im so fucking tired

@evilsnievil

he/they 18 tw ed/vent acc

73 posts

This is a side blog.

Long short short I miss my boyfriend.

I haven’t been able to see him for over a month now. He’s my best friend in the whole world and I’ve only known him for a little over a year but we’ve gotten so close because we’ve both been through so much in the past year and we’ve been there for each other like neither of us has ever had before.

His parents a abusive as hell and at the end of November a whole bunch of stuff happened with him and them I won’t get into it but I can’t see him because his parents hate me for no other reason than because they hate him and are narcissistic control freaks. They even targeted me towards the start of all this literally coming up to my house not only telling my parents that I need to stay away from him but for no fucking reason they made up this whole lie that they saw on his phone that he was cheating on me with multiple people and my stupid ass believed it at first and almost off-ed myself because who would fucking lie about that but once I got my senses back I was like none of that fucking made sense and after a couple miserable days of losing my mind not knowing who to believe I ultimately chose my best friend because I have far more reason to trust him than his insane parents and their “proof” was literally just their word which is worth less than dog piss.

Since the whole thing we’ve been able to talk on the phone on and off (the off parts being because they did a bunch of shit to his phone and eventually took it from him). I think I developed some kind of abandonment issue from this because we would be talking just fine for a couple days and then randomly all I would get was silence and it would literally drive me mad worrying if he was safe or what. Recently we’ve been able to talk more steadily tho because while he was at his moms house (who is a literal hellsent demon but is on my bfs side and is being super chill rn) he got a second phone that he’s keeping secret from his dad and stepmom here and so far that’s going okay knock on wood.

I’m really thankful about this but still not being able to see him is killing me. He’s all I have and literally before all this happened I was talking to him about how I’ve grown so emotionally reliant on him after all the things that happened over the year and i was at a place where wanted to try and work on my myself so that I could become more of a whole person yk. And then not even a couple weeks later I have him ripped away and get put through the most violent emotional wringer of my life like what the fuck man this is not what I fucking meant not like this. I am in actual physically pain from missing him. My chest hurts everyday and I always wanna cry it’s literally pathetic. I’ve never been this long without him and I don’t know what to do with myself. I just want my sweet boy back so that I can hold him again and give him the comfort and love we both so desperately need after this god awful situation.

Life update: lost virginity to best friend (10/10), was homeless for five days, and got first full time job yippee !!

slut era (would do anything for the person that makes me feel safe, protected, and adored)

who up wanting to abandon their physical form

putting fr after showing affection because It gives me a shred of dignity

#I have problems with showing vulnerability

So I uh shaved my downstairs for the first time and my life and I hate it so much the process was so stressful and it felt so wrong and now that it’s shaven I’m experiencing sensory hell I can feel everything I’m wearing loose ass boxers and manspreading like no tmr rn because i do not want to feel anything touching my shit I hate it so much I’m never doing this shit again and I know I’m gonna have hella razor bumps and irritation soon because I didn’t know wtf I was doing and just going at it so yeah looking forward to that I stg this boy better be whining, begging, whimpering, gasping and moaning in my ear for all this trauma to be worth it I feel so icky and overstimulated rn

So I talked with my best friend about my need for reassurance if the sex thing is gonna work out and as expected he was a whole godsend he listened and understood and just yeah I feel much better. I literally had a whole nightmare from how anxious I was last night I couldn’t eat my stomach hurt my chest hurt it was so bad but now I am chilling once again thanks to this beautiful boy

So after a terrible breakup from a 10 month relationship with my first ever love that occurred 3 months ago which led to my alcoholic era which ended in me almost deleting myself from alcohol poisoning and almost getting sent to the psych ward like month ago i am finally moving on (i am still deeply traumatized from the breakup and almost dying as well) and in a unforeseen turn of events I think my best friend and I are going to fuck sometime in the next few days.

I met this son of a bitch at the beginning of the school year and we have been through the depths of hell together like we’ve become so close emotionally I’ve never been so vulnerable and comfortable with someone irl and he reciprocates like I’ve been there for him through some tough shit and we just get each other we’re like this 🤞

So when this bitch asked me to call him a slut i swear to god almighty it awakened something within me like y’all don’t get it i was just minding my goddamn business and now for the past like 3 days like i don’t even know I am seeing a new side of this dude this boy wrapped himself around my finger talkin about some “I’ll be your slut” and “I’ll do anything for you” ETC. and good god shit is going straight to my head i feel so powerful it’s so fucking hot.

Anyway i was thinking like ykw fuck it what better way to lose my virginity than to this lovely beautiful good boy who knows about my daddy issues and is the closest relationship I’ve ever had in my life like I’m either very wrong or very right and he’s making it very hard to find the downsides yall dont wanna know how horny ive been everyday every hour since thursday.

