My system diary,

Living with Disociative Identity Disorder

[ermas-aquarium]

Hello its Erma! This is my system diary-

I have been diagnosed with DID, that being said, I do not feel comfortable with endo systems or people who believe/support that to interact with me. This is the only time I will bring this term up on my blog. Discussion on this topic is not welcome.

If you think that endo systems are real, I highly suggest you educate yourself on how systems are formed. It stems from repetitive childhood trauma, and you cannot become a system as an adult. DID is a survival mechanism, and sharing a body/mind is not a funny game.

This account will be sharing my own personal experiences and treatment, know that every system is different and I see you all <3

im here to educate and break down stigma/ misinformation about this disorder.

p.s. here is a Pinterest board for our system! some of us have our own sections added in the board, so you can see what we are into

[reddragoncollective]

So much of systemhood is just paying extra attention to yourself like how you're feeling speaking thinking etc to figure out who tf you are... It's exhausting. But it's more exhausting to exist by all pretending to be the same person all feeling super uncomfortable with being referred to as the same and trying to ignore those pesky memory gaps. You know what I'm saying?

[teaboot]

Alright kids say it with me

My thoughts don’t make me a bad person

My feelings don’t make me a bad person

My thoughts, feelings, and impulses only exist inside my head, and none of it matters unless I act on it

Nobody can see my thoughts or emotions

The only things anyone can see and judge me on are my actions

There’s no such thing as a thought crime

thank u

[ermas-aquarium]

i forgot I had DID then I had one of the switches you can FEEL and I was like nooo I feel funny.. oh.

then it wasn't me anymore but idk still was

[ermas-aquarium]

clean room feels very relieving

[ermas-aquarium]

im finally cleaning my room today!

i cant post photos for a little because I cant pay my phone bill (I take the photos on my phone and send them to my computer)

I have a flip phone so I post on my laptop

[tinyorb-deactivated20140312]

[leathersys]

so about that memory loss,

[syscultureis]

system culture is forgetting about something that happened today but I was sure I was fronting alone before it and I am fronting alone now and realizing there was someone fronting with me and now has left and Im just like. who are you stealing my memories

.

[hazedxg0]

It really does say a lot about how romanticized and theatricized alters are online when people go into denial or feel isolated for displaying the most textbook DID/OSDD symptoms.

Not knowing who's fronting, not knowing how many alters you have, not knowing when you switch, not knowing alters' names or why they formed, alters not having names, having no internal world or a very vague one, having no internal communication, struggling with external communication, experiencing alters as different overlapping states of self instead of separate people, hell even just experiencing amnesia.

These are all extremely common symptoms of DID/OSDD, especially when you're untreated or early in treatment. And yet they're all common reasons for why people feel like they don't belong in this community, because the reality of this disorder somehow doesn't conform to the online expectation.

How bad is the state of CDD awareness, even among those who proclaim to have it, that the most common manifestations of DID/OSDD are so underdiscussed that the majority of people with these conditions cannot find understanding even in a community meant for their disorder? When anything that doesn't play into the "alters are separate people and friends in your head" narrative is ignored and erased?

[wiremotherworshipper-deactivate]

"i just don't like masculine women" literally i'm so sorry for you loss. i hope you get well soon

[ermas-aquarium]

i like women.

[ermas-aquarium]

Meet Me

Hello, its Mina.

I didn't think I would make a post, but here I am. There is a video posted here talking about me. I often don't front alone. Like right now.

Usually I'm paired with Molly or Mouse. Im a vampire, no I don't drink blood.

I am pretty closed off, but do enjoy some things. I love poetry and art. I love to get dressed up, so when we go to parties I do clothes/makeup.

im very particular about music. I only listen to very specific music.

I front alone when I'm pissed off or need to protect someone, either in the system or someone close to us. Im not someone to mess with and I do not care for drama. I will just walk away. To me walking away is bigger than the last word.

i guess I'll do what Roe did and add some pictures

[traumaholdercultureis]

based off of something i heard in headspace

[thememedaddy]

[ermas-aquarium]

Hello!

We are going to do the 30 days of DID , just going to post this and reblog it each day so that its easier for me. ;) xoxo

Day 1: Describe your system. What kind of system, how big, anything you feel is a good introduction.

We sort of just gained awareness of being a system about two months ago? 3months ago? (idunnoivebeeninatimevacuum). At first it felt like none of us had names, but that was just the gate keeper doing his thing.

I don't think there is really a host because a lot of us take pretty even turns fronting and are often pretty blendy. There are around 20 of us, some still haven't picked names and some avoid fronting so we are just letting everyone move at their own pace.

We will definitely post more details about our system, and hopefully some photos/ fun blog things to help keep a diary of our progress figuring out our system.

Obviously being weary of sharing sensitive details online, because there are some nasty people out there. Always be cautious talking about trauma, triggers and your kids online

xoxo ;)

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 2: Who knows about your system? Who do you want to know? What do you feel like it’s like coming out as multiple?

