Christopher

VSCO.com/cuhristophet cuhristophet.tumblr.com

[millyredhead]

[spillthecoffeebeans-blog]

“I have been bent and broken, but — I hope — into a better shape.”

— Charles Dickens, Great Expectations (via bookmania)

[99l99]

To change your life you must change the way you think.

[m-haitch]

“I wish that I could leave myself alone. I wish that I could finally feel that I punished myself enough.”

— Carrie Fisher, The Princess Diarist

[engchris]

Update: October 2, 2016

I really hope I get accepted into my MBA/MS program. When I entered college as a freshman for my Bachelor’s degree, I had very little assurance of what I wanted to do in life. I hardly even enjoyed the subject I was majoring in. I chose Philosophy going into college because my university didn’t have Theology. Around my late sophomore year, I decided I needed to switch into something more tangible and realistic. I knew I wanted to graduate within four years, so I had to look for a major that had synonymous class requirements with my current major. Eventually I ended up graduating a business major and that was that.

The difference with my MBA/MS program would be my opportunity to do things right. I know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life, I know exactly what I want to study, and I know that I want to be outgoing and network. I want to enjoy my time and actually enjoy what I’m learning in class. I took a look at the course curriculum the other day and, for the first time, actually got excited about the topics that I would be learning about. I would have the opportunity not only to continue to better myself, but have the reassurance that what I’m learning is meaningful to me. 

I’ve always taken a stern look at what others thought about me, and used that to judge how I should direct my lifestyle. But I think I’m done with that. No more taking crap from people, and no more not doing what I want because I’m there only one who finds interest in it.

I’m just what you made, God. 

[engchris]

Update: September 27, 2017

I can’t believe I haven’t written an honest update in almost a year; literally five days out and it would be exactly one year. Holy shit so much has happened.

I haven’t written one of these in a while, but after seeing one of my friends write one, I figured its about time I do one too. I thought it would be nice to re-blog my old post to see what’s changed. I’ll try to keep this going more often.

I am no longer employed. In a nutshell, I took an outside internship offer with the promise of a full-time offer at the end, but upon the completion of of my internship, I realized that the role they had me in mind for was not what I had originally asked for. The job I had before I took this internship offer was great, but it wasn’t geared toward my long-term directives and I didn’t want to stay in a field I know I wasn’t interested in. I had a few interviews for new roles elsewhere, so now I’m just waiting.

Everybody keeps telling me to find one job and stay with it, but I don’t think it’s that simple. I’m young enough where I can still pick and choose where I want to work without repercussions, while also having the experience to back it. I went through hell and back gaining experience so I’m damn well going to use that experience on my resume to pick a job I enjoy.

I am enrolled in my 2nd semester of my Masters of Science program @ CSUF. My major is called Information Systems and Decision Sciences with an emphasis in Business Analytics. Not one of my friends knows exactly what I do. I do a lot. It’s about as difficult as I anticipated, I’m studying every day for no less than 2-3 hours per day, and it’s pretty much consumed like 40% of my life. My biggest take away from being in a graduate program is that planning is everything. There’s so much work involved that if you don’t create some type of plan, you’re bound to forget assignments or study sessions. Otherwise, I’m really enjoying what I’m learning. It’s fun, more technical, and I feel like it’s better suited for me. 

I’ve also found that the impact of missing life and the experiences surrounding it will have a much harsher impact on you than if you miss a study session or two. It’s all about balance.

I’ve been keeping on the low lately. Going out less, being more picky with how I spend my time and with who. I’m trying to dial down on myself and be more analytical about how certain people may be impacting my mindset consciously or subconsciously. There was a small phase where I relished being alone because, ironically, it would make me feel less lonely. All my friends have a significant other, so it’s hard to go out and not feel isolated. But whenever I would go out on my own, I felt freedom in doing what I want; most of the time when I did go out by myself, I found that I would have a lot more fun too. My friends know I’m lonely, but it’s more of the small things they do that they don’t realize is pushing me away. This stuff doesn’t bug me as often as it use to, but it’s still there. I’m learning to be comfortable in my own skin. I’m trying to find the happiness that I so eagerly search to give to everybody else. I’m naturally a happy, optimistic person, but lately my mentality has gotten darker.

