Efforts in Projection
I fell between the sheets of slumber, at 6am this morning. The light began to peer between each blind, & I felt more comfort in this light than in the evening, when there is darkness. I cannot recall my dreams as I haven't for days - though I remember feeling love. Spiritual love & warmth amidst my rest. It was 1pm when I awoke & immediately, my mind began to wander what has led me here. What has led me to this space & this time, to this existence & if this present need & front of mind perspective of growing spiritually, will subside. The thought frightens me. I walk around during the day in public now, as if I question what this all means. I am aware, there are not many who listen nor believe my spiritual awakening, & that does not matter a great deal- but it is such a grand thing I feel must be kept to myself. I planted my feet for the day, & quickly urged myself to get dressed, & to go for a walk. It was as I left the door my back began to physically feel discomfort. I told myself this walk would alleviate any negativity or isolation I have been battling inside. I thought of my counterpart the entire walk, & in just love - yet such pain, I wondered if he feels as down as I. If he has truly decided to give up on me, & what he isn't telling me for fear of worldly vulnerability. I found bits of light & positivity along the way - & they fluttered so beautifully inside, that when the pain surfaced once again, I pleaded this peace not to go. I meditated in the soil behind my apartment, gathering words inside my mind for how beautiful the trees are, how the two birds who seem to be lovers - stay close one another, while all the same- one left & flew away. It reminded me of this life & how quickly things change. How I know I am not of this world- as none of us are but this hurts. This uncertainty in my undying love, it hurts. Each time I allow myself to embody & embrace this pain, it is so overwhelming & unbearing that I shake my head in anger, & can no longer remember what is rational & what is not. It is as if the most difficult equation, but there in fact, is a way to triumph with answers. Alas, those answers are not for today. I gathered myself, collectively & rationalized once more. A beam of light, & of love inside as if a ton of bricks hit my soul- I felt compelled extend a millionth time my care, to my counterpart. I greeted him after no physical presence in 3 days, with things sentimental & of compassion. With honesty in no expectation, the only thing I felt compelled, was to leave as a smile found his beautiful face. It did. We hugged, & for that 10 seconds I felt more home inside of his arms than I have since we parted. Upon my departure, he stood silently for a few seconds, & he sunk below the concrete he stood upon. I went home, & refused to allow my arms to leave me- as I held myself with closed eyes, feeling what I'd only just felt with him. It isn't the same. There is light, there has to be light. There has to be reason & there has to be a way. I am feeling as though I am slipping further away from perspective & growth- while I know the same, I am the embodiment of both those things. There are no answers, yet again- not tonight. There is energy, there is projection, & I am trying, my how I am trying.