— a canon divergent fic in which after shane trips and loses the winning goal, the accusations cause him to spiral until ilya cant sit by and watch any longer.
— a canon divergent fic in which after shane trips and loses the winning goal, the accusations cause him to spiral until ilya cant sit by and watch any longer.
warnings :: TLG spoilers, eating disorder, i love making shane suffer then be held, hurt/comfort, i think that’s all
a/n :: first time writing a real fic for them!! ~2k words, i’m not sure how i feel about this. but i think i’ll be uploading this to ao3 as well, so be on the lookout for a link. could make a follow up if people like it!! (so lmk)
The team Shane had called his own. The Montreal Voyagers that he had led to victory countless times. Multiple cups. Had won them 3 cups in the span of 5 years after their long slump of winning none.
And all it took was one little slip up. One mistake, then all that hard work and dedication Shane had provided year after year disappeared. As if it had never mattered.
It felt weird at home. Quiet. Fragile. Shane could sense how Ilya was hesitant to say anything. How he thought Shane was gonna break. But he was determined to prove that wasn’t true. Shane was strong. He could handle a couple rumours.
Ilya came home with him after hearing the mean things each of their teammates were saying. He could only imagine the things people would say online, so he wasn’t gonna leave Shane to be alone during this. Even if Shane insisted he would be fine.
It felt weak. To not be able to handle these stupid assumptions that he knew weren’t true. It felt so dumb. Why would he have ever let Ilya win? Like he had made the example to his mom when they had dinner with Ilya for the first time. “Do you ever let Dad win at cards?”
It should be obvious. Sure, they’re together. But Shane never let him win in the past. Why would he start now? And the fact his team thought he would do it only made it so much worse. Who cares what the snakes think online. He’s dedicated his life to that team and stuck loyal.
Apparently that loyalty wasn’t mutual.
It ate at Shane. Quietly, but surely. It took and took until getting out of bed every day was like a task. Which was very unusual for Shane. Previously, he always looked forward to his morning routine. The orderly steps and outcome of feeling ready for the day.
But now he skipped lots of steps. Brushed his teeth, made a smoothie. Though he rarely finished it. A morning run that he always turned back early from.
The motivation to be his best used to run through his blood. Now he was bleeding dry. And he’d noticed plenty of times. In true Shane Hollander fashion, he would never mention to anyone he needed help. Would never risk burdening others with his problems.
He was a grown man. He believed he could push through it on his own.
Jesus, Shane. Get yourself together.
Ilya was coming over today. He had recently lost his game in the playoffs and was no longer playing in the finals. They were both done for the season, and Ilya was ready to spend as much time as possible with his lover— no, boyfriend— until they would be forced apart.
On the other end, Shane was dreading it. His boyfriend was too attentive. Would notice something wrong with Shane before there was even concrete evidence. And he was so nervous.
The knocks came at three o clock in the afternoon. Ilya’s plane landed at one thirty and the cottage was two hours from the airport. So Shane wasn’t expecting it. Wasn’t even sure how that was possible.
But he put on his best happy facade. Which was easier than he thought, because Shane was happy to finally see Ilya again. But the circumstances filled him with fear.
This was the last state he wanted his boyfriend to see him in.
As soon as the door opened he was wrapped in Ilya’s strong arms, letting himself let out a relieved breath. He was relieved. Happy. Glad to see him. Maybe lying wouldn’t be as hard as he’d anticipated.
He managed to swallow down any guilt about it all and greet his favorite person with a long hug and warm kiss. He loved Ilya’s lips. His smell, his warmth, his strength. Everything about him and his presence soothed Shane.
Maybe everything could be okay.
The day went normal as days usually were between the two of them. Soaking in each others company on the couch, a big dinner for Ilya that Yuna had cooked tbe day before and something from his meal plan for Shane.
At the dinner table was when Ilya started to notice.
Shane’s fork only scraped at his plate, rarely picking up any food. He’d only taken a few bites, the rest turned to mush with how he’d been playing with it absentmindedly.
They had been talking about something random when he noticed Ilya’s eyes focus on his plate. He looked down, noticing he must’ve seen that Shane wasn’t eating much. Nearly not enough for an athlete who works out as much as he normally would.
He cleared his throat before Ilya could question, content on making excuses.
“I had lunch right before you came. A full meal. So I’m not that hungry.” The words left his tongue easily. Shane had gotten better at lying after how much his parents were trying to check in on him lately.
Ilya wasn’t a fool. And he wasn’t gonna let this go. But he did know when and when not to press, which now was definitely not the time. So it would wait.
He just nodded with a smile. “Okay malysh. We will have yummy dessert once you are not full.” Ilya decided, wanting to make sure Shane was eating one way or another.
Though Shane would never indulge in a real dessert. He’d figure out something he could get the other man to actually eat.
After Ilya was done eating and the dishes were cleaned, they decided to light a fire in the backyard. It was a tradition at this point, done at least once every time they were at the cottage together. It was nice; an opportunity to unwind and relax with each other.
It often induced vulnerability, too. Which would really work in Ilya’s favor.
Once the flames were big enough the two took their spot on the outdoor couch. Ilya relaxed and leaned back into it, Shane sideways with his thighs draped over his boyfriend’s lap. He was close enough so that his head rested on Ilya’s shoulder.
He should’ve known Ilya was gonna sweeten him up. Get him to talk about what was going on. But he had let his guard down, completely unexpecting.
“Do you want tea? Let me make you tea.” Ilya decided, patting his thigh to move so he could get up.
Shane didn’t want tea. But he was too tired now to protest. He probably wouldn’t drink it. He moved his legs anyways, letting Ilya dote on him as there was no point in arguing.
