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Congratulations! Why did you elope? Can you tell us more about your now husband?

Thank you! We eloped because our original wedding date (4/25) and our second wedding date (8/29) both had to be postponed due to Coronavirus. We probably could’ve had some version of the August wedding, but it wasn’t going to be the big party we had been planning for and that really mattered to us. As a result, we have postponed our official wedding for 10/09/2021. When we first cancelled our wedding, we were only 4 weeks away from our wedding date. We already had our marriage license and after being together for 11 years, we just really wanted to be legally married. I haven’t told anyone IRL about it, except our two witnesses and the HR manager who had to adjust my tax filing status. I don’t want our elopement day to overshadow our actually wedding and I want to celebrate 10/9 as our anniversary. Plus I didn’t want family or friends having hurt feelings over not getting witness the marriage license signing. If no one knows what they’re missing, then they can’t complain.

My husband is a pretty loveable guy. He is an enneagram 9 (thanks @zerocarb for introducing us to enneagrams) and is very much a laid back peacekeeper who just wants everything to be OK and everyone to be happy. He’s a geek who like video games, D&D, podcasts, computer programming / software architecting, and drinking excessive amounts of diet soda. He’s a little bit shorter than me, weighs a whole lot less than me, and sometimes gets really into martial arts. We met our first week of college and started dating a month later and have been together, ever since.

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Is BPD the same thing as Bipolar Disorder? If not, what’s the difference?

My dear, dear anon. This has been sitting in my inbox so long and I keep thinking about it, but I never actually sit down and write something. I hope you’re one of my followers, so that whoever sent this ask finally gets to see the answer.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Bipolar are two different mental illnesses, but to be fair they are often mixed up and conflated. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder. Like depression or anxiety, it is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and results in mood shifts between manic and depressive episodes. Part of the reason BPD gets confused with Bipolar is because BPD also includes mood swings. However, Bipolar mood shifts happen over long periods - you may be in a mood shift for days or months. On the other hand, BPD mood swings happen within the day, if not the hour. You can go from euphoric, to enraged, to suicidal in no time at all.

BPD falls under the umbrella of personality disorders and unlike mood disorders are more hard wired issues. Mayo Clinic defines personality disorders as, “a type of mental disorder in which you have a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning and behaving.” Although rapidly changing emotions is one symptom of BPD, when you look at the other 8 you can more easily see the difference from Bipolar.

To identify Borderline Personality Disorder there are 9 diagnostic symptoms and in order to be diagnosed, you need to have at least 5.

Distressed efforts to keep away from true or imagined abandonment.

A form of unstable and extreme interpersonal relations described as alternating between extremes of devaluation and idealization.

Identity disturbance: significantly and relentlessly unstable self-image.

Impulsive behavioral patterns in at least two aspects that are possibly self-damaging (e.g., substance abuse, sex, spending, binge eating, or reckless driving).

Recurring suicidal patterns, threats, gestures, or self-harming behavior.

Affective instability because of a significant reactivity of mood (e.g., irritability, anxiety, or intense episodic dysphoria that typically lasts a few hours, rarely more than days)

Chronic empty feelings.

misplaced and intense anger or trouble controlling anger (e.g., always angry or often temperamental).Short-lived stress-related paranoid thoughts or extreme dissociative symptoms.

Short-lived stress-related paranoid thoughts or extreme dissociative symptoms.

For more information, this video does a great job explaining all the symptoms and even touches a bit on the difference between BPD and Bipolar: https://youtu.be/to5qRLRSS7g

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This has been quite the week. I secretly eloped, one of my car windows got smashed, and I broke city wide curfew by driving around after 8pm eating ice cream and chicken tenders.

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Some of the highlights of food I ate this past week. There was also pizza, but I didn’t take a picture before we chowed down. I’ve been really leaning into my intuitive eating skills - stopping myself as soon as I feel full, taking a break to just sit with it, eating more if I feel the desire, and just trying to be mindful of my bodily sensations. I would say there were 3 meals this week I felt that I ate past a point of comfort, but all the rest I think I stopped at a good point.

Week 3 of no weight gain, so that is good. Also my first week on metformin. I didn’t really have any of the scary side effects, but I was only taking 1/2 my prescribed does. Going to give it one more week, and then bump up to the full dose.

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Food photo log - week 2, of whatever it is that I’m doing. Counting calories, enjoying life, and trying to avoid the sirens call of perfectionism.

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New hair cut selfie! I’m not even sure when the last time I got a haircut was. Between quarantine and my hair stylist moving to CA, I haven’t really had any motivation to go. I tried a new stylist, but I think she did a pretty good job!