I’m trying to become more social again, meet new people, etc. I just have a lot on my plate right now, but I do make it a priority. 

Everybody and their mother has told me go find somebody new. Shut up already. I’m trying you motherfuckers. I refuse to date a girl just for the sake of having her. I’m just looking for somebody I actually connect with cause ngl I’m a little weird man.

I started lifting. I’ve always wanted to be big and strong because, well, I’ve never really felt big nor strong. I’ve always felt like people could step over me or that I would be apologizing for shit I wasn’t suppose to. I haven’t been as motivated lately and it’s tiring running through the motions. I started lifting because I had a lot of stress on my mind and needed a healthier way to exert it, and I found lifting gave me a nice feeling of relief. I’ve been focusing on trying to draw my energy from a place that wasn’t stress or anger though. It’s hard not to since that’s what I relied on in the beginning. 

Scratch everything in the first paragraph. I just got an offer for a Data Analyst Lead at Monster Energy lol. It’s cool because I applied only for the regular Data Analyst role, but they’re offering me the step up.  

That’s about it. Its hard being honest with myself, but I’m working on that too. Hopefully by the next time an update, life will have had a more positive impact. 

[engchris]

Update: November 6, 2018

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while now, but time has slipped right by me. This has been the most personally liberating year of my life, defended by the fact that I don’t feel the need to prove it to anybody. I’ve accepted I’m a bit of a workaholic, but I’ve learned to offset it by becoming more adventurous and saying yes to more things. I’ve learned to love myself and that being happy starts with me, and that’s what’s most important.

This year, I traveled the world. In these eleven months, I’ve been to Portland, Chicago, Denver, London, Paris, Milan, Kyoto, Tokyo, Ishinomaki, and San Francisco, many of which I went to by myself. These trips taught me to become more cultured, more patient, more understanding of other people’s views, but most of all, that the world is what you make of it. Across each city, I found that my love for different parts of the world was only as strong as what I allowed it to be. It’s all about perspective. Also rest days. Wow rest days are important on vacation. I’m looking forward to Norway next year.

I learned to move on. I literally spent over $10,000 in travel getting over Jess, but I FUCKING did it lol. I searched the world for a way to forget, but instead I found a way to move forward. I told myself at first that I wanted to travel the world because I needed to get out of the ch bubble, and while partially true, the whole truth is that I wouldn’t have felt the need to remove myself from the bubble if I hadn’t had so many memories of her attached here. It took a while for me to get to where I am today, but the path I took was my own and it’s mine. I learned to be more independent of what others think and found that differences aren’t always bad. This has been one of the most engaging years of my life due to the fact that I had to make several conscious moves to do and be better.  However, I do now have an affinity to go out more just to prove myself wrong so to say that I do have a life and am not total grandpa just yet.

I’ve held my position at Liferay for one full year. Now that Mark is gone, I’m the only analyst here in Marketing and it is so busy. I’m doing my best, but this, plus my Masters, plus trying to gym and stay social - it’s almost as exhausting as my senior year of undergrad. Almost. One pain point I find in a lot of this is that I don’t have a mentor or anybody to relate to. I find that none of my friends are learning the same material I am, the professors are always MIA, and we don’t have a statistical analysis department at work. It’s difficult doing all this alone. One more additional semester (hopefully) and I’ll be done with this program.

I’m happy and I’m in a good place. If anyone or anything were to come along my way, it would just be icing on the barbell.

[engchris]

Update: April 17, 2019

I wasn’t planning on writing this today, but things never happen like you plan them too, huh? I’ll rewrite this later. Too lazy to go through and edit it again.

I went to Norway (Oslo, Bergen, and Tromso)! The trip was a delight - the CJ’s are good company and the activities we did like Fjord & Northern Lights hunting, watching kids fall in Bergen, and getting overcharged to bail our taxi out of his snow ditch made the experience much more pleasant.

