you were in the passenger seat of cassie’s grey sedan. at your feet there was an empty mcdonald’s cup and a couple of receipts. cassie had apologized to you and your friends aka her fellow coworkers about the mess when she picked you all up from the club. victoria, trinity, and dennis were all piled in the back. cassie had to pull over at one point so dennis wouldn’t puke all over her car. she dropped him and trinity off first, their apartment being just under 10 minutes from the club you were at. victoria was next, even though her parents’ place is a little closer to cassie’s than it is to yours. then it was just you and cassie, the confidence you had previously wavering as the alcohol in your system starts to abandon you. cassie being right beside you wasn’t helping matters either.
“here?” cassie asks as she makes a left turn around a building.
“yeah,” you tell her as you point ahead to your apartment complex. “it’s that one.”
cassie takes your directions and stays quiet, driving across the lot to an empty spot just outside of your building. she puts her car in park, then rests her hands on her lap. you’re looking down at your own lap, your heart hammering almost as much as your head will tomorrow.
“do you need me to walk you inside?” cassie asks carefully, not sure if she’s overstepping by offering.
“i’m okay,” you answer, still looking away from her. “thanks though. and thanks for picking up me and trin and vic, and dennis in the middle of the night. you really didn’t have to do that, so thank you.”
“my pleasure,” cassie replies, a soft smile spreading across her face. “and are you sure you don’t want me to walk you? it’s late and i don’t want anyone following you or something.”
“if you want to you can.”
“okay, i will.” a pause. neither of you speak. then, a couple long seconds later, “you’re awfully quiet,” cassie points out, the corners of her lips twitching up into a subdued smirk. “earlier you couldn’t shut up. if i remember correctly, you sent me a voice message almost a minute long in addition to several texts. all of them about me and how ‘hot’ i am.”
you drop your head back against the seat, warmth flushing your pink cheeks. with an embarrassed smile, you bring your hands up to cover your face. “oh, god. cassie, please, please forget about that,” you beg, your voice muffled by your hands.
ignoring you, cassie laughs. “why would i?”
you open your mouth to speak, but your breath catches in your throat as you feel two strong hands wrap around your wrist, pulling your hands away from your face. “cassie!” you whine as you try and resist her inescapable grasp, giggles spilling out.
“it’s cute,” cassie tells you, your hands slowly being lowered despite your uncooperative squirms. “you’re cute.”
“i’m drunk,” you counter, finally meeting cassie’s gaze.
“which is exactly why i’m not going to do anything,” cassie explains, still gripping your wrists. “not tonight anyways.”
“not tonight? what would you do if i wasn’t wasted?”
cassie lets out a huff and smiles softly, looking away from you. this time it’s her turn to get shy. “i dunno, maybe, uh, kiss you?”
you stare at cassie for a few moments, your jaw on the floor. then, before you can really think it through, you practically throw yourself over the dash. your lips messily slam against cassie’s. she lets out a surprised squeal in response before quickly melting into your touch. she lets go of your wrists and snakes a hand around your back while the other cradles your head. cassie lets out a pleased hum against your lips, you moaning in response. cassie pulls back just a second later, your mouth chasing hers. she chuckles and brushes some hair out of your face, holding you back so you can’t kiss her, but still close.
“i’m surprised,” cassie murmurs, her blue eyes scanning yours, mesmerizing every detail as best as she can in the dimly lit car, the moonlight pouring in. “you seemed so mortified.”
you let out a small chuckle and look down, a blush creeping up on your cheeks. “i am mortified,” you mumble. you look back up a couple seconds later and see that cassie’s already staring at you expectantly, a small yet adorable smile she can’t seem to shake plastered across her face. “i’m a mess,” you sigh.
cassie’s smile only grows. she looks at you so endearingly, your heart melting. “so am i,” she tells you. “now, let me walk you up to your unit, mkay? we can talk again tomorrow, baby.”
you nod, giddily smiling. “okay.”
cassie grabs your cheeks, pulling you forward to give your forehead a kiss. “let’s go, sweet girl.”
summary: being away from cassie might be too much. it might be something you can never come back from. something you can never heal from.
warnings: slow burn, age gap (reader is 26, cassie is 42), angst, hurt, mutual pining/yearning
word count: 3.4k
a/n: not proofread >.<
soundtrack ‧₊˚♫ ˊ⊹
MASTERLIST
If your time apart with Cassie has taught you anything, it’s that you love her. So much. But you’ve also grown to resent her.
It’s not so much the leaving you that hurts anymore (although it still does). It’s loving someone who no longer shares your life, the distance between you stretching far beyond miles and into every part of your life. Reminders of Cassie hide in every corner, haunting you. It’s become a burden you never asked to carry.
She’s been in Ohio for almost two months now. You’ve been doing okay at keeping in touch, but as your lives get busier, it gets harder to. Because of that, every Thursday you decided to call one another at 8:00PM.
Tonight, Cassie called you 40 minutes later than usual. You had tried ringing her on time, but she didn’t respond. Then you texted Cassie, asking if she was okay. No response. You were curled up on your couch watching a movie when your phone started to vibrate on the coffee table.
You answered and were immediately met with Cassie’s voice, apologies spilling out for not even texting you. She explained that there was an emergency at work she got called in for. Curious, you asked what it was about and Cassie rambled on about the issue. It got to the point where you started to zone out, your eyes trained on the TV, but not registering what’s in front of you or what’s in your ears.
“Sorry,” Cassie sighs. “It was… it was just a huge mess,” she says with a groan. “Anyways, how was your day? Did Princess end up going out on that date with that nurse who transferred from Mercy?”
No response.
“Y/N?”
“Huh? Hm?”
“Uh… I asked about Princess,” Cassie says cautiously. “But also how you’re doing. You can talk about what-whatever.”
“Oh. Um, well, nothing much has been happening here. Princess did end up going out with that new nurse, and I think they have another date coming up.”
“Good for her.”
“Mhm,” you hum in agreement.
“You tired, baby?”
“Hm? Uh…” you sigh and rub a hand over your face. “Yeah, but I’m okay. What else were you saying?”