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I had my doctors appointment! Did all the lab / blood work. My thyroid is functioning well. My blood cell count / iron levels was also good.

The not so good test results were:

My fasting insulin is high.

My C-reactive protein (CRP) was high

My Antinuclear antibody (ANA) was positive

The high fasting insulin could be contributing to my weight gain / stalling. Increased insulin resistance is known to be correlated with SSRIs, so this makes sense why my weight re-gain has coincided with going on antidepressants. If my body is not adequately using the insulin it makes and extra insulin is just hanging in my blood, this means even when I’m fasting my body isnt properly switching over to fat burning mode. In addition, the extra insulin can be what’s causing the inflammation / auto-immune symptoms I’m experiencing.

To start, my doctor wants me to try 3 months of metformin to see if that helps with the insulin and in turn helps with the CRP and ANA. If those are still high after my insulin is brought down, then I’ll probably have to go see a Rhuemotologist for an auto-immune disorder work up.

I’ve been reading a lot online about metformin and apparently it’s really hard on the stomach. So I’ve got bloating, gas, diahrehia, and nausea to look forward to. But also apparently it’s one of the most commonly prescribed medication and lots of people take it. Do any of you have experience on it???

I also have a consult with a dietician / nutritionist Monday to see if that might also be beneficial to me. My eating disorder treatmemt has only been therapy so far, but I’m kinda excited to pull in the nutrition piece. I feel like right now I’m being pulled in so many directions - intuitive eating, low carb eating, paleo eating, calorie counting, intermittent fasting, one meal a day... ETC. I think it would be nice to sit down and talk to a professional and just hear what they say / advise me.

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hey! if you’re looking to lose weight, i would first recommend portioning your food, and maybe eliminating dairy, gluten, and/or sugar for a week or two.

Dear Anon, I truly appreciate you thinking of me and trying to help. 

However, this is not my first time down this path (nor my second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eight, or well you get the point). I’ve been dieting and blogging about dieting for a LONG time, at least 7 years at this point. I have lost a total of 136.6lb and I have regained 175.2. At one time I was an inspiring success story and now I am a cautionary tale. 

Right now, I’m not really trying to lose weight, I’m more so focused on not gaining weight. If I also lose weight in this process, it is what it is... but I am not making it a goal, expectation or requirement that I lose weight - because once I add expectations I add the threat of failure. And if I add the threat of failure, then I either have two choices - to succeed or to fail. And, since no diet can be maintained perfectly, forever, there will inevitably challenges and regains, and when those happen they become indicators of my failures. So, then I have a tendency to throw everything out the window because what’s the point of trying if in the end you’re just going to go on anti-depressants, gain 100lbs back in 2 years, and go to SO MUCH THERAPY because the real issue was never your weight but your inability to tolerate existing in the present moment and instead you focus only on what you are not, rather than embracing and loving what you actually are. 

Beyond avoiding dieting in general, I specifically need to stay away from removing any food from my diet. Elimination diets lead to Orthorexia, which once you develop is horrible to overcome. Eating becomes a minefield of guilt where no food is actually safe once you develop so many rules and restrictions. You can't eat out, you can’t eat food made by other people, and you develop a very specific list of food that actually are “safe”. I have had panic attacks at the grocery store because they didn’t have the foods I felt allowed to eat and I had no way of coping with the situation or figuring out how to navigate the all or nothing of elimination dieting. 

So moral of the story, thanks for your help, but I’m good. I have a team of therapist and doctors, and so many self help books they take up their own coffee table. If there is a technique for self improvement, I’ve probably already tried, obsessed over it, and found that nothing is really as perfect as it sounds on paper! 

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So much good food. Gosh do I know how to spend calories well. 🌮🥯🧀🍣🍗🥗

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Hello Anon! Technically, I have been diagnosed with EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) as my habits and behaviors don’t exactly fit BED (Binge Eating Disorder). However I would be happy to provide any insight I can! Here are some ways in which I have worked on my binge eating problems.

Tip #1 - Therapy! If your issues around eating, food, and dieting are hurting your mental or physical health, the number one most important step is getting professional help. If you’re unsure if you have disorder eating problems, I recommend the NEDA Screening Tool. A lot of people treat eating disorders as if they are something you can conquer on your own. Binging is not a lack of willpower or a personal shortcoming, it’s a complex mental and physical issue that most likely will require a professional’s help. There are many different types of providers that can help with Disordered Eating treatment and I am positive there are providers out there who would love to help you start down the path to recovery. Tip #2 - Reject Dieting. If you find your binging is tied into a cycle in which you are constantly trying to diet / restrict and yet find yourself binging instead, this is a sign you need to take a step back from dieting. Binging is usually a result of walking a tightrope between needing to strictly adhere to a restrictive food plan and the inevitability that following any food plan perfectly and indefinitely is impossible. In my situation, binging was the result of being trapped in a cycle in which I would try to be perfect, fail to be perfect, and binge as a result of my failure or inability to cope with my imperfection. For me, I have had to learn how to walk the middle path. Walking the middle path means being able to stand in the middle of perfection and failure and tolerate being imperfect. It is having non-judgement of your eating - rather than constant criticism.  

