I tism'd so much I wound up here

19F | Horror Fan | Psychology Major

[escapingreality07]

Re: Current Fandom Situation

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I don't give a fuck what the toxic players of the fandom say; I AM EXCITED FOR VALKO. I understand that there is some frustration with the devs not instantly fixing issues like the skin tones or the storyline but to take it out on Valko? I think everyone is being unreal.

I personally think that they needed him released in order to continue the story; I mean think about it. He's tied to EVER; he has to be a major character for the plot because of that. Besides do we seriously want them to rush the storyline and give us some shit content? It is going to take time; BE PATIENT.

As for the size of the game itself; It's an otome game that is 3D. It's kind of common sense for it to be a little heavy on size because of that. Now I agree it doesn't need to be as huge as it is now but come on, there is no need to be so petty and take it out on A GAME CHARACTER.

Now I'm not excusing things like the skin display issues. Don't get me wrong; I agree that it is fustrating. But once again, I think we as a community are being way to cut throat about things. There are always other sides to a situation; we don't know what is going on behind the scenes. So I don't think it's right that so many of us are being so vile and toxic just because we don't feel heard. If you ask me it's pathetic; adults having meltdowns over a game.

If it upsets you that much, THAN LEAVE. At the end of the day no otome game is going to be perfect in everyones eyes. There is always going to be some issue for people. You are allowed to be upset but don't attack the characters and don't attack the people who aren't agreeing with you. You have the choice to type out vile words; which means you also have the ability to delete the game if it upsets you that much.

But that's my opinion. Every is justified to their own; I just thought I'd speak my point of view on the whole situation since Valko's release previews. Because honestly... this is pretty sad to witness if you ask me.

[escapingreality07]

TW: Abuse

I was talking to a family member - who actually listens and acknowledges the abuse and toxicity from my mother - a few hours ago. I was talking about a time she was really controlling and I swear to god I thought she had left the house.

Next thing I knew she was seemingly coming out of her room. And the pure fear that went through me.

I couldn’t breathe. I felt my chest become so tight. All I could keep saying was ‘she’s gonna kill me’. I didn’t even want to get off the phone (we were on FaceTime) with this family member because I was petrified of what would happen.

Now, she didn’t say anything and I keep telling myself maybe she didn’t hear my words specifically as she is hearing impaired but like… I’m nineteen. No nineteen year old should actually go through what I just did. That was horrible.

I hate that response. It makes me feel so weak. And I hate how I have no ability to escape her at the moment.

[escapingreality07]

When I was little, I don’t think I realized that I was living in a toxic environment. I mean, all kids start off innocent. Naïve.

But now that I’m older, I’m able to realize the abuse. Acknowledge that the feelings I felt back than were valid. I mean; a child shouldn’t be scared to go home. A child shouldn’t want to prolong the journey home because they know their abuser is waiting at home.

There was so many situations that I can think of that showed the control and toxicity that is my mother.

For example; I was walking home one day with a girl I had befriended. My mom - for whatever reason - had it out for this girl. Me and her were cracking jokes and I didn’t hear my phone go off (we were a legit block from my house). My mother ended up leaving the house and called me because I didn’t answer. The end result? I answered the call and looked up to see my mother at the end of the street with an enraged look. She went home enraged and I remember the fear I felt. I remember crying; not wanting to go home because I knew what was coming. And when I did go home? I don’t remember exactly what was said but my mother and I had a MASSIVE fight. She gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the day… because I walked home with a friend she didn’t approve of.

Another time, I was building a Lego set with her. We hit a step that we both didn’t understand and when I offered an explanation to what I thought it was saying she took the instruction book and whipped it down onto the floor beside me and started yelling at me. She never hit me with anything - besides now when she will randomly hit me because she ‘felt like it’ - but things were always thrown. Before that time she whipped a remote at the wall behind me and shattered it. A while ago she fought with my nana, her mother, and smashed a glass candle.

I have tried to speak out about this stuff; yet no one listens. They always defend her: “she’s having a rough day”. “Give her grace she’s dealing with a lot”. And if I do something she doesn’t approve of? They defend her actions.

I don’t see enough people talk about abuse outside of domestic abuse. Yes, it is a severe topic. And I do not want to take any attention away from any of that - because it is the more lethal of situations. All I want is to express my situation. My experiences. Because I don’t want another person who is experiencing what I did/currently still am experiencing to feel like they’re alone. Because they’re not. You are not alone. It is not your fault. Give yourself grace and remember that you are enough. And if that isn’t enough… than you are enough in my eyes.

[escapingreality07]

I wish I had someone to protect me when I was little. Little me didn't deserve to endure the things she had to at a young age. She should have felt hands cradling her face with care. She should have never learnt what toxic love felt like.

I wish I didn't have to carry the weight of knowing little me will never get an apology. Her abuser will never admit her wrong doings. Little me will always have cracks in her like a vase that was put together half-hazardly.

She should have grown into a confident woman. She should have had her first boyfriend before 19. She should have experienced actual love by someone. She should have had someone to ride the high and lows of her autism and tourettes with her. But she never got to experience any of that. All because her mother is toxic and abusive.

