All She Wrote

Hello. my name is Emily. I sometimes write poetry.

[emisheehanx]

It once was small

Timid and afraid

But it was there.

Each passing day

It seemed to grow ever so slightly

Until it was spoken to.

Then it ignited

And twisted into something bigger

Until it echoed through my veins.

Some would speak to it

Entice it to free itself from the cage

I tried desperately to contain it to.

I broke the locks

And let it claw it's way through me

Until I was completely devoured.

Over the years

I tried soothing it once more

Thinking I could reverse the damage.

My aching bones protested

With every plea I made

But I wouldn't give in again.

I took that roiling darkness

And balled it up so tightly in my fists

It thrashed and threatened to detonate.

The tethers had snapped

Fog had started to clear

Pieces of me began to return.

I can still feel it

Itching at my skin

But only a shadow of what it once was.

Because I will not let it consume me.

[emisheehanx]

I can't shake the feeling

That your hand is on her thigh. 

I can't shake the thoughts

Of her digging her nails into your back. 

I'm always edging between the lines

Of trust and fear. 

Telling myself that you wouldn't do that

But knowing that you could. 

The images of your bodies melting into one

Replaying through my head like some broken movie. 

I want so desperately to be your one and only

Maybe that's where the problem stems from. 

You say that I'm yours

But I guess you're not mine. 

[emisheehanx]

I'll wonder at 3am

If it will ever be

More than this. 

I'll let it consume me

If it will ever be

More than lust. 

I'll rip my heart open 

If you could ever care 

More than you do now. 

[emisheehanx]

There is a rope attached to my heart

The golden threads had lay slack for as long as they had formed.

But recently I feel it pulling

Trying to escape my chest.

I noticed it when you text me

Or even when I think about you.

It aches

And it hurts.

And I wonder if you have the same rope

Attached to your heart.

[emisheehanx]

The waves will caress my body

Soft sunlight streaming through the blue hues.

A thin red band across my ankle

Where the anchor once binded to my skin.

The faint taste of salt

As I claw my way through the currents.

The harmony of birds

As I break through to the surface.

I am more than the anchor that once held me down

I will refuse to be dragged to the bottom.

[emisheehanx]

I've heard that you're married now,

I wonder if she knows about the children you left behind.

The wounds have healed,

But the scars are permanent

As are the blood stains in the carpet.

I stay awake

Reliving the memories

Wishing I could stop the hurt.

I don't understand

How you are allowed to move on

When we are still feeling the pain

13 years on.

[emisheehanx]

The soft blinking of City lights

Hushed whispers under the night sky.

The world below our feet

The steady rhythm of your heartbeat.

A million miles away

A fragile heart begging you'll stay.

[emisheehanx]

I will never stop fighting for you

For us

For everything we ever could be

And for everything we will be.

[always-live-in-the-sunshine-dea]

“Don’t lie to an over thinker. It never ends well. Such people have trained their brains to look for holes in a story. If shit doesn’t make sense, they think about it over and over until it makes sense. I’m that person.”

— Unknown

[emisheehanx]

I am scared to be alone.

The fear of empty pill packets,

Or even a pencil sharpener.

Rooms are becoming smaller,

Each passing second feels like torture.

An hour ago seems like months apart,

But the clock ticking is deafening me.

Anxiety eating away at every thought,

Until all that's left is an aching heart.

I can't escape it,

I've tried my best.

I didn't want it to consume me again,

I'm sorry.

[emisheehanx]

Your name echoes through the soft winds

The lavander has all died off now

And the roses push through the hardended soil.

A hand brushing against delicate leaves

She gave you a key

A key that no one has held before.

The rusted door is hard to open

A hurricane of butterflies let loose

And a rainbow streams through the arch.

Wild flowers begin to bloom.

[dontforgetacomma]

how did you find a way to make me stumble over my words. i used to plan out my sentences, rehearse every word before speaking. i never went speechless, i always raised my hand. and now, it’s like i see your face and my mind goes blank. i trip over every letter and i mispronounce my adjectives, i swallow my tongue and forget to answer the question. i pause in between every thought, i make it up as i go. how did you find a way to make my words feel brand new. i thought they would always be jagged lines, reused over years, sharp and straight to the point. but they’re not anymore, no, now they are liquid and open to the different interpretations. they have multiple meanings and my metaphors are fluid, they take up space. i whisper some and i scream the others without reason. how did you find a way?

[emisheehanx]

Lay with me

Under the shining stars.

Place your hand in mine

And tell me what's on your mind.

I'll tell you

Certain shapes I see within the white speckles.

You'll look at me

And laugh when I make a joke.

I'll slip up

And tell you I love you.

I'll pray

That you say it back.

[emisheehanx]

I regret allowing you to read my poetry

Especially the ones that were about you.

Words laced with vanilla and honey

My heart laid bare.

You smiled and kissed me

And let me think you cared.

But then you left

Taking my words with you.

A form of vulnerability

I have never experienced before.

[emisheehanx]

I hope you think of me

When you're alone at 2am.

I hope you wish it was me

When she kisses you.

I hope you'll remember

The colour of my eyes.

I sure as hell remember yours

Pools of deep water that used to envelop me.

I'll wish it was you

When I get a notification on my phone.

I will always think of you

No matter the time.

[emisheehanx]

I will tell you that I'm doing okay

But I'm not even sure what okay feels like.

I'm exhausted

But I won't let it show.

I'll break down at 3am

My heart will shatter into a million pieces.

I want to text

But I dont want to annoy you.

I just want you to hold me

And to feel wanted.

I'm not sure how much more I can take

Before I completely shut down.

[emisheehanx]

Lay with me

Under the shining stars.

Place your hand in mine

And tell me what's on your mind.

I'll tell you

Certain shapes I see within the white speckles.

You'll look at me

And laugh when I make a joke.

I'll slip up

And tell you I love you.

I'll pray

That you say it back.