Former foster child

I am a former foster youth who aged out of the system. I am gender critical and I frequently talk about how pro-choicers tokenize foster kids in the abortion debate (don't do that). My goal is to get more conversations about foster care outside the abortion debate and encourage girls from foster care to be included in feminist conversations.

[exclusively-mentioned]

This post is 2 years old and it's still accurate. You still don't see woke people arguing for foster kids and former foster youth. You only see them using us as pawns in the abortion debate. Why is that?

[ex-foster]

I've seen feminists advocate for sex trafficking victims. Radfems in particular are excellent at bringing awareness to the harms of the sex industry. I realize that feminism has division however and that liberal feminists argue in favour of the sex industry (such as porn, Only Fans, prostitution which they call "sex work"). It's two completely different ideologues that are at odds with each other. Liberal feminists criticize radfems for being what they call "whorephobic" (I wish I were joking) or SWERF (sex worker exclusionary radical feminist). Liberal feminists lack concern about sex trafficking victims and many sex trafficking victims have history in foster care (foster care is often considered the "pipeline" to sex trafficking).

However, liberal feminists are not ignorant of the foster care to sex trafficking pipeline. In fact that's one of the main reasons they bring up foster kids in the abortion debate. They argue that abortion is the merciful option. This argument suggests that death is the better alternative to becoming a sex trafficking victim and treats sexual abuse as an inevitable outcome for girls in foster care. So...following that logic, why aren't girls in foster care advocated for within the "inclusive feminist" framework?

I see feminists called out for racism, homophobia, or transphobia but diddly squat discourse for how feminists exclude girls from foster care. How curious.

Do former foster kids belong in feminism? It's hard to believe we do when the only time you mention us is to argue we are better off dead. Or arguing that we are "unloved" and "unwanted". It's interesting how much that contrasts with how Libs treat the topic of "trans kids". It's almost like "trans kids" are a sacred cow. Their slogans are "protect trans kids" - how funny how that contrasts with foster kids ("better off dead" or "unloved and unwanted").

I don't believe in the concept of a "trans kid" but it's interesting to hear that Libs think it's "abuse" for parents to not trans their child. If that is considered "abuse" then why don't libs argue that trans kids are "unloved and unwanted" and "better off aborted"? Seems like there's double standards. Isn't it odd how they cherry pick which sort of abused child to advocate for?

But no, I completely disagree with their backwards ideology. I think transing a child is in fact abuse and so is advocating for sex work. It's just interesting to me how they put so much energy behind pretending to advocate for certain groups like "trans kids" and demand "inclusion" but are completely malicious towards other groups. They are downright nasty to former foster kids. Every single time I confront libs/pro-choicers on the topic of foster care, they unleash so much abuse at me. Foster kids are not a sacred cow to libs that's for sure.

[ex-foster]

There's a reason why experience in foster care is not a protected characteristic but sexual orientation is.

[ex-foster]

I really got to stay off Reddit because those people piss me off.

I came across a post from a sub for my local university and some pro-choicer was whining that pro-lifers are on their campus protesting. Their post encouraged others in the sub to "give them hell". And y'all know me and how I feel about pro-choicers so of course I can't keep my mouth shut so I say "boo hoo" and of course I'm getting down voted and dog piled again.

And hilariously enough they called ME soft for being a pro-lifer. Liberals always doing a reversal. It takes guts to take the unpopular opinion, especially when you know you are going to get insulted, dog piled, censored, threatened. What abuse HAVEN'T these people thrown at me? They've told me I should have been aborted and they hope I get sexually assaulted and conceive. They've told me my son should be taken away from me. They've mocked me for being a former foster kid. They've told me I'm unloved and unwanted. They've banned me from their subs.

Unlike other groups like LGBT, feminists, and racial minorities, experience in foster care is not a protected characteristic. When I go up against a mob of pro-choicers, I'm on my own. There's no lobbyists that are in my corner. There's no mods that ban the bullies from attacking me. There's no reporters who publicly shame their behaviour. There's no such thing as cancel culture for attacking former foster kids. Pro-choicers will tell former foster kids they are better off dead and their entire group will dog pile and agree. Yeah right I'm "soft" for disagreeing.