Cassie pauses for a moment, the faint sound of a sigh coming from her end. “I don’t have any major updates either.”
You’re both silent for a few moments.
“Oh!” you say, snapping your fingers as you come up with something to talk about. “Did I tell you about the club I went to with Trinity and Dennis?”
“I remember you mentioning you were going out last week.”
“Okay, the craziest thing happened…”
You tell Cassie about that night, recalling as much as possible. Three drinks in, you got hit on by this guy. The alcohol put you in a playful mood, so you humored him, only to end the lengthy conversation by telling him you’re gay. The man’s reaction was priceless, and luckily, he left you alone after that. Then you tell Cassie about how drunk Trinity and Dennis got, the three of you performing a trio of the Mamma Mia version of Honey, Honey. It was the best night you’ve had in a while.
“I’m glad you had fun,” Cassie tells you as you conclude the various stories from that night out. “You deserve to have fun.”
“I almost didn’t go,” you admit.
“Why not?”
“Well… because Trinity wanted to go out to find someone for me. I didn’t want a stupid hookup though.”
“Why’d you go then?”
“I dunno, I still wanted a night out. I told Trinity I would try talking to people, but I had no intention of actually going through with anything.”
“Did you want to?” Cassie asks, her voice soft and quiet.
“Um, no.” You clear your throat. “No, I’m not ready for that. I don’t want to do that.”
“It’s okay if you do.”
Your breath catches in your throat, your whole body going still. Cassie’s permission is making your mind spin with questions.
“You don’t need to wait.”
“Oh.”
“I want you to be happy.”
“I know,” you whisper.
“Okay,” Cassie whispers back. “Okay,” she repeats a few seconds later, this time at a normal volume, “I, um— uh, good.”
“I’m actually going out again tomorrow.”
“You are?” Cassie asks, her tone seemingly excited, although, her voice is a bit squeaky. “I’m glad. I hope you have a good time, baby.”
That pet name has always came out so naturally, always filling you with warmth.
“I’m sure I will. It’s with the day crew actually. It’s Mel’s birthday. She didn’t have any plans to celebrate, so we decided to take her out. Her sister’s coming too,” you explain. “It’ll be fun.” A pause. “But I wish you could come to.”
“Yeah,” Cassie says. You can almost see the sad smile on her face. “Me too. Tell her I said happy birthday.”
“I will, Cass.”
“Mkay, thanks.” A few seconds go by. Then, “I know we haven’t been talking for very long, but I’m gonna let you go. I’m sure you want to rest for tomorrow, and I know you’re tired. Sorry again for calling you later than usual. And for not texting you.”
“It’s okay,” you tell Cassie, a small smile of your own forming. “Have a good night.”
“You too, baby. Sleep well.”
There’s a few moments of silence, neither of you saying anything, but neither of you hanging up either.
“Okay,” Cassie says, being the one to break the heavy quiet. “Bye,” she mutters before hastily hanging up.
You stare at the wall for a few seconds, no thoughts on your mind, just an emptiness. But the TV still faintly playing brings you back to reality. You grab the remote and shut it off, and then stand up. Then, you walk to your bedroom, ready to turn in.
Your body can’t handle anymore sadness tonight. It never can in the first place.
Meanwhile, a whole state over, Cassie’s left with the same void as you. There’s sorrow there too, but also defeat. Cassie can’t help but to wonder if she permanently screwed everything up by moving away.
Cassie’s more sure than ever that she wants to be with you. The age gap still troubles her, not wanting to hold you back or face judgement, but she’s ready to try anyways. Assuming that’s what you still want. And Cassie worries that the longer you spend apart, the more you’ll slip through her fingers.
Her fellowship isn’t all that. Cassie hasn’t dreaded showing up to work, and she’s definitely been learning stuff, but it’s not something she’s super passionate about. She didn’t realize how much she thrives in chaos until it left. She didn’t realize how much she loves you until she left either.
Cassie misses you. She misses her son. She misses her house. She misses the ED. She misses Pittsburgh, her home.
The chilly October air hits you as you step outside. It’s finally starting to cool down which you’re grateful for—the heat makes you miserable. Walking away from the hospital, you head towards your car, shoving your hands in your—well technically Cassie’s—jacket pockets.
Cassie had her dad help fix your car a month ago since she’s not there to do it. That was your third time seeing him. He’s really sweet and very talkative, funny too. He brought up Harrison, leading you to mention how you miss him, so Neil decided to arrange a hangout with the three of you.
It was a bit awkward at first, but you went to lunch together. Harrison talked your ear off about school and this new video game he started playing. Neil conversed with you too, asking small talk questions without overstepping. You enjoyed his company. In a way, he felt like a dad to you.
After lunch you went to an ice cream shop just a block over. There, Neil told you that if you ever need anything, you can always call him. You felt touched that he would offer you that, especially because he barely knows you and you and Cassie aren’t exactly the best of friends these days.
Before you parted ways with the two boys, Neil thanked you for hanging out with Harrison, assuming that’s not how you would want to spend your day off. You told him that you would hangout with Harrison anytime which is the truth. When you used to babysit Harrison, you honestly would’ve done it for free. He’s a low maintenance kid, and you’re helping Cassie.
But then Neil said something that really stuck with you. “We love you.”
Those three words echoed in your head, played on a loop for the days following. We. By that, did Neil mean only him and Harrison, or was he including Cassie as well? Even now, three weeks later, you still thought about Neil’s sentiment time to time—“we love you.”
You’re pulled out of your thoughts as you reach your car. You take your hands out of your pockets and grab your keys, unlocking your rundown car. Then you get inside, placing your bag on the passenger seat.
Right when you’re about to back out, you hear a text message notification. Leaving your car in park, you check it. It’s Cassie.
Cassie: I’m sorry for putting all of this on you right now. I know we said we don’t have to talk about it until I get back, but do you still want to be with me?
Cassie: Please, I need to know
You close your eyes and take a deep breath, not ready or wanting to get into this right now. You could ignore Cassie’s texts and answer it tomorrow or the next day. But her messages seem desperate. You’re not sure if you can make her wait.
