Questioning your Gender (for Trans People!)
So not long ago, I realized my gender had changed, or my relationship to it had. I went in the questioning tags, as well as tags for labels I thought might apply to me, to see if I could find stories that resonated with me. Unfortunately, at least from what I saw, most the posts in the tags for different labels were pride things, rather than people’s experiences, and ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I saw in the questioning tag was for people wondering if they were trans for the first time. So, I’m making this post, which can hopefully help out someone in the same position I was in.
It'll be split into two sections - things to ask yourself and actions to take - and each section will have things that should hopefully help you, whether you're a binary trans person wondering if you're nb, nonbinary and questioning if you're binary, or if you're nonbinary and just thinking your current label no longer fits.
When you first learned about trans people, did you decide you must be a binary trans person in an attempt to get as far away from your agab as possible?
Do you gravitate toward leaning very hard into the feminine or masculine solely or primarily so people don't see you as your agab?
When you first wondered if you were trans, did you decide you must be nb because it felt like a big leap to be the "opposite gender" or because you didn't altogether dislike having ties to your agab?
Have you told people you use any pronouns, secretly hoping they'd use a certain set of them for you, only to be let down when no one does?
When you get ready to go somewhere, how do you want people to see you? As a feminine man? A masculine woman? Do you just want them to have a hard time guessing your gender?
Imagine people saw you, with no effort on your part, as completely, wholly, the gender in question. How does that prospect make you feel?
If you feel gender envy, who do you feel it toward? Is there something your envies have in common?
How do you mentally refer to yourself in your head? Does it match with the pronouns you've asked other people to use for you?
When do you feel the most "gender"? What things make you feel like you're most in line with the gender you want to present? How does it compare to the gender you feel like you "should present" because of your label?
Do you find yourself seeing people in public and hoping that's how people see you? What aspects of that person do you hope you have in common?
If you identify as nonbinary but lean heavily to one side of the spectrum, do you think you would id as nb if you were the other agab?
If you've begun to transition (in any capacity), are there any relics of your agab you've kept? Is it because you like them, or just because you don't see them as an obstacle to your transition? (For example, if your given name is gender neutral, do you keep it because you like it and it feels like you, or because you don't think it's gendered enough to require replacing?)
If you present in a mostly neutral way, how do you feel when strangers refer to you in gendered terms?
If you have a specific label in mind, how do you think of people who use that label? How does the idea of people feeling that way about you make you feel?
If you had to choose, would you rather be a binary-gendered person who uses neutral pronouns, or a nonbinary person who uses gendered pronouns?
Are there any things marketed for the "other" gender (eg soaps, socks, underwear) that you haven't tried because you don't think you need them? Try them anyway and see how you feel about them!
Is there a name that's appealing to you, but you haven't asked anyone to use because it's too gendered, or not gendered enough? Give it a shot.
Is there anything associated with your agab that you miss? Maybe you left it behind deliberately in an attempt to be more in line with your gender, maybe you just stopped doing it without noticing. Pick it back up!
After you shower, try wearing your towel under your arms instead of around your waist or vice versa.
Experiment with things you don't need associated with the "opposite" gender, like wearing a bra or shaving your face, even if you're not on the hormones to need to do those things.
Are there pronouns you want to try, but haven't? Do it! If you want, you can send me an ask with a name and pronouns you'd like to test, and I'll write a few sentences for you using them. (If they're neopronouns, please include the full set of them so I know how to use them correctly.)
Try presenting as a binary gender, but doing it Wrong. How does it make you feel? If you already do, what part is appealing to you? Is it the wrongness or the proximity to the gender it represents? Try playing that up next time.
What specific things, if any, do you need to stop you from feeling dysphoric? Try presenting in a way that, aside from accounting for those things, is very gender neutral.
Try dressing in ways that defy gender, like a super masculine outfit with lipstick only, a very feminine outfit with masc boots and jacket and no makeup, or a masc outfit with a fem button-down, big earrings, and winged eyeliner with no other makeup.
Write a little paragraph about yourself, or even just say aloud "My name is [name], my pronouns are [pronouns], and I am [label]." How does that sound to you? How does it feel? You can supplement that by writing a little in the third person about yourself using the name and pronouns in question, like "[name] is questioning [pronoun]'s gender. [pronoun] thinks [pronoun] might be [label] or [label], but [pronoun] isn't sure. [name] is planning to experiment and see what [pronoun] likes, and suspects ultimately [pronoun] may end up using [label]."
The last piece of advice I have to give is to not focus too much on labels. Don't worry about finding the next box to put yourself in, just focus on doing what makes you feel content in yourself and your gender. Labels can come later, and when you feel like it's time, keep in mind that it's better to have a label that feels right, even if it's not a perfect description of your experience, than it is to have a label that matches perfectly and that you don't like.
Best of luck on your journey, and remember:
[ID: a post by tumblr user @a-bright-ray-of-sunshine reading "If something makes you go "!!!!!!!!!" inside, it is completely valid and worth keeping around!" End ID]