I don't know how to really write these things. I mean, we've used tumblr for forever but never were particularly social on it for a variety of reasons. I'm just gonna do my best.
The Tl;Dr is that this is a personal system blog for us to yap (or not) about our experiences, both relating to being a system and not. It's been very tumultuous and isolating time, and while we have a select few very supportive friends, it's unfair for them to be our only outlets other than the professionals who are paid to listen to us, haha. So we are here.
We're aware that tumblr has a large and vibrant system community, but that also means lots of tags and terms we're not familiar with. If we tag something incorrectly or inappropriately, please don't assume malice, we might just not know!
This is a sideblog, which means we cannot like posts or follow people without outing ourselves to people we know irl. Please don't take this personally! We'll try to be active in the other places we can be.
Onto general things:
Default to they/them unless otherwise specified.
We believe in privacy. Due to lots of amnesia, the sign offs are for our sake. They are to keep us accountable to each other. Some of us may post introductions if we feel like it, but please don't expect all of us to post our names or to talk about other specific identifying things.
We have a pretty typical DNI list:
No racists, no sexists, no homophobes, no transphobes, no ableists, no -ists, no -phobes, no nothing. Be a jerk or a bigot and get blocked basically. Please do not interact if you're a minor or bodily a minor; we wish you all the best, this is just a comfort thing as we are bodily an adult.
Now that the minutiae is out of the way, here's some general stuff about us!:
The vast majority of us are horror fans, games, movies, what have you.
We are currently working towards a master's degree in Mental Health Counseling and we have a bachelor's degree in psychology. We love to talk psychology.
If we post any game content, it will likely be sims content. The sims 3 specifically
I'm sure there's more to add, I'm just not remembering.
Something that maybe some people with out a CDD might not get about get about them is truly how covert switches can be. And I don't just mean the switches themselves but afterwards, people often expect the new fronting alter to be confused and maybe you'll hear a "where am I?" or a " Who are you?" If it's a part you haven't met. But that'd of course be very obvious and quite often dangerous and the disorder is about protection.
I've switched out in a house I as an alter haven't been to before and while my emotional side is very disorientated and a little anxious logically I know where I am and that we have been here before even if it doesn't feel it. And I just have to roll with it, mask act as though nothing has happened. The confusion and fear is there but I can't show it.
Some of us do more than heavily relate to him, but yes absolutely. The "I am not a who, I am a what, a who requires a degree of identity I can't ever attain", the "I am Michael. I was not always Michael. I do not want to be Michael. Being Michael stole the only purpose I have ever known", the "Am I evil? Is a thing evil when it simply obeys its own nature? When it embodies its nature? When its nature was created by those which revile it?", etc etc etc.
There is something about the Spiral and the Stranger as concepts that we relate so so much to as well.
The spiral and stranger are so ridiculously relatable to us ... Michael literally says at one point " I am talking about myself, it is not something I am used to doing, so Im sorry if Im not very good at it " or something along those lines.
Obligatory mention of the lonely and the dissociation aspects of it before I move on to the somewhat bigger TMA spoilers.
TMA spoilers for episodes 77 to 101 !!
The NotThem ... things pretending to be something they aren't and nobody except a few people being able to tell ... moving from identity to identity ... looks at our hands.
I can't fully articulate why, but Nikola is also super relatable. Maybe it's the skin wearing part? Putting on something that isn't yours per se?
A fav interaction of ours in the series with Michael is " Quiet, archivist! The cramped casket sings loud but not loud enough to drown out screaming! The Michael you heard on that tape was *not* me. When that person was Michael, I was something else. And now *I* am Michael, and that person, is *gone.* "
" So-- what, you... became him? "
" No more than he became me. It is rare that someone finds their way into being me, but it does happen. And Michael had help. "
I could sit here and relate so much of TMA to being a system, god that'd be fun. Maybe I'll do that in the morning.