Who I want to know is going to change over time. Obviously I'm talking about it on the internet, but that doesn't mean I've just been telling everyone. I've learned that not everyone will receive it well, and sometimes you find out that friendships are conditional. Most of my friends know, and my dad and sister, my mom found out not because I told her, and she pretends to have no idea. My friend told my mom behind my back because he thought I was just crazy and lying about being abused as a child, of course my mom led him to believe that.

It is vulnerable telling people about it and so terrifying, because there is a potential for it to blow up in your face. The friends who do love and support you will continue to, even when some friends choose ignorance over a full fulfilling friendship.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 3: What are your thoughts on integration? Do you wish to integrate?

Integration to us is just the process of gaining better communication and more distinct clarity of who is in the body. Final fusion scares me and has made me upset to think about.

If that is your goal its a beautiful one to have, I'm just not ready to think about that, and I don't know if I'll ever want that. Some systems can, some can't, some want it, some don't!

AND I'm not even close to that point right now so I am just going to worry about the first baby steps I'm taking towards functional multiplicity

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 4: Are you or any of the others in a relationship in or out of the system? How does dating work for you if you do it?

I was dating someone when I first realized I was a system and got my diagnosis and he was cool with it. He responded really well and I felt comfortable sharing with him, but we went our separate ways before things progressed further with my systems awareness.. so right now I'm afraid to date somebody new

We will most likely date monogamously because that feels more comfortable and safe for us, and we will need to be sure the person is ready to listen and try to understand the best they can, and get to know us. I'm hoping to one day meet more people with DID that I can relate to, but its pretty hard out here ;(

but I'm excited to see what will happen!

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 5: How often do you switch? How often do you lose time? Talk a little about what dissociation is like for you.

I switch 1-20 times a day.. it really depends on our bodies energy, each of our emotional energy and the negative and positive triggers we might experience during the day.

The next question is harder to answer. I do lose time, but the memories get filled in by other parts of the system usually. So my perception of time is pretty scewed but I mostly remember stuff unless its really not important.

there are a couple of us that don't share memories, specific alters that only communicate with a certain few, so it depends who is fronting, who fronts after, and why. I'd say I lose time everyday because the way I perceive time is completely different from someone without DID, and most of the memories I have are not mine either.

For me dissociation feels like I'm being sucked into my brain out of my body. Its always made me feel fuzzy, or really short/tall. I cant think very clearly but I seem to function fine with others. The brain/body sort of go on autopilot I pretend nothing is going wrong and it can be pretty uncomfortable/unpleasant to experience because the brain is really only meant to do that during a serious threat so dissociation can be distressing.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 6: How do you feel about talking about the trauma which created your condition? Do you like to write about it privately or publicly? Why?

I talk about it sometimes but not too often because it makes me sad. I write about it in my journal sometimes, and talk about it with my friends occasionally when it's appropriate. I wont talk about it on here I don't think. It wasn't anything too crazy but It was still wrong, and its something i'm sensitive to.

Right now, I'm not working on processing the trauma I experienced im working on creating a foundation of stability for my system so that when we are ready we can process with a therapist in a safe controlled environment as much as possible. (some processing is going to happen outside of that, we know it is unavoidable)

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 7: How many parts do you know of in the system? How many know about each other?

there are around 20 of us, I'll count the ones that have picked names and are clear so far

okay I counted 13 but there are more they're just cranky and sad.

most of us know about each other but not all of us are able to communicate. Like Roe and Mikey. They have more amnesia between them and can't directly share thoughts or memories.

I'm not sure why there are so many of us... a therapist told me 20 is the average but I feel like I wasn't hurt badly enough to have so many. it scares me

but we chillin!

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 8: How did you first discover you were plural? Was it before, after, or during diagnosis?

We always knew in a way. It was just under cover I guess. It was right before we got diagnosed. I met with a therapist, I think I've told this story on here already, She asked if I had any other voice other than the eating disorder voice I had just talked about. Everything sort of just stopped for a second and I said "um yes? I've always had them" and then she helped me find a specialist.

I didn't fully accept that I had DID until after I got my diagnosis, but I've always known I shared my mind.. I just didn't know it was my body that we shared too

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 9: What level of co-consciousness do you have? How do you feel your communication skills are within the system? How do you want to grow in those skills?

Most of us talk to each other. There are a few people hidden away a bit though. Mikey doesnt talk much with the girls, except Emma, so the memories between them are harder to remember. They might not talk, but we can relay messages.

We either communicate verbally (in the headspace/sometimes out-loud) or in pictures/feelings.

A lot of the time we get blendy, usually its 2 or 3 of us around the front. Right now its Pearl, Emma, Mouse- and that's kind of the order of who is most in control of the body/mind.

Roe and Pearl never front with Mikey

Mouse and Mikey front together often

and there are a few more of us that like to group together, but those are the examples I'll give.

