how did i JUST FIND OUT that killuaās japanese va described killua as her first love when she was a child and even cosplayed him with a friend who cosplayed matching gon ???? this woman is so fucking real for this
This post is sort of a sequel to this answer I gave an asker, wherein I said that an overarching theme in Killua's ability to situate himself and understand the world around him is constant social categorization. It's also a very direct extension of this post about how he sees Nanika in relation to his own self-perception and the way in which he treats her as a result of projection.
Originally that second post was actually meant to be the ultimate conclusion to this one (i've been sitting on this draft for close to a year atp). So it's a little embarrassing to post this without it as a closerāthis feels unfinished as a resultābut I'll link it in the relevant section where it should've been read anyway, and you can take it or leave it. If you do read it and see parts I paraphrased or directly copy-pasted from very early points in this meta, that's why lol. I'm lazy and didn't want to rewrite thoughts I had already articulated in my notes app, nor did I want to leave the anon hanging for however long it would take to polish this up.
Eli, this is long as fuck. Why do you care this much?
Well, why does anyone care about anything? I like yapping. This is the yapping website. Take this as your warning that this is going to be LENGTHY, btw
But the main reason I started thinking about this and writing it down so long ago is the pervasive perception within the fandom that Killua is very logical, and that this demeanor of his is a deliberate contrast to Gonās impulsivity, reliance on instinct, and tendency to operate based on emotion. This makes the audience trust his word even when everything surrounding him is working to tell you heās an unreliable source of narration, including the aloof overpowered rival-deuteragonist archetype heās subverting, which people seem to recognize in every other way but this for some reason. His family directly spells out to the audience that heās way too emotional and volatile to be considered perfect, despite the golden child gambitā
āand while the Zoldycks are all stinky fucking liars as far as whether the audience should trust them or not, I do think they know what theyāre talking about in terms of suitability to be an assassin. And Zeno is ostensibly supposed to be the "sane one," regardless of how you feel about that.
Even so, I think that itās a really easily digestible and also not unpopular view here on tumblr to acknowledge that not only is Killua very often illogical, heās also not less emotional than Gon just because he tends to analyze more information before making a decision. Itās not a hot take to say that Killua POV Syndrome is the source of a lot of mischaracterization for both of them and their relationship. Still, I rarely see anyone talk about the specific ways in which heās illogical, identify an underlying pattern between each instance, and connect it to his arc and the very unsubtle metaphors that punctuate it as a whole. So thatās kind of what Iām aiming for here, just to present my ideas in one place so I donāt have to keep chunking them into different responses to asks.
So. 5 topics.
Projection (clarification)
Killua's Reflection
The Outlier: Gon
The In-group
The Mirror: Alluka and Nanika
1. Projection
Projection is a term I think people are well acquainted with, but I still feel the need to define it so weāre all on the same page. Itās been in the periphery of the therapy speak epidemic thatās been happening for a while now, and I want it to be clear what weāre actually talking about.
In itās most simple form, projection is the process of attributing oneās own traits or emotions to another. This is the most common way Iām going to be using the word, but there are other relevant intricacies:
Originally, it was conceived as a way of ego defense and emotional suppression or denial. For example, the first formally documented case of projection was in a 1895 letter in which Sigmund Freud described a woman who was avoiding confronting feelings of shame by insisting that neighbors were gossiping unjustly behind her back. This form wherein the person projecting recognizes an emotion or action as condemnable in themself but is unwilling to reflect on it, and then attributes that same trait to someone else so it is āsafeā to judge, remains the more popular conception of projection. Freud is a whole can of worms and me referencing him is supposed to be more of a history lesson than a concession of legitimacy. And in terms of talking about projection, I do think the type he describes exists and I do think itās useful for the purposes of this post to use his name in reference to it.
Contemporarily, projection is understood more benignly as being a part of theory of mind (the ability to parse the intentions and mental states of other people separately from oneās own). This type has many different forms which manifest healthily during stages of psychological development or interaction, such as a child learning to perform empathy by recognizing and interpreting familiar experiences or expressions in others. That specific process, however, is more often referred to as mentalization, wherein āā¦there is little distortion of the other personās mind because there is no automatic equation of it with the mind of the observer..." though it is still considered a form of projection because it requires using your own experiences to determine that of another.
