and words are futile devices
"Saying i love you is hard, so I won't say it at all."
cw: major character death
attempting to make something depressing because why not right🥰 and i have no idea how competitions work okay so if i wrote smth wrong ignore it😔 especially the competition names😔🙏 anywho, see yaaa~
It was one of those nights again. Prisoned in my room, mind clouded nothing but charcoal colored memories from that night. It's been years, yet i am still chained by my own guilt and bereavement over a mistake that i till this day blame myself for it. The fully colored moon's light spilled through the curtains of my window, as if attempting to bring light into this somber atmosphere surrounding me. As if to try and make a difference into this stygian room. Though it's unseen, the feeling heavily holds my heart ransom. And no amount of forgiveness i shower myself with can bring him back.
There wasn't a single night that i didn't blame myself.
Ever since that July 8th, it makes me sick to my stomach as that date reminded me of how horrible of a person i am, and whom will i always be.
The blades below my feet crackled against the ice as i repeated my routine once again for the 50th time, ordered by my coach. Exhaling, i placed my hands on my hips, gliding mindlessly over the slippery ground below me to catch my breath and get my resolve to strengthen itself. Exhaustion and frustration were getting to me, and all i ever wanted was to return into the warm hands of, Jo. Who never gave up on me, and he saw the potential and strength that i possess, he saw transparency within me, and helped me go through every struggle that i needed to face as an athlete. Though i gave him endless apologies for not spending a lot of time with him outside of the sport, he never had any complaint about it, and let me be. Knowing of how much i loved my passion and how it gives me an odd sense of happiness, he still let me be. He knew the dedication that i put into my work, and understood it as he had one his own. And he knew the feeling of how an old hobby being disconnected from him, especially performing. As he didn't want me to feel the sense of longing of what he felt about losing a passion for singing and dancing, he wanted me to continue this remaining thing that made me feel like myself. Seeing me happy and loving what i currently do, was everything he wanted to see.
Though surrendered his first love, one thing he always say was:
"I see you in everything that i love."
he never told me why he stopped reaching his dream into being a performer on a stage, he kept changing the topic and focusing on me instead. He always reasoned the same thing, he got tired of it. But still, he repeatedly tells me to never stop doing what i love, because at the end of the day it'll be the only thing that'll love me back.
It was weird to hear from him. Jo was always so vague about what he mean whenever he says something. He was quiet most of the time, but when he opens his mouth it's like i heard Shakespeare be alive. And I never understood any of his words, until that day.
Figure skating was no joke. Not only i had to practice endless jumps despite of an ankle and back injury, but i had to frequently push myself until the very limit in exchange of a piece of metal to hang off my neck in a podium and hands were clapping for my victory. It was almost like i couldn't do anything else except stay on an ice block several hours a day, eating at the rink, even reaching a point where i had to sleep there because i have practice in the morning. And getting home already chops off the time i could sleep.
I had conflict with myself everyday, my body screaming for rest yet my relentless drive for being the best contradicts and pushed further. Which was a bad choice, since i had myself hospitalized for it.
Jo was with me during those 3 weeks of comatose. He stayed every night beside my bed, his head resting on his arm over to my cushion, while his hand held mine during his slumber. I knew he was uncomfortable sleeping bent over like that, but he stayed any way just to stay close to me, and accompany me in my rest. Even outperforming a nurse because of how domestic he was towards me. Never made me move much, always fed me and spoonfed me as if i didn't have the limbs to do so, yet he was insistent of making me rest still so i can skate again.
Through his actions he show love, it didn't need any words as he thought it was useless to say anything when his body is already telling the whole story for me. He isn't really fond of speaking affectionately too much, and talking itself, but rather more comfortable showing it instead. He's introverted anyway, so I get how he feels.
Even during those intimate times that i have with him. When everything calms down from the high, he would always pull me close to his heart and keeps me there, as if he wants me to listen to the sounds that it make.
"i love you." I muttered out of instinct as i leaned onto him further, wrapping my arm around his torso at the same time to fully embrace him.
