flashes of light

“Not just beautiful, though--the stars are like the trees in the forest, alive and breathing. And they're watching me.” - Haruki Murakami XVII - THE STAR emmett clermont // 21 // he/him

[thequotejournals]

“Who’s the real you? The person who did something awful, or the one who’s horrified by the awful thing you did? Is one part of you allowed to forgive the other?”

— Rebecca Stead, Goodbye Stranger

[soracities]

William Shakespeare, Macbeth

[Text ID: “Stars, hide your fires: Let not light see my black and deep desires:”]

[weltenwellen]

Susan Sontag, As Consciousness Is Harnessed to Flesh

[emmettxclermont]

charbroussard​:

She knew what was coming yet something about his question surprises her. Perhaps it was the confirmation that they both wanted each other in the same way, or maybe it was the tender undertone of his voice. In either case it makes her heart sink to her stomach. She nods once slowly and then twice quickly at his offer, words not coming easy to her anymore. In a blink his lips tessellate with hers. The feeling was more exhilarating than any buzz the whiskey could’ve given her, but she thanks Dom in her head for it anyway. His hand sends a shiver down her spine. It leaves a trail of fire wherever it went, burning the skin on her flushed cheeks by grace of his soft fingers. She is so thankful for the safety of the night that does not completely allow him to see her. If he knew what a mess she’d become by his doing, she doesn’t know if she’d ever be able to face him. But in the moonlight they are equals. They are two bodies with the same goal. Part of her thinks that she could stay in this moment forever, and she tries her hardest to savor each passing second so that later, if she chose to, she could replay it in her head. She relishes in the slow, steady rhythm they create together. It’s tender, but there’s something vibrating underneath that is growing harder to ignore. Because the other part of Charlotte was impatient, needy. She wanted more than slow and soft. She and Emmett could be that, but at their cores, written in the fibers of their atoms, they were passionate people. That energy rests underneath her skin, and she knows it’s the same for Emmett. She can feel the hint of it on him like a shock of static where their bodies connect. Slinging her hand around the nape of his neck, she gently pulls him closer to her to deepen the kiss - like the space left between them was an enemy to her. She knows she’s done the right thing when Emmett responds well to it, matching her fervor. It is perfect. Yet, even still there is a battle for dominance, stubborn tongues wanting more than the other will give. Tillie fights back a grin. Maybe there would always be an unwritten clash between them. Maybe it was what they needed. She was the first to pull back, whiskey soaked lips hanging in a lazy smile. She was sure Emmett would be able to hear how loud her heart was beating had the sound not been drowned out by the faint music coming from Baker Hall. Her voice is barely above a whisper when she says one simple word; “Charlotte”.

Emmett’s head was swimming and all he could manage to focus on was the feeling of warmth that had spread throughout his body - from the liquor, from her lips gracefully moving along with his. He was soft in this moment, not realizing until now just how long it had truly been since he had experienced vulnerability and gentle touch. He melted into it, letting himself fall off of the edge. He was completely at her will and he didn’t even know her name. Emmett thought that their kiss was very much like an elegant dance, the other effortlessly seeming to pick up on the rhythm and the subtly hints. He would not have expected anything less. They were both quick on their feet, even while drunk, apparently. He caught himself breaking into tiny smiles throughout the kiss, grateful for the darkness for cloaking his face. Emmett's hand had found a resting place, gently resting on the back of the head, his thumb lightly on her cheek.

He could feel their refined movement getting a bit more messy as the moments passed and the tension kept building between them. Emmett welcomed that. In fact, he was desperate for that. When she slung her arm around his neck, deepening the kiss, Emmett responded eagerly - closing the gap between their chests, hands on her hips. All of his nerves were alight and his body felt like it was humming with electricity. He thought to himself that he would like to keep this feeling forever. He wanted to drown in it. When they finally pulled back after what had felt like an eternity, both of them breathless and smiling shyly to themselves in the darkness. Emmett barely had time to think of something to say or catch his breath before she spoke aloud. At first, he was confused by this and perhaps it took him longer to come to a conclusion because of his foggy mind, but it clicked after a couple of seconds. A name. He had finally gotten a name. A smile pulls at the corner of his mouth. Emmett lifts her hand to his lips, pressing a light kiss onto the back of it. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Charlotte.”