(same folks as the dog collective, just different and more appropriate blog)
Same spoilers as prev, along with some spoilers for season 5 episode 165 to 200 and 110-119
Oh my god yes. We forgot about the "no more than he became me" line. That whole interaction is so relatable to us in a few different ways. Reminds us of when alters fuse.
The not!them hit several of us in a really particular spot. The idea of being replaced and no one knowing hit us in the covert lol because yes. The person you were talking to is not the person you are talking to now and you have no idea.
The entire Ritual of the Unknowing felt very familiar to us too. Not knowing who you are, stuck in a dance with things that look like people, not being able to identify the stuff around you. Skill issue, Jon, that's a Tuesday over here /silly.
Hell (I think these are spoilers for the very end), the concept of fear being split over and over into "separate and distinct terrors" (thanks Gerry), humans being compared to ants being unable to comprehend a whole person from an ant hole and registering eyes and hands and feet as separate beings was kinda relatable to us too in a twisted roundabout sense.
If y'all ever did a big post on TMA and systemhood we would totally read it.
Specific Episode 165 spoilers
This episode. Guh. One of the trigger warnings for this episode is disassociation so I am going to chuck that warning here.
"Your face is not your face is not your face around the curling carousel it twists in place to take from you and all the tattered stolen souls whose sense of me is swollen and distended into nothing."
"Round and round and round it goes and when it deigns to stop who you might be you cannot know so touch and feel the skin atop your skull to test the limits and extremities of where this canvas comes to rest in robbed identities and peeling names that you could swear were never yours."
"The music calls a name that through the tears of half-grasped memories seems almost and eternally familiar.
So dance."
"Just the world.
A world where if you'd wished to have a name it must be stolen, carved and pulled full-bloody from the frame of others who would wish in vain to hold their selfness close."
I could go through that whole episode but to us, that is like, the perfect Stranger story for us to relate to. I need to listen to it again.
Same spoilers as prev rbs, along with specific MAG 170 and MAG 177 spoilers
We like to equate the " no more than he became me " line to a host switch off or a role switch off between alters. The headmate typing this right now has been
GOD. YES. WE FORGOT ABOUT THAT EPISODE. It's so peak dude. Sometimes we wonder if it'd be easier to take the route of just ... Whatever™ instead of trying to figure out our names and identities, much akin to The Unknowing and ep 165.
170 is very relatable in dissociation aspects. Where are we? We don't know. What do we remember? We don't know. What's going on? We don't know.
I *have* to mention ep 177 and Dr. David. First off, I hate you Dr. David but I know that's the point. Second off, the continual gaslighting in that episode from Dr. David is very akin to what we fear we'll experience if we go to a doctor for our problems. So not necessarily a system-*specific* thing, but still noteworthy.
Same spoilers as prev reblogs. At this point assume that if you're not done with the series there is a spoiler here lol
Oh yes! It makes a lot more sense as a role switch-off, you are very right. We don't really use roles unless the part really self-identifies with one so that completely slipped.
170 is so good. We gotta relisten to that one too. The Lonely has some really relatable statement episodes, especially when they center around Martin and his connection with it. We can't remember the number of the specific episode, but Cul-De-Sac hit us in the derealization too. Thought it was a Spiral statement at first.
122(?) (the Zombie one) hits there too. The "zombies are not actually dead but instead are just shells of people" thing reminded us of some of our worse depersonalization/derealization episodes.
MAG 48 as well. Lost in the Crowd.
I'm so glad you mentioned 177 (Wonderland). It's one of my favorite Spiral statements and also such a real terror that we had to take a break after that one. I really wish we got to see more of these domains in season 5. This isn't specifically a system thing (and this is also a spoiler for the Magnus Protocol, will indicate where the spoiler ends) but the dysphoria Flesh domain we hear about is super super good. Will always wish they did even more episodes for these things.
(spoiler ends)
Absolutely. The Magnus Archives is so system. We're so normal about it.
