My emotions are like tidal waves. One event causes this immense reaction, that gets bigger and bigger until it crashes over me. I am consumed. I find myself underwater, the pressure on my lungs like I can’t breathe, and I don’t know which way is up.
When I’m anxious, I shake. I bite my nails voraciously. I pace.
When I’m happy, I’m elated. I look like a person on crack. My eyes light up, I talk rapidly, I can’t sit still.
Every emotion.. happy, sad, afraid, anxious... is amplified.
When I was a kid, and I got too excited, I would shake until I got sick. Nothing about my emotional reactions were normal. I could tell that right from the start. Other people didn’t have these ups and downs like I did. Other people were pretty steady.
As I got older, a lot of people started labeling me as “emotionally unstable” and “dramatic.” I felt everything so strongly and struggled to hold it in.
My intensity has aided me in many ways. I am driven, I am focused, I listen intently and have a fantastic memory. I am alert and contentious.
I am empathetic to a fault. I care about how my behavior affects others... but I have come to realize that I need other people a lot more than they need me. That is part of this emotional depth that I have.
I feel, everything. I notice detail. I am extremely analytical. Small shifts in a person’s mood or behavior... I will pick up on it.
I’m actually so good at reading people that I suck at it. I want to understand them so badly that I don’t.
I guess why I’m writing this is, I am realizing that I don’t fit. Not into the typical mold. I am too emotional for most people. I feel things too deeply. I overthink...
I have to come to terms with the fact that this hyper awareness will make others uncomfortable, and intimidate them... but that it is not a curse. I am gifted. I have always been very bright and if I can learn to manage the rush of emotions, and react to them accordingly, I can enjoy feeling everything deeper than most people.
AND, I’m not alone. Many other people are HSPs (the term coined for hyper emotionalism).
So if you feel like everyone tells you to relax, calm down, chill out, stop overthinking... they are right. You do need to find a way to process this intensity appropriately. But don’t you dare hate yourself for it. It is a gift. And maybe, feel a little sorry for them... because emotions rock. If we didn’t have them, we’d be robots. :)