[malglories]

“even our intimacies are rigged with terror”

— Adrienne Rich, The Dream of a Common Language: Poems 1974-1977 (via bergmans-ghost)

[emmettxclermont]

charbroussard​:

As more time passes with Emmett by her side, there is nothing she feels other than content. The two were actually getting along well, and were exchanging jokes like an old friend would to another. It was nice to feel so at ease with someone she normally wouldn’t give the time of day. She could honestly say that she may have been wrong about him - Maybe. Sitting on the floor behind Dom’s desk, the cool floors feeling nice against her legs now warm as a result of the alcohol. It was an odd quirk that she’d grown accustomed to when she drank. But tonight something about it feels weird. Her entire body is warm, as though it on is eager for something out of her control. She ignores this, however, distracting herself with their conversation that they share in the privacy of the dark office. The strip of moonlight that shines in from the window illuminates their faces just right, and she gives herself a moment in-between laughter to really look at him. She takes in his straight nose that curved upwards in the most charming way, the mole just above his upper lip, and the intensity of his blue-green eyes. He was handsome, but anyone could see that. Hell, she’d seen it when they first met, but didn’t allow herself to think much on it. But now she does. And the smile that inches its way across her face then is the warmest and most sincere she could give him. She does it happily. She watches as he takes another swig of the bottle. Drops of whiskey make small beads along his bottom lip, and they too catch the moonlight. Tillie doesn’t fight the urge to lift her thumb and gently brush it along his lip to collect the excess. She also doesn’t fight the urge to put that same thumb against her own lips so that she could swipe her tongue across and get a taste. Despite how taken she is by her own actions, she doesn’t show it. She only grins at his reaction, head falling to a slight tilt. “It tastes sweeter from your lips. I wonder why that is.”

Never once had it ever occurred to Emmett that they might be able to be in a room alone together and actually get along for once, let alone be getting drunk and making each other laugh. Laugh....he couldn’t get enough of her laugh. Emmett wanted the sound of it to play on a loop in his brain. He knew they were stealing shy glances at each other, he could feel her eyes on him while he was drinking from the bottle. And when she was drinking from the bottle, he would do the same. Admiring the way her curls framed her face and how she looked when she was smiling. Emmett had no mental energy to think twice about any of these thoughts and so, he didn’t try to fight them. Yet, they were still intense in nature and so ....maybe another shot? Emmett raised the bottle to his lips again, the liquid rushing into his mouth a little too fast this time, but before it could reach his shirt or his pants, her finger quickly swiped along his bottom lip, collecting the droplets of alcohol. He happened to turn his attention to her the moment she put that same finger up to her own lips. His jaw fell slack. Everything stopped. Time didn’t move. No sounds were made. Emmett only heard the words she said next and then there was silence. His heart was racing. The tiniest of smirks played at his lips before he couldn’t fight it off any longer. “I bet it tastes even sweeter from yours.” his words hung in the arm for a moment, their eyes locked. Emmett could only faintly hear the ticking of a clock. “Would you mind if I try for myself?” he asks, lowering his voice a bit. He waits for her to nod before Emmett puts his hand against her cheek. The softness of the touch feels foreign, so he is a bit hesitant. But only for a second. His thumb traces her cheekbone absentmindedly. His eyes flicker to her lips and then, before his brain had time to catch up, they were kissing  - soft, slow, gentle. He gets lost in the feeling of her lips against his. Intoxicated.

[emmettxclermont]

charbroussard​:

Tillie grins upon reaching Dom’s office. Of course her weird professor would have a bottle of Whiskey in his office for no apparent reason. Of course he hadn’t hidden it well enough for someone not to find. She doesn’t feel any qualms about opening it and drinking some. Maybe in the morning she’d come to regret it, but she can’t think that far ahead. Right now the whiskey was calling to her, and she’s dying for the taste of it. “It seems as though you were right - for once.” She tells him with a quick wink. “I suppose that means you should do the honors.”