“But how will I ever lose the weight from my binges, if I’m not dieting?”. This is an uncomfortable reality to face, but you might not lose weight for a while. You might gain weight. But if you ultimately want to get down to the root of your binging issues, you may need to let go of the broken cycle in order to create a healthier eating foundation.

Tip #3 Mindfulness / Body Awareness. This is a practice I’ve taken from my DBT program - approach eating mindfully. A lot of the time, those who suffer with Binge Eating Disorder are heavily desensitized from their bodies internal cues. Physical and Emotional distress is often buried and ignored, and binge eating is just a coping tool, used in place of actually dealing with our physical and emotional pain. By practicing mindfulness you can develop a greater awareness of thoughts, emotions, feeling, and behaviors. Start confronting your binges by asking yourself “What sensations am I exactly feeling right now? Is that feeling hunger, or something else with which I am trying to use food to cope?”. The more you grow in your own bodies awareness, the easier it will be to endure craving and impulses to binge.

Tip #4 Care for your body. I’m pretty certain that binge eating and hating one’s body go hand in hand. As a result, our focus isn’t actually on helping ourselves, but on punishment. The consequence of binging, is often doubling down on restrictions and denial of the foods that bring us so much pleasure. If you want to reduce binging, try to work on actually caring for your body and listening to what it wants. Don’t deny your body when it actually wants food or try to suppress actual hunger. Make sure you get plenty of sleep. Drink plenty of water. Do movement that brings you joy, but not as a punishment for binging. Go to the doctor to tend to your physical health and go to a therapist to tend to your mental health. We tend to put a lot of expectations and demands on our bodies, while also denying ourselves the resources we need to thrive.

Tip #5 Self Compassion. Find compassion for yourself. Give yourself the same understanding and support you would give a friend, lover, pet, or child. Something that works for me is imagining I am dealing with a child. Would you talk to a child the way you talk to your own body? Would you put it down for being fat? Would you put it down for binging? Would you refuse to get that child help, because you expect them to handle everything on their own? Would you starve it or tell it not to eat when it’s hungry? Self compassion is something I constantly come back to when I am struggling.

Tip #5: Workbook! I really like this work book: The Intuitive Eating Workbook: Ten Principles for Nourishing a Healthy Relationship with Food.

Ok! I think that’s it! I’m sorry that none of these are really as simple as “drink more water” or “eat more fiber / protein”, but this is what has been working for me. I hope that something in this is able to help anyone struggling. Always remember, recovery is possible and you do not have to do this alone. 💜

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Yesterday I used my calories to eat a 9 inch pepperoni pizza with ranch and a Hershey’s milk chocolate bar. Also an everything bagel with cream cheese and iced chai latte for lunch. It felt truly descendant and I was still within my calorie budget!

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Me 2 hours ago: Wow, I am amazing. Look at how much I achieved today. Today was a great day. 

Me Now: I'm pretty sure no one has ever loved you and anyone who says so is just lying in order to get something from you. But you’re also worthless, so who would even want anything from you. No one even wants you around.  P.S. you know these feelings are crazy, so you can't talk about them. Cause if you talk about them people will be annoyed and hate you. You have no friends anyway so it's not like anyone would want you to tell them this. And even if you did have friends saying anything would make them hate you so you should probably just dissociate until you feel nothing, because why burden other people with anything going on in your life. No one asked for that. You're stupid. Just shut up. Just delete this. They won't care. No one cares.

So this is another post I had written sometime last year, but never published. One of the worst parts of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is suffering from thoughts like this and feeling completely powerless to cope, express, or process these feelings. When I am in a self hate spiral, I cycle between everyone being out to get me and my existence mattering to no one. I am somehow both so important that everyone must be determined to hurt me and simultaneously so invisible, I am like a ghost no one can even see. 

I’m happy to say I am doing a lot better these days. I seem to go to That Place™️ less and less. I also know how to stop myself from sitting in my negative emotions and ruminating in my emptiness. I still have bad days and I still have to fight my BPD, but everyday I keep getting stronger at using skills. 