"mhm." he only hummed back, not replying anything. Which caused me to look up at him with a pouty expression, sulking a bit of him not saying i love you back.
"why aren't you saying it back?"
"there's nothing embarrassing of expressing love, though."
"i love you enough that i showed it to you in this night. And i do, love you. And I don't need to say it, for you already know it."
The national championships were nearing, and everyone in the team were fighting for their best in training this week. The pairs, the singles, everyone. Routine, after routine, after routine. Repeated spins, jumps, combinations. And the endless sounds of skates scraping the ice filled the rink. I, too, gave it all my focus and time for this competition. After several years of surviving over chronic injuries, i can now step into a real competition, where i get to represent my country and fight with its name on me.
"Representing, Japan." Was something worth hearing after all this time and sacrifice i made. And now, I'll get to hear it in 2 weeks. Just two more weeks, and I'll finally get to show the result of all the pain i went through, showing the world the best version that i can ever be, and what i can truly do after durations of honing and conditioning.
As the tournament will hold place in Beijing, i bid all my friends and family goodbye, and holding a promise of bringing home a gold. They all wished me the best of luck, even giving me charms like all the traditional grandparents give me. But i never threw them or hid them, i kept them displayed on my luggages.
And of course, to Jo, placing a soft kiss onto his lips before i completely focus on training and the flight. I'll not be in contact with my family and others for a while as i need to really focus on the sport, since it's really dear to me. And nothing could ever hinder me from laying a palm over that golden metal. Giving him a kiss would boost my confidence and strengthen me up
"do you really need to go?" An odd question came out from him. Why does he need to ask that? He knew why i was going overseas, why is he questioning if i really had to? He questioned me like he wanted to know if this tournament really mattered to me, and if it's really something that i'd prioritize. His eyes really looked expectant for a specific answer, but why? Why did he want me to question my choice of leaving to pursue a dream i longed for, and risked my life for?
"of course i need to, this is what i worked for. I need- want this." I explain, declaring my choice for career, saying it with the utmost confidence and directness
He gave a quiet sigh as his gaze bore away from mine, looking at the concrete below before slowly nodding in acceptance and understanding. His whole reaction was odd, he knew everything that i have to do right now, yet he's questioning things that's supposed to be obvious
"why are you asking th-" i was supposed to ask what was meant to be asked, but interrupted by a distant voice calling for Jo.
"Jo, mother's calling you." A look on his face said something apologetic, as if he's saying sorry if he was disturbing something that meant to be private between us. He noticed the serious looks on our faces, and carefully called out to his friend. Mixed with his regretful presence was urgency, his breath was ragged and he looks concerned, alarmed, even. But I didn't ask anything, i didn't want to step in whatever matter they have going on.
By Taki's call, Jo looked even more devastated. He shot an eye at the friend by the other end with a sorrowful look, as if he was at fault for saying that. Everything that i was seeing didn't make any sense. Why did he look so shattered by getting called? Not even bothering to elaborate anything at all, he immediately pulled me in an embrace. For some reason, i felt him exhale shakily by my ear, tightening his arms around me as if I'll dematerialize if he let go of me.
"w-what's going on?" I reluctantly hugged him back, asking only that when i had a million more question clouding me. But he never said anything in return.
"Jo, come on.." Taki calls again, voice breaking like he's holding back tears. What is happening? Why is he getting called so urgently for? My thoughts get cut off when Jo pulled away from holding me, to speak in a broken whisper
"Anywhere with you, is everywhere i want to be."
He spoke in that same poetic way he always go with, before stepping back and leaving me standing there alone, bewildered and stunned by the series of events that just happened before my eyes, frozen, that i didn't notice a tear left my eye, kissing the ground, as i watched the two of them step away from me, taking one last look at Jo's departing figure, another tear fell from my gaze, i didn't know why I was crying. But here i am.
But before he could continue following Taki's lead, he turned over his shoulder,
Currently in the hotel room, located near the venue where the competition will be held tomorrow, i look at my phone and saw the date
And in a few minutes, it's Jo's birthday.
A smile lit my face and went in my contacts to greet him happy birthday when the clock strikes twelve.