For once, Emmett was not seeing her as a threat. For once, he felt like they were seeing each other as people and not competition. He sensed no sharpness in her voice and her eyes were bright and admittedly, beautiful - looking right at him. Right through him. Emmett had always been captivated by her, whether he wanted to admit it or not. Even through all of the arguing and the tension, he felt inclined to know her. To really know her. That feeling was ever so present in the current moment and the wink she gave him caused his cheeks to flush. He smiled warmly in return, cracking the seal on the bottle. Emmett took a pull off of it, wincing slightly at the taste before passing it to her. Soon enough, they were both a few shots deep, sitting on the floor behind Dom’s desk, basically shoulder to shoulder

[emmettxclermont]

charbroussard​:

Tillie catches his smile, white teeth reflecting the glimmer of the moon. She couldn’t say why it made her heartbeat quicken, but she begs her brain to stop whatever it was doing. But of course, her body doesn’t listen. And when she reaches for the now empty container, her fingers brush against hers and she almost drops the damned thing on the ground. “Fine -” she hardly whispers, voice caught in the base of her throat. She turns away from him quickly to put the flask in her purse, thankful that he can’t see her ruddy cheeks in the darkness. ‘I just the rum, it’s just the rum, it’s just the rum’ She tells herself on a loop, but it feels more like a plead. When she’s calm again, she feels brave enough to face him. “May I at least know where this place is?” She asks, though the more she looks around, the more familiar the path seemed.

With the aid of the wine in his blood, the part of Emmett that was usually  resistant towards her was weakened. The last thing that he wanted to do was debate or engage in academic conversation with her in this moment. He didn’t want to do the work to hide behind the walls tonight, which is exactly how he knew that he had gotten a bit too drunk, but why bother stopping now? He was actually feeling quite good and found that her company was comforting to him in the darkness. Knowing she was there did not make him feel tense in the ways it normally would have and she must have felt the same way. otherwise she would have stayed at the dance. When she speaks up, the soft cadence of her voice is of some surprise to him. Emmett wasn’t used to such a gentle tone, but he softened with it as well. “Well, it would just so happen that Dom always keeps a bottle of scotch in his office. I was in there earlier today, a bit early for our meeting. I saw it tucked behind a shelf.” the two of them arrived at their professors door, which was left ajar. Emmett knew it would be, it always was. He pushes it open and advances into the room, finding the bottle of scotch with ease. “and it’s full.”

[emmettxclermont]

eros-illiades​:

emmettxclermont​:

It was true that Eros had come to the dance with a date. Supposedly, you would have to stick around your date at events like this one. Eros was aware of this, and he did truly try to be more tied to the lovely Natalia… But his good old habit of disappearing could not be tamed that easily. He always felt more confident, knowing that someone out there is confused about where he had gone off to. And he really needed confidence tonight.

To his luck, as he was on his way to pour himself some punch (He had only decided on it after he had disappeared from his date), he noticed his friend, Emmett, doing the same. Was he also roaming around on his own? Away from his date, or did he not have one? Eros sure was eager to know, so he dragged his feet across the floor towards the other student. Before he could announce his presence, Emmett already turned around.

“Easy,” He raised his eyebrows and let out a breathy chuckle. “I know the long hair can be misleading, but,” He tried to joke about how Emmett called him Jesus, even if he knew humor wasn’t his strong suit. It was a night to try out new things. “It’s only me.” He smiled shortly and proceeded to pour himself the drink as he intended, still talking to Emmett over his shoulder. “You’re not hiding, are you?” He nodded towards the dance floor.

When his hazy eyes finally adjusted and the voice and face in front of him became recognizable, Emmett breathed a sigh of relief. It was only Eros, who Emmett was rather surprised to see at the dance tonight. He didn’t take him for the type to bother with large social gatherings such as this, but Emmett was oddly comforted by the unexpectedness of his presence nonetheless. He felt so out of place and uncomfortable around his peers, like he couldn’t connect or relate to them, as desperately as he might want to. As a result, he wasn’t the warmest towards them. With Eros however, things were a bit more complicated. In public, it appeared that their relationship was no different, but behind closed doors, there was a lot more vulnerability and closeness than anyone was allowed to see. Eros was no stranger to the feelings of struggling relate and Emmett supposed that’s why they got on together so well. Both of them allowed the other the freedom to express love in whatever way that was easiest. Emmett really did think Eros was.....beautiful, for lack of a better word.

