
When you were at school, your sister received a phone call from Ellie.
She had been seated on the living room couch, munching on microwavable Kraft mac ‘n cheese while rewatching the seventh season of Bad Girls Club before her phone started vibrating on the table.
She almost declined it, but something in the back of her mind told her to swallow her pride and hear her out. Even if she was only given five minutes.
She put down her cup of mac, picked up her phone, and clicked the green button at the bottom of the screen before bringing it up to her ear.
It was silent for some seconds before a raspy voice that she missed so dearly rang through her head.
“Umm… hey. Are you busy right now?”
Your sister pulled into the mall complex that was ten minutes away from your house on Ellie’s orders of yeah i’ll be by the old Chik-Fil-A building just lmk when ur here and i’ll come 2 u. At first, she was skeptical that Ellie and her weird ass girlfriend were planning to jump her, but after Ellie explained that she worked full-time at the record shop in the complex and that she would be on break, she accepted.
She pulled into a parking spot before reaching for her phone and sending her a here, to which she replied with a comin.
She got out of her car before locking it, walking up and onto the sidewalk of the complex. She turned around at the call of her name, finally making eye contact with the girl that she would’ve never expected to fall out with.
She still looked cute, though. Good for her.
“…hey.” Ellie said
“What’s up.” your sister replied stoically.
“Nothin’, trying to make money,” she said with a soft laugh before gesturing behind your sibling to the mall bench. “We can sit if you wanna.”
“I’m good.”
She took a deep breath at the tone of her voice before softly replying “Okay… umm... how’ve you been doing?”
Your sister was starting to get aggravated with her friend’s…? Foe? She didn’t even know anymore… this girl’s attempt at small talk, so she cut it short.
“Ellie, why'd you call me out here.”
The girl paused, taken aback, “Are you really going to act like that right now?”
“Don’t try to question me right now! Where the fuck have you been?!”
“I should be asking you the same shit! You didn’t care enough to reach out to me either!” She said, voice raising with hers. Regular mallgoers were starting to look at the two of them crazy, but neither of them cared.
“Why the fuck would I reach out to you when all this shit is your fault! And before you try to fuckin’ lie, my sister told me everything!”
“Oh yeah? She told you everything? What the fuck did she say, then?”
“How you called her a little fuckin’ kid in front of your bitch ass girlfriend! —“
“Watch your fucking mouth!”
“FUCK YOU AND HER!” your sister screamed out, waving her arms around. Poor little Jimmy in the Spider-man onesie that was glued to his mom.
“THEN FUCK YOU TOO! I knew talking to your stubborn ass would be fucking pointless anyway!”
“I’m sure she’s gonna have a fuckin’ field day when she hears about how you’re acting right now,” your sister said with a scoff, referencing you.
“Fuckin’ tell her! Tell her how bad of a person I am, maybe it’ll fucking slap some sense into her,” she said viciously. Your sister dropped her purse and attempted to pounce on her best friend, before the mall security pulled up in a worn golf cart with a gruff hey! what’s the big idea?!
Both girls had been breathing heavily, faces inches away from each other, before your sister let out a harsh, shaky sigh, picking up her purse from the mall bench.
“You know she told me she was in love with you?” your sister said shakily. Ellie froze, eyes slightly softening, before she tensed up again, releasing a scoff.
“Oh my fucking god, you gotta be kidding me,” she said as she rubbed her hands down her face in exasperation. Both girls stood in silence before Ellie snapped.
“How many times do I have to say that it doesn’t… fucking matter. You’re both mad at me for calling her a fucking kid when she is a fucking kid! You really thought we would fucking… ride off into the sunset and be together, are you fucking serious?”
“Nobody’s saying that! —“
“I'm gonna have to escort you two off the premises if you don’t cut it out right now— “
The freckled girl quickly turned away and angrily stomped down the sidewalk and back into her work building.
Your sister stood there stunned, eyes sweltering, before the—fucking annoying— mall cop addressed her, “Ma’am, do you need me to call someone to come get you”—
“No.” she gritted out harshly before walking back to her car just as pissed.
The minute she slammed her car door shut, she broke.
She sobbed and sobbed hard, hitting her steering wheel since she couldn't get her hands on the person she wanted, making her horn accidentally honk! which scared the fuck out of this old lady walking with her grocery bags.
Your sister didn’t care. All she could do was sit there and pray that her ex-best friend would run up to her car, tear the door open, and hold her close like she used to when she was upset.
But Ellie never came, and it made your sister wail harder.
She'd lost one of the most important people in her life, and there was nothing she could do about it now.
After your sister regained control of her trembling hands, she pulled out of her parking spot and sped home.
You’d texted her earlier that one of your friends would drop you off because you were all getting ice cream, and she’d never been more grateful for someone having a car.
She pulled into the driveway and just sat there, thinking.
How the fuck did we get here, she thought. She wanted to light one up so fucking badly, but she would have to use her lighter that she left in her car for ‘emergencies’, as she called them.
She took a deep breath before opening her car door and walking onto the porch, unlocking the front door and going inside. Of course the universe, once again, had to prove its hatred for her: one of the first pictures on the glass decorative table had been one of her, all her friends, and you at her thirteenth birthday, her and Ellie in the middle hugging each other as hard as their small frames would allow.
It was silent.
Nobody was home.
And she allowed herself to break down with her back pressed against the front door.
You had a surprisingly good day!
Despite the small hiccup with your friends at the lunch table, you all committed to your usual after-school routine: eating your weight in Ben and Jerry’s! Of course, all three of you ended up jumping on Kris for wasting six dollars on a pint of vanilla ice cream, to which she defended the ‘most versatile and rich flavor! cry about it!’
After Arya dropped you off with a catcall and a scream of see ya tomorrow, sexy! you, with hands full of half-empty pints of Cherry Sangria, walked inside to find your sister laid out on the couch in a fetal position with a throw blanket over her, snoring gently. Her poor back!
You kicked your shoes off before jogging to the kitchen to put the pints into the freezer and head right back to the couch, gently coaxing your sister awake.
However, the more you looked at her face, the more you saw the distress, the dried tears, the photograph from her thirteenth clutched in her arms. You immediately began to worry when she stayed asleep.
You called out her name a little louder before she jolted awake, and as soon as she saw the concerned look on your face, she broke again. You barely had a chance to react before she sat up to throw her arms around you, sobbing into your neck. Your sister may have gotten emotional in front of you occasionally, but it was never like this. She could barely talk, and it scared you.
“What happened? Where's Ellie? Is she okay?” you asked frantically.
“S…she… I think she hates me now.” she barely whimpered out.
“Okay, just try to breathe, tell me what happened,” you said as calmly as you could, even though your heart was racing in your chest.
And she told you everything.
You had never been angrier in your life.
Your feelings were definitely hurt after your sister spilled the gory details of today, and you were sad after listening about what your sister had to endure alone, but you were so, so fucking heated.
After getting your sister tucked into bed, you immediately ran back downstairs the minute you heard her snore to put your shoes on and stomp down the road to the dreaded house. Ellie could be mad all she wanted, but making your sister cry was enough to make you see red.
The walk had been short and frantic and the second you reached the Miller porch; you banged on the door with all you had. Sorry, Joel.
Much to your… you didn’t even know what you felt when you saw Ellie (she had on sleep shorts and her strong arms and tattoo were exposed and oh god, stay fucking focused) open the door, but she immediately started pressing you about your disturbance.
“Dude what the fuck. Why are you knocking like you're a fucking cop?!”
“Where’s your dad?”
“…sleeping, why?”
“Get the hell out here! Right now, c’mon!” you said as aggressively as you muster. You didn't want to walk that sweet man up with your fussing.
Ellie was obviously shocked at your tone, but she came onto the porch anyway with a steady glare in her eyes. You held your own.
“Why did you yell at my sister today? Have you… fried all your fucking braincells or something? —
“First of fucking all, she yelled at me first, so don’t try it! Don’t try to act like you're so innocent and holier than thou either, this is just as much your fault as everyone else’s!”
“How is this my fault?!”
“Ask your sister! Or did she leave the ‘how obsessed you are with me’ part out?”
Pull it together, hold it hold it— You took a shuddering, but deep, breath.
“I’m not obsessed with you Ellie! Do you think I wanted any of this to happen, I couldn't help how I felt! It doesn’t excuse the fact that you took it out on her when all she ever did was care about you!”
She scoffed before running an agitated palm down her face before she dropped an unexpected bomb on you.
“I’m moving to Cali next month.”
And your mouth and throat never felt so dry.
“Don’t act like you care now. All you two wanted to do was blame me. It’s all my fault, right?” she pressed. You’d never felt so cornered. “Right?!” she repeated louder, making you flinch.
“Don’t fucking worry, neither of you have to see me again after this.”
“E…Ellie— “
“Fuck both of you honestly,” she said, and that was the final nail in your coffin. You could be buried right here if you wanted. Right at her feet where she crushed your heart.
She bumped your shoulder before going back inside, slamming the front door shut so hard, wind blew past you. You hated how you cried harder at the familiar, formerly comforting scent of pine.
You gasped out a breath… and gasped again and againandagain—
You couldn’t breathe or see, and your hand was grasping at your chest with the attempts of getting your heart to stop completely. You bent over to try to regain your breath, but it didn’t work, everything you learned was failing.
You stumbled off the cursed porch and teetered back onto the sidewalk but oh god you couldn’t think—
An all too familiar voice gasped your name, making you cry and gasp harder.
Dina. You heard her run up to you before putting a gentle hand on your back to help you straighten.
“Oh my god, shhhhh, c’mon honey, let’s get you back home okay?” she sounded so worried, and you felt a wave of guilt wash over you. Why do you keep doing this to people you care about?
Two weeks had passed since that night.
After Dina brought you back to your home, taking the key from your pocket and unlocking the door, your sister and her made eye contact for the first time in months.
Your sister had awoken to get some water to soothe her dry throat, grabbing her filled glass to sit on the couch and scroll through Twitter.
She almost shat herself when the front doorknob started jiggling. She damn near shattered her filled glass on the coffee table in front of her, slamming it down to stand and grab the metal baseball bat that your mother always had near the front door.
She hadn't moved fast enough, though, because the door shot open, revealing a pajama-clad Dina, guiding a panic-ridden you into the house.
Your sister was shocked at first, but the second she saw your tear-soaked face gasping for air, she instantly went into protective mode, rushing over to help you with your breathing exercises. Dina hadn’t moved to speak, but she wasn’t leaving, either: she wanted to ensure that you came down safely.
Neither Ellie, nor your sister, had told any of their friends about their turmoil, but they sensed something was off when they hadn’t seen the two of them in the same room together in a while. They never pressed out of respect for both girls, but to say that it hadn’t bothered them was simply untrue.
Once you came down, your sister mumbled a quiet thank you, to Dina, to which she replied with a gentle of course, honey, thick brows pulled down in concern, her own eyes glossy. Your sister walked her out with a grateful nod after taking you to your room to lay down.
This was the numbest you’d ever felt in your life. You hadn’t even cried since that night. You just…sat and looked. Looked and sat.
You had been spending the first few days of your Spring Break in your room with headphones in your ears, Rondo ringing in your ears. Niccolò, you sly dog. Your friends asked you if you wanted to go camping with them and their families, but you politely declined. You couldn’t fathom moving or talking or breathing. So you sat.
You had made some tough decisions, though. You were somewhat proud of yourself.
You, as well as your sister and then your mom (your sister hacked her Facebook, she didn’t notice), had blocked Ellie on everything.
No more grungy Instagram posts on your feeds, no more hotbox Snapchat stories, no more guitar-playing videos from IMessage. No more Ellie to plague your mind anymore.
You were so numb.
During early April, you and your sister drove by a U-Haul truck parked in front of the Miller residence after she picked you up from your violin lesson. Joel, Ellie, Dina, Jesse, and Cat were all outside on the lawn, goofing off as they carried boxes from the house and into the semi-loaded truck. You and your sister kept your gazes forward, eyes burning holes in the pavement under her car wheels.
Although neither of you said it, Ellie hugging Joel while he lifted her off the sidewalk was the last memory you and your sister had of her.
You were so, so numb.
A/N: yall ab to be like omg noooo don’t do thiss😦😦 girl i did it🤭🤭
praying i proofread enough please god like
but uhhhh yeah it might take a minute for the next part so pls be patient w me😗 but i’ve also been writing pretty quick so we’ll see ig but yeah writing sad shit 24/7 is hard but i love it so who cares :O anyway we’re about to get into the real tea next chap esp. w ellie :O i already started the outline and it’s already looking crazy just a warning😳 okay bye love uuuuu if you read this
context ⋮⋮ you n ellie are on a patrol together after weeks of tension. you never had any issues when it came to interacting with her, she always seemed to be in her own world of her interests n such. you dropped sly hints on ellie throughout the patrol, ones she was or was pretending to be oblivious to. after getting barricaded into a building to distance from runners, you tend to some of ellies wounds. normal. protocol. until you decide youve been fed up with waiting.
content tags ⋮⋮ confident!reader , loser!ellie , going on patrol together , awkward lesbian ellie
content warnings ⋮⋮ mentions of blood/gore
word count ⋮⋮ 1.7k
additional info ⋮⋮ all fluff. only slight touches n awkward kissing :—b also i absolutely hate this but i need smth to post sobs
another boom rippled the air, followed by the metallic clink of steel. a bullet met clean with a stray runner, its skin sunken and bloody as it fell. down. air from ellies nose fanned out as she reloaded her rifle n peered back into the scope. 3 bodies laid flat on the road, sizeable dents in their faces where they were shot.
they were stragglers that jumped on you n ellie after opening a specifically stubborn door. the building was a run down piece of crap that sent off a shockwave of old wood, a damn dinnerbell alerting the small herd.
you’d both make haste when they closed in, moving tight-knit n low. boots slapping pavement. a shot, a switchblade snapping open. some bloody squelch as the blade met rotting flesh. a rushed slam as you made your way into a rundown shop n barricaded yourselves in.
totally trapped. you regained your breath with your hands on your knees. this was the closest youve been whole patrol, n since that party a week ago. “party” fell flat in your head, n you recoiled at how wrong it felt on your tongue. it was a night. one that began intimate n then ended with a heated exchange as a bigot broke the two of you off. irritation boiled beneath your skin at the reminder. ever since though, ellies closed herself off. sealed not to anyone else—just maybe joel, and especially you.
disappearing whenever you were so much as in the same room as her like even your existence burdened her. no further explanation about what happened that night. no proof that it really happened. that she meant it, that it wasnt a big lie. it made your head spin with the brewing need for answers, coiling tight in your muscles in a way that stretched the longer the days dragged on. it was a miracle the two of you were slapped into this patrol together. something maria was definitely pulling the strings of. you went into it on the high of finally having some contact, maybe some clarity if you were lucky. your small n aching hope was stomped out early on when you noted that ellie was still in fact ignoring you. diverting her attention, muttering under her breath, squeamish when you inched too close. it made your need flare even more, an inferno eating your gut thats been raging on for this entire torturous week.
ellie was perched beneath the open window on the top floor now, a yawn of light illuminating the abandoned building n her outline. her worn boots scuffed the wood underneath as she readjusted her position, grip on the rifle loosening just a smidge.
“ts’ gone.”
she’d mutter, getting up with a grunt. you’d been ransacking for supplies while she cleared the road, even as your attention flicked in her direction every now n then. the place was long picked clean but you still managed to scrounge a rag n some measly pistol ammo.
“nice shooting.” you’d say cus you knew ellie loved the praise no matter how much she stiffened. you waited till she was done her little nervous reaction of scratching the hair on her back neck, noticing the cuts there before speaking again. “c’mere. lemme patch you up.”
cool glass met your skin as you pulled out a bottle of alcohol, other hand occupied with the rag you foraged. you sat down on a crate nearby n patted your knee to beckon her over.
she inclined as expected. small steps towards you with her head dipped low like the ground was gonna collapse any second. your brow perched. ellie knelt down so she was in front of you, knee bent with her shoulders loose.
a pop sounded out as you unscrewed the lid of the bottle. you found yourself tracking ellies features. all spent after that run out, small cuts along her knuckles n face. trying so hard to play it cool while she sat rigid in front of you.
“tired?”
you’d ask all sweet, pressing the rag against the bottle while the alcohol wet it. ellie flicked her eyes your way, then back to her fidgety hands. now she has to respond, right? a sheepish grin tickled her face.
“joel found m another comic.” she’d shrug with a shoulder, “stayed up readin’.”
“figured so.” you’d hum in response. you didnt realise truly how much you missed hearing her voice, even if it was about her comics.
smiling to yourself, you twisted the lid back on the bottle n shifted your weight back to ellie. “stay still for me. might sting.”
your heart began pounding as you held ellies knuckles in your palm. damn you.
her skin felt hardened. not exactly like leather, just tired with callouses from years of surviving. the damp rag cooled your free palm as your eyes remained anchored on the girl sitting down from you. her body steady, shoulders squared. when the rag met her battered knuckles in a tentative stroke, she’d hiss and twitch her fingers.
“sorry.” she’d mutter with scowl on her face, relaxing her hands with a bite of her cheek. poor thing. the need thats been bubbling in your sternum for this past week n this whole agonising patrol lit up your veins. it was torture having to be here, watch her, breathe the same air as her without being able to press on the bruise you’ve been meaning to address. pulled taut by hunger, you bought her knuckles up to your lips n pressed a little kiss where it stung. lips hovering over her bruises. ellie froze. you looked up n met her eyes. blown wide like a shocked deer.
she breathed on a shaky exhale. you relished in how easy you broke down the act she was trying, n failing to keep up so bad.
you swiped your thumb over her knuckles. “‘tskay. lemme finish up.”
another dab of the alcohol-drenched rag met the cuts on her skin. feather-light. ellie pressed her lips together at that. after a pause, you let the rag rub her skin more fully. small swipes along the beaten groves of her fists.