He must’ve spaced out looking at the fire because suddenly there were warm arms around his shoulders, a cup of tea held in front of him. “Is cold. We be like old couple and drink tea by fire.”
A warm kiss was pressed to Shane’s temple while his hands reached up, taking the cup from Ilya’s hands. Ilya took his place next to Shane again, cradling his own cup he must’ve set down before.
“Since when do you drink tea?” He asked, completely confused. His boyfriend usually preferred coffee, which wasn’t even his favorite. So tea was quite unusual.
“Since you buy way too much after seeing cute sleepy bear on box.” He shrugged. They had way too much tea considering only Shane drank it. Sometimes he’d forget, too.
Shane just hummed, taking a sip of his tea. It was hot as it slid down his throat. Settled warmly in his stomach.
He could see Ilya grimace as he tried it. “You don’t need to drink it, Ilya. I know I bought too much.”
But Ilya shook his head, forcing another sip. “No, no. Is good. I like it. Very yummy, like flower.” It was ridiculous, really. He looked completely repulsed each time it touched his tongue.
Shane gave up, just humming as his slightly glassy eyes focused on the fire instead. He felt totally drained after faking happiness the whole day. And Ilya immediately noticed. Had been suspecting something was wrong the moment Shane opened his door.
“Solnyshko…” Ilya started, reaching over to place a gentle hand on Shane’s back. He stroked up and down slowly, trying to approach this gently. “Talk to me, Shanya. Something is wrong.”
Letting out a long exhale, Shane’s hand came up to rub at the corner of his eye with his sleeve. He was wearing Ilya’s sweatshirt. Kept the sleeve there a moment longer to take in his smell that lingered on it.
“It’s fine, Ilya. I promise, you don’t have to worry.” He tried to convince him. It was useless of course.
“And still, I worry. Tell me.” Ilya insisted, being a bit firmer now as that’s what Shane needed sometimes. His hand slid up, holding the back of Shane’s neck with a grounding solidity.
His bones felt more prominent. He was still strong, sure. But Ilya noticed the lack of soft flesh that Shane normally had. There was deep worry swirling in his gut.
Shane was melting under Ilya’s touch, breaths softening as he leaned into the other man. “Ilya..” He whispered, eyes fluttering shut as he continued to avoid telling the truth.
“These people online… they do not matter. Yes? Tell me you know that.” Ilya gave his neck a soft squeeze. It was quite obvious that was the issue. Everything after the trip happened. It had built too much on Shane and he wasn’t asking for help, as per usual.
“I know they don’t. Obviously they don’t.” Shane huffed. He kept his head on Ilya’s shoulder so he wouldn’t have to make eye contact, feeling small at the idea of this conversation. He knew Ilya would figure it out one way or another, but this was sooner than he expected.
Ilya nodded slowly. There was a right and wrong way to go about this, he just had to figure it out. Normally he could. Though this was more fragile than their problems usually were.
Moving up once again, his fingers combed through Shane’s silky black hair. It felt so soft, soothing Ilya as much as it soothed Shane.
“I just.. it’s all stupid.” He mumbled, embarrassed that he’d been letting this take such a toll on him.
Ilya immediately shook his head, dull nails scratching at his scalp. “No. No, Shanya. Nothing you say is stupid, yes?”
“Yeah.. whatever.” Shane sat up slightly, trying to escape from this. He hated being vulnerable. He knew Ilya only wanted to help, and that he would help if Shane would just open up. God he was such an annoying boyfriend. “I’m sorry.. but it’s stupid.”
“Do not say sorry. Is okay, everything is okay.” He reminded Shane. All he wanted was to have the love of his life be happy. Couldn’t stand seeing him like this. “You are not eating. Why is that?”
Shane pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, chewing on it after Ilya asked. Of course he knew. Shane had noticed he’d been getting… leaner.
“I’m just not as hungry anymore.” He tried to make up excuses, though none of them would work. Nothing got past Ilya.
“You work out, malysh. You need good food and calories.” He rubbed the back of Shane’s head, leaning over to kiss his temple. “My Shane, please do not lie to me. Is my job to make sure you are healthy.”
Instead of trying to retreat again, Shane sniffled
into the silence. Kept his head down so he wouldn’t have to look at Ilya while he said it. “I just can’t. I don’t have the motivation anymore… wanna lay in bed all day.”
That hurt Ilya’s heart. To hear that Shane, who was always working hard every day, could no longer push himself to do it. He’d known it was bad, but not that bad.
“Oh, Shanya. Moy lyubimyy.” Ilya’s hands moved to his waist, pulling Shane into his lap and wrapping his arms tight around him. It made him so sad to hear how his boyfriend has been struggling. All by himself.
Shane just let himself bury his face into Ilya’s neck, eyes glassy but not crying. This was a good thing. Ilya knew he was struggling, and was gonna help.
As much as he hated being honest and open, he knew that was what he needed. Things were gonna be better.
another incredibly tragic thing shane just drops casually happens when he and ilya do a house tour for gq or some shit. the interviewer asks something like “whats the biggest change in your living space since coming out and moving in together” and shane goes “honestly just being able to comfortably live with each other. for a long time we were erasing every tiny detail of ourselves so we wouldnt be caught. but now we can have our wedding pictures on the mantel :)” and everyone dies
i feel like ilya would build the most NASTY sandcastles and then shane is stressing about reapplying ilya’s sunscreen for him so he doesn’t suffer like last time
turnnoffyourmind
areudirty
origamiaround
prguitarman
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
gummygunk