“I’m pleased it’s you and not Jesus. I’d have a lot of sins to answer for if that were the case.” Emmett finished the rest of the punch in one gulp and set the glass aside. “Maybe I am hiding...what’s it to you? Seems like you’re hiding as well, if I’m being honest.”

[emmettxclermont]

acaciabuchanan​:

emmettxclermont​:

“Won’t drink a drop of pop but will drink that when it’s necessary. I see how it is, Emmett. I understand.” She said it all with a teasing smile, but that was her relationship with Emmett. He reminded her of her little brother if he were to be in college with her, but the boy was still living it up his days in high school. “Thank you and you clean up nice as well, but that is to be expected of you, isn’t it?”

She looped his arm with his, pulling him away from the refreshment table and taking him to a place where they could sit. It was a pick or choose for her tonight, suffocate with the things she’s wearing while she’s sitting or ache in the heels that were on her feet. Even though Acacia did enjoy dressing up, being in the actual get up when there was nothing else to distract her, did come with its costs. “You do, but I’m not pulling you away from your actual date tonight? Or are you like the others from our French class that seemed to only come here for the extra credit?”

Emmett rolls his eyes, however is unable to fight the smile that follows. “And I still stand by that, by the way. Soda is absolutely disgusting. Also, what are you? The beverage police?” Emmett shrugged his shoulders in response to her next question, though it had likely been meant to be rhetorical. “Isn’t it expected of all of us in a way? It’s a dance, after all. Besides, I just like to look nice.”

Emmett nearly dropped his glass of punch when Acacia pulled him away from the table, looping her arm through his and beginning to move through the crowd. A bit of it sloshed out onto the floor, nearly landing on someone’s shoe. They shot Emmett and Acacia a dirty look that only Emmett saw. He tried to mouth an apology, but their faces got lost in the crowd before he could.

Once they were seated, Emmett scoffed at the mention of a date, making a fake gesture of getting sick. “As if there’s anyone at this school that I could physically stand for longer than ten minutes let alone ask one of them out. I’m all yours.” He glanced over at her then, tilting his head to the side. “Do you have a date tonight? I highly doubt you’re just here for the extra credit.”

[emmettxclermont]

daejungpark​:

emmettxclermont​:

open //

Dae didn’t often drink, but when he did he made sure he was still composed enough. The intention was to just let go of a few inhibitions. The alcohol did that nicely for him, it even made him feel a little lighter. Dae wasn’t much of the dancing type. Even with the alcohol loosening his shoulder, he really didn’t have an ounce of rhythm in him. He was just very stiff. That made for dancing and Dae to not go hand and hand. A brief escape to the punchbowl was exactly what he needed to do. Him and Acacia had plenty of other friends that they could see individually. Plus, it wasn’t a date. Dae was trying his best to convince himself of that. His eyes scanned Baker Hall in hopes that they would land on someone he recognized. And thankfully for him, they landed on Emmett. He made his way over to him quickly, probably placing himself a little too close to the boy before greeting him. Dae couldn’t help but laugh at the reaction Emmett gave. “Relax Clermont. I didn’t really sneak up on you, it’s just a little loud and a little dark in here.”

“Yeah, okay, that, and you also have thee lightest footsteps on planet earth. I mean, you’re practically a phantom.” Emmett teased him back lightly, taking another sip of the punch he’d been drinking. His heart rate returned to normal with the realization that it was just another classmate before him. He had mostly been worried that it was going to be one of the chaperones he was meeting face to face and he knew the smell of wine was on his breath. However, he wasn’t worried now. Dae had seen Emmett drunk plenty of times before - usually during late night study sessions with Meredith, though Emmett was no where near as drunk now as he got when he was with them. He was maintaining a steady composure, for now. Maybe just a bit more smiley than usual. “It’s nice to see you, Dae. You look darling as usual. Did you just get here?”