The answer to her question isn’t so black and white. Yes, you want to be with Cassie. But there’s also trust and betrayal there that have been broken, and she’s not even here to repair the damage.
It’s like an untreated wound—if you have a cut that requires stitches, you need to be brought in right away. If you don’t, and instead put a bandaid on it, it’s a temporary fix that’ll cause long term damage. Your cut won’t heal properly, and after a certain amount of time, you can’t go back and fix it. How it healed is how it healed. It’s a scar you can’t change, that will be there forever.
You and Cassie are in that stage where you need stitches, but haven’t gotten them yet. Your cut is closing, healing on its own in a way that’s harmful. Soon, there won’t be anything you can do to change it. You don’t even know if it’s still possible to change it now or if too much time has passed.
Love is still here, but so is the hurt, and the two have become impossible to untangle.
You: it’s not an easy answer, cass
Cassie: Can I call you to talk about it?
Cassie: I need to hear your voice
You close your eyes and take a deep breath, Cassie’s words hitting you straight in the chest. You really don’t want to get into this right now, but Cassie does, and you’re not sure if you should prioritize her needs or your own.
You: you can’t wait until tmwr?
Cassie: 8:00pm tmr is too far
Before you can chicken out, you hit the call button. Cassie picks up before it even gets to two rings. You hold your phone to your ear, turning down the AC in your car so you can hear Cassie better.
“Hey,” you murmur, a knot growing in your stomach.
“Hi, baby,” Cassie says through a sigh, like she’s relieved to hear your voice. To know you’re still here.
“So, um… I don’t really know how to answer your question.”
“It’s a yes or no.”
You chuckle dryly, shaking your head. “You know it’s not that simple, Cass.”
“So you don’t?” she whispers, her voice weak.
“I… I do want to be with you.” A pause. “But! When you get back are we just supposed to act like nothing’s happened? I know it’s not fair, but I need you here now. You’re already disappearing.” Your voice quietens then, almost scared to admit this allowed. “Sometimes it feels like you’re already gone.”
“It’s, uh…” you hear a shaky sigh on the other side of the line before Cassie continues, “it’s not fair. It’s not fair to you that I just left like that.”
Nodding, you swallow the lump forming in your throat, tears starting to pool in your weary eyes. You lean your head back against the headrest and close your eyes.
“I really miss you,” Cassie confesses, something you already knew, but it’s reassuring to hear. “I miss Pittsburgh. I’ve always felt kind of lonely, but I’m realizing how many people I had now that I’m away. I’m going to come back. It’s just going to be another month.”
“More than a month,” you correct.
“Yeah, um, a little more than a month. But I-I want to come back to you. I don’t know how I’ll be able to see you at work everyday if you hate me,” Cassie rambles, her voice frantic, scared even. “And yeah, I deserve it, you should hate me, but god, I… I love you. And I think you still love me. Even if you hate me too.”
You’re silent for a few seconds, gathering your bearings. Cassie’s breathing is heavy in your ear, and for a moment, it feels like she’s actually here.
“I love you,” you tell Cassie, attempting to keep your voice strong. “But I do kind of hate you. I hate that you’re not here. I hate that the only reason why you moved to a whole other state is because you needed to get away from me. I hate that it took you this long to come around. And honestly?” You take a breath, willing your voice not to crack. But it does. “I don’t know how I can get over the hurt if you’re not here. Every damn day you’re gone, it just makes me hate you more.”
“Um… I understand.”
You sigh, regretting telling Cassie all of that. “I still love you, Cass, and I don’t hate you, hate you.”
“Mhm,” she hums in acknowledgment, too scared to speak because she knows her voice will break.
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting this tonight. Can we just shelf this for tomorrow? I’ll think more on it.”
“‘Kay.”
You draw in a shaky breath before asking, “are you okay, Cassie?”
“Mhm. Goodnight. See you tomorrow.”
“Good—”
But before you can finish, the line goes dead. Cassie disappearing once more.
You spent the next 24 hours stressed about your weekly call with Cassie. This one could potentially make or break your relationship, and it’s all in your hands.
Thankfully, you left work on time. But the last few minutes you spent chatting before you left, you had to endure pestering questions from your friends, namely Trinity. You had told her the rundown of what happened with you and Cassie last night, so now she’s invested in what happens next. She also just wants to make sure you’re okay, knowing that you often carry heavy feelings alone.
You stopped for food at your favorite fast food place before heading home. You scarfed down your quick meal, hungry from your taxing shift. As you ate, you anxiously watched the clock tick by, waiting for it to reach 8:00.
When it’s finally time for your call, your heart is beating out of your chest. You lean against the back of your chair at the dining table and bring a knee up to your chest. Both you and Cassie have been the first to call before, but tonight you wait for Cassie to call you since she’s so eager.
But a minute goes by with no call. You decide to call Cassie, hitting the phone icon. Anxiously, you tap your fingers on the table as you wait, absentmindedly bouncing the leg you have on the floor.
“Sorry, you’ve reached Cassie McKay. I can’t come to the phone right now…”
“Goddamit,” you mutter to yourself as you get Cassie’s voicemail. You hang up before the automatic message finishes.
Frustrated and annoyed, you stand up and stomp over to the living room. You pause in front of the couch and put your hands on your hips, aggressively tapping one foot.
“Fuck,” you yell at yourself in an angry whisper as you pick up your phone again.
You try and call Cassie again, biting your thumb fingernail as you wait to see if she answers. With each ring trilling through your ear, the pit in your stomach hardens, any hope you had slowly fading. Sure that you’re one or two rings away from getting her voicemail, you hang up and open your texts with Cassie.
You: fuck you cassie.
You: you wanted to talk so bad yesterday and now you’re not answering our weekly call?? the one time we have to talk to each other???? fuck. you.
After you press send, you turn your phone on do not disturb mode. Maybe your response was a bit dramatic, but it’s how you feel—angry and hurt.
Defeated, you go to your bedroom. Once there, you plug your phone, setting it on your nightstand for it to charge. You then pull out comfy clothes to sleep in and walk to the bathroom.
As soon as you enter, you turn the shower on. Like you’re in a rush, you strip. Maybe if you move fast enough, your brain won’t have time to think. Maybe, even if it’s just for a moment, you can forget her.
You shower quickly, then step out on the rug right beside the fiberglass. Shivering, you draw a bath, letting the warm water fill the tub. Once it’s almost halfway to the top, you get in, the steaming water instantly warming you. Comforting you.
You stay in the bath for a while, nearly drifting off after the water cools down. You take that as your queue to leave, wanting to collapse in your bed now. You drain the tub and stand, water dripping down your body. Speedily, you grab your towel and wrap it around your body.
You dry off quick, and immediately change into the clothes you brought—pajama shorts and an oversized t-shirt. Then you comb your hair, ridding it of any knots. You floss and brush your teeth next, almost ready for bed.
God, you can’t wait to sleep. As much as you try to suppress it, Cassie still flickers through your mind. Even when you’re unconscious though, she may find a way to creep into your brain, haunting you in your dreams because waking life isn’t enough.
You’re walking out of the bathroom into the hallway leading to your bedroom when you hear a noise. You still and listen. Five seconds later, you hear it again. This time you can tell it’s a knock.
Irritated, you walk to your front door. On your way, you glance at the microwave, knowing it’s late, but not how late. 9:57PM.
“Motherfuck…” you murmur under your breath when you hear the persistent knocking again.
Then it hits you. It’s probably Trinity, surprising you with food or something to cheer you up. It wouldn’t be the first time she showed up on your doorstep late at night with no warning. Earlier, Trinity even asked you what kind of candy you’re craving. Granted, she did the same with Dennis and Victoria, but maybe it’s because Trinity’s planning something with all of you. You’re grateful to have a friend like her, but it really ticks you off sometimes how persistent she is.
You unlock the door and begin to open it, then realizing you probably should’ve checked the peep hole to confirm it’s Trinity who’s at your door. But you’re already swinging it open, ready to lecture your friend about showing up at someone’s house late at night without telling them.
Sighing, you rub your eyes and tell her, “I don’t company right now, Trin…”
Your whole body tenses, frozen in place.
You blink a few times, scared your eyes are deceiving you. Your breathing picks up, your heart slamming out of your chest. The grip you have on the doorknob tightens. Your eyes burn, tears beginning to form without you even realizing it. You’re speechless and wide-eyed, your brain barely processing this.
Cassie’s at your door. Only a foot away from you. Her eyes looking into yours, searching and full of regret. Regret about not being here sooner. About leaving.
She speaks first, her voice alone feeling like a hug you so desperately needed.
do you think cassie would avoid spending time alone with you at first? like that you’d make her nervous and maybe she felt embarrassed bc you made her feel a certain way and she was thinking you couldn’t feel the same
imagine that angst of thinking you’d done something wrong and feeling on edge for literally days. i think cassie would feel so guilty for it
🫰🏻
it's not like cassie to avoid you, not for a day and certainly not for days. everyone's joking how you're like a puppy following her around and vice versa. like bonded lovebirds, except... well, you're not lovers.
you keep going back to the last time you talked. did you say something that made her mad? did you do something? did you forget anything? it's driving you insane and yet you still don't have any answers.
you want to ask what's wrong but you stop texting her two days ago after reviewing your chat and realizing she only replies 1-2 words on your messages this past week. and when you try to approach her, she obviously goes the other way, always finding a route to avoid you.
you wish she would just tell you what you did wrong so you can fix it.
trinity quickly shoots you a glance and asks, "why are you pouting?"
"cassie is avoiding me." your pout turns sadder.
"why?"
you shrug. "dunno."
"why don't you ask her?"
"i've tried but she's really good at detouring, you know. i feel like i'm infectious or something."
"girl, if you don't ask her, i will. you look like a kicked puppy for days now."
"do it then."
"what?"
"ask her."
without hesitation, trinity stands and walks over to cassie. your eyes widen, cheeks flushed in embarrassment trying to catch up to her and explain that you were only joking but you know better that trinity santos never does what she's told especially when her mind is already into it.
"hey, mckay," trinity folds her arms. "got a sec?"
cassie's eyes snap up at santos then at you. "sure."
"y/n wants to ask a question." trinity grabs you by the arm and gently pushes you towards cassie.
cassie waits. you're suddenly parched and lost for words. trinity lets out a big sigh and leaves. god, how can two people be so frustratingly oblivious?
when you don't talk, cassie is about to go to one of her patients but you catch her hand quick. "wait," you call out.
she stops the second she feels your hand on her.
"i just... i want to ask what i did wrong," you murmur. your eyes are defeated, the usual light and joyfulness are missing because you terribly miss her. "why are you avoiding me?"
cassie takes a breath. she knows you deserve answers. she could make up lies and make you believe them to save whatever's left of your friendship but would that really be a friendship worth having? one based on lies?
she drags you into the nearest empty room, a storage closet just far enough from the chaos of the ED. you hear the lock click then cassie faces you.
"i'm sorry," cassie starts, tone sincere and apologetic. "i didn't want to ruin this."
"what this?"
"this," she gestures between both of you. "us. what we have."
"why would you ruin it?"
"because i haven't felt like this in a long time," cassie groans. "i don't think i ever have until you."
"cassie, for the love of god, what do you mean?!"
"i'm in love with you!" she blurts out.
for a second, you think the world stopped spinning. or you stopped breathing altogether.
"i'm in love with you," cassie repeats, a little softer this time. but she feels more free. "i didn't mean to. i tried so hard to fight it because you're my friend and you deserve better than me and all my baggage -"
"shut up," you whisper then crash your lips with hers. cassie's lips are soft and you're swiftly getting addicted to them, to her. she tastes like cherries and something distinctively cassie.
cassie's hand flies to your head, tenderly cradling your cheeks as she kisses back with reciprocated intensity.
for a moment, no words need to be said that your lips haven't already communicated with each other. in the soft light of the room, your eyes lock with cassie's now dark blues.
"i missed you," you say softly against her chest.
"i missed you too." she kisses the side of your head. "i was an idiot."
