Ooooooooooo-kay. It's been a long time. Lots of things have happened.
Quick summary: shrimp did not do well, good rings also did not do well. Bought some beautiful blue longfin zebra danios, they also ended up not doing well (maybe due to bullying), and also tried oto catfish and they did well until they didn't.
I started a new 5 gallon that has gone a lot better (will maybe make separate post about it) and have fallen in love with mystery snails.
And, of course, I have redone the tank completely.
Here's the progression of the tank before I overhauled it.
It's been super discouraging, failing almost every aspect of the hobby. I was so so close to just cleaning it all up and putting it away to gather dust until I "felt better." I still feel so helpless when it comes to why I can't raise these fish properly. I really do want to give up most of the time. Part of that is my mental health, which has not been great, and part of that is generally I don't believe I'm good at anything at all.
But my fear is just paralyzing me, preventing me from moving forward in either direction (towards quitting or towards learning) so in this case... What I don't touch and care for literally rots. Which makes the problem worse.
I call myself lazy, stupid, careless, heartless, anything that hurts. Thus the barrier to entry is stronger and higher. I have to surmount that guilt over all the little fish, shrimp, and snails that have died under my care to try again. And sometimes it's too much. I tell myself that no one else has this much trouble keeping some fish alive, that I must be the worst fishkeeper in history.
I'm putting this in a public forum because if there's someone else who feels hopeless about a hobby they love.. me too. And it's ok. You're not morally wrong for failing. Try to learn and be kind to yourself.
I'm also typing this out for my future self. For next time I'm lying in bed wishing it would all just go away. Remember that the sand in the water settles, it just takes a few days. Remember that the little extra effort really isn't anything at all, and is totally worth it.
Love yourself and love your hobby, as best you can