Phantom Stranger

✷ a helpless and wreckless attempt at expression ✷ main blog: tondiable ✷

[etrangerfantome]

Seeking a penpal

Hello friends ☺️✌🏻

Recently I've been craving someone to exchange letters with, and maybe occasionally some small goodies as well (pressed flowers, photos, tea etc etc) I used to have a number of penpals for years while I was in highschool, but fell out of it as I became older. I'm currently 26, and I've been wanting to get back into writing letters. Please send me a message with a small description of yourself if you're interested in writing with me!

Some info about me, and what I'm looking for;

Like I said, I'm 26, I'm also female, so I would prefer to write with someone 21-35, I'm not too picky with age but will not include minors. I'm also not picky about gender. I live in Florida, and would prefer to write to someone within the states, but I'm willing to write internationally as well ☺️ I'm a writer and an artist as well as an avid reader. I love cryptids and spooky things and true crime, and of course I love a good podcast. I really know nothing when it comes to pop culture, movies and shows but I would still love to hear about your favorite things!

Please reach out only if you are seriously interested in exchanging letters.🖤

[etrangerfantome]

getting high off neon lights

strip teasing their way across my walls,

pretending that the world around me isnt paper thin,

or infested with beautiful illusions,

or boys with sharp tongues.

infantile thoughts leech out

of my maggot rotted brain

and i'm

trying to keep my wits

about me

when really it's my wits

ends that are dragging me

further into a world that i dont recognize;

and i am terrfied,

i'm so fucking terrified.

i swear to god if i dont bleed

before i die

then what will i have suffered for.

-B

[etrangerfantome]

J'ai ressenti tous tes sentiments

et tous les miens aussi.

J'ai recommencé à fumer des cigarettes,

pour que ma bouche ait le goût de toi.

-B

[etrangerfantome]

I’ve been feeling all of your feelings

And all of mine too.

I started smoking cigarettes again

To make my mouth taste like you.

-B

[etrangerfantome]

my heart is a heaving,

blackened, mud-soaked thing.

torn and threadbare

bloodless but still beating.

sewn desperately into nothing, no one.

-B

[etrangerfantome]

I know I’m not

Enough for you

How could I be

When you’re the star soaked sky

And I’m a

Mottled forgotten stain

On days old

Dirty laundry.

I just wanted

To love you

And to be loved by you.

How could

I be.

When I

Am a raging river

Of woman

And you’re

The cowardly man made dam

In my way.

Solid in your false morals

Bracing against your spineless ego

For something you

Knew you never could

Contain.

I know I’m

Too much for you.

How could I not be

When you’re barely a refraction

and I am

The light, the heat, molten inside the earth.

-B

[etrangerfantome]

je jure que parfois

mon cœur semble

plus rapide que 

mon poignet ne peut

manier un crayon,

mais je vais quand

même essayer de calmer

ce cœur blessé.

des pleurs dont seuls

les corbeaux et les tourterelles

tristes témoignent.

tacheté de gouttes

de rosée du soleil sur ses cils,

je peux sentir mes os revenir

et j'ai envie de mouvement.

les lilas ont refleuri

sans toi.

encore.

—B

[etrangerfantome]

I could stitch together every moment ripped open in sadness with pink thread and psilocybin.

--B

[etrangerfantome]

i swear

sometimes my heart feels

faster than my wrist can

weild a pencil

but still i will try

to quiet this hurting heart.

weeping that

only the crows and

the mourning doves

bare witness to.

speckled with sunlight

dewdrops on her eyelashes

i can feel my bones

coming back

and im craving motion.

the lilacs bloomed

again without

you. again.

--B

[etrangerfantome]

every craved, romantic moment of depraved solitude I'm feeling today is simply a reminder, a memory of every tortured moment before it.

have human hearts always swelled so much, have they always been this wonderful and heavy?

and too, i wonder, is the human soul truly just a list of questions, unanswered? has the eath truly been perfect forever?

