delusions of grandeur

Adjust settings for increased attitude. Emily, twenty-something, Chicago. Writer by day, goofball by night. "A little too existential for a Sunday morning."

[hearthstoneblitz]

if my tumblr gets deleted you can also follow me on my other forms of social media:

- digging a grave and whispering my name to the worms

- finding a bear in the forest and challenging it to a game of chess

- launching yourself into the stratosphere and vividly hallucinating my content

- the helpless feeling in your chest when you think of death

[watermelon-weedie]

Would You Have the Balls to Heckle Louis C.K.?

Talking to the 25-year-old woman who yelled at the comedian to “get his dick out” onstage at the Comedy Cellar.

A hero for our time !!

All I could think at the time was that I would never be able to forgive myself if I had this perfect opportunity to publicly call out an abuser to his face and I just quietly sat there. 

“get your dick out” ICONIC

[pelicanhypeman]

A role model.

[emmyinabox]

this woman is my coworker and she walked in yesterday morning to a standing ovation. 

[emmyinabox]

An update.

I just quit my job. The first time I’ve ever quit a job. The job I’ve been at for 8 years (and 8 days). My first job out of college. My first real job. The job that made me a copywriter. 

I put in my notice and I will start a new job. The first time I will start a job as a professional adult and not a raw college grad with nothing to offer but a degree and tenacity. Maybe that makes it my first real job. 

Here’s to new beginnings. 

[emmyinabox]

good form, Peter! #theboobox #acebouncethriller @acebounce (at AceBounce Chicago) https://www.instagram.com/p/BpdbcTmAc7X/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=lwl631fdnhg8

[petite-ursus]

Somewhere between (งಠ_ಠ)ง and  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  every day.

[jasmerripen]

Ah the ever elusive ¯\_( ಠ_ಠ)_/¯

[no-i-know-her]

I’m more like (งツ)ง tbh.

[emmyinabox]

C🐻C⚾️C💙 (at Wrigley Field) https://www.instagram.com/p/BnpVgBWA3Un/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=icjkbr3xria3

[boredbbyy]

can’t help falling in love on a kalimba

[hogwartsconsultingtimelady]

This radiates calm

[avpdkaneki]

someone: do u want to go do this thing w me

me: ……………in theory

[greyannis]

A gif for Mermay!

[catchymemes]

Animal Reviews!

Source: facebook.com

[webcomicname]

[geeeeeeeeeeeeeeenji]

a person i’ve never met before in my life: *greets me by name*

me:

[emmyinabox]

hell yeah I’m crossposting this shit, it’s hilarious. 

[fuiru]

Holy shit, Larabars are fucking insane

Have you ever had one? They’re like energy bars only they’ve somehow managed to shove eight energy bars into one energy bar. It’s like they’ve made an energy bar collapse in on itself until it becomes a super dense energy black hole and then they put a wrapper around it and sell it in boxes in Costco and you get a box thinking it’s just granola bars like Natures Path or something but when you have one it’s like you feel like you’ve just eaten your own stomach. I finished eating it half an hour ago but I feel like I’m still eating it. I think I’ll be eating it forever.

I looked at the ingredients list on my Larabar wrapper and it had two items:

Dates

Everything

I’m too scared to look at the nutritional information on my Larabar wrapper because I’m pretty sure I just ate my own weight in dates but it was somehow crammed into a block the size of a baby’s arm. Chewing a Larabar is like the jaw equivalent of bench-pressing a small Caribbean island. Since eating it I’ve started talking like Kanye West when his mouth was wired shut.

I think my own tongue is afraid of me.

As a science experiment I’m going to eat two Larabars tomorrow and test how long a human being can survive while completely unable to poop.

[emmyinabox]

every once in awhile, @banterability and I will quote this at each other and then collapse laughing. 

“I think I’ll be eating it forever.” 

[theonion]

Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine

SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed.

“I guess at some point while she’s showering, she rubs a rock on her body,” said Ferris, expressing what he claimed was “the only possible conclusion” about the light-gray rock in his girlfriend’s bathroom. “I mean, it looks sort of nice, so she could just have it there for decoration or something. But it’s usually right near all the other soaps and her loofah, so I think it’s probably something she actually uses while under the water.”

“I really don’t know how it all works,” Ferris added. “All I know is that in between Sarah getting into the shower and getting out, there’s a rock involved.”

Ferris, who said he was unable to determine exactly when in the showering process the rock first comes into play, told reporters he is equally clueless about what part of the body the rock is used on.

In addition, Ferris said he occasionally inspects the roughly 3-ounce object when he’s in Milstein’s shower, and told reporters that the rock is nearly always wet and is occasionally moved to slightly different spots within the bathtub, leading him to believe that his girlfriend uses it fairly regularly. He also noted his girlfriend’s bathing time never seems particularly longer than the average person’s considering she has added a rock into the mix.

Ferris added that all attempts to incorporate the rock into his own shower routine have ultimately been unsuccessful.

“I tried rubbing it on my skin once, and it hurt,” Ferris said, concluding that pouring soap and water directly onto the rock neither made it softer nor easier on his skin. “I could maybe see how it could get some dirt off of your body, but it seems too painful to work. Her skin usually looks nice though, so maybe I’m wrong.”

“There is a chance it could be a hair thing,” Ferris continued. “Maybe she rubs the rock in her hair? I don’t know.”

Ferris confirmed he has considered numerous reasons for why his girlfriend uses the rock in the shower, including that she has some type of skin condition, that the rock is some sort of weird tradition her family has, or that everyone uses rocks in the shower and he has been out of the loop the entire time.

“It could be for cleaning the bathtub,” said Ferris, adding he once suspected the rock was a device for making the bathroom smell nice, but then noticed it had no discernible smell whatsoever. “Like every few weekends she scrubs the tub with this rock? I guess I could see Sarah doing that.”

While Ferris said he is mostly certain that the rock was initially purchased at a home goods store of some kind, he was not able to completely rule out the possibility it was just a rock that his girlfriend found on the ground and decided to put in her shower.

“I wonder if I should put a rock in my shower for when she’s over here,” said Ferris, who said he once tried to locate a rock at a Bed Bath & Beyond, but left after not wanting to walk up to a sales clerk and ask them where they kept their “shower rocks.” “Or I could just tell her to leave a rock at my place if she wants.”

“I’m probably not going to do that,” Ferris added.

At press time, a visibly perplexed Ferris had seen the rock sitting in Milstein’s trashcan and then looked in the shower to see another rock sitting in its place.

[rubitrightintomyeyes]

[acakewalkofcrocodiles]

I think about this article every time I shower

[mattandjones]

When ur hair won’t listen to you and its a mess and ur just like ???? I grew you myself??? I gave you life and this is how you repay me??

[emmyinabox]

hi tumblr here is your requisite hair update pic