La Vie En Rose

• Fur mom • Published writer • Avid reader

[euraysialee]

I have always been extremely shy. Not in the introverted, hides at parties sense, but in the, crippling fear of showing my true self to anyone I love, or anyone at all!

I can't explain it. I tend to mask due to excessive shyness that I know is absolutely irrational, but I simply can't help it! I want to express certain things or in certain ways, and my entire brain sabotages me. Puts a stop to it and probably makes ppl feel self-conscious about sharing afterward.

It's frustrating, and yet I couldn't get through that mental block. How do I go from thinking about what I want to do or say to actually feeling confident enough to do it say it?

One example is I've always been too shy to speak to my father in French. I'm perfectly fluent, but for some reason, I get such crippling anxiety, and I can't do it!

This happened most often in romantic relationships but also with people I loved the most.

Then I read an article, and I understand. I myself and understand the tools I need to overcome this obstacle.

The article is:

𝟭𝟮 𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗯𝗮𝘁 𝗔𝗗𝗛𝗗 𝘀𝗵𝘆𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀 by Jacqueline Sinfield

𝘩𝘵𝘵𝘱𝘴://𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘥𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦.𝘤𝘰𝘮/12-𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴-𝘵𝘰-𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘣𝘢𝘵-𝘴𝘩𝘺𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴-𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯-𝘺𝘰𝘶-𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦-𝘢𝘥𝘩𝘥/#:~:𝘵𝘦𝘹𝘵=𝘈𝘥𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘴%20𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩%20𝘈𝘋𝘏𝘋%20𝘤𝘢𝘯%20𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦,𝘺𝘰𝘶%20𝘢𝘳𝘦%20𝘩𝘺𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦%20𝘰𝘳%20𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦

Every day, I'm learning, growing, accepting, and forgiving myself for the mistakes made and trying to do better moving forward.

#adhd #adhdinwomen #learning #growing #trying #hopeful #reflecting #activelyworkingonmyvibes

[euraysialee]

Sometimes, you just have to fake it.

This morning was hard, because last night I was thinking.

I was reflecting, I was hurting, I was analyzing past actions and mistakes, where they stemmed from, what drove them, and it made me sad.

This morning, I talked about it, digested some more, and didn't want to stay in that funk. It's really easy for my brain to lead the day with the first major emotion I feel, so I'm learning to push myself to react quicker when I do.

I listened to some Frank Sinatra and then started dancing. I used to dance all the time, but, like I described in my last post, the crippling shyness associated with ADHD halts that. Especially in front of people I love the most. Yes, I'm aware it's irrational, and I'm working on it.

The glow up and the healing process aren't always positive vibes, but it's important to react and break out of the self criticizing mindset when you fall into it. I'm working harder at having a quicker reaction time to it, so I don't sit in it as long.

I hope this helps you if you relate, and I hope you find comfort in knowing others are going through it too!

❤️

#learning #growing #adhdinwomen #adhd #healing #changing #hopeful

[euraysialee]

Living 27 years trying to manage the wrong disorder is frustrating. But I am blessed that now, I'm able to do better and be better.

[euraysialee]

[euraysialee]

Getting a late ADHD diagnosis came with many mixed feelings.

As women are more likely to receive late ADHD Dx, they typically go through like treating symptoms rather than the rooted, which usually places them on the wrong type of medication and end up struggling for years.

I am still working through the many layers of emotions this has stirred. Every day I'm reflecting, reassessing, reexamining the last 27 years and everything that may have been influenced by being Dx with the wrong disorder.

This is my journey. I hope someone going through a similar journey is able to relate and find comfort.

[euraysialee]

Episode on is out now! How to deal with negativity and dream stealers! https://youtu.be/zsuqaI1CyGU https://www.instagram.com/p/CNklLj6A-8eS-nHECgILHFgEm7dzr96goOTFPg0/?igshid=jyktgu9671oh

[euraysialee]

Love to me always had meaning but never the right feeling. I always felt like I was on love but never truly felt loved. Needless to say my past relationships were not healthy or right for me. I was always searching for the right relationship that would make me believe in true love and I kept missing the mark.

I got trapped in relationships where love hurt, left scars, destroyed and ruined. I gave up. I knew I felt love once in my life but was convinced it was gone; left behind. I truly felt like I wasn't meant for the kind of love you read about or see in television. Maybe the love I was destined for was going to be work but that was what was meant for me. Love that I constantly had to work for; had to earn. I accepted that.

Then it happened, again. That comfort, ease, warmth mixed with the feeling of your heart beating out of your chest, your need for that person, you desire to care and serve not out of fear or obligation but out of want and desire and yes... love.

I found it in the same person i had found it in 15 years ago. The same person that I ran from because I was convinced love was something you are supposed to work for, not something you simply receive from another. I had traumas I needed to work through. I had distorted norms I needed to break. I had things I needed to learn and lessons I needed to be taught. The universe was grooming me into the person I needed to be for myself as a strong individual, and for the man I was meant to be with so I could support him and care for him the way he needed.

Now, I understand.

I understand what love is, what love is supposed to be and how love is supposed to feel and it's thanks to this man. This beautiful, kind, caring, generous, selfless and beautiful man.

I've never felt so blessed nor ready to receive this great gift.

Life truly does bring you what you need. Maybe not what you want, or in the order you want it, but what you need at that moment in time for you to grow and blossom the way and time the universe intended. And if you understand, accept and allow that, life will play out beautifully.