--B

[etrangerfantome]

I breathe in fire, and urge your manifestation with my exhale. I crave your electricity. I’m itching for the lighting bolts you surge through me. I hear your phantom noises. My mind recreating in the background what I wish I could hear. What I should hear.

Silence is painful. Your absence, unbearable. If only I were more powerful. If only I could conjure you myself. To ease the discomfort I feel when searching for you in a place I know you’re not. In a place you should be. I wish to be where you are. Wherever that is. I wish to be where you are and away from this torturous labyrinth of lack...

--B

[etrangerfantome]

Sometimes it feels like if I squeeze my eyes shut hard enough I’ll go back to where I was before. Something about making a wish and pinching your own arm feels like it should be a reset button. To go back a few years. To have made a hundred less mistakes. To see things more clearly and less muddled up by the world around. To be less bitter, less jaded, less wise.

Things in other times seem easier. Simpler and romantic. Whatever we’re dealing with right now seems so hard, so heavy and burdening. Something about living in the current moment, experiencing and accepting the world for what it is... just doesn’t satisfy me. I yearn to live in another time, another world. To be a different girl. To have a different story.

To close my eyes fall asleep in a country, who’s lights twinkle well into the night as it’s people fall deeply, deeply in love with one another.

—B

[etrangerfantome]

I watched the snow falling outside of my bedroom window alone this year. Last year I watched the same scenery with you, sharing warmth under the covers. It’s so much colder this year. I shiver to myself and roll over to get the beautiful stark white landscape out of my line of sight. I am nauseous. Riddled with thoughts of you, visions of you, phantom touches from you. 

— B

[etrangerfantome]

I want out. I surrender. I’ve thrown my white flag. I’m done, I’m finished, I’ve seen my fill. To throw one more piece of coal into the furnace that fuels me is a devastating waste. As am I. The oxygen I breathe is stolen resources from others. The water I drink, the space I take up, the gas I use in my car. All wasted. All wasted on a sad, empty, lost girl. Who the fuck am I? Where the hell did I go? Je suis perdu, Je suis léger. 

—B

[etrangerfantome]

I want to love you. Not like the sun loves the moon. Not like the clouds love their shadows. I want to love you the way dew drops love clinging to leaves. The way the steam of a volcano loves to dance dangerously above the lava. The way avalanches love to fall. I want to love you loudly. Recklessly. Violently. I want to touch you and pull you and squeeze and grab and rip you. I want to break you. I want to put you in between my teeth and tear you open. I won’t love you the way children love cotton candy or the way grandmothers love to knit. I won’t love you the way star gazers admire the view, or the way wanderers love the warmth of a hearth. I’ll love you the way potters love molding clay, the way drunk musicians love smashing instruments. I will love you the way the ocean loves crashing itself fiercely onto the shores and the way orcas love chasing seals.

--B

[etrangerfantome]

—Get your face out of my head. Get your smell out of my sheets. Get your groans out of my ears. Erase your smirks, mute your soft laughter, white out your dark eyes and pull your power out of my body. I could fold into you, the way a marionette doll folds in on itself when the curtain is drawn. I could explore you, feeling and making note of each valley, crevice, river and mountain. The electricity that jolts through me from your gaze, let alone your touch. Your hands on my chest, my neck, tracing lightly over my face. My eyes are closed and my mind is wandering. I could scrub my skin until I bled and I would still reek of you. You’re intoxicating and nauseating. I’d drink myself to sleep off a case of you and still the following night, my cravings for you would remain on my tongue. Even after I’ve wretched and heaved your poison out of my stomach, I’ll still plead for more of you. To be without you is to lack, to starve. I am so hungry for your closeness, like a moth to a flame, my desire names me blind. —

-B

[etrangerfantome]

I don’t know what it is about you that is so utterly... delectable. Something about the way you move through space, drips with intimacy. The twitching muscles as you try to not smile at me, across the room. The darkness of your pupils as they dilate into mine. The quixotic nature of our relationship... untouchable, platonic, torturous. 

--B