We have someone who keeps all the memories for us too, which is why I never thought I had amnesia. He remembers e v e r y t h i n g.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 10: Have you ever done a system map? How extensively have you mapped your system?

Ive made tons and tons of system maps. I have names, roles, traits, specific notes for most of us. I use lines to signify the communication between us, whether there is or isn't communication. Still a lot I don't know but I'm feeling pretty good about it.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 11: How much control do you have over switches? Do you know of any specific things which cause specific alters to front?

Like zero control. I guess we can try to hold back switches or ask someone if they can come out but it's never guaranteed.

Mikey wants to skateboard, and one time I was with my friend and he opened his trunk.. inside were 2 skateboards and I could FEEL Mikey trying to come up so I covered my eyes and told him that it was my turn! and we just stayed co-con while I hung out with my friend. Mikey has the most abrupt forceful fronts due to positive triggers.

There was another instance where he switched in to gobble up a hamburger. then left right after.

He ate it so fast that it felt like the food was stuck in my esophagus and we got terrible indigestion >:(

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 12: What’s the worst thing you’ve woken up to finding out your alter’s done? What’s the best?

Worst: Binge eating, messy room/dirty dishes, self harm, taking pills, destroying belongings or journals.

Best: packing things for the next day, clean room, meal prep, notes and artworks <3

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 13: Has anyone ever noticed you were multiple before you told them? Do animals seem to know the difference in your switches?

welllll I don't think anyone really knew what multiple meant before I told them... after I told a couple of my friends though and they told me that it made A LOT of sense and that felt so good. One friend told me that he had already met all of us after I showed him my mind map :)

with my dogs umm one dog I always ignore because he is dumb and annoying but then I have my sweet darling that I love to pieces!! He knows when I'm not in the mood to pet him (some of us get annoyed by dogs LOL they can be pesky)

i think its more based on verbal cues, and maybe a little body language but I don't think he knows I'm someone else.

(also they're my families dogs so they are not my responsibility, which is why I don't feel bad ignoring the dumb one. He gets plenty plenty of love! the other dog my mom is really mean to so were friends)

I don't know why I talked about the dog thing so much.. its hardly answering the question but I'm posting anyway ROFL

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 14: To whoever’s fronting; what’s your favorite item to have around when fronting? Is it yours or do you share with other alters in the system?

i love my laptop right now.

[ermas-aquarium]

day 15 was songs but it got labeled as mature so I'm just reblogging this one

Day 16:Where, as a system, is the safest place for you? Why?

for the most part its not really about the place I'm in that makes it safe, its the people. I feel the safest when I'm with my friends.

If I'm picking a place it would be the cemetery

or the yoga studio but I cant go there anymore because they stopped my membership when they got a new owner and I'm too broke to buy one :(

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 17: Who’s an alter you’re interested in knowing more about or befriending? Which alter do you know best?

A terrible question for today. (lolll I wrote this then switched I think.. so now it seems like the perfect question)

Today I don't know who I am really. I think I'm mostly Roe, but Emma is here too. She has been fronting with Mikey lately so it is weird to be around her because me and Mikey are never around each other! Im okay with it we do different things and REALLYYY feel different about the body

I really Identify with the body and am super in tune with my femininity, and Mikey is.. a boy! BAHAHA

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 18: What’s your least favorite misconception or common misinformed fact spread abut Dissociative Identity Disorder?

That you get DID by thinking you have DID/ or that letting alters express themselves and act as individuals is bad and "makes your DID worse"

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 19: Have you ever met another multiple offline? Tell us about it.

Yes. a friend through a friend and someone at the hospital (I was there at the beginning of June)

Its really special to meet someone with DID in person <3

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 20: Do you have a favorite book or TV show about or including DID?

LOL can I say fight club? I reallyyy loved the book

I read it long before I watch the movie! I remember not being able to put it down.

i liked the movie too because I think Edward Norton is a cutie ;))

<3

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 21: Tell us about your persecutor(s), protector(s), and gatekeeper(s).

Ill talk about it when/if I feel like it

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 22: Tell us about your littles.

No

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 23: Do you have an inner world? If so, who can access it? What’s it like?

Im working on a project to represent my headspace. when its done I'll show it and I will talk about it. We cant all see it but some of us can

[ermas-aquarium]

day 24: Have you ever dealt with denial? What helps you work through it?

dealing with it right now baby!

i just remind myself of my experiences, and remember what my therapist said to me. She said its a huge waste of time debating if I have DID and it delays my progress in therapy.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 25: When did you first hear about Dissociative Identity Disorder? Was it before or after you discovered your plurality? In what context did you hear about it?

I learned about it on YouTube when I was a kid. It was a bit before the Trisha did the meet my alters video.

I had completely forgot about DID and the videos and didn't remember until I was told I could have it.

Then it alllll clicked in my head. It was like I was learning about it to hide it better and then I forgot.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 26: What aspect of DID do you find most challenging in daily life?

fighting over our body. Having to compromise on everything.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 27: What do you think the biggest differences between living as a singlet and living as a person with DID are?

