Hearing the word sorry out of Ewan’s mouth was the first time that Kaiya felt a real punch of guilt to the gut. She was the one that should have been sorry, not Ewan. All the time that she had spent talking to him, making promises she knew she’d never keep, building a relationship that was entirely made of lies on her end, it had been wrong. Realistically, she knew that, but she couldn’t bring herself to really regret it. Kaiya of course felt bad that Ewan had gotten hurt in the process, but this had been one of the times she put herself first in something and she wasn’t going to let herself feel bad for that. After dedicating twelve years of her life to serving and protecting other people, Kai didn’t fault herself for letting herself have this one.
“I hope you never have to imagine,” Kai replied earnestly. Keeping people from having to deal with the atrocities she’d seen was exactly why she had done what she’d done for so long. Being there on the grounds of some of the most horrific scenes she could imagine and being able to pull people out of the depths of hell had given her a purpose beyond anything she could ever have accomplished otherwise. But, it had also left her entirely wrecked, a shadow of a person at times. Kai had lost so much of herself to her years overseas and while she was fighting and struggling every day to find that person again, she wasn’t sure that person even existed anymore.
The fact that he wasn’t laying all kinds of apologies on her was a small comfort. Most people looked at her with pity after what had happened and there was nothing Kai hated more than feeling pitied for what she had been through. “I don’t expect you to forgive me or trust me or any of that after all of that, but…I at least wanted you to know it wasn’t because of you. This was all me. You’re a fucking good guy, Ewan, and you didn’t deserve all of the shit I put you through. And I sure as hell don’t deserve to sit here and unload any of my problems on you. Just…know that I really appreciate you being there for me all that time. Maybe it’s stupid, but…some days you really were the only thing that kept me from totally losing my mind out there. I may not have been entirely honest about who I was, but I never lied about what you meant to me.” It didn’t excuse anything or give her any sort of leg to stand on, but she wanted to make sure he knew that not all of it was fake.
“But ah, from here, fuck man. I guess that’s up to you. If you want to walk away, never see me again, I fuckin’ get it. I’ll leave you alone, let you have your space,” she shrugged. She didn’t want that, having Ewan in her life had only ever been a good thing for her, but this was about Ewan now. “If…that’s not what you want, though, you tell me what you want from me. If there’s anything I can do to make it all up to you, I’m in. Ball’s in your court, though, Ewan. It’s not my place to have a say in where things go from here.” He had been the one that had been hurt and Kai wasn’t about to presume to know what he needed to let those wounds heal.
His heart ached, the air between them haunted by the ghosts of their pasts, both shared and otherwise. He felt so much smaller, all of the fight draining out of him at once. Whatever he’d thought he’d be getting out of this meeting, he’d been wrong. He didn’t feel vindicated or validated or wronged or relieved. He felt hollow. He felt sad. The space between them seemed to open up like a chasm and he couldn’t decide whether he wanted to reach for her or stare into the nothingness between them.
Rebecca had been too perfect to be real. He’d known it from the beginning, in a way. His idealistic, romantic heart had just wanted it to be true so badly that he’d allowed himself to believe it. He was always in a rush to hit the big life milestones, always hurrying off to the next thing, clinging to life as hard as he could because he knew his days were not promised. There was a single moment of clarity as he sat there in silence, listening to Kaiya speak, that he thought he might have understood. He’d been angry. He’d blamed her for lying, for tricking him, for making him believe. But until right now, he hadn’t thought himself deserving of any of the blame. But he’d made it easy, he’d practically begged her to do it.
And somewhere along the way, an actual connection had been born out of it.
That was, perhaps, the only redeeming thing about the entire situation. So much of it had been fake, lies, but the parts of it that were real? They meant the most. They’d kept him going for years. His vision grew blurry the more she spoke, the chasm growing deeper, hollowing him out. He brushed the back of his hand against his cheek to catch a single rogue tear. It hurt as much as it didn’t to know that he’d meant something to her. It would have been easier to walk away if he hadn’t. It would have been so much easier to listen to his heart telling him that he couldn’t do this. At least not right now.
“That’s what we do, though, isn’t it? Or. What we did. For a long time, you were the only person I could talk to. Honestly, Re-- Kaiya, you were there for me in some of my darkest times too. In ways no one else could have been. And I don’t-- I don’t really know what I feel. But I do know that. I feel like--” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat. He’d been staring at his shoes, but he looked up at her now. “You’re kind of always going to be important to me. But it’s hard to reconcile what I thought we were with what we... actually are. And. I want to be your friend. I just... don’t think I can right now. Not yet.
“You know, I knew for a long time that Rebecca wasn’t real. I hoped she was, but I knew better. I know I act stupid and goofy, but I’m not as dumb as most people think I am. I knew. But it’s still-- it hurts. And it’s going to take a little bit of time before it doesn’t.” He dropped his gaze back down, busying himself with a stray thread on his sweater. “Is that okay?”