Amsterdam, specifically “MuseumQuarter”, is my favorite place on Earth. It’s the only city that I can’t wait to revisit. Definitely my happy place.

I’m learning to trust who I am. There have been a lot of experiences where I’ve faced several options, but always chosen the one that my gut has told me. I’m happy where I am now, and I figure if it’s gotten me this far, and if I’ve always had my own back when others turned away or twisted it, well then it’s the best thing I’ve got. Gut check all day, every day. Trust no one, etc. etc.

I’m currently in the process of planning the Euro trip with Eds and J. It’s exciting, but also a bit unusual. I’m so use to solo traveling that I forgot I have to account for other people while planning. Even with the CJs, they were experienced travelers so most of it was easy come and go, but the guys are a bit more.. novice. Still excited to plan this trip, it’ll just require a bit more work. We’re tentatively set for Barcelona, Prague, Berlin, and Venice.

I moved into a new apartment! I completely forgot honestly. I can’t believe it’s already been a little over two months of living here. We even had a crazy party, woot woot! Granted I’ve only really lived here for a month due to the NY and Norway trip, and there were a few weeks without furnishings, but it’s nice to have a place to call my own.  At least for the most part. Jason is here too. He’s okay.

I’m still at Liferay, I’m still in my MS program (one class this semester), and I’m still working out. It’s all difficult but that’s not really new per se.

I don’t have a plan for life, just a rhythm. I’m doing the best I can each step of the way and hoping that my actions now will make something out of me in the future. I want to be the person that people think I am or can be. Sadly, I haven’t had many other fulfilling prophecies since my last update. We’ll see what happens in a few months.

[engchris]

Update: December 11, 2019

Oh man, oh man. I’m getting all kinds of emotions re-reading through these old posts. How was it been over three years since I first wrote this? So many inexplicable things have happened since I first started this thread. It’s a lot to process, but overall I’m happy with what’s happened.

The first thing that comes to my mind is “nothing goes as planned”. My life has just been a roller coaster. When I was younger, I figured I’d have a path and a goal, and that’s the one I would follow. I can’t count how many times things have changed for me. 

I think in this year, I’ve learned how to be spontaneous, and I mean that in the best way possible. I consider myself to have been very reserved – I wouldn’t really say yes to many things, and when I did, they weren’t really “crazy” things. Granted, I had a lot on my plate back then, but when don’t I? Today, I find myself in this “go with the flow” and “why not” mentality. It usually means I’m exhausted by the end of that day, but I’m happy that I’m becoming the person who says yes to life more. I like this version of me. I’m fun now, and no, I was not fun before. hehe.

I JUST FINISHED MY MASTER’S DEGREE! It’s been a freaking journey. Over the last 6 years, I’ve dedicated my life to working and studying in order to ensure I have a secure future. I’ll probably find something else to study soon, but for a minute, I’m just going to breathe. I can finally, for once in the longest time ever, just lay my head back and take in being done. Honestly, the first thing that comes to my mind is: I’m tired. I’m so tired. I’m happy I’m done, but man, I’m so tired. I mean, more relieved than anything else, but still.

I GOT A RAISE! I’ve been putting in THE WORK. I’m still at Liferay and I’ve been all in. I’ve put in long hours, I’ve studied the material, and I’ve proven that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get better. My salary is now almost double what I had two years ago. Heidy would be proud of me. That six-digit figure salary is looking awfully close, let alone getting it before 30. I honestly never thought I’d have this salary by my current age, but I’m so fucking proud of myself. I put in so much work and it’s so tangibly paid off. It’s been difficult being who I am and working the way I have, but it’s so worth it.

I have two trips planned in January to New York – one with the Canabru Crew and one with the Big 5 – and a Euro trip that I still need to figure out. I’m tentatively going to Budapest, Prague, and Scottland, and some of that with Josh and Sophia, but we’ll see what happens. I love traveling, but now it’s more just freedom. I know in the past I traveled to run away stuff, but now I travel just to get out a little bit.

