A Journey

Ive been a heroin addict for over ten years now. im 26. This is my journey of getting clean and bettering my life.

[empireofnight-blog]

im at 110ml of methadone, im going back to the doctors on tuesday to go up another 10ml. thats as high as im going to go.

i have to find something to do during the days. now that im not just making money and buying dope, what is there to do? if i sit around and do nothing, i end up just wanting to do a shot... so i dunno, ill start...painting more i think, doing photography.. maybe try to get what im going thru, down onto another medium...hmm ya thats a good idea...

i still use everyday,  i have cut down -alto- though, so i think i can cut it pretty much out really soon.  wish me luck

[empireofnight-blog]

i need a hair cut. i havent been to a hair dresser in over ten years..

[empireofnight-blog]

im at 110ml of methadone. i can go the night and feel ok, but like, afternoon i kinda feel like shit. im not sure if thats just the urge of the habit tho. but now that i can go without having to use, i gotta work on not wanting to use, finding other things to occupy my mind, my time and space.

[empireofnight-blog]

im at 105ml of methadone now, i can almost go thru the night feeling fine, i think when i go up another 10 on tuesday ill be good. and then i can start focusing on other things. i want to get my g.e.d. so that would be my first step i guess

[empireofnight-blog]

So I didn't get any dope yesterday or today. just my methadone. im at 95ml, and I still feel really shitty, I cant wait till im at a high enough dose that I can sit at home and not be sick. I cant wait till I can not have the urge to use all the time.  

[empireofnight-blog]

friday

so I saw my doctor this morning, im up to 85ml, I go back on Tuesday to go up another 10ml. I think im getting close to the right does, I have been cutting back on the amount of dope I have been using,  so hopefully I wont need to go so high. im gonna stay at 100ml for a week or so and see how I feel without doing any dope for 24 hours

[empireofnight-blog]

today

went up to 75ml methadone yesterday. apparently theres a new rule here that after you hit 80ml, you can only go up once a week. I think that's really stupid. if im not high enough on my drink, im just going to go out and buy more dope. that's how OD's happen.

But I didn't go out and pick up last night. felt shitty in the morning. but ok.

by the time 3pm came around I went and grabbed. am I upset with myself? no. I know this is a process and that I cant just stop, as much as id like to. but I am ready to take my life back under control...im ready to ha\/e a life again.

[empireofnight-blog]

past

My mother kicked me out of her apartment when I was 13, my father had already passed away a few years before. I didn't want to be in a foster home. At the time, every adult I knew treated me like I was a disease, so I knew I didn't want to go to a foster home, I was tired of other people making shitty choices for me. I decided that if I was going to do something, I would make the choice myself, good or bad. So in the autumn of my 13 year, I started living on the streets. 

[empireofnight-blog]

starting

So ive started on methadone a few weeks ago. im only at 65ml. im probably going to need to be at atleast 100ml's before I can stop using. I go see my doctor again on Tuesday to go up another 10 ml.

its snowing outside, but I have to go out and make money so I can pick up.

I cant wait till im clean.