This is the whoosh!

This is a blog dedicated to what the characters of Étoile definitely might have said.

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Sorry about not posting quotes last week or this week. I am really swamped with my college courses this summer. More incorrect Étoile quotes will be coming soon, probably next week.

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Gabin, before his ankle surgery: If I die during the operation will you do one thing for me?

Tobias: Oh, anything, sweetheart.

Gabin: Blow up the hospital.

Tobias: Hmm, well... I said I’d do it so I guess I’ll have to.

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Quinn, about Uncle John: The only woman figure he's ever had in his entire life was...

Jack: Oh, it was mom.

Quinn: Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. Huh, poor guy.

Jack: I can't imagine.

Quinn: Neither can I.

Jack, after a moment of silence: Wait, we had mom.

Quinn: You know, in a way, she was our mom.

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Cheyenne: I would not need your love if I was a worm. I would be too busy nourishing myself in soil and eating rotten fruit. In fact, you are inconsequential to me as a worm. You serve no purpose.

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Clara: Don't you judge me. You're the selfish one. You're the one who charged his own sister for a frozen banana. I mean, it's one banana, Jack. What could it cost, ten dollars?

Jack: You've never actually set foot in a supermarket, have you?

Clara: I don't have time for this.

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Geneviève: People perceive you as somewhat...

Cheyenne: Tempestuous?

Geneviève: "Heinous bitch" is the term used most often.

Cheyenne: *smiling to herself*

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Tobias, trying to find choreography music, after Jack asked him to teach the children's class: Let's make a playlist starting with some oldies.

First Child: How about 50 Cent, "In Da Club"?

Tobias: Ok, no, that's not an oldie, and you shouldn't be listening to that.

Second Child: "Umbrella" by Rihanna?

Tobias: Also not an oldie. An oldie is something from a different era.

Third Child: Like "A Milli" by Lil Wayne?

Tobias: That came out in 2005.

Third Child: I was born in 2018.

Susu: Mr. Tobias, what were iPods like?

Tobias: ... We're going to dance to "Let it Go".

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Clea, during Raphaël's performance review: Have you ever used the assistant, Lucien, as a footstool, monsieur Marchand?

Raphaël, nervously: Um... I- Madame, I use a variety of, um, target oriented, um incentives to enhance optimal performance.

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So, I saw an ad on Prime Video's Tiktok page where they were celebrating pride month with queer kisses from their shows and no Étoile. No Tobias and Gabin. The disrespect never ends.

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Tobias: One time a guy at a bar asked me if i use an electric tooth brush and i said “no, acoustic” and he turned his back to me and started talking to someone else.

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Tobias, attending Mass as a favor to Gabin: *takes money out of the collection plate*

Gabin, still holding onto the plate: What are you doing?

Tobias: Taking my change?

Gabin: Tobias, you don't get change.

Tobias, sarcastically: Right, Gabin, like I'm going to give them a whole five dollars. That's definitely happening.

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Gabin, picking who he wants to perform in Tobias' piece about his life: Matthieu, I think you should play the role of my father.

Matthieu: I don’t want to be your father.

Gabin: That’s perfect. You already know your lines.

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Tobias, about wearing a tie: But it hurts my Tobias' apple.

Geneviève: Ok, for the last time, it's not named after each individual man.

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Gabin: I hate responsibilities, I should be having gay sex instead.

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Tobias: Yeah, I know, you want to do that thing where we're arguing and fighting, but then suddenly it's like "woah this is hot" and we start making out. Dream on!

Gabin: ...

Tobias, already pulling Gabin into the rehearsal room: Or whatever, let's just do it.

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Jack, on the phone with Quinn: Apparently, Uncle John's little freak-out gave Shamblee the shits. Weak leadership, fractured at the top. You let him fucking shrivel, Crispin saw that. And now he has, quote, "Zero faith in the post-Uncle John leadership".

Quinn: It's not my fault he's an old man who can't climb a fucking hill.

Jack: We're about to lose the theater at the shareholders meet, all because you wouldn't give our uncle a timely fucking Evian. Good day. *Hangs up the phone.*

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Tobias, annoyed that Jack keeps trying to contact him: Oh, now he's calling me. Oh, good, good. You could just text, but no! Call me, call me! I want to hear from you!