"you are," you agree, but a small smile cracks through. "but you're my idiot."
it was the end of your shift, you were just grabbing your belongings from your locker, when you felt cassie’s presence.
she had hand on your hip, encouraging you to face her, the other settling on the side of your face before her lips pressed against yours.
you quickly freed one hand, pushing your sweater back into the bottom of your locker, so you could wrap around her and pull her body into yours. you felt her smile into the kiss before she pulled back slowly.
“wow,” you breathed. cassie’s hand remained on your hip, the other sliding down your arm. “what was that for?”
Summary: Cassie gets a little jealous when a patient gets smitten with you.
Pairing/s: Cassie Mckay x Female Paramedic!Reader
Tags: jealous!cassie, a man trying to flirt with r!, short fluff
Word Count: 1K
A/N: This one has been sitting on my docs for a long time too. Could be read as a companion to stitches and kisses.
AO3
Cassie had just stepped out of the ambulance bay. She is supposed to take a ten-minute break and call Harrison to know how her kid is doing but no, she can't have that now apparently because another ambulance parks in the emergency bay. She sighs loudly, shooting a quick text to Harrison then putting the phone back in her pocket.
“What do you - hey.” Cassie stops for a second and smiles at the sight of you, disheveled and sweaty. “You can't just stay away from me, can you?”
“Why would I wanna do that?” You quip, smirking. You jump out of the back of the ambulance while your partner helps you wheel out the patient.
“What do we have here?” Cassie asks, rolling up the sleeves of her jacket.
“This is Kennedy Ramos, 35. BP is 140/80, sats are 95% at 6 liters nasal cannula. Fractured right leg, secured through a splint. Multiple abrasions on legs and arms. Neck secured, just in case. Fell from a two-storey building, hit a small roof, then a trash can, then the ground. They were filming a parkour video,” You say and Cassie makes a face. “Don't ask me.”
“Mr. Ramos, how’s the pain?” Cassie asks the patient, pressing on a tender spot on his leg, as you and your partner wheel the stretcher in.
“Oh, it's… it hurts everywhere. But pretty eyes here made it all a bit better,” Kennedy answers, looking up at you with a hopeful smile.
You roll your eyes, glancing at Cassie. “No signs of head injury then?”
Cassie chuckles. “We’ll see about that, pretty eyes.”
“Shut up.” You try to bite back a smile as you push the stretcher.
Once the patient is transferred into a bed, you let the doctors and nurses do their job and step aside. You and your partner pull the ambulance stretcher out but stop once the patient calls you again. Pretty eyes.
Cassie looks at you, too. Well, everyone does now.
“Can I get your number?”
This man, this incredibly stupid parkour man. You got to admire the audacity of him shooting his shot despite the pain though.
“9-1-1,” is all you say to him.
Everyone laughs except Cassie.
Uh, oh.
“See ya later, busy bees.” You offer a salute before leaving.
“I saw that,” your partner says, grinning. “Girl, you're in trouble.”
“I am not.” There is a slight quiver in your tone. “Why would I be?”
“I don't know. Probably because that stupid parkour guy was flirting with you.”
“And how is that my fault?”
“Not my problem, dude.”
-
You’re back in the ED of PTMC around 4pm with another patient. You're on the stretcher, hovering over a patient's body, legs on both sides of the patient's waist and doing continuous chest compressions as two people push the stretcher that you're in.
“Code blue!” You shout as you enter the pitt.
Your partner endorses the patient's details to the receiving doctors and nurses - Robby, Dana, Princess, Samira, and Victoria - while you're being wheeled into a trauma room with your coding patient.
“I need a sub!” You call out, losing your strength from performing CPR for nearly half an hour now.
“I got it!” A med student steps in for the compressions and you carefully alight the stretcher.
“Careful, pretty eyes,” you hear Princess say as she assists you in getting off the bed.
“Pretty eyes?” You huff.
“That’s right. I hear things,” Princess replies with a smirk.
“Did Cassie talk to you?”
“Chismis finds its way to me, girl.”
“No doubt about that.”
“Princess, we need a little help here.” Robby calls before she can answer.
You step out of the trauma room, dusting yourself off and smoothing out your uniform. The light blue is now covered with spatters of dry blood. You wash your hands and arms on the nearest sink you can find.
“You look like hell, baby.” You turn around at the familiar voice. Cassie moves closer to you. “You okay?”
“I’m fine, Cassie.” You reassure her. “The patient coded twice in the ambulance. Vehicular accident.”
“Do you have a spare uniform in the ambulance?”
“It's fine. I’m clocking out in three hours anyway.”
“I have a spare uniform for you in my locker.”
Your eyes widen in surprise. “You have?”
“Why do you think a pair of yours went missing?”
“Cassie Mckay?!”
You follow her to the locker room. She punches in her code which you immediately recognize is your birthday. Something flutters in your stomach.
“Why do you have my uniform here?” You ask.
Cassie shrugs then takes out a neatly packed pair of your uniform from her locker. “For emergencies like this.”
“That's…” You're speechless at her thoughtfulness. Cassie has always taken care of you in many ways but sometimes, it still surprises you. You have no idea what you did to deserve her. “Thank you, baby.”
“You're welcome, pretty eyes.”
“God, stop with that already.” You huff in annoyance, unable to hide the blush on your cheeks.
“He has not shut the fuck up about you, by the way.”
“Who?”
“Mr. Ramos.”
“He’s delirious.”
“And smitten.”
“Are you mad?”
“No,” Cassie quickly answers, folding her arms. “Just a little annoyed. With him, not with you.”
“He’s a patient.”
“A stupidly annoying one.”
Cassie doesn't get jealous. Not really, at least. She trusts you and you will forever be grateful for that privilege. But you know she's possessive and territorial and at times, she finds it hard to reign it in especially when it comes to you. She's just very protective when it comes to those she loves - you and Harrison will always be on top of that list.
“Come here.” Your hands grip on the hem of her scrub shirt, pulling her close to you. “I’m yours.”
“I know,” she says with a scoff, looking anywhere but your eyes.
Your finger tugs on the chain on her neck. “Look at me, Cass.”
And just like that, Cassie looks like an obedient puppy. Her blue eyes meet yours and she's pouting slightly. Your heart melts at the soft and vulnerable look on her face. One she saves only for you.
“I love you, Cassie.”
“I love you too.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
“I just worry. Sometimes.” Cassie sighs deeply. She knows it's ridiculous. She knows you are hers. In all the ways that matter. “It’s stupid.”
“You have nothing to worry about, baby. I promise.” You give her a quick peck on the lips. “I’m yours.”
Cassie presses her forehead against yours. “Good. I want to keep it that way forever.”
both of you just can’t fathom that the other is into the other like
explaining every situation away as “oh she was just-“ or “she says that to everyone surely”
what would actually take the two of you to notice? my brain goes straight to angst like something bad happening to the other and a confession when they’re unconscious.
the thought of cassie at your bedside for hours. when she finally takes a break (prompted by dana) she just withdraws from any touch offered and says bluntly. “i should’ve fucking told her.” i feel sick
oh, you want angst?
it wasn't supposed to be like this.
cassie had just asked you out. you said yes. you went home so happy and giddy and you swore you could reach the moon because fuck gravity.
you were so happy.
now, you're lying in a hospital bed that you've probably touched a hundred times with different patients on it.
you're bleeding out.
cassie came back to the hospital as soon as she heard. "where is she?" she slammed her hand on the counter of the station. lena tried to calm the doctor down but she was too far out of her mind, worried about you.
it was abbot that approached cassie in attempt to reassure her that they're doing their best -
"i know the line," cassie growls. "how is she? tell me."
"not good," abbot sighs. he explained how two bullets penetrated your lung and the other your spleen. cassie knew all the risks and complications; jack didn't have to go word for word from a textbook. "do you pray?"
"it's hard to pray to some god who has not been there for me," cassie answered bitterly.
jack understood what she meant. "then do it for her. she will need a lot of it."
the night shift handed you off to surgery. walsh accepted you in the OR. her eyes followed cassie who was sitting alone in the waiting room, face buried into her palms. was she praying?
"a white man in her 20's started shooting people on the bus around 9:15pm traveling from -"
cassie yelled at the television. a cleaning lady turned it off.
-
the surgery finished four hours later.
four. fucking. hours.
it's 3am. cassie didn't sleep a wink, couldn't even close her eyes. afraid that if she did, she'll wake up in a world without you.
walsh came out of the OR, taking off her cap and mask.
"mckay," she called. cassie almost stumbled.
"how is she?"
"coded twice on the table," cassie's breath hitched, throat dry. "but we managed to get her back."
walsh had explained the procedure and cassie, sleep deprived and anxious, wasn't sure she's getting all of it but she nodded anyway.
"she'll be transported to her room in a few." the surgeon's eyes search for cassie's. "i didn't know you two finally got your shit together and started dating."
cassie was too drained to manage a laugh. "i just asked her out before we went home. i even... i even waited for her to get in the bus," cassie felt her head spinning, heart beating wildly in her chest, and suddenly her breaths grew uneven. "i should've just drove her home. i should have -"
"hey," walsh squeezed her arm to ground her. "no one knew a random person would start shooting people inside a bus, mckay. wrong place, wrong time, and stupid gun laws."
cassie couldn't stop the tears anymore.
walsh, for her part, wasn't good at comforting people, least of all colleagues. but she stayed for a minute so cassie wouldn't be alone in her grief.
-
when you woke up a full day later, weak, groggy, and intubated, the first thing you felt was the back of your hand being kissed.
"you're awake," cassie breathed. "oh, my love, you're awake."
cassie sobbed on your shoulder, squeezing your hand gently, careful not to hurt you. she whispered thank you's and "i'm so glad you're okay" and "how are you feeling?". what struck you the most was when she sighed "i love you" and kissed the side of your head.
summary: you move to pittsburgh for your first job at ptmc, accidentally make out with a hot stranger at a bar the night before orientation, and then find out she’s cassie mckay from your department so now your entire career is basically a hostage situation
wc:4.5k
the roads make no sense. every hill feels vertical. the weather changes every four minutes. and everyone at the grocery store somehow walks faster than you.
you spend your entire first week in pittsburgh convinced you’ve made a catastrophic mistake.
not because the city’s bad, exactly.
it’s just… aggressive.
plus your apartment still smells vaguely like cardboard because half your life is sitting in unpacked boxes against the wall.
“you’re spiraling again,” your roommate says from the couch.
you look up from your laptop. “i’m preparing.”
“you’ve reread the ptmc employee handbook six times.”
“because what if i miss something important?”
“it’s literally just hr policies.”
“what if there’s a secret test?”
she stares at you.
“you think hospitals secretly test people?”
“i don’t know! maybe!”
your roommate snorts loudly before tossing popcorn at your head.
“you need to calm down before tomorrow.”
“i am calm.”
“you alphabetized your skincare products an hour ago.”
“that means nothing.”
“it means you’re one bad thought away from medically significant stress.”
you groan and let your head fall back against the couch dramatically.
tomorrow is your first official shift at ptmc.
your first actual hospital job.
your first real adult job.
which sounds exciting in theory until you remember you’re twenty-three years old and still google things like how long is socially acceptable eye contact before it becomes threatening.
“come out tonight,” your roommate says suddenly.
you narrow your eyes immediately. “absolutely not.”
“you’ve been sitting here panicking for two straight days.”
“because i work at a hospital tomorrow.”
“exactly why you should drink tonight.”
“that logic feels dangerous.”
“and yet correct.”
you almost refuse.
seriously.
you even open your mouth to say no before realizing maybe she’s right. maybe sitting in your apartment stress-cleaning the kitchen for the fourth time isn’t helping.
so two hours later you’re getting ready in your tiny bathroom while your roommate blasts music from the other room and yells unhelpful commentary through the wall.
“wear the black top!”
“it makes me look nervous!”
“you are nervous!”