With that being said tho I’m very anxious rn idk if it’s because I need to go to sleep (it’s probably because I need to go to sleep) but I’m overthinking this sm and I blame my ex for bringing my hopes up that maybe I’m not unlovable and unattractive and then crushing that shred of confidence and self esteem like a bug which was really fucked up so now I’m just like what if this is a joke what if I’m humiliating myself and being laughed at rn like why would anyone love me let alone want to have sex with me and that’s like really weighing on my soul and Im feeling a huge sense of dread rn and I don’t know what to do.

In my brain I think I’m like subconsciously putting a disconnect between my best friend and the person who wants to have sex with me so like I think the right thing to do is have like one of those semi serious conversations with him and just be open about how fucking insecure I am and I know his angelic self is gonna give me that reassurance that I very badly need to hear and yeah imma probably do that before we maybe have sex and there’s nothing to be scared of I know my best friend is a good and understanding person I just need to hear it from him that things are chill or smth idk

Not texting ur emotional support friend when ur doing so very bad because u don’t want to be a burden or ruin their night but u know they would gladly be there for u but u still feel guilty so ur just kinda sitting there in ur gloom<<<

A couple weeks ago I had a bit of an episode and drank far too much vodka and went into psychosis and started sh-ing and told all my friends I was gonna off myself and eventually my family found me like that and I was just screaming at the top of my lungs and crying for like 2hrs and most of it was about the rapture and asking god to un-forsaken me because I genuinely felt like I was gonna die and religious trauma✨ and sometime after I was out my best friend who lives nearby called the police and biked to my house in the middle of the night and I feel rlly bad about that😐 and my mom had to convince them not to take me to a psych ward apparently and I’m just glad I was asleep for all of that because I hate cops I have trauma

Anyway waking up the next morning was embarrassing asf I had to text the group chat like hey guys just kidding I was heavily intoxicated dw about it ahaha and apparently i finished off the big vodka bottle even tho I clearly remember leaving a good amount in there but that’s beyond me and my parents were mad at me and I was having a killer hangover and it was just not a good time

My best friend and I were texting a lot though like to be there for each other and he was kinda not doing good either. I think what I did kinda messed him up. He would text me in the middle of the night because he had a nightmare or got anxious/scared. I feel bad about causing that.. it was nice to feel needed though. We were both at a vulnerable point and just something about being there for each other through that felt so different and comforting because I’ve never had someone like that before.

I feel guilty that he has to deal with all my bullshit though

I just wanted to write something because I’m having a really bad day today and it’s not because of that stupid girl there’s just something fundamentally wrong with me I think and she brought it all out after I’ve been comfortably burying it all these years and I hate her so much I am not in a place to be fucking feelings things I have things to do and I’m about to graduate and I need to be an adult and she‘s fucking with my brain and I feel so shitty and tired all of the time but I don’t even know what’s real because sometimes I’m happy like nothing ever happened and times like now I feel so terrible for no reason and every second I’m fantasizing about self sabotaging but never doing it because I don’t want to cause trouble so I just sit here looking fucking stupid and ugly and useless I just want this stupid fucking weight off I want to be a good and normal and productive person I’m fucking sick of this I want everything to be normal and okay I’m so tired I’m so so tired

You stupid fucking bitch you’re ruining my life I’m fucking breaking the fuck out I’m getting anxious in public again I’m gaining weight contemplating sh all the fucking time and becoming a fucking alcoholic i fucking hate you you bitch fucking liar

Guy whose prophetic dreams have repeatedly proven true but he has imposter syndrome so he thinks it's just a coincidence

I was having a low for the past two days and I was a teeny tiny bit open about it with my friends and just the amount of reassurance and check-ins I got from them was just… very nice.. I almost freaked out when a couple of them reached out in the dms like wait no I’m not used to being cared about I take it back #shownovulnerability💪💪

Anyway I think my brain started doing a thing where whenever I really enjoy myself with my friends I get an insane amount of guilt afterwards for no reason. Like the past two days all I’ve been hearing in my head was just “ur annoying, ur too much, ur too loud, they secretly can’t stand you, ur a bad influence, don’t bother them with ur mentally ill bs, etc etc” which fucking sucks because I love my friends and hanging out with them and I know they love me too (maybe ? Idk¿)

As soon as I see them in person again it’s usually fine but then once I’m on my own again the thoughts come back and I hate it

Nah because 🥺🥺🥺😭

#I like being comforting

Life is difficult, isn’t it, Charlie Brown? Yes, it is. But I’ve developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time.

A Boy Named Charlie Brown (1969) // dir. Bill Melendez

fuck this ed im eaten

im so fucking tired @evilsnievil - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag