open diary

[su-roor-deactivated20150723]

Stop thinking about everything so much, you’re breaking your own heart.

[elysiansoul]

i try so hard yet i still can't

[elysiansoul]

Ernest Hemingway: Write drunk, edit sober.

Me, a dumbass: Write while sleep deprived and heavily caffeinated at two am, no editing we die like men.

[elysiansoul]

service

Lost Lost in a sea of deep waters In a sea of monsters and mayhem And it's dark Darker than ever before But in the emptiness There's a hand A hand willing to pull you up Up where all the light is Up where you belong You are a light; rise up Rise for the community Rise for the society Everyone For everyone around you Willing to pull you up Serve; lingkod Serve the nation Find yourself in The service of others And do not stop Do not stop because It needs you We need you I need you You are not lost; Ituloy mo lang ang pag-agos

[elysiansoul]

My 2016 in photos

It was hard to sum up one month in just one photo - I never realized that so much can happen in a span of a month. I had a hard time choosing 12, and just 12, photos to represent the year, but here they are - the highlights of my 2016 in photos.

January - Y2G CALABARZON

February - Global Youth Summit

March - a team meeting

April - last exchange program orientation for the term

May - Bantay Halalan election coverage

June - Alna’s 18th

July - Rappler’s ThinkPH conference

August - first department meeting

September - Global Village

October - in Brgy. Kinabuhayan, Dolores, Quezon

November - my 18th 

December - trip to the Nook Café, a harry potter-themed café

Thank you, 2016!

not all photos are mine. some are grabbed from friends :)

[elysiansoul]

Ending 2016

I always wondered how it was possible to have something as beautiful and ugly at the same time, but after 2016, here I am, stronger and better than ever. The year 2016 taught me a lot of things. It was my best and worst year altogether. There were lots of new doors opened, and also opportunities which have gone to waste.

I entered the year quite simply - prepped up for the new semester ad all the things that came with it. I was a little scared because there were a lot of new things waiting for me, like a 21-unit semester with STAT 1 (I dread math) and org work for AIESEC. When I look at it now, it kind of feels weird that during the first part of 2016, I was still a newie in AIESEC, with no idea how anything at all really works in the org.

I turned 18. I have attended my first conferences, the Youth-to-Government forum and the Global Youth Summit, volunteered for our college's media coverage of the national elections, and they were really great learning opportunities I never imagined would come for me. I also gained a lot of new friends (mainly because my old friends weren't in the same classes as me huhu) which I consider one of the highlights of the year. I got to go to different places (Batangas, Bay, Quezon) for work for my courses, and even though they were required, I felt the enjoyment of working with people to help their lives be better.

Perhaps the most valuable thing that came for me in 2016 was that I got accepted as the Director for Exchange Programs in the org. I never really thought about applying before, I just saw the post for applications and sent it mine. I remember feeling really nervous before my interview, and a few hours before the announcement of results, I even thought to myself, "I wonder how they are going to tell an applicant (i.e. myself) that s/he did not get accepted for the role" because I was so sure that I failed and someone's better than me. However I think I got the shock of my life when I received instead an acceptance email. All was worth it.

There were a lot of times when I thought that I want to quit everything - I felt like I was failing all my courses and I felt like resigning from my role. The last six months of 2016 surely got the best of me. I literally felt like swimming in a pool of my tears. There was so much pressure in my role in the org - and it was my first time to do something this big, and so, so much to do for my courses. Everything kind of killed me in the process, but, not totally. I realized that the best part of surviving something like this is when you look back at everything and you just feel satisfaction. It makes you thank yourself and all the people around you for not easily giving up and staying  so strong to get over things. When I look back, I can see all the mistakes and shortcomings that I had which I feel sorry for, however, I can also see what I learned and how much I have grown through all of those things. In the end, it's all still beautiful.

My biggest heartbreak for 2016 would probably be BTS Epilogue: Live in Manila concert last July 30. Although their concert in my country was something I have been preparing for for months, I didn't make it. I wasn't able to watch because the tickets were sold out so fast. I did everything I can, but nah, still didn't work out in the end. I felt really sad that day. People might not know this but BTS has a big share of my heart. I'm not actually sure why, but I just love them so much and they make me happy whenever I feel down. It felt bad, but I tried to see the good out of it, because you see, I really believe that for every missed opportunity, there's always something bigger and better for me.

Whatever 2016 did to me, I am thankful because there was so much I have realized. I didn't make any resolutions for this year 2017 because I know I would still be this quiet, lazy-ass person that I am. Whatever 2017 is gonna throw at me, my basket's ready to catch them all and just do my best for everything.

Finally, this was a bad photo (cue in Lucy: "it's very Narnian-looking, isn't it?") I took at the National Museum. I wasn't able to get the title of the piece and the name of the artist, however this was the most beautiful picture for me. I have always loved looking at water, and looking at the picture felt so real, that that ship is my life, it's an adventure I am willing to take however bad the weather gets.

[elysiansoul]

Why do I have to stay when everyone else is leaving anyway?

[elysiansoul]

The pain you’re experiencing right now is temporary, it’s gonna be over in a few days, months, and years. It will subside, and you will forget how hard it felt. It might be the only thing that matters the most right now, but time is fast, it doesn’t stop at what is now, and so do you. You dance with time and let yourself go past the moments. 

So go tell yourself, you’re gonna make it, you’re gonna make it. Cry the pain out, don’t let it devour you. You don’t have to tell people if you don’t want to. But pull yourself up because you can. You are strong and brave. And I promise you, this heartbreak will end and then you’ll be off to greater heights. 

Every second is a chance, come, take it. It’s a painful day, grieve. It’s another day, the world is still yours, rise, my lady. 

[bookmania]

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.

Helen Keller (via bookmania)

[elysiansoul]

A Eulogy for Myself

           Contrary to how she saw her life and existence in general, she always thought her name was something special; God’s gracious gift, a blissful realm.  She never told this to anyone, but she was thankful that her mom didn’t name her ‘Katrina’, as was originally planned. Her name was merely derived from a book of baby names, Jenica and Elysia put together because some n years ago, not much people were named using those names.

           She was both right and wrong. Yes, her name was indeed special, and no, her life isn’t the opposite of it. All life lived is worthwhile. Long or short, from any perspective, there are still people on whom she has created an impact to, she just didn’t know because they never told her. She has inspired people to move – do whatever righteous thing they dreamt of doing without any restrictions, and be better versions of their selves. It is one thing she always wanted to do, and she did it.

           It was always the smallest of things that affected her the most. It made her happy when she gets a perfect score on a quiz she just guessed, or just by watching random nonsense on YouTube. She would either laugh out loud at jokes or roll her eyes at them, there’s no in between. The life she lived was simple, while she ensured that people around her were happy. It felt better for her that way, without all the drama in life she didn’t need. It was just like how she was as a person, calm and chill.

           When she was younger, she was afraid of changes. Even moving schools was very difficult for her to accept back then. But since it was inevitable, she learned to cope, and in the end, things turned out better. If there’s one thing she learned from these kinds of experiences, it’s that things always, always happen for a reason - moving schools, joining organizations, shifting jobs, and moving homes. There are times when things felt like they’re reachable, but they turn out to be farther than expected. It was fine, it’s how life’s supposed to go, she always said.

She never wanted any attention all to herself, she never wanted all the eyes to stare at her direction for more than a minute. Instead, she wanted otherwise. If she were to witness all of this, she’d certainly freak out internally. But of course, she’d also love the fact that there are people gathered to remember what she’s left of this world.

           Now, perhaps most of the people here today knew Jen as a woman of few words – literally. She always appreciated being with the company of herself at most times. People would even ask if she’s okay like that, and yes, she just loved to ponder things on her own and see the world by herself. But at the same time, she valued her relationship with her family, especially her mom and her brother who were her best-est best friends, and her other friends like the wind, something that would always be there wherever she was, and hopefully, even now, in the place where she went, wherever that may be.

           Perhaps one of the greatest achievements of her life that she would acknowledge would be getting into UP and getting out of UP very much alive. The entire four years she’s in the university has created a big chunk of how she developed as a person. She entered college without a clue on what she’s doing with her life, and well, came out with a slight clue. University helped her ‘grow up’ in different levels.

           They say that you only experience the ‘real world’ once you get out of college. But she’d disagree to that. She’d always think that everything that happens in a person’s life at any stage is real world material. When she got her first job, no doubt it was different from what she was accustomed to, but that’s only part of the real world she’s moving in since day 1. It felt good for her though, finally having a job and all, it felt like all the learnings were finally coming to life.

            When she was 17, she came across this show where people did this country hopping adventure in Europe. It seemed really fun, the people seemed to be enjoying a lot. So a few years after graduation from the university, she set out to see the places miles and miles away from home. It’s an awesome adventure while creating an impact to society altogether. That’s when she realized what her classmates in elementary school used to say. Everyone in her class back then used to say they just wanted to be successful and then travel the world. If she’d go back to that time, she’d also say that, instead of aspiring to become a pastry chef, which she just pulled out of nowhere.  

        To all the children and grown-ups she encountered in the communities she visited while doing development communication work, she’s thankful on a level greater than all the thank you’s she blurted out before she left. She’s thankful for giving her the opportunity to help people who needed to be heard. It’s a symbiotic relationship for her, that of devcom practitioners and stakeholders, that is. At the end of the day, both parties have gained something relevant, a learning perhaps. They’re not the same people they were when they woke up at 7am that day and when they finished work at 5pm. They work to be better versions of each of them, intentionally or unintentionally.

           Finally, finally. It’s the end of a literary piece, this eulogy, and the end of a life. She used to embrace the concept of youth, always being the youngest one in age in a group of people. Everything used to be possible, there’s always another opportunity after a missed one, that’s how she saw life. Nothing could ever go so perfectly, but with who she has become, it was more than enough already. What did she feel during her final moment? No one would know. But surely for the last time, she let herself go.

xxxxx

This was actually an exercise for a major class. I just thought I’d post it here.

[elysiansoul]

I want people to know me, but if anyone could look inside of me, if they saw that everything I feel is not what it’s supposed to be, I don’t know what would happen.

Laurel, Love Letters to the Dead

[elysiansoul]

The Sea

I sat among the grains of sand that lay aimlessly,

and I wondered if my life was heading the right direction.

I let the small waves touch the tips of my toes,

and I wondered if what I’m doing is enough.

I feel the wind blow my hair away from my face,

and I wondered if I can still set things right. 

I listen to the silent hymn of the waters,

and I wondered if someone out there hears my cries.

I am helplessly lost in the abyss of the maze called life, wandering, wondering, if I am walking towards a better place, if I can ever find the answers to the mysteries of the maze, if I can ever walk out of it with a passion and a purpose. 

But as I gaze across the blue sea, and fill myself with the beauty of the waters, I felt serenity. 

And I know, I just know, 

I am living a good life. 

[elysiansoul]

My heart shatters every time I see people my age achieve heights of accomplishments. I ask myself, “Can I ever be like them?”, and I immediately know the answer. No. All I see is a strong, outer shell who’s trying to be something else, but will never be because it’s just hollow on the inside. I see my friends go on adventures and experiences I know I will never have. I know I shouldn’t try to be someone I’m not and compare myself to others because I am myself, but things simply don’t work that way. People always tell you to just believe in your dreams and you’ll achieve what you want. But what if there’s nothing to keep you holding on? I have no passion for anything, that’s why I am more lost than anyone who is trying figure out their way in a labyrinth. I’m just trying my best on the one thing I do for now: college, studying. But I know it can’t take me places because high grades won’t measure what I’m truly capable of. They’re a shallow basis for judgment, yet they’re the only one I rely on for my future. I don’t know exactly how I ended up in this hole in life, but I’m not sure if I can even bring myself up again. I may be doing my best right now, but it would always still be mediocre. I may seem like I have something to offer, but it always ends up being disappointing. I may even be the last person standing, yet no one would still remember.  

Help me. 

[elysiansoul]

Senses

As I look into you, my eyes can see every fraction of yourself. 

They can see every tattered and missing piece of your soul that you keep trying to hide;

They can see how delicate and fragile your heart is right now;

They can see how you act oh-so-strong on the outside; and

They can see beneath the layers of the masks you use to cover your reality. 

As I listen to your voice, my ears can hear your muffled sobs.

They can hear how you hide those screams that you wanted everyone to hear;

They can hear the melancholic stories you conceal underneath your laughs; and

They can hear the adventures you seek to pursue.

And as I speak to you, my mouth only conveys the sincerity of the love I have for you. 

Because even if I can see into myself deeply, I think no one can ever understand me as much as I understand you.

Believe me that I understand you more than you’ll ever know. I only want the best for you, 

let me give it to you. 

Don’t push me away,

let me be there for you. 

[elysiansoul]

If there’s one thing that I learned from UP from the almost two years I’ve been there, it’s that I’m better than what I think of myself. There have been a lot of instances lately when I just suddenly know the answer to a prof’s question, or that my answer was the correct one compared to my groupmates’.

But there’s a catch. I don’t believe myself enough to trust that I got it correctly. I’m too afraid of taking risks and too scared of all the what ifs. And somehow, I don’t feel any regret. But I’m slowly trying to think of myself as a person who is more capable of many things, slowly trying to delete my previous self-image of a girl without anything to prove her worth. 

[elysiansoul]

Love?

Why do people make it seem like everything in life is just being about in a romantic relationship? Life is about love. It’s about being surrounded by people who matter, people who care about you. And I mean it, people, not just a single person. 

Life should revolve around love. I think that in one way or another, all of us has a family, friends, teachers, neighbors, classmates, and many other people who love us. Not just romantically, because there are different kinds of love that are in places we never expect. And vice versa, we do love them as well. We just hate to admit it sometimes because it might feel awkward, but it should never be. If you love the people around you, don’t hesitate to show them just that. With love within yourself, you become a decent human being. 

If you devote your life to just searching for that one person you hope to end up with for the rest of your life, then I think you’re living life the wrong way. You’re too young for all of that, because I really believe that the right time will come to you for that. You’re wasting your time on searching for people who belong to the future, so you end up neglecting the people from the present. 

Believe me when I say that you’re never ever going to be alone. There are too many people in this world to love. Well technically, yes, you can be alone if you choose to be, but I hope you never choose to be lonely. 

[elysiansoul]

An Open Letter

What I want you to know is that even if I am not very vocal, my mind screams all the different stories I want you to hear. 

I do appreciate your concern for me, because I see that you really try to look deeper into me, beyond all the walls I put up around myself. I want to thank you for that, thank you because you always see to it that I don’t just listen to all your stories, you lend me your ears and push me to speak my mind. 

But I’m sorry, because I will always be this selfless person who would just be there to hear what people have to say, and would not, by any chance, open her mouth and speak up. I told you I never wanted the attention. I do not want people to look at me with eyes filled with pity or grief for me, because I’m pretty much sure that’s how my stories would look like, and those reactions are inevitable. You would just end up comparing yourself to me, which is what I want to avoid. Comparing yourself to others cannot measure your self-worth, can it? We walk different paths, and I hope you focus on yours, not mine.

Please do not be scared of me because I only want to listen. Please do not try to read me. And most of all, please do not wait for the time that I will be ready to open up to you, because I really don’t think that time is soon, or if it will ever come. I’m afraid of judgments. I’m afraid that you will think of me differently because of what I have to say. 

You told me that one day, I would have to finally talk to you because I can’t keep all the burden inside of me, that one day, I would suddenly explode like a raging volcano. But I think you’re wrong. I think I’ve already burst more times than I can imagine. And to tell you, crying alone feels nice, telling yourself that it’s fine feels nice, and picking up yourself from the ground feels nice as well. 

I think I am the living proof of how it is like to be an introvert. Or maybe I’m even more than that. It’s great, really. I know how most people think it’s better to have someone to lean on, and you do believe in that too, so I’m sorry again because I chose to live inside my pool of mysteries. 

Thank you for always noticing this girl with low presence. Thank you for looking at her even if she always hides herself. You told me you are just one call away. Don’t worry, I’ll keep that in mind. 

From the depths of her heart,

Jen  

[lolbtsaus]

Father!Jimin

Now it’s time for ½ of the Busan princes, Park Jimin and the adventures of the Parks

Father of one, a lil girl

The most precious chubby cheeked, puppy dog eyed, pouty lipped angel

Basically is a girl version of him in a really small form 

He totally cries when she’s born

Like when he first holds her, he realizes “oh my god, she’s real” and he’d waited so long for her to be here and now she was finally in his arms and he was just so happy

He spent the first night in the hospital holding her while you slept, sitting by the window and pointing out all the things he saw to her bc she was sleeping just as peacefully as you were

He l o v e s kissing her

Anywhere, her cheeks, forehead, her lil nose, her hands

He never actually puts her down and she grows used to the feeling of her father’s arms around her and it’s really hard to convince him to put her down bc “I just got her, you held her for nine months now it’s my turn”

He’s s o in love with her

If his actions towards her weren’t enough, the look of love and adoration in his eyes gives it away

He stares at her like she’s his whole world and she stares at him with a sense of wonder and it’s actually really precious

When she first starts figuring out how to stand up, he’s right behind her with his hands hovering around her in case she falls bc he’s not about to let his angel get hurt nope

Her first word is undoubtedly “appa” and he just smiles so wide and he brags about it to everyone, especially Tae bc “did you hear that? I’m appa, she’s saying appa, did you hear it?”

He lets her get away with basically everything

Like she can play with his hair, she can squish his cheeks, she can tug on his necklace, anything she wants bc the look of fascination on her face is enough for him to completely melt

She also loves playing with his hands

She likes sitting in his lap and just toying with his fingers and her hand is so lil next to his and his are so warm

C U D D L E S

So much cuddling

Whether she’s a few months old or a few years, she’s in his arms every night for at least an hour and it feels weird to both of them when they don’t have their daily cuddles

Like he goes away on tour when she’s three and it’s his first time away from her and he doesn’t like it at all

They Skype each other every night and he always breaks into the widest smile when your faces appear on the screen and he’s immediately asking if his two girls are doing okay

She’s talking at that point and tells him about her day and she never fails to add in a “I miss you, appa, when do you come back?”

And he always tells her how many days are left and he sees her smile fall bc she was hoping he’d say he’s coming back tomorrow 

He’s immediately doing everything he has to in order to get her smiling again

Like “look, appa can make a weird face” and “angel, smile for appa, he wants to see your dimples” and “what if I go get uncle Hoseok and we dance your favorite girl group dances for you?”

Okay but you know how chim has this really soft speaking voice like it’s gentle and sweet, well imagine that only in a lil bby form

No one can resist her lil voice like she just says “please?” in her soft voice that reminds everyone of chim and she immediately has whatever she wants

We all know Yoongi has a bit of a soft spot for Chim but he’s even more of a sucker for a lil Park

Whenever chim is recording his parts for the album, she’s just chilling in yoon’s lap and playing with his scarf

Jimin sings to her every night

He’s always the one to put her to bed bc he’s the only one who knows how

He sits on her bed with her and she just lays her head in his lap and he rubs her back and plays with her hair while he sings her favorite song

Sometimes that isn’t enough and she needs the sound of his heartbeat to fall asleep to so he has to lay down with her and let her rest her head just above his heart

He normally ends up falling asleep with her when that happens bc he always stays behind a few minutes after she falls asleep just to make sure that she’s actually asleep and doesn’t need him to continue

She’s the sweetest, politest lil girl

She’s so grateful for everything and he feels so proud bc that’s his angel

She follows him around like a lil puppy and it’s honestly really cute bc every now and again, he looks back to make sure she’s still there and she’s just right behind him with a lil smile on her face

Seeing her smile at him makes him actually melt bc she got his eye smile and she just loves her father so much and he loves just as much and they’re best friends and I’m :)

[elysiansoul]

Although I'm all smiles while reading this, I just can't help but wonder if this is how growing up with a father really looks like.