Some of us do more than heavily relate to him, but yes absolutely. The "I am not a who, I am a what, a who requires a degree of identity I can't ever attain", the "I am Michael. I was not always Michael. I do not want to be Michael. Being Michael stole the only purpose I have ever known", the "Am I evil? Is a thing evil when it simply obeys its own nature? When it embodies its nature? When its nature was created by those which revile it?", etc etc etc.
There is something about the Spiral and the Stranger as concepts that we relate so so much to as well.
The spiral and stranger are so ridiculously relatable to us ... Michael literally says at one point " I am talking about myself, it is not something I am used to doing, so Im sorry if Im not very good at it " or something along those lines.
Obligatory mention of the lonely and the dissociation aspects of it before I move on to the somewhat bigger TMA spoilers.
TMA spoilers for episodes 77 to 101 !!
The NotThem ... things pretending to be something they aren't and nobody except a few people being able to tell ... moving from identity to identity ... looks at our hands.
I can't fully articulate why, but Nikola is also super relatable. Maybe it's the skin wearing part? Putting on something that isn't yours per se?
A fav interaction of ours in the series with Michael is " Quiet, archivist! The cramped casket sings loud but not loud enough to drown out screaming! The Michael you heard on that tape was *not* me. When that person was Michael, I was something else. And now *I* am Michael, and that person, is *gone.* "
" So-- what, you... became him? "
" No more than he became me. It is rare that someone finds their way into being me, but it does happen. And Michael had help. "
I could sit here and relate so much of TMA to being a system, god that'd be fun. Maybe I'll do that in the morning.
(same folks as the dog collective, just different and more appropriate blog)
Same spoilers as prev, along with some spoilers for season 5 episode 165 to 200 and 110-119
Oh my god yes. We forgot about the "no more than he became me" line. That whole interaction is so relatable to us in a few different ways. Reminds us of when alters fuse.
The not!them hit several of us in a really particular spot. The idea of being replaced and no one knowing hit us in the covert lol because yes. The person you were talking to is not the person you are talking to now and you have no idea.
The entire Ritual of the Unknowing felt very familiar to us too. Not knowing who you are, stuck in a dance with things that look like people, not being able to identify the stuff around you. Skill issue, Jon, that's a Tuesday over here /silly.
Hell (I think these are spoilers for the very end), the concept of fear being split over and over into "separate and distinct terrors" (thanks Gerry), humans being compared to ants being unable to comprehend a whole person from an ant hole and registering eyes and hands and feet as separate beings was kinda relatable to us too in a twisted roundabout sense.
If y'all ever did a big post on TMA and systemhood we would totally read it.
Specific Episode 165 spoilers
This episode. Guh. One of the trigger warnings for this episode is disassociation so I am going to chuck that warning here.
"Your face is not your face is not your face around the curling carousel it twists in place to take from you and all the tattered stolen souls whose sense of me is swollen and distended into nothing."
"Round and round and round it goes and when it deigns to stop who you might be you cannot know so touch and feel the skin atop your skull to test the limits and extremities of where this canvas comes to rest in robbed identities and peeling names that you could swear were never yours."
"The music calls a name that through the tears of half-grasped memories seems almost and eternally familiar.
So dance."
"Just the world.
A world where if you'd wished to have a name it must be stolen, carved and pulled full-bloody from the frame of others who would wish in vain to hold their selfness close."
I could go through that whole episode but to us, that is like, the perfect Stranger story for us to relate to. I need to listen to it again.
Some of us do more than heavily relate to him, but yes absolutely. The "I am not a who, I am a what, a who requires a degree of identity I can't ever attain", the "I am Michael. I was not always Michael. I do not want to be Michael. Being Michael stole the only purpose I have ever known", the "Am I evil? Is a thing evil when it simply obeys its own nature? When it embodies its nature? When its nature was created by those which revile it?", etc etc etc.
There is something about the Spiral and the Stranger as concepts that we relate so so much to as well.