Perspective. We have the capacity to understand more than a singular person could because we see things from so many angles, and feel such complex emotions.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 28: Share a memory of one of a different alter fronting which you’ve either been told about by them or by another friend.

One time in my PHP group therapy I was talking about being upset that MIkey had picked a favorite color. I mentioned a few of us were upset, because our favorite color has always been green.

After I said that, or thought I said that, she asked me to clarify what I meant. She heard me say "we are upset because Mikey has orange hair and the rest of us have green hair."

I was like "oh no! I didn't say that" and laughed it off as a misunderstanding........

but everyone else in the group heard it too.

I realized my body had been hijacked and I had a blank spot in my memory. Then a picture of a boy with orange hair and girls with green hair popped into my mind.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 29: How do your alters like to express themselves on a daily basis?

clothes, makeup (or lack of), jewelry, vocabulary, activities, food choice

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 30:  What’s one last thing you feel should be written about after answering all of that? Talk about whatever you want.

Now that I've answered these I feel like we have become more comfortable posting here so we will use the blog to share more of our experience and expression. Sooo you'll keep listening to me talk about whatever I want!!

[ermas-aquarium]

Hello!

We are going to do the 30 days of DID , just going to post this and reblog it each day so that its easier for me. ;) xoxo

Day 1: Describe your system. What kind of system, how big, anything you feel is a good introduction.

We sort of just gained awareness of being a system about two months ago? 3months ago? (idunnoivebeeninatimevacuum). At first it felt like none of us had names, but that was just the gate keeper doing his thing.

I don't think there is really a host because a lot of us take pretty even turns fronting and are often pretty blendy. There are around 20 of us, some still haven't picked names and some avoid fronting so we are just letting everyone move at their own pace.

We will definitely post more details about our system, and hopefully some photos/ fun blog things to help keep a diary of our progress figuring out our system.

Obviously being weary of sharing sensitive details online, because there are some nasty people out there. Always be cautious talking about trauma, triggers and your kids online

xoxo ;)

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 2: Who knows about your system? Who do you want to know? What do you feel like it’s like coming out as multiple?

Who I want to know is going to change over time. Obviously I'm talking about it on the internet, but that doesn't mean I've just been telling everyone. I've learned that not everyone will receive it well, and sometimes you find out that friendships are conditional. Most of my friends know, and my dad and sister, my mom found out not because I told her, and she pretends to have no idea. My friend told my mom behind my back because he thought I was just crazy and lying about being abused as a child, of course my mom led him to believe that.

It is vulnerable telling people about it and so terrifying, because there is a potential for it to blow up in your face. The friends who do love and support you will continue to, even when some friends choose ignorance over a full fulfilling friendship.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 3: What are your thoughts on integration? Do you wish to integrate?

Integration to us is just the process of gaining better communication and more distinct clarity of who is in the body. Final fusion scares me and has made me upset to think about.

If that is your goal its a beautiful one to have, I'm just not ready to think about that, and I don't know if I'll ever want that. Some systems can, some can't, some want it, some don't!

AND I'm not even close to that point right now so I am just going to worry about the first baby steps I'm taking towards functional multiplicity

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 4: Are you or any of the others in a relationship in or out of the system? How does dating work for you if you do it?

I was dating someone when I first realized I was a system and got my diagnosis and he was cool with it. He responded really well and I felt comfortable sharing with him, but we went our separate ways before things progressed further with my systems awareness.. so right now I'm afraid to date somebody new

We will most likely date monogamously because that feels more comfortable and safe for us, and we will need to be sure the person is ready to listen and try to understand the best they can, and get to know us. I'm hoping to one day meet more people with DID that I can relate to, but its pretty hard out here ;(

but I'm excited to see what will happen!

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 5: How often do you switch? How often do you lose time? Talk a little about what dissociation is like for you.

I switch 1-20 times a day.. it really depends on our bodies energy, each of our emotional energy and the negative and positive triggers we might experience during the day.

The next question is harder to answer. I do lose time, but the memories get filled in by other parts of the system usually. So my perception of time is pretty scewed but I mostly remember stuff unless its really not important.

there are a couple of us that don't share memories, specific alters that only communicate with a certain few, so it depends who is fronting, who fronts after, and why. I'd say I lose time everyday because the way I perceive time is completely different from someone without DID, and most of the memories I have are not mine either.

For me dissociation feels like I'm being sucked into my brain out of my body. Its always made me feel fuzzy, or really short/tall. I cant think very clearly but I seem to function fine with others. The brain/body sort of go on autopilot I pretend nothing is going wrong and it can be pretty uncomfortable/unpleasant to experience because the brain is really only meant to do that during a serious threat so dissociation can be distressing.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 6: How do you feel about talking about the trauma which created your condition? Do you like to write about it privately or publicly? Why?