All of these definitions are relevant because Killua does all three. He imposes his own traits onto other people even if itās not necessarily warranted, projects the judgement of his shameful aspects onto those around him to avoid confronting them (Freudian), and uses his own experiences to mentalize with targets chosen based on his own self-perception.
2. Killuaās Reflection
Iām sure everyone interested enough in Hunter x Hunter to be reading metas on it already knows about Killuaās shit self-esteem and where it comes from. Itās something that doesnāt really need to be restated. Nonetheless, I feel an aspect of it is necessary for what I want to say.
A lot of Killuaās emotional conflicts within the story stem from a desperate need to disprove what Illumi said to him in the exchange that disqualified him from the first arc's exam.
At this point Killua has actually seen and experienced things that contradict what Illumi is saying. But in this case, even with all of these new experiences and people on his side, Killua finds he canāt disagree with his big brother. After all, itās backed up by some pretty irrefutable proofāmore than Killua has.
For example, Killuaās reaction to Gon being completely unbothered in this conversationā¦
Alternate translation from the 2011 anime is: "That's weird... People only like me because they can't ever tell whether I'm serious." (Viz is my worst enemy for early HxH and should be yours too)
ā¦corroborates 2 things:
Killua has approached people (outside of the Zoldyck estate) in the past, whether to be friends or to cure boredom
Upon being told about his family, these people either reacted poorly or with disbelief. Then he was ostracized or became disinterested
Killua doesnāt seem too bothered by this all things considered, and thatās because it reinforces his familyās emotional isolation, so itās expected and he has no reason to think it's abnormal or worry over it. Killua is told heās incapable of friendship because of who he is and how he was raised, and then every relationship he has ends before it can begin precisely because of those reasons. From his perspective, his family are objectively correct. Every time Killua talks to anyone, he may as well be proving that gravity eventually makes things fall down. He just kept trying because he was that desperate for friends who liked HIM, not his cute kid routine.
What his family have done is effectively created a rigid in-group that defines Killua and his capacity for interaction outside of that group. This has overlap with the typical notion of āout-group biasā which, when you google it, specifically brings up the mechanisms of bigotry. Iām referring to it in the more neutral tone associated with social identity theory, which has to do with socially assigned and defined traits valued via comparison (often moral comparison), and the desire to belong to an identity group that is valued positively by the majority.
The funny thing about the Zoldycks is that they do seem to teach their kids to some extent that murder is wrong and will be perceived as wrong by the out-group. But at the same time, a caveat is created: the reason why the in-group (their family) can and should engage in it is because it is in their nature. Asking Zoldycks not to murder is like asking a cat not to meow; they can do it simultaneously because of the familyās value-specific superiority and their moral inferiorityāthat they're good at what they do and inherently bad at what everyone else does. āWe are the only ones who could ever love or understand you, you donāt need Them.ā Not only is it isolating, itās dehumanizing, and something like this is a classic tactic used to trap people.
Doesnāt work on Killua though! He swings in a counterintuitive direction by wanting acceptance from the out-group instead of withdrawing back to his safe, rejection-free in-group. I think that has to do with the fact that heās also othered from that in-group in some manner.
Killua is part of the family, yet heās the golden child. As of present, the entire operation revolves around him. Heās shown blatant favoritism: Illumi and Kikyo are obsessed with him, Zeno justifies preferential treatment when called on it, Silva is very lenient with him, and the butlers weāve seen seem to all have some preference as well. The rest of his siblings may as well be invisible while heās around. Heās not just a Zoldyck, heās the heir. And with the amount of control exerted over him because of it, thereās an easy connection to make that being the familyās pet prodigy had a big hand in crafting Killuaās oppositional personality.
So funnily enough, by singling him out, the Zoldycks kind of guaranteed that Killua would start to suspect that heās not actually a part of their in-groupāfueling his desire to be normal (read: actually belong somewhere) and turn his search outward. Their tradition got too big and began cannibalizing itself. Put a pin in this because weāre returning to it later.
Going back to what Illumi actually said to Killua, during the fourth phase Killua both compares himself with Gon:
ā¦and is absolutely baffled by the fightās turn:
ā¦which are things Illumi addressesāthat one day, Killua will start evaluating Gon as an opponent, and that Gon confuses him. Though heās using these to gaslight him into doubting his own emotions and desires, what Illumi says is all true to Killua.
