[its-surprising]

modern hawkins has pretty shit internet

[classical-memeician]

“my child is fine” your child has long ebony black hair with purple streaks and red tips that reaches her mid-back and icy blue eyes like limped tears

[no-stabbing-wednesdays]

“my child is fine” your child understood this reference

[traditional-latin-math]

[vanilla-bean-buttercream]

So there's this plastic turtle we have outside our school that tells cars to slow down. My kids have always asked me why I don't have a husband, and I got tired of telling them because I didn't want one, so I pointed to him and said, "That dude. That's my husband."

This has been a running joke for two years now. All the kids know the plastic turtle outside the school is my husband. He doesn't have a name, just Miss Cat's husband.

Today was really windy, and the turtle dude fell over. I was taking a kid out to his mom, and he saw it on the ground and went, "Oh look, your husband died."

So I said, "Oh darn. Looks like I'm single again."

And without skipping a beat, he goes, "I'll be your husband."

Mom is standing there trying not to laugh as I got down on my knees, took the kid's hands in mine, and said, "Thanks for the offer, bud, but no thank you. We'll just pick that guy up so he can start being my husband again."

So the kid runs over, picks the turtle up, and goes "Good morning, husband! You're not dead anymore. Good job."

[memewhore]

[sandersstudies]

I am OBSESSED with people telling me how they met the love of their life. Just found out my director met his wife through a misdirected email - that’s fate right there.

[sandersstudies]

“I saw her last name was Jewish - and I’m Jewish, so when I corrected the email I told her Shabbat Shalom with a smiley face — this was the very beginning of the emoticon era, you understand. She had a watermark of a dog rescue at the bottom of her email, and I love dogs, so I found her website and there she was — all these videos of her rehabilitating dogs and talking about the organization. I fell in love with her just from those videos.”

😭😭😭

[sandersstudies]

“I asked if we could meet for coffee, told her I was looking for volunteer opportunities — which was halfway a lie — and she said ‘okay, but just so you know I have a boyfriend, so this is strictly business,’ and I was so disappointed, but I did want to meet her. We sat in that coffeeshop until they turned the lights out on us, and she broke up with her boyfriend the next day.”

[sandersstudies]

MULTIPLE people in the notes have told me how important these tags are to them so here’s to keeping it in the main post.

[yellowplumfruit]

[guerrillatech]

[biologyweeps]

TICK PSA

Alright you guys, ‘tis the season again and I’ve already seen bullshit float about so here we go: what to do and what not to do when you happen to have a tick attached to yours truly.

WHAT NOT TO DO:

DON’T cover the tick in anything. Vaseline, nailpolish, whatever. Doesn’t matter. It’ll all suffocate the tick, making it panic vomit germs into your blood stream. That’s the opposite of what you want.

DON’T burn the tick. Same problem, plus the additional option of giving yourself a burn wound in the process. 

DON’T squeeze the body of the tick when you try to remove it. Again this empties the tick’s digestive system into your body. Bad. 

DON’T wait for the tick to detach itself. The longer it stays on you, the higher the chances it’ll transmit anything to you. Plus when ti detaches it may again vomit germs into you. 

WHAT TO ACTUALLY DO

STAY CALM. A tick hanging on you is not a reason to panick. You’re not going to keel over just like that, and if you’re unsure what to do, there are many resources on the internet on how to safely remove a tick, like this one from the CDC (aka the professionals)

USE APPROPRIATE TOOLS. These can be suitable tweezers (the pointy kind, not blunt tipped ones), tick removers (there are cheap ones out there, those you can buy at the vets are totally fine for use on humans, too!). Ideally you can remove the entire tick in one go, however if that doesn’t work and the mouth part breaks off in your skin, that’s not a terribly big deal and you can totally remove it separately after you got the body remove. Again, don’t panic.

KILL THE REMOVED TICK. But not by squeezing it. Flush it down the toilet, submerse it in alcohol in a container etc. Ideally if the tick has bitten you and not your dog, keep the tick around in a sealed container in case you start having symptoms and someone needs to identify the tick species. Also IF you start getting symptoms like the tell tale Lyme disease rash, HIT A DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY AND TELL THEM ABOUT YOUR TICK BITE. Do not wait this out, ticks can transmit a whole host of diseases beside Lyme, so be mindful of that, too! 

Some of those diseases you can actually get vaccinated again, such as tick born encephalitis. Check with the local authorities if you live in a risk area, and if so, get the shots to protect yourself. 

[t00tsmcgee]

Excellent post! I would like to add that ticks hide in tall grass and bushes mostly. They do not drop down from trees or jump to other people’s heads etc. Ticks aren’t designed to jump, they latch on somewhere on your leg and then crawl upwards in most cases. 

So be careful with bare legs and tall grass!

[gavilansblog]

To avoid ticks when walking through grass, tuck everything in. Tuck your shirt into your pants and your pants into your socks. This keeps the ticks outside your clothes. When you get home, check for ticks at warm points like the backs of your knees and at elastic bands like underwear and bra lines. They often collect there. If you check right away when you get home, you can often catch them before they’ve had a chance to burrow in.

[catasters]

[constance-mcentee-deactivated20]

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A four-panel Grebcomic starts with a small blob of a frog in the first panel saying, “Hello everyone, I’m Soup Frog!” In the second panel, Soup Frog appears with a larger frog and says, “I live with Mama. She make the best SOUP.” In the third panel, Soup Frog gestures to a penguin watching Nootflix (with two penguins on a TV screen) in an open fridge and says, “And Pengi, who lives in our refrigerator.” Pengi waves and says, “Noot, noot!” In the final panel, all three are seated at a table with bowls in front of them as Soup Frog says, “We all like SOUP!”

Comic source: https://www.facebook.com/grebcomics/photos/a.2282490361817290/5317261905006772/

[catlips001]

FUCK. honestly just FUCK. We missed a very important day yesterday.

[battebitch-deactivated20200410]

what was yesterday, cat?

[catlips001]

[catlips001]

I’m not missing it this year.

[felicitypdf]

ibuprofen and sink water is the midnight version of coffee and a cigarette…

[aflo]

im starting to think some of you guys might not be okay

[ipunchmen]

please respect european cultural dishes

[snoopingasusualisee]

[snoopingasusualisee]

[amateur]

she is going home to make soup. (via)

[kazs-inej]

#he’s so done

[cisthoughtcrime]

[portraitoftheoddity]

Thinking about how my mom tried to “seduce” my dad when they were in college together by sneaking oranges into his backpack, because she grew up food insecure and feeding someone/sharing food was a big deal with her upbringing with a lot of emotional meaning–

and meanwhile my poor dad is just convinced that he’s been haunted by some citrus poltergeist because why the fuck are there always oranges in his bag he swears he did not put there???