Do magick, day 17 & 18: I cannot talk my way out of this one: Bring it on.
Can I just start by saying : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!?
This was one of the most challenging weeks I can remember! I’ve been so anxious I started smoking again when I used to be just an occasional smoker. I felt deranged (I still do), tired, frustrated, embarrassed and more!
So, day 17: I think i went to that stage of “grief” of trying to negotiate.
“If you could just give me a sign that I’m not just failing at this ritual, that this is actually not a waste of time... pretty please”.
My sign would be to have a peaceful night for a change. It got a bit better, buuuut no. No sleep.
Either way, I knew I wasn’t going to quit, best I could do would be to switch my focus to some other spirit. I just can’t make myself quit. As pissed off as I was, as tired as I was... I’m taking this really seriously.
It occurred to me that I cant bargain with him. I need to get his favour. He doesn’t need me. Some of the spirits on the goetia need something from us, not Paimon, not Belial, not those really fucked bad ass gods of old.
It is possible that by the end of the 50 days I just lost 50 hours of my life... but oh well, I always prefer to regret what I did than what I could have done.
So, same shit different day, right? Onto day 18.
Got home and noticed the cleaning lady had cleaned and rearranged my altar. I need a note “caution: do not touch: here be demons”.
As advised by Tom I did a divination to check if this was Paimon’s doing. Guess what? No, I really just have a cleaning lady who probably thinks too nicely of me to think I’m doing “black magick”. And it makes sense because, unlike most people, I really don’t care if you touch my altar. And apparently neither does him.
So, later that night, exactly the same ritual, no response, got ready to sleep. But I wasn’t exactly ready to sleep... I decided I was going to chant the Enn as long as it took. And it did not take that long.
Then, something did happen. Can I just say it was a weird sex magick thing? I was never one to kiss and tell. But yeah, gave me something to think about.This part is going on my personal journal, you pervs.
I had actually been told this could happen, so - you know who you are - you were right.
Tests are not supposed to be easy, and I think that part of the test to me is to actually write this and expose my vulnerability, my failure and struggle. And just keep on to the bitter end.
He always said I need to toughen up. And it’s been tough, yet I’m still here.
Yet, I -know- It’s going to get worse. But, this badass hindu girl told me that’s what Gurus do to you: they break you to build you back up. It’s not supposed to be easy. This is not Masonry: you don’t get to buy degrees.
I’m just really happy I got this amazing people aiding me along: Tom and Brian and Ananda. Such valuable advice!
I felt awkward just opening up to the world like this, especially when I felt like I was failing so hard. But actually I’ve been amazed at all the support.