I want to be a better person. I like who I am now, but I can always be better. Being more social, understanding how my life fits into others and vice versa, etc. As cruel as it sounds, people are going to do what’s best for them, and it’s time I started doing that too – more than just for my career, but for me.

Small year-end wrap up: I’m balancing my lifting schedule, I went on keto, moved in and out of my apartment with Jason, spent way too much money on Everlane, work hard / play hard, and never let Jason forget about the Munich incident.

Say yes in 2020. Say yes to more things. Be courageous, have an opinion, and be different not because you should be, but because you are.  And just like always, be better.

[engchris]

Update: January 2, 2021

2020 was not a very big year for me. There weren’t many highs or lows, and the ones that did come were not very impactful or potent. In my previous years, I had major changes to how I perceived myself and interacted with the world around me, but because 2020 was so isolatory, it was difficult to bloom.

I was suppose to travel internationally three times in 2020 — Japan, Chile/Peru, and Euro — but instead, I ended up moving to Brooklyn in early October. It’s been nice to live out my fantasy of living in NYC, but I’m not entirely sure I want to live there permanently. As much as I hate LA, all of my friends and family are here, and if there’s one lesson I’ve learned this year, it’s that my heart is where my home is, and my home is where I’m surrounded by my loved ones.

I became lazy in 2020. I think it was more of a build up, but I’ve faced the fact that I’m not as ambitious as I use to be. I still have a drive, but it’s not the same as it was in my undergrad. I miss that Chris. I think that was, and still is, the definition of who I am. I am a hungry, curious, and helpful know-it-all. Those years of working and studying simultaneously made me really stressed, but I loved it. In 2021, I’m going to try to get back to that. I want to be more humbly curious, and I don’t want to stop at understanding things at face-value, but rather strive to fully comprehend things. 

The dating life in Brooklyn has been more active for me than I anticipated, and it’s been fun. I’ve reaffirmed that I do want a relationship, but it’s fun to get out and enjoy the dating life — I’ve never been much one for it before. I think my time in Brooklyn has shown me that I have confidence, I just haven’t put myself in an environment to fully thrive with it. If I move back, I’d probably get my own place within 6-12 months of moving back.

Work has been gross. Marketing has been trash for me, so I’m thrilled to be starting out as a data engineer this year with our IS data team at Liferay. I’m excited to struggle a bit while learning some new tricks along the way, all to set me up for some future success.

This year, I don’t want to be anything. I know who I am, and I’m very happy with that person. I’m going to strive for growth as I see fit, and I’m going to love life along the way. 

[engchris]

Update: January 23, 2022

In the second year of the pandemic, I lived life a little bit more but took more wrong turns than I would have liked to.

In the second year of the pandemic, I lived out the rest of my lease in New York City, or more specifically, Brooklyn. I had the opportunity to live in Manhattan with Nathan, but I chose to come back to LA. I tell everybody it was for the job, but really it was for my friends and the girl (Melissa). I missed them.

There is no city like NYC. The rats, the subway, the pizza, it's everything the media fantasizes it to be, and then some. The feeling of community, possibility and youth are unbound to all things, allowing them to be found in everything.

Work has been a roller coaster. I left Liferay for HBOMax, only to come back after three months when the position wasn't as expected. I'm struggling at work. I'm not sure if it is due to a lack of passion, leadership, training, or a genuine disinterest in the work, but I know I don't like it, and I'm struggling. I'm hoping I can get myself out of this rut. I want to prove to myself that I can pick myself up when I fall and get back on top of it. 

I traveled more than I thought I would in 2021. I went to New York and Portland with Melissa, Italy with my dad, San Francisco with J and Josh, Reykjavik and Lisbon by myself, and a few other small trips that I'm sure I'm forgetting. It was great.

I'm currently living with Michael in WeHo, but we signed our lease in August. It's been nice living here, but it's expensive. More than anything, driving has taken the biggest toll on me. It's so far from everything, and this holiday season has been a mess. Next lease, if I don't move back home, I'm going to move to the OC or towards Pasadena — anywhere cheaper. 