If you’re someone out there in the #bpd tag reading this and relating to it, know that DBT therapy really does help reduce the suffering of BPD. Even if your brain tells you no one cares, someone does care. Once you start the path to recovery, there are so many people who will cheer you on and you will learn how to build friendships and self love. Growth and recovery is possible.  

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I want this post to be a reminder that I have been working hard to improve my life. Every time I survive an emotional breakdown, I show myself how much I’ve improved. I’ve used skills to avoid turning to binge eating. I’ve stopped myself from attacking people and hurting friendships. I’ve been able to recover from my dark periods faster.  Just like a workout - I have been showing up to therapy even when I don’t want to, challenging myself to learn new skills, and learning sometimes the things that make you strong, also leave you sore along the way.

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Despite have a calorie budget big enough to eat McDonald’s twice a day, that unfortunately has not been happening (sorry @zerocarb). I have been having low carb Taco Salads for lunch. They are one of those low carb / low calorie meals I feel pretty happy eating everyday. I also got these “tamed” jalapeños that have been a delicious low cal upgrade to my meals. 

For dinner there has been more variety. Sunday we had grilled steak and vegetables. Monday Chili and Grilled cheese. Last night we had Chinese take-out which sent me over my calorie budget, so will have to be more mindful about that or make more attempts of cooking stirfrys at home. 

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I’m still waiting to talk with my doctor next week, but I had the realization that no matter the reason behind my weight gain - medication, binge eating, or an underlying health issue - it’s all probably going to end up at the same conclusion: If I want to lose weight, I’m going to have to back to counting calories. 

I started back up the ole My Fitness Pal and gave myself a generous calorie budget of 2000. Compared to eating 1,200 like I have in the past, it feels so luxurious. That’s basically 2 McDonalds meals a day! Given my current weight being so high, my BMR with no activity, not even sedentary, should be 2,209 . I am going to see what happens over the next week - gain, loss, or maintain.  One of the funniest things to me, was how easy calorie counting is given my years of experience. So far, almost every single food or recipe I have needed has already been stored in my history. It was even amazing that the taco salads I prepped for lunches this week were already pre-saved as a meal... IN THE EXACT SAME PORTIONS. It’s almost like my past self is serving as dietician for my present self. 

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I last posted an update about my weight in January. I weighed 303 at the doctor's office then. For a while I bounced between 298 - 305, then it was 305-310, now it's like in the 309-315 range. 

Over the past 2 years I have gained 75 lbs and I would really like to stop gaining weight. Last week I picked up my wedding dress from alterations and was so sad putting it on and feeling that it is getting tighter. Right now, one of my worst fears is not being able to fit into my dress for my wedding next year. I worry if my weight keeps creeping up, this will be the case.

I have been trying different weight loss strategies to stop the gaining - One Meal a Day, Fasting, and some good ole clean eating. Unfortunately, anytime I get my weight to go back down it will go back up - which is discouraging and frustrating. I don’t need to be thin - I just would be happy bringing my weight back down to the mid 200s.

I reached out to my doctor's office for a follow up appointment to talk about my weight gain. I have plans to explore 3 possible causes of my weight gain with my doctor:

1. Medication: my weight gain has coincided with taking medications that have a known side effect of weight gain. One of these is my Anti-depressants. I’m tempted to try going off them, but also really scared what this might do to my mental health. 

2. I likely have an un-diagnosed condition. I think it's very possible I have an auto-immune or thyroid issue. I have other symptoms that possibly point to lupus. I have a family history of Lupus, but I've never really asked a doctor to be tested for anything before. I’ve kinda chosen to live in denial rather than get actual help. 

3. Binge eating / Eating Disorder Issues: Through my current therapy, I get some treatment for Binge Eating, but I think I might also do better if I were to get help from disordered eating specialists. For a while, I've thought that I've had everything under control, but clearly my weight gain is showing that's not exactly the case.

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There’s a significant chance my wedding will be postponed. My bachelorette party and wedding shower already have been canceled. A lot of people online are talking about postponing their weddings, especially since the CDC recommends cancelling gatherings over 50 people for the next 8 weeks. I’m going to wait and decide on April 1. I’m at 6.5 weeks out, so I want to believe there is time to turn things back toward normal.

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We’re postponing. I’m not really feeling anything right now. Just doing what has to be done.

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Update: We ended up postponing again. It felt too risky to have a big wedding party this year given everything going on in the US. Our hope is by waiting until new year, we will be able to have the big and fun wedding celebration we’ve been dreaming of. Our new wedding date is 10/9/2021. Only... 444 more days to go.