“exactly!”
eventually you settle on jeans, boots, and the black long sleeve anyway because apparently humiliation is important for personal growth.
the bar downtown is packed by the time you get there.
not club-level packed. worse somehow. crowded enough that everyone keeps bumping shoulders and yelling over the music while bartenders move around at terrifying speed trying not to die.
a hockey game plays on the tv above the bar.
someone in the back screams every thirty seconds.
your roommate disappears almost instantly after recognizing somebody from work, leaving you alone near the bar clutching your drink like emotional support.
you check your phone.
11:14 pm.
you should probably go home early.
be responsible.
sleep before your shift.
instead you order another drink.
“vodka cranberry?”
the voice beside you sounds genuinely offended.
you turn automatically.
and immediately forget what functioning normally feels like.
the woman sitting beside you looks exhausted in the hottest possible way.
brown hair shoved back messily. black sweater with the sleeves pushed up. tired eyes sharp enough to make your stomach flip instantly.
she glances at your drink with visible judgment.
“that’s your order?”
you blink once. “wow.”
“i’m serious.”
“it’s literally vodka and cranberry juice.”
“it’s basically fruit punch.”
“okay rude.”
she snorts softly into her non-alcoholic drink.
“you’re new here.”
it catches you off guard. “what?”
“you’ve looked terrified since you walked in.”
“i do not look terrified.”
she raises one eyebrow slowly.
“…okay maybe a little terrified.”
“figured.”
you should probably be annoyed.
instead you laugh.
and apparently that interests her because she turns toward you more fully now, elbow resting against the bar.
“cassie,” she says finally.
you tell her your name.
her hand brushes yours briefly when you shake it.
rings cold against your skin.
your brain immediately decides to stop working.
cool.
great start.
“so,” cassie says, “what’s the crisis?”
“what?”
“people only look this stressed at bars for three reasons. breakups, work, or family issues.”
“maybe i just have anxious energy.”
“that falls under work.”
you laugh despite yourself.
cassie smiles slightly after making you laugh like she wasn’t fully expecting it.
it softens her face.
which honestly just makes the situation worse.
“i start a new job tomorrow,” you admit.
“that explains the panic.”
“i’m trying to act normal about it.”
“you’re failing a little.”
“thank you. that’s very comforting.”
cassie lifts her beer casually. “happy to help.”
there’s something weirdly easy about talking to her.
like you’ve known her longer than fifteen minutes.
you tell yourself it’s because she’s funny. sarcastic in a dry exhausted kind of way that makes you want to keep making her laugh just to hear it again.
you talk about moving to the city.
cassie complains about pittsburgh traffic with genuine hatred.
you complain about unpacking.
cassie tells you she once lived out of boxes for four months because she hated furniture shopping.
“that’s insane.”
“i had a mattress and a tv. what else do you need?”
“basic human stability?”
“sounds fake.”
you laugh loud enough that a couple people glance over.
cassie notices.
she smiles into her drink after that in a way that makes your chest feel weird.
you really need to get it together.
the longer the conversation goes, the more obvious it becomes that cassie flirts completely by accident.
or maybe on purpose.
you honestly can’t tell.
she keeps leaning closer when you talk. her knee brushes yours under the bar and stays there. every time you say something that makes her laugh, she looks at your mouth afterward for half a second too long.
it’s driving you insane.
“what kind of job?” she asks eventually.
“hospital.”
cassie groans immediately.
“oh no.”
“that bad?”
“depends. you enjoy sleeping?”
“already terrified actually.”
“good. realistic expectations.”
“you work in healthcare too?”
she takes another sip of beer instead of answering right away.
“unfortunately.”
“that sounds personal.”
“because it is.”
before you can ask more, somebody squeezes too close behind you trying to reach the bar. you stumble sideways slightly and cassie’s hand lands automatically on your waist.
your brain short-circuits immediately.
cassie steadies you easily.
warm hand. firm grip. smells like expensive perfume and beer and something clean underneath it.
you stop breathing for a second.
“you okay?” she asks.
you stare at her.
cassie’s eyes flick briefly to your mouth.
“yeah,” you say finally.
your voice comes out embarrassingly soft.
cassie definitely notices.
the corner of her mouth twitches slightly.
“you’re cute when you’re nervous.”
your entire nervous system catches on fire.
“i’m not nervous.”
“sure.”
“seriously.”
“your face is red.”
“the bar’s hot.”
cassie laughs quietly.
you want to die.
instead you take a huge sip of your drink while she watches with obvious amusement.
god.
she’s unbearable.
you like her immediately.
which feels dangerous.
because cassie looks like exactly the kind of person capable of ruining your life accidentally.
the hockey game ends eventually.
the bar gets louder afterward somehow. people crowd closer together. your roommate sends you a text from somewhere across the building.
having fun??? or are you still clinically anxious
before you can answer, cassie speaks again.
“dance with me.”
you blink. “what?”
“you heard me.”
“i actually might not have. this music is criminally loud.”
cassie rolls her eyes, smiling.
“come dance with me.”
you should say no.
mostly because you’re already making enough of a fool of yourself.
instead you follow her immediately.
pathetic.
the dance floor is packed shoulder-to-shoulder.
lights flash across everyone in quick colors while bass rattles through your chest hard enough to feel in your ribs.
cassie moves close instantly.
hands settling on your waist like they belong there.
your brain fully gives up after that.
“still nervous?” she asks over the music.
“you ask that a lot.”
“because you keep looking at me like i’m gonna bite you.”
“maybe i’m deciding if i’d survive it.”
cassie laughs loudly enough this time that you feel weirdly accomplished.
“there she is,” she says.
“what?”
“you stopped overthinking for five seconds.”
you open your mouth to respond but cassie steps closer suddenly and every coherent thought evaporates.
she’s warm.
really warm.
one of her hands slides slightly higher against your side while people move around you in blurred lights and noise.
you can smell her perfume again.
your stomach flips violently.
“you flirt with strangers often?” you ask, mostly to distract yourself from the fact your heart is trying to kill you.
“only cute ones.”
you groan immediately. “that was terrible.”