I started dating Melissa towards the last quarter of 2021. She's awesome, but I'm hesitant. It's been a long time since I've been in a relationship, and I, quite literally, do not know how to act. I'm already stressed about navigating my way through my life, let alone hers. I'm doing the best I can though, and that's all I can do. Other than that, it's been a joy to have her in my life.

Lately, I've been struggling with finding passion in my life. Maybe it's the busy holiday season, but it feels like I've been persevering each day until the weekend comes. I want to fall in love with life again; I miss having a purpose. 

I have a shit-ton lined up for 2022. While Vancouver was canceled, I still have New York with Melissa in February, Cancun with Lei Anne and them in March, and Scottland in May with Panic! I'm stressed out of my mind, but I'm appreciative of the people in my life.

I’m too tired, too stressed, and too sad to make this note more formatted and thought out. This note is more grim, but I think it's merely because I decided to write this in a sad hour. Hopefully, the next check-in will show brighter spirits. To choosing happiness!

[engchris]

so tired, so stressed

I miss being excited about life. I need to find something that makes me feel alive again

[engchris]

Fearless, in the pursuit of individuality.

[paleo-punk]

Reaper: There’s a bug on you

Jack: Oh shit, where?

Reaper:

[aireenvenus]

[minuty]

“No matter how much you revisit the past, there is nothing new to see.”

—

[perfeqt]

“Be willing to go alone sometimes. You don’t need permission to grow. Not everyone who started with you will finish with you. And that’s OK.”

— Unknown (via quotefeeling)

[perfeqt]

“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, relationship we are afraid to have, and the decisions we waited to long to make.”

— Unknown (via thoughtkick)

[engchris]

Update: October 2, 2016

I really hope I get accepted into my MBA/MS program. When I entered college as a freshman for my Bachelor’s degree, I had very little assurance of what I wanted to do in life. I hardly even enjoyed the subject I was majoring in. I chose Philosophy going into college because my university didn’t have Theology. Around my late sophomore year, I decided I needed to switch into something more tangible and realistic. I knew I wanted to graduate within four years, so I had to look for a major that had synonymous class requirements with my current major. Eventually I ended up graduating a business major and that was that.

The difference with my MBA/MS program would be my opportunity to do things right. I know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life, I know exactly what I want to study, and I know that I want to be outgoing and network. I want to enjoy my time and actually enjoy what I’m learning in class. I took a look at the course curriculum the other day and, for the first time, actually got excited about the topics that I would be learning about. I would have the opportunity not only to continue to better myself, but have the reassurance that what I’m learning is meaningful to me. 

I’ve always taken a stern look at what others thought about me, and used that to judge how I should direct my lifestyle. But I think I’m done with that. No more taking crap from people, and no more not doing what I want because I’m there only one who finds interest in it.

I’m just what you made, God. 

[engchris]

Update: September 27, 2017

I can’t believe I haven’t written an honest update in almost a year; literally five days out and it would be exactly one year. Holy shit so much has happened.

I haven’t written one of these in a while, but after seeing one of my friends write one, I figured its about time I do one too. I thought it would be nice to re-blog my old post to see what’s changed. I’ll try to keep this going more often.

I am no longer employed. In a nutshell, I took an outside internship offer with the promise of a full-time offer at the end, but upon the completion of of my internship, I realized that the role they had me in mind for was not what I had originally asked for. The job I had before I took this internship offer was great, but it wasn’t geared toward my long-term directives and I didn’t want to stay in a field I know I wasn’t interested in. I had a few interviews for new roles elsewhere, so now I’m just waiting.

Everybody keeps telling me to find one job and stay with it, but I don’t think it’s that simple. I’m young enough where I can still pick and choose where I want to work without repercussions, while also having the experience to back it. I went through hell and back gaining experience so I’m damn well going to use that experience on my resume to pick a job I enjoy.