[emmettxclermont]

charbroussard​:

She doesn’t retort. Not because she thinks he’s right, but rather that she can’t help but think about how this wasn’t the first time he’d felt inclined to “help” her. It amuses her. She figures one day she may ask him about it, but now was not the time. Now, he was walking away from her. But his offer is still on the table, and she knows that deep down she’d regret not going. What did she have to lose, anyway? It was the perfect opportunity to skip the dance that she was so dreading, and it seemed that the universe had given her another tool to ease her night. She was thankful for it. She lets out a sigh, her last attempt at resistance. She follows him, quickening her steps to catch up to where he was. She tries to convince herself that it’s just to retrieve her flask because it’s easier than knowing that she might actually like hanging out with him. “I hope for your sake it’s there,” she whispers finally, grinning in the dark where he can’t see. “If not that’d be quite embarrassing.”

As Emmett started walking away, he had already acknowledged the possibility that she might not want to tag along and he wasn’t exactly sure why he wanted her to, but he knew when he offered, that there was a chance she’d reject him. Still, though, it had been worth it to try. And fucking terrifying. Emmett walked further down the hallway. The only illumination was the moonlight coming in through the windows. And then his footsteps were joined by the sound of another's. Emmett was in shock. She actually decided to come with? He peeks over his shoulder, only catching brief glimpses of her in the available lighting, but he smiles to himself as he turns his face forward again. “If it’s not there, I’ll replace whatever I drink from this flask.” Emmett said as he took a small swig from it. He handed it back to her, their hands brushing against each other in the dark, sending him all the way back to the first day of class. Maybe, though, just maybe, both of their fingers lingered a second longer than they should have.

[emmettxclermont]

acaciabuchanan​:

emmettxclermont​:

open //

“You’re more jumpy than usual,” Acacia replied, way too amused by his reaction. Of course, he did scare her too, but she managed to tone her reaction down to just a quick widening of her eyes. She usually was more easily spooked, but with the music going on and the loud chatter around her from people trying to talk over the music, Emmett’s loud burst was nothing. “I’ve never seen you beeline it to something so unnaturally sugary.”

 Seeing Emmett at a school gathering was not odd, but knowing there was extra credit involved made more sense for Acacia to run into her dear friend on this fair evening. But him downing something red that wasn’t red wine seemed wrong. Although Acacia really couldn’t say how much she knew of the male to safely assume anything. “You owe me a dance tonight, sir.”

Emmett’s muscles immediately relax from their tense state as he registers the face in front of him. Thank fucking god. Someone he actually liked. “Look, the punch bowl was closer than the water fountain and I was thirsty, okay? And actually, this punch isn’t half bad. You want some?” he smiles a little, “Also you look nice, Acacia.” 

He could tell that she knew something was off about him, despite how well he was able to handle himself while drunk. This didn’t come as a shock. Out of anyone at Letroadec, Acacia knew him the best. She was like the older sister he never had and Emmett still held her at arms distance. He didn’t always like to think he did, but it was the truth. Emmett raises a brow when she tells him he owes her a dance. “Do I? Well, I’m honored...and I accept.”

[emmettxclermont]

evehansenn​:

>sadie hawkins dance

pretty woman// eve & emmett

They danced for what seemed like forever, laughing and squealing the whole time. This was one of the few times Eve had felt like herself since coming to school this year. Being pegged the weird Mormon girl isn’t exactly the best rep to have. She twirled and dipped, thankful someone could see past the smoke and mirrors. The song winded down and Eve’s laughter trickled into a giggle, still holding into Emmett’s hand, slowly swaying ‘til the end of the tune. “That was,” Eve paused, trying to catch her breath, “probably the most fun I’ve had in a while.” 

As the song started to come to an end and both of their movements slowed, Emmett was able to catch more glimpses of the other people on the dance floor and everyone seemed to have been watching them, which how could they not have been? Emmett was certain that they had looked absolutely ridiculous, but he was having fun for the first time that semester, so nothing else really mattered. Both of them were laughing and breathing heavily and before Emmett knew what was happening, Eve was falling and since she had ahold of his hand, he went down with her. The cold ground felt good against his back, however. So maybe it wasn’t the worst. He turned his face to look over at her, still smiling brightly. “Who knew we had such talent, right? I mean, that was impressive.”