Gon does confuse him because, unlike every other social interaction heās ever had, Gon doesnāt reinforce what his family has said to him. Gon is not considered āthe out-groupā by Killua; he does not behave in the way Killua has seen and was taught the out-group behaves, so he must not have their same values. Most importantly, he likes Killua for who he is as an individual, not his proficiency at the things valued by his in-group, which makes him feel like an actual person and like he could potentially belong somewhere. Gon is dismantling the mechanisms of Killuaās abuse byā¦ basically just being a silly little guy. And though obviously Killua isnāt aware of that specifically, he does feel itās effects.
So when Illumi pops up and basically goes āYeah, all that is a fluke. An outlier. I know how you think, this is what you were just doing, and youāre deluding yourself,ā Killua has no argument because Gon is an outlier; the one person thatās not part of the out-group or the in-group.
And then Illumi goes and puts the final nail in the coffin by forcing him to surrender, thereby allowing Gon to die and "proving" him right in that he's incapable of connection. So he does whatās expected of a murderer then goes home.
Of course, Gon storms the castle anyway, but this exchange still haunts Killua. He believes Illumi is still right. There is still the in-group, the outgroup, and Gon.
This is the kind of thinking that Killua brings into every relationship he has and, despite wanting so badly to prove Illumi wrong, he uses these preconceptions in order to side step actually confronting it. Killua doesnāt like thinking about the possibility of Illumi being correct. He doesnāt want to; he gets genuinely upset, sometimes angry, when reminded of it (think his outburst with Nobunaga in Yorknew), and itās hard for him to engage with the idea when it comes up. But proving Illumi wrong in any substantial manner would mean thinking about it.
Similarly to Gon assigning Killua the role of āthe cool-headed one who keeps me in check,ā Killua takes Illumiās evaluations of their relationship and twists them into something he can operate off of. In his head, heās assigned Gon the role of āthe outlier" which Illumi described, but views Gonās uniqueness optimistically instead of misanthropically. As a result, Killua ends up pouring his self-worth into being useful to Gon. He doesnāt really know how else to get people to want him around, and as long as Gon is around, Illumi is wrong.
Though Killua is doing this in order to prove so, heās not actually fully rejecting Illumiāitās very psychologically shallow because the foundation of it still relies on Illumiās assessments. Doing this lets Killua avoid having to do overwhelming hard work in either self-evaluation or examination of his upbringingāironically reinforcing what Illumi wants, which is to constantly run away from problems he canāt handle.
When I say Killua is avoiding having to do hard work on reflection, I donāt mean that in a negative way. Actually deconstructing all this would take years of grueling emotional labor to do, and Killua is a child. So instead, he applies this faulty worldview in ways that make him happy, and thatās better than nothing. Thereās genuinely no other option for him at this point in the story and it would obviously be silly to condemn him for it.
This is the basis of his projection; a habitual avoidance of confronting difficult emotions or ideas and an application of traits onto people regardless of fitness to reinforce itāloosely Freudian. Itās because of this that the the reoccurring motif of often literal fight or flight is so important to Killuaās character and is so deeply entrenched in his development, beyond the physical prowess to defeat strong opponents or even just growing out of being an assassin. It's a metaphor for him learning to start actually unpacking his abuse.
3. The Outlier: Gon
Because the way he perceives himself has been molded by alienation, Killua has some difficulty mentalizing with people he sees as belonging to an out-groupāinstead relying on analysis and pattern recognition to mimic that function and compensate. This usually works out for him because heās a smart kid, but not always, especially when thereās no pre-established pattern (such as that time he thinks himself into a hole during the Greed Island player selection process).
There are a few examples of Killuaās difficulty to mentalize with people heās already decided are unlike him, but a lot of them can be simultaneously attributed to apathy or practicality, so I donāt want to say anything definitive. In that same vein, Killua also seems to have a rough time getting along with peers and certain authority figures in general, which is a result of many intersecting things, some having to do with projectionāfor example, Iām reasonably certain his difficulties with older women come from family misogyny and his own disdain for his motherāand some not.