I talk about it sometimes but not too often because it makes me sad. I write about it in my journal sometimes, and talk about it with my friends occasionally when it's appropriate. I wont talk about it on here I don't think. It wasn't anything too crazy but It was still wrong, and its something i'm sensitive to.

Right now, I'm not working on processing the trauma I experienced im working on creating a foundation of stability for my system so that when we are ready we can process with a therapist in a safe controlled environment as much as possible. (some processing is going to happen outside of that, we know it is unavoidable)

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 7: How many parts do you know of in the system? How many know about each other?

there are around 20 of us, I'll count the ones that have picked names and are clear so far

okay I counted 13 but there are more they're just cranky and sad.

most of us know about each other but not all of us are able to communicate. Like Roe and Mikey. They have more amnesia between them and can't directly share thoughts or memories.

I'm not sure why there are so many of us... a therapist told me 20 is the average but I feel like I wasn't hurt badly enough to have so many. it scares me

but we chillin!

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 8: How did you first discover you were plural? Was it before, after, or during diagnosis?

We always knew in a way. It was just under cover I guess. It was right before we got diagnosed. I met with a therapist, I think I've told this story on here already, She asked if I had any other voice other than the eating disorder voice I had just talked about. Everything sort of just stopped for a second and I said "um yes? I've always had them" and then she helped me find a specialist.

I didn't fully accept that I had DID until after I got my diagnosis, but I've always known I shared my mind.. I just didn't know it was my body that we shared too

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 9: What level of co-consciousness do you have? How do you feel your communication skills are within the system? How do you want to grow in those skills?

Most of us talk to each other. There are a few people hidden away a bit though. Mikey doesnt talk much with the girls, except Emma, so the memories between them are harder to remember. They might not talk, but we can relay messages.

We either communicate verbally (in the headspace/sometimes out-loud) or in pictures/feelings.

A lot of the time we get blendy, usually its 2 or 3 of us around the front. Right now its Pearl, Emma, Mouse- and that's kind of the order of who is most in control of the body/mind.

Roe and Pearl never front with Mikey

Mouse and Mikey front together often

and there are a few more of us that like to group together, but those are the examples I'll give.

We have someone who keeps all the memories for us too, which is why I never thought I had amnesia. He remembers e v e r y t h i n g.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 10: Have you ever done a system map? How extensively have you mapped your system?

Ive made tons and tons of system maps. I have names, roles, traits, specific notes for most of us. I use lines to signify the communication between us, whether there is or isn't communication. Still a lot I don't know but I'm feeling pretty good about it.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 11: How much control do you have over switches? Do you know of any specific things which cause specific alters to front?

Like zero control. I guess we can try to hold back switches or ask someone if they can come out but it's never guaranteed.

Mikey wants to skateboard, and one time I was with my friend and he opened his trunk.. inside were 2 skateboards and I could FEEL Mikey trying to come up so I covered my eyes and told him that it was my turn! and we just stayed co-con while I hung out with my friend. Mikey has the most abrupt forceful fronts due to positive triggers.

There was another instance where he switched in to gobble up a hamburger. then left right after.

He ate it so fast that it felt like the food was stuck in my esophagus and we got terrible indigestion >:(

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 12: What’s the worst thing you’ve woken up to finding out your alter’s done? What’s the best?

Worst: Binge eating, messy room/dirty dishes, self harm, taking pills, destroying belongings or journals.

Best: packing things for the next day, clean room, meal prep, notes and artworks <3

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 13: Has anyone ever noticed you were multiple before you told them? Do animals seem to know the difference in your switches?

welllll I don't think anyone really knew what multiple meant before I told them... after I told a couple of my friends though and they told me that it made A LOT of sense and that felt so good. One friend told me that he had already met all of us after I showed him my mind map :)

with my dogs umm one dog I always ignore because he is dumb and annoying but then I have my sweet darling that I love to pieces!! He knows when I'm not in the mood to pet him (some of us get annoyed by dogs LOL they can be pesky)

i think its more based on verbal cues, and maybe a little body language but I don't think he knows I'm someone else.

(also they're my families dogs so they are not my responsibility, which is why I don't feel bad ignoring the dumb one. He gets plenty plenty of love! the other dog my mom is really mean to so were friends)

I don't know why I talked about the dog thing so much.. its hardly answering the question but I'm posting anyway ROFL

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 14: To whoever’s fronting; what’s your favorite item to have around when fronting? Is it yours or do you share with other alters in the system?

i love my laptop right now.

[ermas-aquarium]

day 15 was songs but it got labeled as mature so I'm just reblogging this one

Day 16:Where, as a system, is the safest place for you? Why?

for the most part its not really about the place I'm in that makes it safe, its the people. I feel the safest when I'm with my friends.

If I'm picking a place it would be the cemetery

or the yoga studio but I cant go there anymore because they stopped my membership when they got a new owner and I'm too broke to buy one :(

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 17: Who’s an alter you’re interested in knowing more about or befriending? Which alter do you know best?

