i had to go home two weeks ago because i got really sick and i couldn't stand up without the world rushing around my head like i was 19 and drunk and the night nurse actually said you look bad which made me laugh and then i had to put my hand in front of my mouth because i was worried i smelled bad. after the hospital i was on my mother's couch because everyone knew that if i stood up without supervision i would fall down and hit my head and die alone in my apartment like an ant.
i have been alone too long and i am worried i like it too much. i like napping with my legs thrown trainwreck open and my dog on my lap and us both snoring and i like taking 3 hours to get ready just because the routine is soft and familiar and i like seeing how long i can go without talking so the hours smooth over each other in little petals of silence like hands
and i was 19 again on my mom's couch but this time i was physically sick instead of mentally unwell and also both cats are dead now and the dog is getting older without his canine teeth. they are painting over my sister's room to turn into another guest room since mine already got turned into a treadmill storage unit and now the yellow paint is covered by a picture of the ocean over one entire wall. it doesn't smell like me anymore but i think all the prayers i used to murmur are probably still dangling in the spiderwebs, alight with god in the corners.
my mom felt my forehead and said the fever was going down but i stayed too sick to see straight for days after, listening to my father balance his work laptop on an ironing board while he watched suits and both of us nibbled saltines. i had to tell my therapist about the way i buzzed through the whole experience, a ringing wine bottle.
holy god if you're listening and this prayer isn't going to get gobbled up by the 14 apartments on top of me and isn't going to be sifted out through the leaves and crowds and other more-important dreams. anyway if you're listening i don't need it to be easy but it could be easier, but - i don't mind working, i don't mind the agony, i know what i have is beautiful and rare and glistening. but lord almighty in your infinite mercy. while i get older and make a home just. don't let me be in that same house. don't let me go back there. just fucking kill me.
andulkaphoto
kianamaiart
germansingergirl