But the smile didn't last long when i saw his contact was missing. Did he deactivate? Why can't i find his profile? What's going on?
Feeling panicked, i looked for Taki's number and dialed him. I knew he'll be awake at such times, and knew he'll pick up.
"I can't find Jo's profile, i was supposed to text him happy birthday but I can't find him."
The line went completely silent after i spoke, that i had to double check if Taki was still in the other end with me because of the abrupt stop on his side.
"didn't he tell you yet?"
"...tell me what?" I received another abrupt silence from his end, like he was thinking if he's supposed to tell me something. But what is it that he, they, are not telling me?
"so you never knew about his heart condition?"
"i thought you knew, he had it when he was a child. Didn't he mention to you the reason why he stopped doing performance arts?"
All this time, he never told me anything about his condition. Was it why he kept avoiding her question by answering in such vague reasons? Why he kept changing the topic? Was it why he felt so heavy when someone mentioned something he used to do?
Or even, why he kept reminding her to pursue figure skating?
"then, where is he? i need to talk to him right now." My breathing began to increase rapidly, and my heart thumped against my chest in pure panic. Because if he just said that Jo had complications with his heart, then why can't she contact him right now? Where is he? And what's happening to him?
"I'm afraid i can't bring you to him right now, y/n. His surgery two weeks ago....it failed,"
I couldn't handle one more word that will come out of Taki, so i quickly hung up and slammed my phone onto the ground, my hand latching onto my face as i tried to stop the tears from falling out, on the verge of hyperventilation, right on the day of my competition, just 10 hours away.
Was it why he oddly asked me if i really needed to go? Because he knew it was his time? Did he know he wouldn't last longer?
It was self destruction at this point, if i continue to ask myself those gruesome questions that make me want to tear myself apart.
And what's more agonizing, was i chose myself, my ambitions first, rather than spending my time, on his remaining ones.
After a blur of time passed me, the competition ended. And no, it didn't end....gracefully.
With a thousand pair of eyes watching me at the center of that rink as i perform, all i could remember was Jo's face, flickering through my vision from time to time.
Every jump, had a messy landing, unstable. Even the worst possible scenario happened, i fell in attempt for a triple axel. Every spin wasn't centered, a butterfly that almost ended in pure tragedy, and artistry just left my body, just as he left my life. I performed with no reason left, and showed the world dishonor, shame and humiliation.
My teammates tried their best to show sportsmanship, and empathy as i was the only one who played the messiest. But i knew the sharp judgement into their eyes, knowing i put dirt into our team name by not focusing enough.
When they didn't know i lost someone precious to me, crossing at the same time i was pressured to perform outstandingly in front of the world, with the country's name on my shoulders. They didn't know the pain i was under, never knew.
Figure skating is a cursed sport that i swore that i shall never do again. It only had brought me shame and agony.
All of my blood and sweat that i shedded for this sport came to waste, and a promise that I'll bring a gold to my family shattered humiliatingly.
But no other pain could compare on the death of my beloved.
And no other shame could equal the same one i felt when i realized that i was the last person that he wanted to see when he was nearing his time.
Visiting the grave was the hardest thing I'd ever done. My steps on the way onto the stone that carved his name were heavy, as if they were chained by rocks. Rocks that were filled by regret.
But, there was something that's placed near his name, a box tied with a blue ribbon, and my initials were written over it.
Opening the box showed me a small paper neatly folded with his signature at the front,
unfolding it, revealed a letter that spoke:
"i was never good at expressing myself in the form of words. and i have always shown you how much i loved you through the way i act, as it's something closest that could comprehend my affection towards you. But now I can't be beside you, to company you, i want you to keep this letter as my remains. Though i may not physically be with you anymore, to show you myself, i want to be with you even in the weakest form of love i can give, which is through words and letters. Words are futile devices, and i value you too deeply that I just can't waste mere words to describe what i feel. And as i take my final breath, it will be you who i am thinking about.
from the bottom of my heart, Asakura Jo."
And now, 6 years had flew by, yet i still see you in everything i love.
Even through a sport that i once did.