“and yet effective.”
unfortunately true.
you hate that she knows it too.
cassie’s eyes stay fixed on yours for a second too long.
then your mouth.
then back up again.
the tension suddenly feels insane.
like genuinely unbearable.
you barely know this woman and somehow she already feels dangerous in a way you can’t explain.
“you’re staring again,” she says softly.
“you’re very distracting.”
“sounds like a personal problem.”
“everything about you feels like a personal problem actually.”
cassie smiles slowly at that.
and then — because apparently your self-preservation instincts have fully left your body — you grab the front of her shirt and kiss her.
cassie freezes for maybe half a second before kissing you back hard enough to make your knees weak.
holy shit.
her hand moves immediately to the back of your neck while the other tightens against your waist, pulling you closer through the crowd.
everything else disappears.
the music. the people. the lights.
gone.
all you can think about is cassie kissing you like she’s been wanting to do it for hours too.
she tastes like beer and mint.
one of your hands slides into her curls without thinking and cassie makes this soft sound against your mouth that nearly kills you instantly.
when you finally pull apart, both of you look equally wrecked.
cassie stares at you for one long second.
then laughs breathlessly.
“well,” she says, “that explains a lot.”
you cover your face immediately.
“oh my god.”
“don’t do that.”
cassie catches your wrist gently before you can fully hide.
her thumb brushes against your skin absentmindedly.
“i liked it.”
your stomach flips again.
before you can respond, cassie’s phone starts vibrating aggressively in her pocket.
she groans instantly.
“if this is work, i’m gonna start biting people.”
“healthy coping mechanism.”
“thank you.”
she pulls her phone out.
you watch her expression shift slightly while she reads whatever message popped up.
tiredness settling back into her face.
“everything okay?” you ask.
cassie sighs. “yeah. hospital stuff.”
“at midnight?”
“healthcare doesn’t believe in peace.”
you laugh softly. “guess i’ll learn that soon enough.”
cassie glances up. “what hospital?”
“ptmc.”
everything stops.
cassie goes completely still.
“…what?”
your stomach drops immediately.
“what?”
“you work at ptmc?”
cassie stares at you for two full seconds before dragging a hand down her face dramatically.
“you have got to be kidding me.”
oh no.
“what.”
“what department?”
you tell her quietly.
cassie blinks once.
then starts laughing.
actually laughing.
“no fucking way.”
your soul leaves your body.
“why are you reacting like that?”
“because,” cassie says through laughter, “you’re literally working with me tomorrow.”
silence.
horrible devastating silence.
the kind where your entire body goes numb from embarrassment.
“i’m quitting,” you say immediately.
cassie laughs harder.
“before orientation?”
“i kissed my coworker in a bar less than twelve hours before my first shift.”
“future coworker.”
“that doesn’t help.”
you genuinely consider running away.
moving cities again maybe.
changing your identity.
cassie watches your complete internal breakdown with obvious amusement.
“relax,” she says finally.
“easy for you to say.”
“i’m not gonna make it weird.”
you stare at her. “cassie.”
“okay fair point.”
“you literally flirt like it’s a medical condition.”
she grins. “and you kissed me anyway.”
unfortunately true.
people move around you while you stand there dying internally.
cassie steps slightly closer again.
close enough that your heart immediately starts acting stupid all over.
“you’ll survive tomorrow,” she says softer now.
“unlikely.”
“promise.”
the way she says it makes something twist weirdly in your chest.
before you can respond, somebody nearby yells cassie’s name.
you glance over automatically.
a tall guy near the bar is waving at her while another woman beside him looks exhausted enough to collapse.
cassie sighs immediately.
“shit.”
“friends?”
“coworkers.”
she says it with the specific tone of somebody who’s been through war with them.
you laugh slightly.
cassie looks back at you afterward, expression softer than before.
“you should probably go home if you start work tomorrow.”
“wow. kicking me out already.”
“i’m being responsible.”
“that seems fake coming from you.”
“rude.”
you smile despite yourself.
there’s a weird pause afterward.
not awkward exactly.
just… quiet.
like neither of you really wants the night to end yet.
cassie breaks first.
“what color scrubs are they making you wear?”
you blink. “blue?”
“hm.”
“what?”
“nothing.”
“cassie.”
she smiles slowly. “blue’ll look good on you.”
your face immediately heats up again.
cassie looks way too pleased with herself.
“you’re horrible.”
“and yet you still kissed me.”
“starting to think i need therapy.”
“probably.”
you snort loudly enough that cassie laughs too.
god.
you really like her laugh.
“okay,” cassie says eventually. “seriously. go home. sleep.”
“bossy.”
“occupational hazard.”
“you literally don’t supervise me.”
“not yet.”
your stomach does a violent terrifying thing at that.
cassie notices immediately.
the smug look on her face becomes unbearable.
“oh my god,” you mutter.
“there it is again.”
“what?”
“the nervous thing.”
“you’re making me nervous on purpose.”
“because it’s cute.”
you hate how much you like hearing that.
cassie’s coworkers yell for her again from across the room.
this time she rolls her eyes dramatically.
“coming,” she shouts back before looking at you again.
there’s that weird softness in her expression now that definitely wasn’t there earlier.
it catches you off guard a little.
“see you tomorrow,” she says.
you groan instantly. “please don’t remind me.”
cassie laughs.
then steps closer one last time, fingers brushing lightly against your wrist.
“wear the black top again sometime.”
your brain fully stops functioning.
cassie smirks slightly like she knows exactly what she’s done before turning away through the crowd.
you stand there frozen for a full ten seconds afterward.
then your roommate suddenly appears beside you holding two drinks.
she takes one look at your face.
“…what happened.”
you stare blankly ahead.
“i think i accidentally made out with my future coworker.”
excerpts from a fic i’ll never write | entry three
“i just can’t keep doing this trin,” you whisper before you start to walk away, your eyes still on her as you add “i’m tired of hiding”
she gently grabs your wrist and pulls you back. “don’t give up on us.” her eyebrows furrowing. “please”
“there is no us…” you sigh, feeling her grip loosen. she was always gentle with you but you could tell she didn’t want to let you go without a fight. “not if you want to keep me a secret.”
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