Got the appointment scheduled for today. We're hesitant about SNRIs for now so we're going with another SSRI and are hoping that it doesn't do the same stuff the last one did. We're really glad we're seeing this psychiatrist now. Our last one didn't listen to us (and also didn't believe in dissociative disorders and that definitely fucked us up for a bit). I wish there was a medication to make this all go away but that's just not possible.
There are several conditions that we still have to officially rule out first so we are still stuck with a working diagnosis. Just gotta keep on chugging along lol. For now, we gotta focus on managing our symptoms and therapy.
For other systems: Have y'all had any success with EMDR? It looks really promising to us but we're hesitating for various reasons.
banging pots and pans together. NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME "STOCK" ALTERS!!! NOT EVERYONE HAS CARETAKERS NOT EVERYONE HAS PERSECUTORS. and among those who do, they might not all present the same way.
we understand the human experience to be nuanced based on upbringing, gender assigned at birth/perceived gender, race, ethnicity, culture, skin colour, economic class, and countless other variables. why are we seemingly unable to understand the individual experiences of DID as equally nuanced?
I'm going to use a semi well-known metaphor about drowning for what I am about to say about some posts that we have seen in system tags. If that is content that may be upsetting to you, please keep scrolling.
~~~
Trauma is like drowning. It doesn't matter if someone drowns in an inch of water or deep in the ocean or if it's dry drowning or if it wasn't water that someone drowned in. It's still drowning. What matters in the situation is that the person drowned. Would you say that someone who drowned in an inch of water is any less dead than someone who drowned in the ocean? Would you say it was more pleasant? Probably not.
Nobody wins when we play the "who's got it the absolute very worst" game. Your trauma is valid and it deserves to be talked about with the same respect as someone else's.
We're losing the motivation to keep going with the 30 days of DID. We may pick it back up sporadically but like. Existence is super overwhelming for us rn and we would rather be pouring our time into things we want to do.
Which isn't helped by the fact that some of us want to do some stuff that takes a lot of time and energy haha.
Astrid specifically wants to have her own blog where she disseminates academic articles. Making information easily accessible is something she enjoys. But that takes time. She definitely was the one doing much of the academic legwork in undergrad lol.
Other folks also want to do things with their own blogs. There's been some talk of a help a fragment blog and a blog specifically for the parts in this system who self-identify as persecutors/prosecutors. Everyone wants to do something all the time.
We are doing both the Wordpress 30 Days of DID and the Non-Part oriented one by @/shihkas! Find them both by searching #30 days of DID.
We keep forgetting lol.
1. What is your favourite sense to ground yourself with? Olfactory, tactile, auditory, etc?
Auditory and olfactory. Music is a big source of comfort for us and is the easiest way for us to ground. In the olfactory way, we have certain smells that we both enjoy and are strong that will snap us straight down to reality.
2. Day Fourteen: To whoever’s fronting; what’s your favorite item to have around when fronting? Is it yours or do you share with other alters in the system?
I don't have one. Hell, most of us don't. I guess our phone is pretty important to us. Someone else in this system has a coat that they consider mostly theirs. I guess one of the bandshirts we have is mine because it's a band I really like but other people enjoy it too. Meh.
The psychiatric appt we've had scheduled for two months just got rescheduled the day before.
Like obviously, things happen, we understand and we want to be flexible and accommodating and at least they didn't move it more than they did. It's just frustrating and we already have such a hard time remembering appointments. We rely so much on routine and structure to make sure everything gets done and to find out literally the day before the appointment is frustrating.
Sometimes the grief that we are a system hits in the middle of the day. It's heavy. I don't even really know how to articulate it. I hate the fact that we exist, but I don't hate us.
I've forgotten *my own birthday* before. There are several years of my life just straight up missing. In the past I've forgotten silly little frivolous things like NAMES OF LOVED ONES or WHERE MY HOUSE IS. But obviously none of that was important. Fucking awful, ableist thing to say.