[emmettxclermont]

charbroussard​:

Tillie doesn’t know what it is about him in the moment that had caused her to relax. The tension in certain spots of her body had been ridden free of the feeling for a few moments now. She’s sure it happened when he’d smiled at her. Or maybe it was the alcohol. She smelled the bitter aroma of wine on his breath too, and guesses that they both were victim to its forces  But she doesn’t allow herself to reflect on it long. Instead she scoffs in a halfhearted way, and rolls her eyes to let him know that they still weren’t friends. Well, that and to reject his idea. Just like a man to take more than he deserved - she thinks to herself. “That’s not exactly a fair deal, is it? I mean what if we arrive at this magical place and there is, in fact, no alcohol?” She leans in closer to him, brow hitched. “What then?” In truth, she didn’t mind if at the end of their excursion there was nothing to show for it. She feels the urge to be with him then, and for the first time she doesn’t fight it. She hopes that he doesn’t make her regret it.

Her half-hearted scoff did not phase him as it normally would, nor did the roll of her eyes or even the words that followed. Emmett was too drunk off of expensive red wine to care about acting a certain type of way or having to be a certain type of person depending on who he was around. He knew he was supposed to say something snarky back. That was what was expected of him after all, and any other moment, he would have played his part. But, right now, he couldn’t wipe the tiny smile off of his face even if he wanted to. Even when she leaned in closer to him - so close that he was able to smell a little bit of her perfume and he thinks to himself that it is lovely. Emmett does not pull back. Neither does she. “Fair deal? Those nuns would have just expelled you on the spot. I was genuinely just trying to help you.” He means this sincerely and he says it that way. “Hm, fair point. All I’m saying is...I know where more alcohol is and I’m going to go get it. You can come with me or you can stay here and miss out. It’s up to you.” 

[emmettxclermont]

open //

The thought of being seen at a school dance made Emmett want to vomit. Why did Professor König have to assign their attendance as extra credit? Of course, Emmett was going to take advantage of that, but why the dance? He would have done an extra five papers if it meant he could have skipped it. So, as a way to combat his nerves, he put back an entire bottle of Merlot in the entirety of the time he spent getting ready, which was about fifteen minutes. He arrived in Baker Hall fashionably late to find that the room was full of people. The music, the decorations, the lights - it was all a great distraction for his hazy mind. However, his mouth needed to start smelling less like alcohol, so he made his way to the bowl of punch. After serving himself some, he turned, unexpectedly coming face to face with someone familiar. “Shit! Jesus. You scared me.”

[emmettxclermont]

charbroussard​:

emmettxclermont​:

If there was a worse possibility than running into Eve tonight, it was Emmett. The two had gotten off on the wrong foot during the first week of school and made no effort to rectify it. For the last three weeks they’d involved themselves in heavy debates about various topics. They were productive and stimulating, that was certain. But they also vexed Charlotte to no end. Emmett’s smug and defensive demeanor halted any inkling she felt to want to know him on a more personal level. They also distracted her from thinking too hard about how pretty she thought his eyes were - but here they were, staring right at her giving an expression she can’t exactly read. Before she can think, he’s grabbing her arm and her flask. “Hey what are you-” She starts, almost shouting, but stops herself as he pulls her into the hallway, snug in the corner by a stone pillar. Their bodies are close, faces only a few inches away. She swallows hard. Her head snaps to the side when she hears the footsteps. She watches on silently from her spot as the nuns walk past them, too engrossed in their private conversation to notice the pair together in the dark. She only moves away from him when they’re completely out of sight. “If you think i’m gonna thank you, you’re wrong y’know.” She says, unsuccessfully fighting a smile. “And can I have that back?”

 The nuns walk right past them. If their chests had been any closer together, they would be able to feel each other’s hearts thundering in their chests. Emmett didn’t register how little distance there was between them at first - focused solely on making sure they didn’t get caught with the flask. Once the nuns were out of sight and Emmett turned to look back at her, he swallowed hard. He could see all of the fine details of her face. Emmett felt like he’d never truly seen her before this moment. Normally, in a less inebriated state (in both of their cases) they would have pushed each other away by now and likely starting hurling snide comments back and forth. But, this time, she was smiling at him and that made him feel oddly warm. Emmett was quick to blame it on the wine. “Don’t worry, I most definitely was not expecting you to thank me.” he says, laughing quietly. “Oh, this?” He glances down at the flask in his hand. “Only if you don’t mind sharing the rest....and I think I even know where we could find some more.”