I am enrolled in my 2nd semester of my Masters of Science program @ CSUF. My major is called Information Systems and Decision Sciences with an emphasis in Business Analytics. Not one of my friends knows exactly what I do. I do a lot. It’s about as difficult as I anticipated, I’m studying every day for no less than 2-3 hours per day, and it’s pretty much consumed like 40% of my life. My biggest take away from being in a graduate program is that planning is everything. There’s so much work involved that if you don’t create some type of plan, you’re bound to forget assignments or study sessions. Otherwise, I’m really enjoying what I’m learning. It’s fun, more technical, and I feel like it’s better suited for me. 

I’ve also found that the impact of missing life and the experiences surrounding it will have a much harsher impact on you than if you miss a study session or two. It’s all about balance.

I’ve been keeping on the low lately. Going out less, being more picky with how I spend my time and with who. I’m trying to dial down on myself and be more analytical about how certain people may be impacting my mindset consciously or subconsciously. There was a small phase where I relished being alone because, ironically, it would make me feel less lonely. All my friends have a significant other, so it’s hard to go out and not feel isolated. But whenever I would go out on my own, I felt freedom in doing what I want; most of the time when I did go out by myself, I found that I would have a lot more fun too. My friends know I’m lonely, but it’s more of the small things they do that they don’t realize is pushing me away. This stuff doesn’t bug me as often as it use to, but it’s still there. I’m learning to be comfortable in my own skin. I’m trying to find the happiness that I so eagerly search to give to everybody else. I’m naturally a happy, optimistic person, but lately my mentality has gotten darker.

I’m trying to become more social again, meet new people, etc. I just have a lot on my plate right now, but I do make it a priority. 

Everybody and their mother has told me go find somebody new. Shut up already. I’m trying you motherfuckers. I refuse to date a girl just for the sake of having her. I’m just looking for somebody I actually connect with cause ngl I’m a little weird man.

I started lifting. I’ve always wanted to be big and strong because, well, I’ve never really felt big nor strong. I’ve always felt like people could step over me or that I would be apologizing for shit I wasn’t suppose to. I haven’t been as motivated lately and it’s tiring running through the motions. I started lifting because I had a lot of stress on my mind and needed a healthier way to exert it, and I found lifting gave me a nice feeling of relief. I’ve been focusing on trying to draw my energy from a place that wasn’t stress or anger though. It’s hard not to since that’s what I relied on in the beginning. 

Scratch everything in the first paragraph. I just got an offer for a Data Analyst Lead at Monster Energy lol. It’s cool because I applied only for the regular Data Analyst role, but they’re offering me the step up.  

That’s about it. Its hard being honest with myself, but I’m working on that too. Hopefully by the next time an update, life will have had a more positive impact. 

[engchris]

Update: November 6, 2018

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while now, but time has slipped right by me. This has been the most personally liberating year of my life, defended by the fact that I don’t feel the need to prove it to anybody. I’ve accepted I’m a bit of a workaholic, but I’ve learned to offset it by becoming more adventurous and saying yes to more things. I’ve learned to love myself and that being happy starts with me, and that’s what’s most important.

This year, I traveled the world. In these eleven months, I’ve been to Portland, Chicago, Denver, London, Paris, Milan, Kyoto, Tokyo, Ishinomaki, and San Francisco, many of which I went to by myself. These trips taught me to become more cultured, more patient, more understanding of other people’s views, but most of all, that the world is what you make of it. Across each city, I found that my love for different parts of the world was only as strong as what I allowed it to be. It’s all about perspective. Also rest days. Wow rest days are important on vacation. I’m looking forward to Norway next year.

I learned to move on. I literally spent over $10,000 in travel getting over Jess, but I FUCKING did it lol. I searched the world for a way to forget, but instead I found a way to move forward. I told myself at first that I wanted to travel the world because I needed to get out of the ch bubble, and while partially true, the whole truth is that I wouldn’t have felt the need to remove myself from the bubble if I hadn’t had so many memories of her attached here. It took a while for me to get to where I am today, but the path I took was my own and it’s mine. I learned to be more independent of what others think and found that differences aren’t always bad. This has been one of the most engaging years of my life due to the fact that I had to make several conscious moves to do and be better.  However, I do now have an affinity to go out more just to prove myself wrong so to say that I do have a life and am not total grandpa just yet.