[euraysialee]

Social-Iso Log 26.2

Went to Zehr's today... had to wait in the cold and snow and wind and hail to get in. It sucked.

I came home to unload my groceries. Realizing I may as well overhaul my apartment because i'm home all day, alone. It sucks.

I miss my nieces and nephews. I want to see my aunts and cousins and uncles but I can't because Covid. It sucks.

I wanted to be able to see my Aunt after she lost her son to cancer last month but I can't. It sucks.

But you know what else?

~ I'm fortunate that I get to stay home. Safe. Uninfected. While people I know and care about still struggle with Covid side effects and lingering symptoms almost 8 weeks after they contracted it. While people I know are waiting on test results that won't come in anytime soon because they have Covid symptoms. I'm fortunate I am not subjected to that worry, anxiety, fear.

~ I'm fortunate that after working at a hospital in the ER where I was subjected to infectious diseases, that I don't have to be in the hospital working while outbreaks are continuously happening.

~ I'm fortunate that I'm not one of the staff, Nurses & Doctors that have to suffer the long hours while fighting management & the pain, depression, hurt, sadness from losing patient after patient to Covid and having to relay that message to their family members. Ya... Let THAT sink in.

~ I'm fortunate that I still have a job and I'm not laid off like many of my friends and family.

We need to start thinking as a COMMUNITY and not INDIVIDUALLY. We are all struggling and fighting during quarantine and social isolation but it's for the safety of our community in the long run.

So be patient, be kind, consider yourself fortunate if you are one of the people that still has a job and the ability to stay home and THANK THE FRONT-LINE WORKERS!

Homesense and Winners will reopen eventually and life will get back to normal if we are all responsible... so relax.

[euraysialee]

Social-iso log 27

[euraysialee]

Social-iso log 26

LOVE.YOUR.DAMN.SELF

When I was younger, my hair was my identity; who I was. Hairdressers used to fawn over my hair. I'd fawn over my hair. And yet, I was never satisfied with it. It had to be longer. It had to be blonder. It had to be thicker. So one day, God decided, "this girl needs to learn that her hair isn't everything!" So he took it away.

I didn't love myself. So I obsessed over things on the outside and neglected things on the inside. This led me to bad choices because I lacked self esteem, self love and self respect. I made wrong decisions, dated the wrong men, chose the wrong friends, and as a result, I set the bar too low for the kind of love and respect I'd accept from others.

Fast forward to 2019, and all that caught up to me. The resulting stressed caused me to lose my hair again! So I chopped it all off. Literally bruh, I legit shaved my head bald and waited for it to grow back.

I healed from the inside out thanks to the help of a grade Incredible therapist, the legalization of weed and 3 long months of "me" time. And my hair? It fully grew back with the help of some next level cream from my doctor.

Yet, even after that miracle, I still wasn't satisfied with it! It didn't grow fast enough. It's too short, I look like a boy. It's too thick, I can't control it.

WHAT . THE . &$#@. Still with the hair.

I decided, nope... this is you girl! This is who you are for better or for worse. You gotta love yourself and all your flaws and assets alike. And you can never ever love anyone more than you love yourself! And that's what I did. Learned to love myself that much. "What?!" you say? "Arrogant much?" you add. No baby, that's not the kind of self love I meant. I meant the kind of self love that enables you to make your self respect stronger than your feelings. The kind of self love that makes you realize you also need constant work and growth and gives you the drive to grow and blossom. The kind of self love where you work on conflict resolution skills, relationship building skills and yet know when to remove yourself from any situation or relationship that threatens and is toxic to your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health.

That kind of self love.

Love yourself THAT much.

[euraysialee]

Social-Iso log 25

Free run Lab.

[euraysialee]

Rescue Dog Gets His Own Foster Kittens

Rescue Dog Gets His Own Foster Kittens

I miss seeing this boy's face at work 💓

[euraysialee]

Social-iso log 23.

Friendly reminder... Social media vs Reality

Don't compare yourself to what you see online.

Don't compare yourself to others.

And finally,

Don't compare your journey to anyone else's journey.

[euraysialee]

Social-iso log 22

Don’t judge me on my sign making abilities, its the thought that counts!

During this time, it is so important to be there, stand up and help the community where you can.

Since opening, East Village Animal Hospital, London and Kitchener locations, have dedicated their efforts, staff and volunteers to help the community in any way possible. From rescue initiatives, to mobile clinics to a much needed pet food bank.

Today, thanks to the help of Knik Services and Pet Value (Farm Boy Plaza Cambridge) we were able to donate a trunk full of food and litter to the EVAH food bank.

If you or anyone you know is struggling, please pass the message along. Pets are such an important form of therapy to so many people and so many people will give up their meal to feed their pet. I know I have in the past, and this should never be the answer.

We are here to help so please reach out!

To all the essential workers and my veterinary medicine family,

THANK YOU! WE APPRECIATE YOU! YOU ARE DOING AMAZING!

We are all in this together.

[euraysialee]

Social-iso log 21

The critters and I have made peace.

A truce has been made. The stipulation is I feed them, clean after them, house them, pet them and care for them.

Fair.

[euraysialee]

Social-Iso log 20

If all you did today was survive, that’s ok.

[euraysialee]

Social-iso log 19

My supervisor isn't pleased with my work... Clearly.