A terrible question for today. (lolll I wrote this then switched I think.. so now it seems like the perfect question)

Today I don't know who I am really. I think I'm mostly Roe, but Emma is here too. She has been fronting with Mikey lately so it is weird to be around her because me and Mikey are never around each other! Im okay with it we do different things and REALLYYY feel different about the body

I really Identify with the body and am super in tune with my femininity, and Mikey is.. a boy! BAHAHA

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 18: What’s your least favorite misconception or common misinformed fact spread abut Dissociative Identity Disorder?

That you get DID by thinking you have DID/ or that letting alters express themselves and act as individuals is bad and "makes your DID worse"

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 19: Have you ever met another multiple offline? Tell us about it.

Yes. a friend through a friend and someone at the hospital (I was there at the beginning of June)

Its really special to meet someone with DID in person <3

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 20: Do you have a favorite book or TV show about or including DID?

LOL can I say fight club? I reallyyy loved the book

I read it long before I watch the movie! I remember not being able to put it down.

i liked the movie too because I think Edward Norton is a cutie ;))

<3

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 21: Tell us about your persecutor(s), protector(s), and gatekeeper(s).

Ill talk about it when/if I feel like it

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 22: Tell us about your littles.

No

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Day 23: Do you have an inner world? If so, who can access it? What’s it like?

Im working on a project to represent my headspace. when its done I'll show it and I will talk about it. We cant all see it but some of us can

[ermas-aquarium]

day 24: Have you ever dealt with denial? What helps you work through it?

dealing with it right now baby!

i just remind myself of my experiences, and remember what my therapist said to me. She said its a huge waste of time debating if I have DID and it delays my progress in therapy.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 25: When did you first hear about Dissociative Identity Disorder? Was it before or after you discovered your plurality? In what context did you hear about it?

I learned about it on YouTube when I was a kid. It was a bit before the Trisha did the meet my alters video.

I had completely forgot about DID and the videos and didn't remember until I was told I could have it.

Then it alllll clicked in my head. It was like I was learning about it to hide it better and then I forgot.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 26: What aspect of DID do you find most challenging in daily life?

fighting over our body. Having to compromise on everything.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 27: What do you think the biggest differences between living as a singlet and living as a person with DID are?

Perspective. We have the capacity to understand more than a singular person could because we see things from so many angles, and feel such complex emotions.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 28: Share a memory of one of a different alter fronting which you’ve either been told about by them or by another friend.

One time in my PHP group therapy I was talking about being upset that MIkey had picked a favorite color. I mentioned a few of us were upset, because our favorite color has always been green.

After I said that, or thought I said that, she asked me to clarify what I meant. She heard me say "we are upset because Mikey has orange hair and the rest of us have green hair."

I was like "oh no! I didn't say that" and laughed it off as a misunderstanding........

but everyone else in the group heard it too.

I realized my body had been hijacked and I had a blank spot in my memory. Then a picture of a boy with orange hair and girls with green hair popped into my mind.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 29: How do your alters like to express themselves on a daily basis?

clothes, makeup (or lack of), jewelry, vocabulary, activities, food choice

[ermas-aquarium]

Hello!

We are going to do the 30 days of DID , just going to post this and reblog it each day so that its easier for me. ;) xoxo

Day 1: Describe your system. What kind of system, how big, anything you feel is a good introduction.

We sort of just gained awareness of being a system about two months ago? 3months ago? (idunnoivebeeninatimevacuum). At first it felt like none of us had names, but that was just the gate keeper doing his thing.

I don't think there is really a host because a lot of us take pretty even turns fronting and are often pretty blendy. There are around 20 of us, some still haven't picked names and some avoid fronting so we are just letting everyone move at their own pace.

We will definitely post more details about our system, and hopefully some photos/ fun blog things to help keep a diary of our progress figuring out our system.

Obviously being weary of sharing sensitive details online, because there are some nasty people out there. Always be cautious talking about trauma, triggers and your kids online

xoxo ;)

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 2: Who knows about your system? Who do you want to know? What do you feel like it’s like coming out as multiple?

Who I want to know is going to change over time. Obviously I'm talking about it on the internet, but that doesn't mean I've just been telling everyone. I've learned that not everyone will receive it well, and sometimes you find out that friendships are conditional. Most of my friends know, and my dad and sister, my mom found out not because I told her, and she pretends to have no idea. My friend told my mom behind my back because he thought I was just crazy and lying about being abused as a child, of course my mom led him to believe that.

It is vulnerable telling people about it and so terrifying, because there is a potential for it to blow up in your face. The friends who do love and support you will continue to, even when some friends choose ignorance over a full fulfilling friendship.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 3: What are your thoughts on integration? Do you wish to integrate?

Integration to us is just the process of gaining better communication and more distinct clarity of who is in the body. Final fusion scares me and has made me upset to think about.

