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she/they

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I suck at uni bc I’m a stupid perfectionist, who cannot hand anything in on time - how to deal with it 😎

I read all the books, I have all the facts, I can answer all the questions, but also I KEEP FUCK MY LIFE UP - here’s why, and how I’m trying to change it.

I have recently come to understand, that perfectionism is my core problem. Perfectionism doesn’t mean that I do everything perfect. It means I am afraid of facing the amount of failure that it is necessary to experience, before anything I make turns out just ok - not even good. 

Perfectionism doesn’t mean working hard until you achieve a good or perfect result. It means not being able to do anything, bc you are paralysed by how much your first try at something sucks. You (I) feel like this suckyness is a sign that I will never be able to do anything okay, and feel overwhelmed by shame bc I’m so bad. I try to hide it from everyone else, by pretending that I have my shit together, while actually having a series of panicky break-downs. Some call it ‘perfectionism paralysis’ :)

Bad ways of dealing with perfectionism paralysis

consuming content. Makes me feel in control. I keep repeating: “the reason I can’t write about x, is bc I don’t know enough. So I just need to read more, then the words will come themselves”. This is a lie, that is keeping me safe from the shame and fear of facing my suckyness. Lack of knowledge is not the problem. I need to challenges the fear. I need to get out of my comfort zone, and start sucking irl.

scheduling out the entire process. It is not a problem of scheduling. It is a mental barrier that I have to break down. So stop scheduling, and continuously failing to live up to it. Scheduling makes me feel in control, it is my comfort zone. I need to spend the time I spend scheduling, sitting down and being with the uncomforting feelings I experience while actually working.

laying on the floor, feeling like u will suck 4ever. It’s dumb, so get up. Of course u will not suck forever, but u have to suck for a while, and that’s okay. Get up and start sucking. Nothing good will come from lying there, and you know you will feel much better as soon as u get up. Lying there feeling bad, is also kind of a comfort-zone. Face the fear.

going for long walks, while trying to ‘prepare’ for facing your work. This is like with scheduling - pretty stupid <3 The problem is not that you need to think more, need to ‘prepare’ yourself more. The work u need to do is in the process, not before it has begun. So SIT DOWN and start feeling weird. I promise you will get better, but it will happen slowly. And that’s okay.

Good ways of dealing with perfectionism paralysis

create - don’t consume. It is a problem in your brain. You are constantly blocking yourself from doing what you want. What you need to learn is not more info, but how to stay in the process of making stuff that sucks. So any time u feel like consuming and staying in your comfort-zone, try creating instead. Write a blog post, write a song, make a meme, and try to be okay with how mediocre your product is. Stay with the uncomfort.

not deleting social media posts. you need to learn that it’s okay to suck. everyone sucks, and you need to suck to become better. ‘Fail better’ as Brecht says. Not deleting SM posts, and trying to work through the fact that it is okay that they suck, is a small way of dealing with your perfectionism. Just look at them, and think: yeah, I can do that better. BUT DON’T DELET IT. no one is going to judge you but yourself. If anyone comments, just say “yeah, you’re right. it’s bad :)” 

actively changing your thinking. manifest it. say it aloud to your self:

“start sucking - u have to suck to get better”

“sucking now does not mean you will never be good, it means you are on your way to sucking less”

“you are not stupid, you are just bad at handling your big ego.”

“PRACTICE makes perfect - is not a joke, it’s a lifestyle bby”

create a tumblr to rant about your problems. it’s very therapeutic.

tell your friends. tell them that you’re not okay. tell them that you don’t have it all figured out. try to explain the feelings of shame and guilt to them. They will quickly see that your fears are all in your brain, and that you need to start accepting failure. they will say stuff like: “failing doesn’t define you my friend, not working with it defines you, and keeps holding u back.”

It’s tough and painful but U WILL BE OKAY. I BELIEVE IN YOU. start sucking <3

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- If your’re european, you should read this book - 

Johny Pitts travels from his native England to some of Europes big cities. He wants to know more about the past and present lives of black people in Europe. He follows in the footsteps of James Baldwin in France, goes to an Antifa demo in Germany, visits an old colonial-style museum in Belgium, reflects on black lives in the Soviet Union and gets a different perspective on his otherwise beloved Stockholm. It is a fast read, and it is REALLY GOOD.

You can read what I think is a first draft of the chapter on Frankfurt here: http://afropean.com/why-afropean-the-7-30-train-to-frankfurt/ 

or you can listen to some Zap Mama

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Y7gzL9aQcY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bpznfmFQgA

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wow heretonormativity is trash

I’m so angry that I had to go through so many trashy feelings of insecurity, shame and panic, because I didn’t understand why what I felt didn’t correspond with what I thought love and a relationship was suppose to look like. I really think we need to show children stories of sapphic love that is about deep-feeling, intellectually stimulating relationships, and less about sexualising wlw. Esepcially because it can be hella confusing to be a bi- or pan-sexual. All the thoughts about ‘am I queer enough’ and ‘am I even really queer’ could have been avoided. Heteronormativity is taught, we need to unlearn it.

Power to all the queers. You are COOL and have my full support. <3