Despite these varying reasons, I feel confident in saying mentalizing with assigned out-groups is something Killua struggles with because Gon, the person he spends most of the series glued at the hip with, is the single biggest example and indication of it.
As mentioned, Gon confuses the hell out of Killua at first. This subsides as the series goes onāhe begins to understand Gon very well behaviorally, enough to accurately predict and describe himābut it returns in the Chimera Ant Arc when Gonās previously reliable patterns start to shift and Killua has no idea how to deal with it. This gulf of dark and light heās invented between them causes Killua to simultaneously project heavily onto Gon and understand him as someone so alien that he often completely misses Gonās greater motivations (and cannot actually internalize his affections, though thatās not unique to the ant arc).
His perception of Gon is so wrapped in his perception of himself that arguably one of Killuaās most dramatic and iconic little internal monologues (āyou are lightā) occurs right after an emotional low point where heās obviously feeling guilty and wondering whether heās capable of performing his assigned role in their friendship, then is urged to no longer think about it (avoidance).
In the CAA, Killua is constantly having these beliefs heās trying to dodge nailed in not only by the adults around him but also his own actions. And, when Bisky confronts him with (what he hears as) the possibility that Gonās mere presence isnāt enough to prove Illumi wrong and Killua will end up essentially killing him regardless, he becomes resigned to the idea that he is unfixable up until he rips that needle out of his brain.
Removing Illumiās needle results in a high point for his esteem primarily because it forced Killua to actually linger and, again, think about Illumi and his abuse. It was a huge confrontation both physically and mentally, he did it by himself without any of his psychological crutches, and coming out on top built his confidence to the point where his mood/behavior changed enough for Gon to notice. But it didnāt erase his unease about their relationship.
As Killua begins to feel less stable in his self-appointed roles, Gon also starts to break down and starts prioritizing revenge on Pitou. Alone. And this makes Killua also feel less stable in Gonās role as the outlier. Similarly to the woman who invents gossiping neighbors to avoid addressing shame, Killua invents judgement from his best friend to internally avoid addressing his internalized alienation. He ends up worrying that Gon will ostracize him and assuming the worst, when previously he thought he'd be the only one who wouldn't do that. He becomes hyper-observant of any possible rejection.
And heās not worried about moral rejection like he used to be! Because when Palm is introduced, it becomes evident that the rejection Killua is worried about is revealed to be his emotional value to Gon. Whether Killua is as important to Gon as Gon is important to Killuaāwhether his feelings, romantic or otherwise, are reciprocated.
Then with Palm, these insecurities take the form of pretty stereotypical projection in the form of jealousy and cattiness, even after the whole dating thing is finishedā¦
ā¦and leads to his meltdown right in front of her, during which the narrative acknowledges and makes him finally voice these insecurities.
Like, when Gon says āLetās go,ā Killua immediately spirals into worrying what Gon means by it in terms of his value. Whether they are ājust teammatesā or something more.
And when Gon tells Killua āThis has nothing to do with you,ā he can verbally acknowledge that Gon is not being deliberately nasty, but it still hits him like a truck anyway. His true understanding of the situation, regardless of what he thinks logically, is that he is being ejected from their friendshipāthat Killua, who defines his personhood according to the roles assigned by both himself and Gon, is no longer wanted and no longer belongs anywhere.
A sign of disordered or delayed ability to mentalize in a childāappropriately, due to abuse or atypical attachmentāis not being able to separate their own reaction from the intentions of their caregiver during a reprimand or some similar interaction. This is relevant in that Killua has placed Gon into a position with an inordinate (and frankly unfair) amount of emotional authority upon which heās reliant for comfort and affirmation. Killuaās theory of mind is impaired in relation to Gon not only as is normal due to strong emotions, but also his projecting onto what Gon thinks, which is a result of othering himself from him.
4. The In-group
I think the above isā¦ fairly obvious, and also a super unoriginal observation. But itās made rhetorically useful by itās converse: the fact that Killua has a really easy time mentalizing with people that are inhuman, whether morally or literally. Iāll rapid-fire a few examples because theyāre pretty self-explanatoryā¦
Killua recognizes Hisokaās intentions because ā[heās] like himā.