We are doing both the Wordpress 30 Days of DID and the Non-Part oriented one by @/shihkas
1. What was your last therapy session like?
I could not tell ya. I don't remember much of it. I don't remember when it was. This actually reminded me to go actually check when I last went and schedule a new appointment. Whoops.
2. Day Thirteen: Has anyone ever noticed you were multiple before you told them? Do animals seem to know the difference in your switches?
Oh my god dudes it feels like everyone knew before we did, it was fucking bullshit. Everyone we told was like "yeaaaah we've known for a hot second, glad you finally know though" like???? I mean to be fair in hindsight it's so obvious but a good portion of us had no idea at all for a long time.
Our cats notice, yeah. They have favorites. It's really cute.
Hii! This isn't 10000% done yet but idk what other alters were doing on here, so we're asking for feedback
Diagnostic Information for Trauma-Related Dissociation And Complex Dissociative Disorders - By Guardians System This document contains pos
This is (intended) to be a resource/collection of resources for people questioning DID, OSDD, another dissociative disorder, or wondering about trauma-related dissociation.
(It isn't intended for explaining exactly what CDDs and trauma are!! We might add a short bit about where to look for general info on CDDs somewhere, notsure)
It includes symptoms, criterias, diagnostic guides, assessment tools, self-report questionnaires, and a bunch of other stuff. Will definitely be missing some things other ppl might be able to point out!
It's a bit long. And may have some triggering content, since it discusses trauma symptoms and so on. So please be aware before taking a look at it
We're just looking for thoughts, opinions, recommendations, suggestions, comments, and anything else. Tell us wht you think of it! Ask your friends what they think of it! Idk!! Just lmk <3 (you can comment on the doc, DM us, send an anon message, respond to this post, use our strawpage, or whatever!)
Mega Sign-Off List (with names or nicknames and a very short non-serious description)
This is for convenience for others (and for us because we don't want to do alter intros lol). This list is subject to updates as people express interest or disinterest in posting here. We may have some parts that only want to post exclusively on their own personal blog and they might not be included here but that does not mean that they are not allowed to post here.
🌀 - Just use May. IRLs would recognize the name. Any pronouns is fine. Closest thing this system has to a host. Their coffee habits will bankrupt us.
🗝️ - Dana (she/he/they). In my opinion, she is reasonable and dependable and a good source of logical comfort, though I doubt that is how she would describe herself. - 👁️
🧩 - JJ (she/her). Loser /affectionate. Often fronts with Dana. Least likely to hide a zombie bite in an apocalypse. Posts a lot on her sideblog.
👁️ - Astrid (no preference). System's archivist (or am I the archive? ;) /ref). Read The King in Yellow once and became Like That.
💐 - Thalia (she/her, but they is fine!) More likely to be on her own blog but posts here. Has a Spotify Wept, which is like a Wrapped but it's all the times she cries in a year for non-serious reasons. Laika and Felicette are currently in the lead but Punch the Monkey came in strong.
🪱 - BK. They're very irritating and think it's funny. Has free rein to respond to rude people if they're around.
📌 - Carter (he/they). If he ever says he's got that dog in him, it is important to know that that dog is probably Jenna Marbles' italian grehound Kermit.
🔥 - Agnes (she/they/it). The Desolation's Specialest Girlthing.
🦴 - Bones (he/they/she). I don't really know what to say about him. Often is around with Syl.
🪴 - Rhys (they/she/any). Frequent fronter. Thinks she's much funnier than she is, but that is a common trait over here.
We are doing both the Wordpress 30 Days of DID and the Non-Part oriented one by @/shihkas
1. How do you keep track of your symptoms and experiences?
Journal.
2. Day Twelve: What’s the worst thing you’ve woken up to finding out your alter’s done? What’s the best?
Worst thing is when I wake up to find something someone did or said hurt someone or hurt us. No more details on that. Best thing is when I don't know someone else did a chore and I come home planning to do it to find it already done. The best. I guess. This was sort of a weird question.