“doing so good.” you’d murmur, running the rag along her skin. the cloth turned redder with each dab, soaking up the blood n leaving behind shallow cuts. “nearly done.”
you’d wondered what ellie was thinking—this geeky girl who stayed cooped up in her flat when she wasnt out patrolling. drowning away in whatever video game or comic was newly lining her shelf.
the last of the blood dappled off. ellies lips were parted as you slipped your hands off hers. scarcely, just the tips of your fingers teasing one another like an afterthought.
“still sting?” you asked in a voice no louder than a whisper. ellies throat bobbed. you tracked it immediately n had the thought of grazing the line of her neck. her being nervous just made you excited like that. wanted to make her squirm.
ellie nodded then, recollected enough for that dip of her head. it was cute how she hyped herself up just to talk to you. “hey. about after that night, i didnt mean to - fuck. i ….” her voice ended on a crack as your fingers rubbed gentle patterns into her knuckles. massaging the torn skin there. “jesus- quit scarin’ me like that.”
that made your lip curl. “nothin’ to be scared of.” you’d declare, peeking up at ellie through your lashes. playing all innocent like you weren’t toying with her this whole time.
before ellie had the chance to snark n play it off, you tugged at ellies wrist n pulled her towards you. a gentle tug that saddled her flush against your legs, blinking up at you with searching eyes. like she was worshipping an alter n waiting on a divine answer. it made your ribs flutter, a thrill that twisted your scheming smile n fed your anticipation.
looking at her now, you could see how pent up she was, practically panting. you could feel ellies rapid heartbeat on your knee where her chest was. your hands grazed along her shoulder, skimming along intoxicatingly slow. ellie leaned in. eyes fluttering closed. fuck.
when she was like this—all smitten n desperate—you couldnt help n accept the want that had been stirring violently in your tummy. your hand ventured up to meet with the warmth at her cheeks. tinged pink.
that rosy bloom tinting her face there compelled you to hold her chin and tilt it up as you leaned in. drawing closer to the warmth radiating there. your lips touched. not kissing. soft. barely there. skimming along a boundary.
ellie pushed herself up on her knees with a hitch of her breath, pressing in so your lips could meet. her palms travelled up your hips n held the skin there like an anchor. there was a slight hiccup of reeling n receding to find the right rhythm in the newness of it all, shy touches that held question while your hearts raced in sync. ellie leaned further up so she could have a closer angle as a hand splayed over your sternum to ground herself. you giggled into her mouth.
ellie faltered. dont stop. she was pulling away just an inch so your foreheads were still connected. attentive sage eyes assessing yours. “hey. this ok?” she’d breathe so it tickled your neck, voice so soft it sent a warm buzz under your skin.
you nodded, holding her eyes with a sweet smile. the honesty of it settled, a confirmation set in place before you spoke up again with a cheeky edge. “i wouldnt have teased you so much if not, which also… took you long enough to catch on.” a snicker left you when ellie blinked. she shook her head n tried to school her reddening face into something that passed as neutral. it didnt.
“wasnt that obvious…” she’d stammer, wiping her clammy palms over her thighs. you fought the urge to shake her by the collar as you relayed back to the several hints dropped throughout patrol. a needy squeeze of the hand. a look you held for too long. hovering beside her in a way that felt magnetic. you leaned in n caught her lips again at the aching memory, a slight peck of skin that made ellie jump to make up for those lost moments.
━╋ ׄ 𓈒 read this before any interactions with me or my posts
ɪ 𝄃𝄃𝄂 ﹡ this blog is a safe space. absolutely no discrimination, harassment or bigotry will be tolerated n u will be immediately blocked. this includes bullying moots n people on my page as well as being in support of the following; israel (the idf), ice, trump, transmedicalist/terf ideology, generative ai, non-inclusivity n exclusion of certain queer people (e.g neopronouns, xenogenders, fluid identities, “contradictory” identities, alterhumans, any1 on the aroace spectrum, intersex people), anti-recovery / dismissing mental illnesses, anti-bipoc and just plain racism, ableism, homophobia, etc. as well as any more that subject others to harm or oppresses them.
ɪɪ 𝄃𝄃𝄂 ﹡ im a person behind the screen. dont be an ass i have my own personal life and things can get busy or messy, this is a blog i made to be my authentic self online,, im not a machine that can constantly post nor am i an idol to be worshipped. treat my content and i accordingly. i block freely if i suspect anything out of line or if you go against my rules n dni criteria.
ɪɪɪ 𝄃𝄃𝄂 ﹡ no nsfw content. this involves videos n photos. jokes and talk is okay as long as it doesnt cross a line and your not an adult talking to a minor. this is a blog made by a minor mostly for other minors. -15 and over +21 dni.
germansingergirl
vaporwave
2087