More Hisoka parallels, this time including Gon
(Iām convinced a lot of these are with Hisoka because Togashi still wanted us to hang onto the abundance of āKillua will turn heelā red herrings in the early story. Small tangent, but during the exam Togashi loved to separate Killua from Gon, Kurapika, and Leorio in various ways, often physically, in part to encourage the audience to other him so that these red herrings would be extremely prominent even during Heavenās Arena. But I think a Watsonian analysis is also fitting)
This one is shakier because itās primarily an ethical debate which Gon and Bisky chime in on as well, but I thought it was good to include as part of a broader pattern since he specifically brings up moral values and how they define in-groups.
Killua empathizes with Ikalgo right after being willing to murder him lmfao. It's notable the way in which he starts checking around this time if the ants/people he's fighting are douchebags or not (do they have the right social identity or not?), which seemingly justifies killing them.
(I think itās really interesting that the upper page centers Killuaās hands during the setup for a realization about Meruem hurting himself for the sake of a āspecial someone." It's like Killua's equivalent to Gon's "[You'd hurt yourself] when... you can't forgive yourself.")
The reason why this occurs has to do with the defined social identities created by his family and the immediate biases/prejudices associated with them. Because of how Killua has dehumanized himself in accordance with these traits, he is pre-disposed to extending understandingāwhether that be actual compassion or simple insightātoward characters who are othered as monstrous in-universe (and by the audience, where itās used as a narrative tool by Togashi) because these experiences of being alienated from the vast majority are most familiar and sensical to him.
This becomes pretty obvious to me when you take into account that Killuaās only friends other than Gon, Leorio, and Kurapikaāor at least the only other people he actually calls his friendsāare chimera ants (and, in the case of Palm, she was very much ostracized even when she was a human including by Killua himself). Characters like these are relatable and make someone part of an in-group, whether he likes it or not.
On that last point, I want to bring up this observation and comment made by himā¦
ā¦because while this observation from Killua comes about naturally due to Pitouās behavior during this confrontation, the comment about protecting not being in their nature sticks out to me as somewhat uncharacteristic. It feels distinctly very emotionally charged in the midst of a scene where Killua is deliberately trying to remain calm and impartial for the sake of Gon (exercizing the role Gon gave to him).
Part of this is definitely because Pitou has been symbolized to these kids for what they did to Kite, but Pitou also has a LOT of parallels with Killua as a result of them both being intrinsically intertwined with the questions of nature Togashi brings up in Hunter x Hunter. Killua is āby nature a murderer,ā Pitou is āby nature incapable [of this action]ā; I believe they are very deliberate foils, so itās interesting to hear Killua think things about Pitou that Illumi once said to him.
Itās also worthwhile to note that the role Pitou was born into and the role Killua gives himself are essentially the same, Guard, and that Meruem and Gon mean similar things to them (of course, there is the ālight that illuminates allā/āyou are lightā comparison, but more abstractly, both Meruem and Gon represent the Antsā/Killuaās potential for expansion/evolutionāin the food chain and in life/purpose respectivelyāand are protected as such). They also abide by this role with almost the exact same amount of devotion; we see this in the way Pitou crying over being trusted with something so important to Meruem (healing Komugi) is a parallel to how Killua was so impacted by being relied upon for an important task to Gon (holding the dodgeball).
Killua definitely doesnāt consider any similarities consciously the way he does with Hisoka, Ikalgo, or through mentalization with Meruem, but when he is thinking this of Pitou, heās looking at a narrative foil, which I find telling. I think itās a very classic case of Freudian projection.
5. The Mirror: Alluka and Nanika
All this brings me to what I want to talk at length about, which I suppose you can already guess because I gave it away in the section heading.
Killuaās relationship with his sisters has always been fascinating to me because theyāre probably the only people in the world he would genuinely consider as sharing his precise in-group. Not just the Zoldyck family in-group, but the Killua in-group. And it really effects the way he thinks during the Election Arc.
Iāve tried my best to neatly separate Alluka and Nanika into their own sections, but itās still going to be sorta all over the place (moreso than this analysis already is) mostly because right now Killua still hasnāt totally figured out that Alluka and Nanika are basically two whole different people. Heās certainly much closer to that than the rest of his family considering he actually makes a distinction between them, but heās still not treating Nanika like an individual at this point in the story. And thatās super important to the way he projects onto them, so itās going to be a little messy. Sorry in advance
Alluka
Remember that pin I told you to save for later? Now is later.
