I've got huge meat in all the wrong places

what up I'm Em, I'm 29, and I never fucking learned how to chill

[b0nkcreat]

just told my mom i was gonna freak it sensitive style and she hyped me up with “ooh quiet down…. quiet down..” while i was dancing

[b0nkcreat]

live reenactment

[b0nkcreat]

happy almost 80 thousand (?!?!??!?!!) notes to this post. Please stop asking to date my mom she is already married to the grind

[emrysalways]

Artificially flavored dick breath

[emrysalways]

I dont think people were quite ready for this before, let's test the waters a bit.

[shymagnolia]

so I got into grad school today with my shitty 2.8 gpa and the moral of the story is reblog those good luck posts for the love of god

[shymagnolia]

okay so i just got my dream job??? a week after applying to it?? and now i’m thinking….maybe this is the good luck post

[flagellant]

…..not even six hours later i got an offer of a well paying full time long-term job with free room and board in queens in nyc, allowing me independence and a way to escape an abusive situation and an unhealthy environment

likes charge reblogs cast, folks, this is the good luck post

[coffee-or-hot-cocoa]

i need all the help i can get for finals

[finnglas]

Hey so

the last time I reblogged this post right before I got a great job, in a permanent work-from-home position, with benefits, retirement, and a salary literally 3x what I was making before, doing something I really like. 

So you know. 

This might be the real one, y’all.

[actualverso]

Give salary increase and wfh plz

[catandcrown]

Would really enjoy work stability

[emrysalways]

Got one of those book nook building sets to help develop my fine motor skills and attention span.

Realized each of those tiny books had to be individually wrapped with a book cover sticker.

I'm halfway through this laborious process when I actually start reading the book titles.

How the hell did they get away with this

[hungwy]

aquarium advertisments say stuiff like discover the longtooth grouper this friday

[tyrannosaurusrachh]

I see that, and raise you my local aquarium's advertising.

[twofingerswhiskey]

Vancouver Aquarium has similar ads!

They also have some SERIOUSLY inventive ones:

(High and Low Tide ^)

[draconic-alchemy]

the only type of advertising that should exist: "ooooohhhh you want to come look at the animal"

[grandpayaoi]

new rule you have to live to be 34. you cant kill yourself until you turn 34. jesus died at 33 you can do better

[grandpayaoi]

this is a common law btw. you can check it out by looking up 'rule 34'

[fifty-fired-fay]

Dear God there's pussy here

[ivy-michaels]

That’s the other reason you can’t kill yourself

[queermania]

good news i'm the most fuckable person at this vehicular manslaughter

[sheepinthebigcity]

Kills you with the Mr beast gun. To the left you’ll See the gubble.

[tiktoks-for-dead-pope]

[domina-honoribila]

Have you ever seen such a blissfully stupid creature in your life

[mag-agenttorture]

Every day when I look in the mirror

[yg-ou-deactivated20180202]

the entire mario party cast shows up at my funeral

[catwithbenefits]

Waluigi looks like he’s trying to hide his excitement

[slowbrodawg]

It’s okay i left him everything in my will

[valtsv]

[suiheisen]

i watch baseball for the side quests

[dappergamelord]

throwback to 2021 when the exact same player started doing this extended water bottle bincoculars sight gag in the dugout

[stuckinnet]

this is the same guy who also made himself a fruit cocktail midgame. he is The manic pixie dream girl

[warriornunnery]

baseball is actually not a sport it’s just a documentary of human nature and how we battle boredom. the stuff these teams get up to while they’re waiting their turn.

and it’s hilarious when they pull pranks on each other, like attaching things to other people’s caps:

or the beloved hot foot prank:

or when they decided to put a guy’s pants over his head and make it seem like he was walking on his hands:

or when they opposing pitchers took turns playing tic tac toe every time they got on the mound:

[yokowan]

i take back everything bad i've ever said about baseball these boys can fucking Post

[charlesoberonn]

[charlesoberonn]

This post gets notes every Ides of March even though it’s not a depiction of Julius Caesar’s assassination, it’s a depiction of the emperor Caligula’s assassination, who was killed on January 24th, 41 AD.

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

Happy deathday caligula

[blurrycow]

what’s your chinese zodiac animal?

rat 🐀

ox 🐂

tiger 🐅

rabbit 🐇

dragon 🐉

snake 🐍

horse 🐴

goat 🐐

monkey 🙈

rooster 🐓

dog 🐕

pig 🐖

Voting ended onJan 28, 2024

since chinese new year is next month (Feb 10th) I figured I’d do a poll like this— it also indicates a tumblr age demographic so that’s always interesting

[kreetn]

[azurele]

It’s actually a uniform distribution! a normal distribution is bell-shaped:

[dungeondykes]

[deactivated-2040]

Sound on oh my god

[alexiaroselikethewine]

NO SERIOUSLY TURN SOUND ON

[contexfiles]

[webjay]

[Disney movie protagonist voice] yep, that's me. I'm nothing special, just your average 15-year-old. my best friend, though... that's a different story.

[cut to waterlogged corpse]