I’ve held my position at Liferay for one full year. Now that Mark is gone, I’m the only analyst here in Marketing and it is so busy. I’m doing my best, but this, plus my Masters, plus trying to gym and stay social - it’s almost as exhausting as my senior year of undergrad. Almost. One pain point I find in a lot of this is that I don’t have a mentor or anybody to relate to. I find that none of my friends are learning the same material I am, the professors are always MIA, and we don’t have a statistical analysis department at work. It’s difficult doing all this alone. One more additional semester (hopefully) and I’ll be done with this program.

I’m happy and I’m in a good place. If anyone or anything were to come along my way, it would just be icing on the barbell.

[engchris]

Update: April 17, 2019

I wasn’t planning on writing this today, but things never happen like you plan them too, huh? I’ll rewrite this later. Too lazy to go through and edit it again.

I went to Norway (Oslo, Bergen, and Tromso)! The trip was a delight - the CJ’s are good company and the activities we did like Fjord & Northern Lights hunting, watching kids fall in Bergen, and getting overcharged to bail our taxi out of his snow ditch made the experience much more pleasant.

Amsterdam, specifically “MuseumQuarter”, is my favorite place on Earth. It’s the only city that I can’t wait to revisit. Definitely my happy place.

I’m learning to trust who I am. There have been a lot of experiences where I’ve faced several options, but always chosen the one that my gut has told me. I’m happy where I am now, and I figure if it’s gotten me this far, and if I’ve always had my own back when others turned away or twisted it, well then it’s the best thing I’ve got. Gut check all day, every day. Trust no one, etc. etc.

I’m currently in the process of planning the Euro trip with Eds and J. It’s exciting, but also a bit unusual. I’m so use to solo traveling that I forgot I have to account for other people while planning. Even with the CJs, they were experienced travelers so most of it was easy come and go, but the guys are a bit more.. novice. Still excited to plan this trip, it’ll just require a bit more work. We’re tentatively set for Barcelona, Prague, Berlin, and Venice.

I moved into a new apartment! I completely forgot honestly. I can’t believe it’s already been a little over two months of living here. We even had a crazy party, woot woot! Granted I’ve only really lived here for a month due to the NY and Norway trip, and there were a few weeks without furnishings, but it’s nice to have a place to call my own.  At least for the most part. Jason is here too. He’s okay.

I’m still at Liferay, I’m still in my MS program (one class this semester), and I’m still working out. It’s all difficult but that’s not really new per se.

I don’t have a plan for life, just a rhythm. I’m doing the best I can each step of the way and hoping that my actions now will make something out of me in the future. I want to be the person that people think I am or can be. Sadly, I haven’t had many other fulfilling prophecies since my last update. We’ll see what happens in a few months.

[engchris]

Update: December 11, 2019

Oh man, oh man. I’m getting all kinds of emotions re-reading through these old posts. How was it been over three years since I first wrote this? So many inexplicable things have happened since I first started this thread. It’s a lot to process, but overall I’m happy with what’s happened.

The first thing that comes to my mind is “nothing goes as planned”. My life has just been a roller coaster. When I was younger, I figured I’d have a path and a goal, and that’s the one I would follow. I can’t count how many times things have changed for me. 

I think in this year, I’ve learned how to be spontaneous, and I mean that in the best way possible. I consider myself to have been very reserved – I wouldn’t really say yes to many things, and when I did, they weren’t really “crazy” things. Granted, I had a lot on my plate back then, but when don’t I? Today, I find myself in this “go with the flow” and “why not” mentality. It usually means I’m exhausted by the end of that day, but I’m happy that I’m becoming the person who says yes to life more. I like this version of me. I’m fun now, and no, I was not fun before. hehe.