If that is your goal its a beautiful one to have, I'm just not ready to think about that, and I don't know if I'll ever want that. Some systems can, some can't, some want it, some don't!

AND I'm not even close to that point right now so I am just going to worry about the first baby steps I'm taking towards functional multiplicity

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 4: Are you or any of the others in a relationship in or out of the system? How does dating work for you if you do it?

I was dating someone when I first realized I was a system and got my diagnosis and he was cool with it. He responded really well and I felt comfortable sharing with him, but we went our separate ways before things progressed further with my systems awareness.. so right now I'm afraid to date somebody new

We will most likely date monogamously because that feels more comfortable and safe for us, and we will need to be sure the person is ready to listen and try to understand the best they can, and get to know us. I'm hoping to one day meet more people with DID that I can relate to, but its pretty hard out here ;(

but I'm excited to see what will happen!

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 5: How often do you switch? How often do you lose time? Talk a little about what dissociation is like for you.

I switch 1-20 times a day.. it really depends on our bodies energy, each of our emotional energy and the negative and positive triggers we might experience during the day.

The next question is harder to answer. I do lose time, but the memories get filled in by other parts of the system usually. So my perception of time is pretty scewed but I mostly remember stuff unless its really not important.

there are a couple of us that don't share memories, specific alters that only communicate with a certain few, so it depends who is fronting, who fronts after, and why. I'd say I lose time everyday because the way I perceive time is completely different from someone without DID, and most of the memories I have are not mine either.

For me dissociation feels like I'm being sucked into my brain out of my body. Its always made me feel fuzzy, or really short/tall. I cant think very clearly but I seem to function fine with others. The brain/body sort of go on autopilot I pretend nothing is going wrong and it can be pretty uncomfortable/unpleasant to experience because the brain is really only meant to do that during a serious threat so dissociation can be distressing.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 6: How do you feel about talking about the trauma which created your condition? Do you like to write about it privately or publicly? Why?

I talk about it sometimes but not too often because it makes me sad. I write about it in my journal sometimes, and talk about it with my friends occasionally when it's appropriate. I wont talk about it on here I don't think. It wasn't anything too crazy but It was still wrong, and its something i'm sensitive to.

Right now, I'm not working on processing the trauma I experienced im working on creating a foundation of stability for my system so that when we are ready we can process with a therapist in a safe controlled environment as much as possible. (some processing is going to happen outside of that, we know it is unavoidable)

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 7: How many parts do you know of in the system? How many know about each other?

there are around 20 of us, I'll count the ones that have picked names and are clear so far

okay I counted 13 but there are more they're just cranky and sad.

most of us know about each other but not all of us are able to communicate. Like Roe and Mikey. They have more amnesia between them and can't directly share thoughts or memories.

I'm not sure why there are so many of us... a therapist told me 20 is the average but I feel like I wasn't hurt badly enough to have so many. it scares me

but we chillin!

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 8: How did you first discover you were plural? Was it before, after, or during diagnosis?

We always knew in a way. It was just under cover I guess. It was right before we got diagnosed. I met with a therapist, I think I've told this story on here already, She asked if I had any other voice other than the eating disorder voice I had just talked about. Everything sort of just stopped for a second and I said "um yes? I've always had them" and then she helped me find a specialist.

I didn't fully accept that I had DID until after I got my diagnosis, but I've always known I shared my mind.. I just didn't know it was my body that we shared too

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 9: What level of co-consciousness do you have? How do you feel your communication skills are within the system? How do you want to grow in those skills?

Most of us talk to each other. There are a few people hidden away a bit though. Mikey doesnt talk much with the girls, except Emma, so the memories between them are harder to remember. They might not talk, but we can relay messages.

We either communicate verbally (in the headspace/sometimes out-loud) or in pictures/feelings.

A lot of the time we get blendy, usually its 2 or 3 of us around the front. Right now its Pearl, Emma, Mouse- and that's kind of the order of who is most in control of the body/mind.

Roe and Pearl never front with Mikey

Mouse and Mikey front together often

and there are a few more of us that like to group together, but those are the examples I'll give.

We have someone who keeps all the memories for us too, which is why I never thought I had amnesia. He remembers e v e r y t h i n g.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 10: Have you ever done a system map? How extensively have you mapped your system?

Ive made tons and tons of system maps. I have names, roles, traits, specific notes for most of us. I use lines to signify the communication between us, whether there is or isn't communication. Still a lot I don't know but I'm feeling pretty good about it.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 11: How much control do you have over switches? Do you know of any specific things which cause specific alters to front?

Like zero control. I guess we can try to hold back switches or ask someone if they can come out but it's never guaranteed.

Mikey wants to skateboard, and one time I was with my friend and he opened his trunk.. inside were 2 skateboards and I could FEEL Mikey trying to come up so I covered my eyes and told him that it was my turn! and we just stayed co-con while I hung out with my friend. Mikey has the most abrupt forceful fronts due to positive triggers.