Alluka and Nanika sit at the table with Killua in being othered not only by the defined out-group (due to just being a Zoldyck), but by the people who were supposed to be The In-groupā¢ in the first place: his family. Of course, Allukaās situation is very different and accelerated faster than a racecar the second Nanika stopped being a secret, but evidently she was kept secret for a reason. Killua was already extremely astute even at the age when these events were happening, and probably assessed (accurately) that there would be huge drama if Nanika were ever discovered; he even went so far as to keep hiding things about how her powers worked long after the gig was up. It would be kind of stating the obvious to say someone who does all that isnāt someone who considers his sister(s) normal according to in-group standards. Otherwise there wouldnāt have been a secret at all.
The reason why Killua got along with his sister(s) so well pre-lockup and pre-needle was most likely because he was already being socially separated from his siblings as the family heir. He then took comfort from Alluka in knowing he wasnāt the only āweirdā one, even if no one but him knew that yet, and projected onto her (making decisions about Nanika for her that reflect his own wishesāto keep her secret so that no one would treat her differently)
Itās partially this same projection (i say partially because itās also, like, basic compassion) that makes Killua so mad when Alluka is outright excludedānot just symbolically, but legitimatelyāfrom the family.
He himself strives desperately to be ānormalā/belong somewhere, and that āsomewhereā includes his own family, though at this point he obviously has more complicated emotions about it. He wants to be understood and accepted by them without being smotheredāeven Illumi, when he tests Killua to make a wish that would kill him, is included in this desire. In Killuaās ideal world, the Zoldycks would be on good terms with each other and act ānormalā; a fantasy from a childhood whose corpse he still drags around because he doesnāt recognize that heās been abused beyond being helicoptered and needled. Alluka herself shares this:
Itās one more thing they have in common. And, like he does when Illumi spoke in his head during Yorknew or when he said he didnāt actually want anything during the Exam, Killua gets angry when this fantasy is denied. He becomes confrontational in a way he usually wouldnāt otherwise.
I feel itās notable that Killua does not contradict Allukaās idea that if she were gone, everyone would get along more. Not because I think he believes it, but because I think he also doesnāt know the answer. So instead, he pivots into comforting her another way. And crucially, itās by using something he can understand: that there is a special outlier who loves her even if she doesnāt belong anywhere, and as long as theyāre together she doesnāt have to worry about it.
Cool. All thatās pretty easy to get. But it gets more complicated, because it always does.
When Killua returns for Alluka, he returns because he needs to save Gon. And with Gon comes all the baggage associated with him.
Despite the deconstruction of the dark/light dichotomy with him during the CAA, Killua remains identified with a ānonhumanā-aligned in-group only he belongs to, and continues judging himself accordingly. Itās a position that still puts a wall of glass between him and the majority out-group, and leaves him uncomfortably othered in the Zoldyck in-group. Gon was the all-important, miraculous outlier that made him be able to live with it, the one person that made him feel like he belonged somewhere even if it wasnāt on the basis of being in the same moral in-group. The exception to the rule of ostracization. But he knows better now. And while thatās really good progress because it begins to demystify Gon (who deserves to be understood), it leaves him in a very fragile state when confronting his family because that role was a lynchpin for upholding the psychological anti-Illumi safety net he built after the Hunter Exam.
Ultimately, this leaves Killua in a situation where his sisters can uniquely reaffirm this unhealthy superego because he can project onto them in ways he canāt with anyone else.
By saddling himself with the lone responsibility to heal Gon as a way to atone for failing to perform his roleāan insecurity magnified by āthis has nothing to do with youāāKillua is paralleling Gonās guilt complex to a degree (as he does throughout the entire story, but it feels especially prominent here). Where they differ is that Gonās apology and the validation of his emotions Killua will get from that is the relief from guilt he seeks, not the self-destruction Gon does.
In Killuaās head, they both failed their roles in their friendshipāKillua didnāt end up being of any use to Gon in the end, and Gon ended up ostracizing Killuaāso Killua vows to do his part again as long as Gon does so as well.