I JUST FINISHED MY MASTER’S DEGREE! It’s been a freaking journey. Over the last 6 years, I’ve dedicated my life to working and studying in order to ensure I have a secure future. I’ll probably find something else to study soon, but for a minute, I’m just going to breathe. I can finally, for once in the longest time ever, just lay my head back and take in being done. Honestly, the first thing that comes to my mind is: I’m tired. I’m so tired. I’m happy I’m done, but man, I’m so tired. I mean, more relieved than anything else, but still.

I GOT A RAISE! I’ve been putting in THE WORK. I’m still at Liferay and I’ve been all in. I’ve put in long hours, I’ve studied the material, and I’ve proven that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get better. My salary is now almost double what I had two years ago. Heidy would be proud of me. That six-digit figure salary is looking awfully close, let alone getting it before 30. I honestly never thought I’d have this salary by my current age, but I’m so fucking proud of myself. I put in so much work and it’s so tangibly paid off. It’s been difficult being who I am and working the way I have, but it’s so worth it.

I have two trips planned in January to New York – one with the Canabru Crew and one with the Big 5 – and a Euro trip that I still need to figure out. I’m tentatively going to Budapest, Prague, and Scottland, and some of that with Josh and Sophia, but we’ll see what happens. I love traveling, but now it’s more just freedom. I know in the past I traveled to run away stuff, but now I travel just to get out a little bit.

I want to be a better person. I like who I am now, but I can always be better. Being more social, understanding how my life fits into others and vice versa, etc. As cruel as it sounds, people are going to do what’s best for them, and it’s time I started doing that too – more than just for my career, but for me.

Small year-end wrap up: I’m balancing my lifting schedule, I went on keto, moved in and out of my apartment with Jason, spent way too much money on Everlane, work hard / play hard, and never let Jason forget about the Munich incident.

Say yes in 2020. Say yes to more things. Be courageous, have an opinion, and be different not because you should be, but because you are.  And just like always, be better.

[engchris]

Update: January 2, 2021

2020 was not a very big year for me. There weren’t many highs or lows, and the ones that did come were not very impactful or potent. In my previous years, I had major changes to how I perceived myself and interacted with the world around me, but because 2020 was so isolatory, it was difficult to bloom.

I was suppose to travel internationally three times in 2020 — Japan, Chile/Peru, and Euro — but instead, I ended up moving to Brooklyn in early October. It’s been nice to live out my fantasy of living in NYC, but I’m not entirely sure I want to live there permanently. As much as I hate LA, all of my friends and family are here, and if there’s one lesson I’ve learned this year, it's that my heart is where my home is, and my home is where I’m surrounded by my loved ones.

I became lazy in 2020. I think it was more of a build up, but I’ve faced the fact that I’m not as ambitious as I use to be. I still have a drive, but it’s not the same as it was in my undergrad. I miss that Chris. I think that was, and still is, the definition of who I am. I am a hungry, curious, and helpful know-it-all. Those years of working and studying simultaneously made me really stressed, but I loved it. In 2021, I’m going to try to get back to that. I want to be more humbly curious, and I don’t want to stop at understanding things at face-value, but rather strive to fully comprehend things. 

The dating life in Brooklyn has been more active for me than I anticipated, and it’s been fun. I’ve reaffirmed that I do want a relationship, but it’s fun to get out and enjoy the dating life — I’ve never been much one for it before. I think my time in Brooklyn has shown me that I have confidence, I just haven’t put myself in an environment to fully thrive with it. If I move back, I’d probably get my own place within 6-12 months of moving back.

Work has been gross. Marketing has been trash for me, so I’m thrilled to be starting out as a data engineer this year with our IS data team at Liferay. I’m excited to struggle a bit while learning some new tricks along the way, all to set me up for some future success.

This year, I don’t want to be anything. I know who I am, and I’m very happy with that person. I’m going to strive for growth as I see fit, and I’m going to love life along the way. 

[weltenwellen]

Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

[mahkoons]

the saddest truth is knowing that love doesn’t always keep people around

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“I withdraw from people and places from time to time. I need space from a world that is filled with millions of mouths that talk too much, and never have anything to say.”

— Kaitlin Foster

[warped25]