Every Bad Thing

My stories pave the walls of the well Down down down to my mental health hell. Me, the antagonist in my own life Isn’t that what self sabotage means?

[everybadthing]

Wow you sound really depressed everybadthing

Yup its the depression

[everybadthing]

But like today was a day where I thought I sounded fine. This was asked by a coworker followed by whats getting you down? And like my biology? Small things like nothing makes me feel good and Im changing therapists again and want a different job but feel like I wouldn't pass the interviews and am exhausted so I don't want to make plans but I keep feeling lonely and sad and mainly that my brain spirals and pulls me down and I can't get out of the quicksand some days idk man. So I told him theres just a lot of changes recently and cited my roommate who'll be moving out soon as one of them and I'm sure I sound like the poster child for making excuses for mental illnesses making people seem lazy when really I didn't want to say I had burnout so bad I tried to kms last year and some days I'm still not sure I'm completely better yet or ever really will be.

[everybadthing]

Yeah I guess I'm really sad but godamnit I was trying to pretend I wasn't

[everybadthing]

Wow you sound really depressed everybadthing

Yup its the depression

[everybadthing]

But like today was a day where I thought I sounded fine. This was asked by a coworker followed by whats getting you down? And like my biology? Small things like nothing makes me feel good and Im changing therapists again and want a different job but feel like I wouldn't pass the interviews and am exhausted so I don't want to make plans but I keep feeling lonely and sad and mainly that my brain spirals and pulls me down and I can't get out of the quicksand some days idk man. So I told him theres just a lot of changes recently and cited my roommate who'll be moving out soon as one of them and I'm sure I sound like the poster child for making excuses for mental illnesses making people seem lazy when really I didn't want to say I had burnout so bad I tried to kms last year and some days I'm still not sure I'm completely better yet or ever really will be.

[everybadthing]

Wow you sound really depressed everybadthing

Yup its the depression

[everybadthing]

It feels crazy sometimes to go pay for a massage when all I really want is a tight hug that lasts forever

[everybadthing]

Imagine you had a super power tied to this little mini telescope in your pocket

Where if you take it out and look at someone, really look at someone

Especially if you charge it up from spending time with them first

Then you fall into their emotional life.

Like you still have your body and the ability to live your life

But when you fall into their emotional life you can feel everything as if it were you going through their experiences.

If they're sad you're sad and you'll grieve with them

If they're mad you're mad and looking for ways to make things right

If they're drowning you're at their side fighting the tempest and building a boat

But when they see you along side them

most people, normal people will push you away because they're used to weathering their storms, fighting their battles (or not), alone.

The downsides of your superpower is that if you're alone you'll feel like an empty awful waste of space of a person. And that you can never turn it off.

[everybadthing]

I feel like the second half of the phrase anxiety won’t kill you it’s it’ll just make you wish for the sweet release of death

[everybadthing]

It’s like there are two me’s

The fun one that is great at a party

And the other one that

drags me and anyone too close down

I keep trying to kill the part of me

That sucks the life out of me

But unlike in fight club

That kills all of me

Collateral damage I would think worth it

Going against what anyone who

Cares about me is willing to lose

[everybadthing]

I hate it here

I hate every I’m sad again

Struggling again

Feeling moment text

Bad enough for it to happen

Amplified with guilt and shame

From trying to reach out

Dragging other people with me

Onto this roller coaster

Occasional peaks mostly

Valleys praying for things to

Pull up before we crash out

Into despair again

[everybadthing]

I just want to be skinny you said

So do I said my demons

Rattling in their cages locked away

Though never quite gone

I can always hear them

It can be dangerous I said

Both to you and myself but I

And my demons know

I love a good race to the bottom

[everybadthing]

apparently napping when overwhelmed is “freeze mode” and “feeding into dissociation” lets remember I’m just a boy and my relationship with this existence is already tenuous at best please just lemme have this

[invivtebrate]

how come i can only write if im drunk or on stimulants surely thats not indicative of a mental failing

[everybadthing]

Oh you know it’s just me vague posting about being sad while constantly resisting doing things that would make it better. I’m practically team sadness atp idek

[everybadthing]

I never know how I’m feeling because at any given moment things can feel so much better or worse. I can tell you I’m exhausted of feeling like this though

[everybadthing]

Crying looking at pictures where I was smiling because

I was so unhappy in so many of them

Even where the smiles look genuine I was usually with someone else and I’m so sad and lonely now

Even when I feel better sometimes I’m gonna feel bad like this again

I just wish I could manage these emotions better

Existing in my head feels like what did I do to deserve this hell

If I took the meds I should to knock me out when I feel this shitty maybe I’d actually be out by 9pm

I don’t know how to knock on someone’s life when it seems to be going well and say idk if I’ve been having some bad days or if things are getting bad again

[everybadthing]

On todays episode of “it felt like a Friday but wasn’t: please kill me” it felt like a Friday but wasn’t- please kill me

[everybadthing]

They keep coming up with a billion dumb uses for ai when all I need is a device that’ll take my phone and pelt it into the fucking Sun at like 7pm

[everybadthing]

How long is long enough to put up with suicidal depression before calling it and other thoughts that should indicate to me it’s past my fucking bedtime