Thonnir, the worst companion in Skyrim
I was forced to drag him along with me after he decided that the two of us were going to kill a master vampire. Thonnir wanted to kill that master vampire because he helped turn most of Thonnir’s village into vampires. Thonnir’s dumb wife got bitten by a vampire then burned down a house and killed another dude’s wife and kid. Then his dumb wife tried to kill me, and since you can’t stop and talk things out with a vampire, I bonked her over the head with my mace and killed her. Then I took all her stuff, ‘cause hey, this dead vampire’s got stuff on her! Thanks for the new robe, ya vampire!
Anyway, Thonnir insisted we travel together, so my normal companion, Lydia, went home to wherever the hell she goes, and I quickly found out that Thonnir is the shittiest companion to ever exist. We went into that master vampire’s lair and I kept getting my ass kicked, and Thonnir could only take a few hits before he got on one knee and started crying like a little baby, so I ran away to try other quests and get stronger.
I figured when I fled the vampire’s lair that Thonnir would just stay outside it and wait for me to come back, right? I could go and get Lydia back, level up, then come back later and kill that vampire with stupid Thonnir. Only he didn’t stay at that lair. Thonnir was my new travel buddy, and there was no way to tell him to go away forever. And it got worse.
Here’s how a normal companion behaves:
Your companion can carry your extra stuff.
You can issue instructions to your companion (e.g. “Wait here,” “Attack that person,” etc.).
You can hurt your companion and they won’t attack you back.
Your companion will only die if you deliver the killing blow.
Your companion will always find you eventually, even if you lose them.
Turns out, Thonnir’s not a full companion. His partnership with you follows a similar format, but he’s more of a throwaway character, so I’m assuming the game developers just didn’t give him the same rules.
Here’s how Thonnir the Stupid Asshole behaved:
Thonnir wouldn’t carry my extra stuff.
Thonnir would start attacking me if I accidentally hit him.
Accidentally attacking Thonnir would also put a bounty on my head, so the next time I went to his hometown, I’d be chased by guards.
Thonnir could never die. If he attacked me and I attacked him until his health hit zero, he’d fall to one knee until his health came back, then he’d start attacking me again.
Once Thonnir decided he wanted to kill me, the only way to get him to stop was to ditch him. He’d come back eventually just like other companions would, and when he returned his aggression would be gone. Maybe it’s because he’d had time to think about how stupid he is.
Thonnir would never go away. I could injure him and leave him for dead, but he’d just come right back.
Over the next few quests, we’d be okay for a while, but then I’d hit an enemy with a fireball and he’d be close enough to take a little splash damage, then suddenly that big doofus would start swinging at me instead of the bad guys and I’d have to take him down. Then I’d move on without him while his health recharged, then a few seconds later he’d come right back and try to kill me. He was the the Robin to my Batman, if Robin was an immortal, aggressive moron with an axe and Batman hated him.
Most NPCs (non-player characters, to those of you non-nerds) tend to say a few pre-set things every once in a while. “How ‘bout this war we’re having?” “I like/dislike my village.” “I am a farmer.” And so on. It’s a way to keep the most minor characters at least somewhat lifelike. It makes sense. If you’re designing an expansive virtual world, you don’t want to fill it with a bunch of mute laborers.
So, being a minor NPC himself, Thonnir had a few canned phrases he’d repeat at random intervals. You know what his favorite topic for idle chitchat was? His dead wife. Specifically, how hard it was going to be to raise his son without her. What a fun guy! We’d be sneaking through a fortress of bandits together, and I’d be watching for enemies or traps when he’d blurt out, “MY WIFE IS DEAD.”
To make matters worse, I killed his wife, which just makes him a passive-aggressive jerk. I get it, dude! You don’t have a wife anymore! Maybe she ran away and became a vampire because you’re whiny and you suck at fighting? You’re the worst.
Eventually we went back to that vampire’s lair and finished the job that bound us. We killed that jerk vampire at his own dinner table, actually. It was awkward. And why’d he have a dinner table? Doesn’t he eat blood to survive? Why’d he have so much cheese? I hope he was actually a vampire and not just a pale guy in a bathrobe.
Anyway, after we killed the master vampire (and/or possible computer programmer) Thonnir thanked me and went home. I reunited with Lydia, my non-shitty companion from before. I haven’t seen Thonnir since, but one time I was in his town for whatever reason and I walked past his house. I was tempted to steal everything he had and then fill his house with brooms and other garbage. He’d just be this stupid video game character with a house filled with brooms, and I’d hate him.