I should have been protected. The people I had spoken to should have listened; even if I was cryptic with what I said. There is no way no one saw the signs. But I never was. No one did anything. And now I'm left longing for a life I never got to have; mourn the experiences I was robbed of.

I am a caged bird watching my ex-peers go on and live life to the fullest while I'm stuck in place; waiting for someone to come free me from my golden cage. Someone I don't even know if they exist or know that I need them. And it sucks. Because all I want is the connection of a significant other. I crave someone to love me as a partner - someone who could get me out of here.

I wish someone protected little me. Because current me is still battling the damage left from the person who I never thought would harm me.

[escapingreality07]

I wish people understood what it's like to not only be autistic but also have tourettes. Like it isn't some medal of valour; they’re not something you want to have. I hate seeing people online act like they have it or interact with people who clearly think it's something quirky. Unless you actually have the condition... YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE. Even if you know someone who has them you will never know what it feels like; to hate your own brain.

You don't want autism. You don't want to be the person whose book (brain) is missing pages while everyone elses are perfectly filled to the brim. You don't want to not know why you're feeling certain emotions; or be unable to read social cues. You don't want to constantly live with the reality of always thinking you are a burden.

You don't want Tourettes. You don't want to have a brain that fires extra signals that make you say or move a certain way without you control. You don't want to be some circus act for people to see in public. You don't want to curse at a cashier in public than feel the embarassment of having to explain you didn't say it; the tics did. You don't want to live with the sore muscles from the bad days.

You don't want to live your life thinking no one will love you because you came out wrong.

For once, why can't we as a society stop and realize that these conditions aren't as 'cute' as we are making them out to be. Because their not; and we as a society need to stop normalizing people pretending to have them.

[escapingreality07]

My father is not a good man. He is abusive and toxic toward my mother. He is an ex-convict; charged with crimes like attempted murder. There is a reason I avoided speaking of him to anyone.

He never wanted me; my mother told me of times he'd do things like shove her into closets. Sure, when the air show where we live is happening he takes me to it because we both love to see the military aircrafts (I love the fighter and bombers the most every year)... but that's now. He doesn't know anything about me besides that I love military aircrafts/fighter jets. Never bothered to learn anything about me.

I always wished to be like other kids; whose fathers BBQ'd or attended school events. But he never was. He was and is only around when it benefits him. And it's sad; because I never got to experience the things other kids did. I was robbed of a normal childhood beyond my (at the time) undiagnosed autism; which he had a part in me being undiagnosed until age 17.

My father is not a good man. And somedays I wish I didn't carry features that come from him. I don't want to be tied to a man who couldn't make an effort to be a better person for his youngest (have three half siblings; two have the same mom the other has a different mom and is no contact with him) child.

[escapingreality07]

I want a man like Caleb. Who'd love me so much he would contemplate locking me away or creating a new life just for me. To protect me from those who hurt me. To be the stability I crave and have never had.

I want a man like Sylus. Who looks at me like I'm a magnum opus made to be admired and cherished by them. Who would be my ride or die; be the person whose arms I can fall into knowing I'll be okay. To be the safe person that would never let harm come to me.

I want a man like Rafayel. Who would wait for me; no matter how much time passes. Who will brave the toughest of times with me just to make sure I took care of myself too. Who won't let me sink under. To be the gentle hands that cradle my face like a treasure they are blessed to have found.

I want a man like Zayne. Who will always make time for me. Who will come home looking foward to seeing me. who makes sure i knwo that my efforts will always be enough. To be the person who pulls me out of spirals and took the time to learn everything thats makes up me.

I want a man like Xavier. Who will be the 'scary dog' that protects me. Who will be silly with me and defend my honour when people try to knock me down. To be the protector I never had.

I want a man who is a mix of them all. To be the person I never got to have in my life. To cherish and love me for all my flaws and cracks. I want a man... who either isn't real or hasn't found me yet.

[escapingreality07]

Growing up, "I love you" wasn't something I heard. If I said it to my mother, she'd say it back. But it was only because she felt like she has to say it back (something she told me a while ago when the topic came up). Affection was rare; conversations always had to benefit her and doing things together were scarce. Perhaps it was the fact she had to - as she's said many times by now - 'grieve the child she would never have' due to me being autistic. I will never know.

What I do know is that a parent should protect their child. Love them. Because I'm the prime example of what happens when they don't; they can and WILL resort to other means to get what they never got.

[escapingreality07]

No one truly knows what it's like to live with a parent whose toxic unless they experienced it.

Like what do you mean your mother doesn't make snide comments about something involving you (IE: conditions or habits)? What do you mean your mother didn't get verbally abusive with you in arguments? What do you mean your mother never got enraged at you for befriending a kid and walked home with them? What do you mean you didn't turn to an otome game with fictional men for comfort because thats the only way you get love and affection?

You don't know whats happening in peoples lives; appearances can be decieving. I wish people understood that. I wish people stopped to consider maybe there is a reason I am the way I am before they judge.