In a way, this is him acknowledging both his emotional understanding and his logical understanding of that exchange in the palaceāthat Gon didnāt mean what he said and did (thereby expecting him to apologize), but it still hurt him (he wants an apology anyway). This apology isnāt about blaming Gon for what he did or even really holding him responsibleāwhich is why he can tease him lightheartedly about it laterāitās more about Killuaās own emotions. Heās standing up for himself! Which is an indication of a maturing theory of mind.
Some people read this panel with an undercurrent of Killua meaning this will be the last time he helps Gon in this wayāand I understand where that comes from due to the fact that they separate afterward, and donāt really have an objective counterargument. So take this next part with a grain of salt, but I really donāt think thatās true. Killua isnāt the type to do thatā¦ I donāt even think itās in his brain to separate from Gon right now. This is just Killua deciding that he needs to start laying down boundaries and paying attention to what he really wants in their relationship outside of being useful. Itās an out-loud admission of how deeply he cares, to the point where he can no longer wholly process or justify it as a transaction, as he does with most forms of love for self-evident reasons. Itās the beginnings of him learning about unconditionality. This is a huge step.
Soā¦. where does it sour?
Well, Killua is faced with a similar sort of guilt brought on by role-failure (the role being ābig brotherā) when he comes to retrieve Allukaā¦
Whether you believe āWas it because Illumi was manipulating me?ā is Togashi giving the audience a hint or this line being pure in-universe speculation, it doesnāt quite matter, because Killua feels the same about it at the end of the day: guilt and shame.
Though he apologizes to Alluka for this and she readily accepts it, itās obvious these feelings continue to gnaw at him throughout the entire arc. It retroactively chips down the work he did back at the hospital, since they are the same emotion with similar catalysts.
I say this because I feel like you can infer that his guilt over these two separate but similar things bleeds together by the way Killua, when talking to himself, tends to refer to the two āsavingsā in conjunction. You could totally say Iām onto nothing because one is a result of the other so no shit theyāre related, but I think itās significant to this discussion.
Specifically the last exchange also serves as a way for Killua to verbally reassure Alluka of her importance to him. The fact that he thinks this is necessary also shows to me that, again, heās still feeling guilty for it, even though Alluka never indicates that she holds it against him. These panels further reaffirm this belief of mine:
ā¦because Killua is planning to permanently put Nanika to sleep so that Alluka can āspend more time with himā (in the words she herself uses when complaining about it), which indicates that, again, it is something he feels horrible forāand that he sees Nanika in a very particular way which assigns fault to her that doesnāt quite exist, but weāll get to it soon.
What Iām trying to say here is that because saving Alluka is inseparable from saving Gon, so too becomes the magnified things he feels over not being able to do either of these things beforehand. So successfully defending Alluka becomes way for him to relieve this now-compounded guilt and reassure himself that heās still capable of fulfilling his self-assigned roles. If he can do that, he can still belong somewhere. Heāll still be worthy of love.
To summarize, Killua not only related to Alluka when she was youngāmaking her very easy to project ontoābut also the situation calls for Killua to see her as an extension of his best friend, which only rubs salt into the wound and serves to make him more irrational about it since Killua is still seeking redemption and reparation for the breakdown in the CAA.
Considering all the progress Killua has made, this is a relatively hard relapse. It makes sense, though; just look at whatās happening! Illumi has been the main catalyst for all this agonizing, the person whose assessments heās developed a pathological need to simultaneously prove wrong and also avoid thinking about altogether. Now heās got to stare that person in the face with everything on the line and tell him to fuck off.
This is the needle yank prelude on steroids for Killuaāa magnification of that time when he was constantly teetering on the edge of ditching and clinging to Gon based on how useful he saw himself. Back then, when Bisky pointed out that he was putting Gon in danger, he decided that he had to leave. So, when his brother uses Nanika to put Alluka in danger, Killua decides Nanika has to leave. For a little while, Illumi becomes unconquerable again, and Killua regresses back into running away.
Nanika
This is where I leave you with this post to read as the conclusion. The readmore is actually pretty relevant, whereas it wasn't when I was answering the anon. Underwhelming, I know. Whatever man.
I really am sorry for how long it is. Tumblr yelled at me 5 times about the image limit, I had to improvise. Being super succinct without leaving out everything I want to say is a skill I do not have. Regardless, thanks for reading and hopefully this was at least a little interesting!
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