Ennis Thinks

call me ennis | they/them | 21 | books i read and why i love them

[ennis-thinks]

Welcome!

I'm Ennis (they/them), an aspiring writer and college student. This is where I post my writing, whether it be for assignments or personal stuff. I'm debating on posting certain papers I've written and book reviews, but for now, I'm just sharing my own prose and poetry. Send me book recs, give me constructive criticism, or just enjoy <3

[neenarchive]

not being able to borrow an ebook because someone else has it on loan is stupid as hell. like babe this is Document. these are pixels.

[ennis-thinks]

Free Superstition Zine!! (When All Else Fails)

Hey everyone! I made a zine for one of my classes and it was really fun. I compiled a bunch of superstitions and their origins, so if you find that stuff interesting, or just want a free zine to print out, here you go!

[ennis-thinks]

The Still Doe

tw: implied threat, lost child/isolation, animal death, fear/distress

I met them for the first time in autumn, when the forest began to grow cold and leaves shivered on the ground. Still young, I was curious about everything around me. While my mother would eat under the watchful view of the rest of the herd, I would run off, doing this or that and playing with other fawns. One day, I strayed a little too far, and I stumbled upon something I had never seen.

My mom had told me about the humans before and how they lived in huge dens aboveground. She had always told me to stay away. However, again, I was a fawn. The curiosity I had overruled any kind of guideline she would have set. The den looked like a beaver’s home, made of wood. Smoke was pouring out of some kind of horn on top of it, which smelled new, too. However, the one thing that actually got me to move from the treeline - my legs were frozen in a mix of terror and excitement - was one of my own standing beside the human den.

She was completely still, which was not abnormal for us. She could have been just as scared as I was, but I wanted to know why she was here. So I called out, as quiet as I could manage, but she only kept looking at me. Against my better judgment, and every one of my mother’s rules pounding through my young skull, I surged from the shelter of the trees and crept toward the house. I could not hear any humans around.

“You’ll hear them walking,” my mother had said. “You’ll feel them walking. Unlike us, they stomp loudly, unafraid of what may hear them. We tread lightly because of creatures like that.”

When I got close enough to her, I realized that she smelled like a human. My nose brushed against her still body as I sniffed again, and what met me was not the coarse fur of my own. It was hard material, textured like tree bark. I shook my head in surprise, stepping back. She did not move. She did not try to smell me back. Her head was still locked in place, ears up as if on alert, eyes wide. But they were lifeless.

I heard something then, a rumbling in the distance that I had heard from the forest only faintly before. My mother had always said humans traveled around in giant animals that they constructed, and if I ever heard one, I was to stay far away. She said she’d show me when I was older, but that they apparently did horrible things to us. So, I retreated back into the trees, looking back only once to see the doe, unalarmed and still standing in her place. I slowly went deeper and deeper into the shade. I lost my way at some point. I could feel my small heart pounding in my chest, threatening to burst through my fur.

And then I saw another deer. In the hopes she was from my herd, I cried out. She did not hear me, it seemed, as she stood silently in a clearing. Her ears were alert, but I didn’t hear anything that would have caused her to behave that way. She stood still, as if she was walking forward and then stopped in the middle of her step. When I got a little closer, I smelled a whiff of something familiar and enticing. 

On the tree next to her was a large block of white material, which was where the smell was coming from. Mineral deposits, which my mom and I frequently visited, were naturally occurring all around this forest, but I had never seen one above ground. I guess it was lucky. I never liked shoving my head in the dirt to reach the ones we went to. I’d have to tell her about this one. Momentarily, I forgot about the doe. As I lapped up my fill of the afternoon snack, she watched me with stony eyes, the same as the one I saw by the human den. I finished quickly, the knot in my stomach warning me that something was wrong. I examined the doe before I went on my way. She was made of exactly what the other was.

A noise from behind me made my body shiver and my head whipped around. There was nothing there, but my legs began to move on their own. I wasn’t even fast enough to keep up with my mom, but I felt lighter than air as I weaved through the woods. My instincts told me not to stop, coursing through me at every turn, until I was safely against my mother’s warm fur. So I didn’t.

When I reached the clearing again, I was relieved to see the herd still feeding. My mother was off to the side with a large, impressive buck, who I had seen a few times before. He was one of our protectors and a father of a number of the fawns in the herd. When he saw me rushing towards my mother, he stood in front of her, glaring down at me with hard, dark eyes.

“Where were you?” he demanded. “You smell like salt.”

I told him everything I could, the quiet, stone-like does and the block of minerals. The next day, we moved further inside the forest to feed.

