It Is What It Is

Somewhere for me to rant without annoying folks

[everythings-as-it-seems]

Do you think of me too?

[cheshmenoor]

[remanence-of-love]

[thepersonalquotes]

[melisica]

[aureat]

[achillesinhighheels]

[achillesinhighheels]

[everythings-as-it-seems]

It’s crazy how time can fly by, all these years and you’re still the one I wake up thinking about.

How can I still love you after all this time? Are we meant to be?

I know things got so messy throughout the years, and we’ve grown and changed and owned up to our mistakes.

I can still it in your eyes when you look at me. Like I’m the light of your life. I can still feel it whenever I call and you pick up, when I need safety you open your door, when I need a listener you’re all ears.

Maybe this twisted path was meant to happen, to bring us back at the right time.

I remember being young when we met, barely lived. Now we’ve lived and we’re no longer restless. Seen what’s out there and confirmed what’s been there the whole time. How I was made for you and you were made for me.

I often wonder where our lives would’ve taken us if we had that baby. You seem to question it too, we were young and scared then. But now we’re older and not so scared.

[everythings-as-it-seems]

I feel like no one talks about how lonely it is to make a decision about creating life or preventing it. So badly in my soul would I like to keep this little bean, but the other part of me knows it’s not the time. And I can’t help but feel overwhelming guilt and sadness.

[everythings-as-it-seems]

I have no right to be mad but at the same time I do. Trying to validate the fact that I’m upset. I am worth it. I’m so ducking sick of men seeing nothing more to me other than sex. I am worth much more than just my body. I am smart, I am caring, I love with all my heart.

I’ve spent such a long time single, working on myself. Been in therapy for almost 3 years, been continuously working out, treating myself kinder, trying to avoid addictions and shitty people. I try to attract the good. Somehow I’m still a magnet for shitty men. These men play it so well too, pretending to care, late night talks, swaying me with things they say, all the while just using me for my body once I give in. Then they turn around and end up in a relationship with with someone else. I don’t understand.

It took me a long time, a lot of self love to remind myself it’s not my fault. I am worth it. My worth isn’t defined by these men. But sometimes I just cry because it’s frustrating. All I want is to be loved honestly. That’s all I’ve wanted. And when I cry I feel like the same 15 year old girl, or the 21 year old begging the man who broke me to stay. And this just makes me more frustrated because they deserved better. I know that one day I will be so glad I waited for the right person. But lately it’s been bothering me too much

[everythings-as-it-seems]

Everyone’s trynna get ahead right?

But I’m only trying get my head right

So crazy to be feeling the way I am but I gotta accept that it’s fine to feel it. I shouldn’t care bout my ex especially not now after all this. Especially after all this time. But man does it still pull on the heart strings, it’s someone I don’t think I’ll ever forget. The way this man loved me and broke me was a new level. And shit he was probably a karmic but it didn’t feel like one, but all the others did. Not the way he loved and broke me. Something I’m reminded of every day

I think I just burrowed it so deep in my other problems to not think about it. Cause I’ve got so much more to worry about but it doesn’t fix that lonely feeling.

[everythings-as-it-seems]

Something that took me this long to realize is my worth and what I deserve. I’d always hear it from the boys that would break my heart. “You deserve better”. I think the one that struck home was “you deserve only the best”. I know i deserve someone who will love me as much as I love them, who won’t second guess me, they choose me.

It’s always a battle of heart when you meet 2 men worthy, but also to know that none of us are healed enough. I’m tired of being seen as only a body to any man I meet. I’m so much more than that. The striking thing is that these 2 men are the only men to not only stimulate me physically but mentally. It’s the perfect balance. Although im more in love with the first one. I’d give either one of them a chance if they wanted to do the same. I wish he would.

All around me I see those lowkey happy couples. My best friend ends an engagement and found someone better in no time. When’s it my time? I laugh at the single jokes by all my friends, but inside it makes me wanna die. To be in your 20’s is confusing enough. I don’t need subliminal messages.

[everythings-as-it-seems]

I feel like there’s not enough time in a day. Time passes so quickly. I remember being 14 wishing it would go faster, now I’m nearly 24 and wish it would slow down. I’ve lived 3 different life times already. This one seems to be the busiest. I feel like I’m missing out on the things I think about all the time. I work so much I have no time to build relationships, I have 2 hours past a proper bedtime that’s just me time and it’s getting sad now. I’m just tired and want to take a break. I want to travel, fall in love, explore, create memories with my friends. Instead I’m working over 60 hours, studying part time in a degree that seems like I’ll never achieve, living pay to pay worrying about paying debt.

I’ve worked so hard these last couple years. The person I am today is the version I wish I was back then. I’ve worked so hard healing, I’m not fully there but I’ve come such a long way. No one else could even take credit, I did it alone. Pulled myself out of things I didn’t even walk into. Never again will people walk on me, drag me, deceive me, use me. But I also feel so much further away from the things I crave the most. I’m always single but all I crave is love. But love has never been good for me. It’s always destroyed me. But I’ve worked so hard to fix my issues, to finally understand what I want and what I don’t. I’ve worked on cancelling out my toxic traits. But I also don’t have the energy to waste on people who can’t return it.

Took me this long to realize the only ones that matter are the ones that matter. Those who check in one th daily, those who always invite, those who are just nurture because you also nurture. I’ve always put everyone before me, made myself smaller. But that version of me is such an angry person on the inside. I’ve heard someone tell me I’m good at masking my BPD. But no one realizes how much control it takes to realize lashing out doesn’t solve it, doesn’t make me feel any better, doesn’t improve relationships. But behind the scenes is different. I’m just tired of wasting energy on people who don’t return it. So I stopped. Just cause I don’t try doesn’t mean I won’t care just prove you care. Maybe one day I’ll have all the things I dream of. A love I deserve, friends that are good, healthy family, not so much stress and worries. My health is declining again and I’m a little worried because the last time wasn’t good.

Just keep swimming.

[everythings-as-it-seems]

I think it’s wild how fast time flies by, just a moment ago I was 19 now I’m turning 24. Just a while ago we broke up, but really it’s been 2 years. What have I done within the last 2 years? I have no idea. I remember bits and pieces but for sure just feels hazy. Almost like a ghost walking through timelines. You had moved on quickly to forget me, I sat with it. I (tried) healing, think I’ve come pretty far but it seems no matter who the man was. I couldn’t replace you. 2 years later and not a day had passed where you weren’t on my mind. What am I to do? I’ve got bigger things to worry about. I guess our 20′s are supposed to be a whirlwind of figuring out who you are and what you’re supposed to do. Almost halfway through and I feel myself growing month after month, like every month I go through something, it changes my mindset. I used to wish for happiness but I now realize what I really need is peace, peace is eternal whereas happiness is momentarily. It took me so long to figure out what career I should be doing, I did it. I figured out my finances, I did it all without you so maybe we were meant to part, to work on all our issues we couldn’t do back then. I think it’s funny that after all this time we’re still active in eachothers lives, I just hate that its complicated. But I think I hate that everyone knows more. To still love someone is complicated, whether its admitted or not. But I will admit that I still love you and don’t think I am capable of forgetting how to. 

[everythings-as-it-seems]

Sometime get spooked when I realize I went from a 2x to a L but yet everytime I look in the mirror all I see is the 2x girl

[amber-suggestion]

are you feeling this too?