There was another instance where he switched in to gobble up a hamburger. then left right after.

He ate it so fast that it felt like the food was stuck in my esophagus and we got terrible indigestion >:(

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 12: What’s the worst thing you’ve woken up to finding out your alter’s done? What’s the best?

Worst: Binge eating, messy room/dirty dishes, self harm, taking pills, destroying belongings or journals.

Best: packing things for the next day, clean room, meal prep, notes and artworks <3

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 13: Has anyone ever noticed you were multiple before you told them? Do animals seem to know the difference in your switches?

welllll I don't think anyone really knew what multiple meant before I told them... after I told a couple of my friends though and they told me that it made A LOT of sense and that felt so good. One friend told me that he had already met all of us after I showed him my mind map :)

with my dogs umm one dog I always ignore because he is dumb and annoying but then I have my sweet darling that I love to pieces!! He knows when I'm not in the mood to pet him (some of us get annoyed by dogs LOL they can be pesky)

i think its more based on verbal cues, and maybe a little body language but I don't think he knows I'm someone else.

(also they're my families dogs so they are not my responsibility, which is why I don't feel bad ignoring the dumb one. He gets plenty plenty of love! the other dog my mom is really mean to so were friends)

I don't know why I talked about the dog thing so much.. its hardly answering the question but I'm posting anyway ROFL

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 14: To whoever’s fronting; what’s your favorite item to have around when fronting? Is it yours or do you share with other alters in the system?

i love my laptop right now.

[ermas-aquarium]

day 15 was songs but it got labeled as mature so I'm just reblogging this one

Day 16:Where, as a system, is the safest place for you? Why?

for the most part its not really about the place I'm in that makes it safe, its the people. I feel the safest when I'm with my friends.

If I'm picking a place it would be the cemetery

or the yoga studio but I cant go there anymore because they stopped my membership when they got a new owner and I'm too broke to buy one :(

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 17: Who’s an alter you’re interested in knowing more about or befriending? Which alter do you know best?

A terrible question for today. (lolll I wrote this then switched I think.. so now it seems like the perfect question)

Today I don't know who I am really. I think I'm mostly Roe, but Emma is here too. She has been fronting with Mikey lately so it is weird to be around her because me and Mikey are never around each other! Im okay with it we do different things and REALLYYY feel different about the body

I really Identify with the body and am super in tune with my femininity, and Mikey is.. a boy! BAHAHA

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 18: What’s your least favorite misconception or common misinformed fact spread abut Dissociative Identity Disorder?

That you get DID by thinking you have DID/ or that letting alters express themselves and act as individuals is bad and "makes your DID worse"

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 19: Have you ever met another multiple offline? Tell us about it.

Yes. a friend through a friend and someone at the hospital (I was there at the beginning of June)

Its really special to meet someone with DID in person <3

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 20: Do you have a favorite book or TV show about or including DID?

LOL can I say fight club? I reallyyy loved the book

I read it long before I watch the movie! I remember not being able to put it down.

i liked the movie too because I think Edward Norton is a cutie ;))

<3

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 21: Tell us about your persecutor(s), protector(s), and gatekeeper(s).

Ill talk about it when/if I feel like it

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 22: Tell us about your littles.

No

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 23: Do you have an inner world? If so, who can access it? What’s it like?

Im working on a project to represent my headspace. when its done I'll show it and I will talk about it. We cant all see it but some of us can

[ermas-aquarium]

day 24: Have you ever dealt with denial? What helps you work through it?

dealing with it right now baby!

i just remind myself of my experiences, and remember what my therapist said to me. She said its a huge waste of time debating if I have DID and it delays my progress in therapy.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 25: When did you first hear about Dissociative Identity Disorder? Was it before or after you discovered your plurality? In what context did you hear about it?

I learned about it on YouTube when I was a kid. It was a bit before the Trisha did the meet my alters video.

I had completely forgot about DID and the videos and didn't remember until I was told I could have it.

Then it alllll clicked in my head. It was like I was learning about it to hide it better and then I forgot.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 26: What aspect of DID do you find most challenging in daily life?

fighting over our body. Having to compromise on everything.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 27: What do you think the biggest differences between living as a singlet and living as a person with DID are?

Perspective. We have the capacity to understand more than a singular person could because we see things from so many angles, and feel such complex emotions.

[ermas-aquarium]

Day 28: Share a memory of one of a different alter fronting which you’ve either been told about by them or by another friend.

One time in my PHP group therapy I was talking about being upset that MIkey had picked a favorite color. I mentioned a few of us were upset, because our favorite color has always been green.

After I said that, or thought I said that, she asked me to clarify what I meant. She heard me say "we are upset because Mikey has orange hair and the rest of us have green hair."

I was like "oh no! I didn't say that" and laughed it off as a misunderstanding........

but everyone else in the group heard it too.

I realized my body had been hijacked and I had a blank spot in my memory. Then a picture of a boy with orange hair and girls with green hair popped into my mind.