[ennis-thinks]

Sailboat

tw: medication/controlled substance, drowning, mental illness, death, existentalism

Every morning I pregame control and vitamins And when I get stuck scrolling and doing fuckall, It seems to hold me underwater. The bubbles pressurize my skull and pop when I ask them not to. An Irish goodbye accentuated by throbbing temples and eyes that beg for rest. Listen to the foghorn, but it’s so loud, So I'll settle for the sailboat. Baby blue cruises. Rotting kelp and biting barnacles line the underside And when November storms bite back, it will sink with the Edmund Fitzgerald and sing him a lullaby. They died with bubbles in their heads And it feels I may suffer the same fate. Swimmers ear and mountain drives wouldn’t know what to do with me. But the sailboat holds tight on the surface And rises in the spring, waving goodbye To the depths and its brethren For a smooth season. And when the waves once again drag it into pockets of air, it will shake hands With Fitzgerald and they will deal out a game of war. Just when he thinks he has won, Crowds of sighing crew will pat me on the back, But my ace will unfurl my sails and propel me up again.

[ennis-thinks]

The Same Sky

I wonder if they know how we love them. What would they do if they knew we intruded on their private moments? Would they still come together, hands gripping just below the elbows, Cratered surface against scorching gas, Darkening the day and enlightening so many? I wonder how long we’ve watched them. We’ve looked to the sky for answers forever, right? Even if we don’t ask for anything in particular She always has a way of answering. People have interpreted it differently over the years, Enough that we don’t really remember who’s right. We’ve actually forgotten a lot of things as a people.

The wolves must look at the dogs in our backyards And wonder what exactly we did that for. I wonder if the forest remembers when hiking wasn’t A planned activity? Tectonic plates beneath us shift and ache because They’ve been misplaced for so long. The dodo in her nest. Unbroken ground. Viruses with no opposition. Electricity with no prison and no job Streaking across the sky, Intent on only frightening the little ones. Plants that grew for themselves. Food went uncooked because Fire didn’t need to be set by anyone but God. Trees that never knew the beauty of language Or the feeling of a pen scratching into their skin Or an anxious thumbnail or a book light. Lizards that would not fit into the palm of your hand. Waves dripping from the ice.

They all had the same sky and I promise you that They all looked toward it when the sun swelled And met the moon for an afternoon kiss That only comes once in a lifetime, But a million in theirs. There is something about the sky that brings us together. The heavens bring people to church, the mosques, to temples, Where they hope for a better world above the clouds. The atmosphere brings people to learn about it, So that one day they may break through and orbit the lovers As they twist through time. The stars bring tearful eyes to the countryside on clear nights, Where you can still hear the coyotes bark and the insects buzz. Water and light bring the life that surges through us at a speed we couldn’t even fathom. The sky knows she is beautiful and so, once in a while, When she’s feeling generous, She’ll allow us to have a show.

[ennis-thinks]

Mother of Monsters

This is a Paradise Lost fanfiction I had to write for one of my college classes! Enjoy the expanded story of Sin.

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55418089

TW: gore, blood, violence, body horror/mutilation, assault, trauma/ptsd mention, christian hell, childbirth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sin knew everything there was about being a mother. She knew the pain of childbirth, probably more familiarly than most, and her children’s barely manageable behavior had led to a lot of learning. After infinite time - and possibly none - had passed, something inside her began to boil. The boring, empty, loneliness of the gate had never bothered her before, but her scales itched for something more. The Hellhounds could feel it too, drooling with excitement. Sin wanted purpose, which she already had, but one that was right for her. She was born from envy and now she felt it growing strong within her.

She found her purpose soon after, when a familiar sound broke her out of her thoughts. A harsh wailing echoed over the plains of fire, set aside from the normal screams of the damned by her instincts. The Hellhounds perked their ears up, all exiting her womb to investigate the sound. If it was what she thought it was, she needed to reach it fast, before Death or any of Satan’s demons found it first. Though it was behind her, the gate kept her in place for a while. She thought. Once the cries began to grow louder, she threw caution to the wind, gathering the Hellhounds and making her way towards it.

The lake of fire was visible from her station, but she had never seen it up close before. It boiled furiously at her and stung her eyes with the smell of rotting flesh. She felt another presence and turned, only to see Belial, who seemed to be going for a stroll. He was obviously surprised to see her, but the sharp grin that he greeted her with only made her squirm with discomfort and shame. She had never been alone with Belial before, out of fear. His lazing about and indifference to the war of Heaven and Hell made him a problem for her father, and she disliked his personality anyway. He was lustful; she could often see him cavorting all over Hell and finding pleasure in whoever he wanted. There had been several occasions where she felt she should look away. It was surprising to her that he hadn’t sired a child with most of Hell.

“What brings you here?” he asked, eyeing her like his next meal.

The cry rang out again, this time grating and desperate. She wanted to run, but Belial was not someone she wanted to mess with, especially considering that she was already somewhere she shouldn’t have been. She hoped whatever was making that noise understood that help was coming, if she wasn’t eaten first.

“You heard it, too?”

Something in her boiled again. The Hellhounds burst from her, barking and snapping their jaws at Belial, who looked intrigued, but stepped away. 

“I believe I asked you a question,” he growled. His figure was human enough, but the look in his eyes was animalistic, and she could see his eyebrows knead together underneath his large, curled horns.

“It would make a filling meal for my children,” she gestured to the Hellhounds. “That is all. I know I should not be away from my post.” She considered for a moment, bending down to scratch one of their heads, then looked up at him through her eyelashes as temptingly as possible. If there was anything she knew about him, it was that his lust came first. If she needed to be his for just a few moments, she thought maybe she could stand it.

Belial surged forward and Sin’s eyes watered when the dogs retreated inside her again. His hand grasped her throat, cold enough to steam against her skin, and his nails dug into her neck, adding gills to her already chimera-like body. He wasn’t squeezing very hard, but she found it hard to breathe. Her chest heaved under the weight of his gaze. She could feel the hounds shaking in fear, rattling her from the inside out. He leaned into her ear, frosty breath making her shiver. “You can have it and nobody has to know. Not a soul. But I think abandoning the gate deserves punishment.”

A sharp pain ripped through her chest and she screamed in harmony with the creature across the lake, as if it could feel her pain in tandem. In Belial’s hand, a lump of fat oozed with blood. The adrenaline left her quickly and she collapsed to the ground. The Hellhounds emerged again, gently licking up the excess of their mother’s left breast. Belial’s smile grew wider, then opened his mouth and swallowed it whole. He grabbed her by her dark hair, lifting her to once again feel his cold words against her ear. “I do not want you, Sin, you vile thing, Mother of Monsters. Take care of whatever is making that racket and then return to the gate. If you cannot even do that, then I’ll devour the rest of you - all of you.” Belial released her, his retreating laughter ringing like a lightning strike in her head.

When she gained the strength to look up again, he was gone. The wail came again. It got louder, as if it could sense her hesitation. Every cry seemed like it was begging her to surge forward, but her limbs were weak and the heat seemed to choke her. It cried louder still. Tears of blood streaked her face now, matching the stains of Belial’s handprints in her hair. Putting a hand to her chest, she took a moment to mourn. The scars around her nipple from Death’s unexpectedly sharp baby teeth had just become charming to her. The imbalance also felt strange. The urge to ask Belial to remove the other flickered into her mind and out just as quickly. 

It took her a moment to realize that the crying had stopped and the adrenaline that was missing from Belial’s burglary surged through her. The Hellhounds steadied her and she scanned the plains of Hell for even a sign of life. Without the sound, it was virtually impossible to see anything and it’s not like she knew what she was looking for. It could be anything. It could even be Belial, playing some kind of wicked prank on her, but she pushed the thought aside and continued her search. Her senses were strong, but she found that her encounter with Belial drained her. Eventually, the Hellhounds used their noses, tracking whatever it was until she spotted a small bundle by the lakeside. The bundle was made of a fabric so deep red that, when she lifted it into her arms, it looked perfect against her stained chest. She cradled it tightly, pushing away the hot breath and shiny teeth of her other curious children. When Sin moved the cloth obstructing its face, she nearly shed her skin.

The angelic features of the thing were unmistakable. Small tufts of golden hair sat atop its pale head. Its face was emblazoned with two furiously bright eyes, which opened wide once it stopped crying, examining its holder. Underneath the dense fabric, she could feel little stubs on its back, where wings would soon emerge. She could only imagine the pure white of its feathers. If it were any older, it would not be looking at her so lovingly, or grasping her pinky so calmly. If it were anything like the rest of her children, though, she wouldn’t be surprised if it someday came to hurt her.

It burbled, reaching for her face. When it opened its mouth wide enough, she gasped, watching as a forked tongue grazed empty gums. She quickly unwrapped it from the rest of the red fabric, holding the creature gingerly out in front of her. A long serpentine tail took the place of legs, writhing excitedly as it shamelessly relieved itself over an unlucky Hellhound. For the first time in a long time, Sin laughed. Like the heaving sobs of the angel she cradled, her laugh blanketed hell in a clear sound, tinny against the white noise of flames and despair.