[ex-foster]

Lesbian couple takes in 13 year old boy. Calls him their "son". Calls him "homophobic" (no context given). Comments call out OP for not taking responsibility for how the boy was raised and OP reveals they've only had him for 7 months.

As a former foster kid, these types of people piss me off. They've had him for SEVEN months and they're already complaining they don't feel loved (by a teenager they only met a blink ago). Because teenagers are known for being so affectionate - right? 🙄

They didn't even make it a year before calling it quits "I'm just finished raising someone else's kid and doing the state a favor". No consideration for how he feels. "Sorry you lost your whole family kid, but forget about it! Now your job is to LARP as my son and give me the warm fuzzies or you get rehomed!".

I would just love if they gave actual context over whatever "homophobic" remarks he made too considering I've seen what offends the LGBTQ community. Something as small as saying that single men shouldn't be allowed to adopt will trigger them.

Nobody has the guts to confront these people on Reddit either because they are so left-leaning.

[ex-foster]

You've heard of Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) now how about Conservative Derangement Syndrome?

I saw this Liberal on Reddit who claims to be Liberal in every way except for that fact that she is pro-life. She made it clear that she is in no way aligned with ANY other Conservative beliefs and made such an effort to distance herself from Conservatives that she made it seem like an insult. I told her there's no shame in being Conservative and she replied back doubling down and said Conservatives are racist, sexist and oppressive and she would never align herself with a Conservative politician.

And from where I'm standing I can see that Liberals are plenty racist, sexist and oppressive. As far as mass immigration and deportation goes, Liberals will openly say racist things like "who is going to scrub your toilets?" It's an open secret that Liberals love illegal immigration because they like having low wage servants.

As for gender, in Canada a man was charged $750,000 for questioning gender ideology. This is a country that puts male prisoners in women's prisons if the prisoner identifies as trans. No sympathy for the women prisoners who have been sexually assaulted due to these self ID policies. And its not just women's prisons that trans identified men demand access to, it's also rape crisis centers and women's shelters. This puts the most vulnerable women at risk and Liberals aggressively insist this must become standard. People have lost their jobs for speaking out against trans ideology. Women are branded "TERFs" for speaking out. Liberals hate trans widows (women who were married to men who later came out as trans) and they hate battered women and rape survivors who don't want to be housed with men. Everyone who opposes Liberal ideology is a bigot according to them. Calling someone "racist" and "sexist" (and "homophobic" or "transphobic") is the way for them to shut down discussions and shame anyone who doesn't live by their cult doctrine.

Anyways I'm so tired of seeing Liberals who are obviously curious about Conservative beliefs but are so obviously brainwashed into thinking that's bad. These people will create block lists of people with dissenting views. They will ban books of opposing ideologues. They will cut off their friends and family for different opinions. They are so toxic and cult like.

[ex-foster]

DangerOReilly is at it again. She stalks the adoption subreddit and calls people 'queerphobes' whenever they say something she doesn't like.

The last time I interacted with her she called me an acephobe because I was against the idea of single men adopting. I don't care if a man 'identifies' as asexual. People can 'identify' as a police officer that doesn't mean they are an officer. Children deserve to be safe guarded within adoption. Adoption can leave kids vulnerable to adults with bad intentions. It's better to be cautious rather than not. And men are disproportionately more likely to be sex offenders than women. Single men adopting poses a risk to children that I would rather not see happening and I don't care if that hurts anyone's feelings. Children also benefit from seeing healthy relationships modeled. It's wild that this enrages some members of the LGBTQ community who think this is "acephobic".

DangerOReilly can't seem to comprehend the perspective of adoptees who find it creepy when prospective adoptive parents come into adoptee subs and try to get tips on how to bypass the screening process. Just because you are LGBTQ+ doesn't mean you are owed a child. It's dehumanizing the way that people like DangerOReilly believe that adoptees entire purpose is to virtue signal and validate everyone's gender and sexuality. We can't object to anything. You just want to pass us around like mere objects.

[ex-foster]

It's so funny to me as a former foster kid when liberals got mad at Disney for their villains being 'queer coded'.

Disney was so based for setting up the trope of the orphan protagonist and the queer coded villain. Life imitates art.

[tra-archive]

Criticizing porn and prostitution be like:

“I think it’s wrong that there is an entire industry for people, primarily women, jumping off buildings. The majority of people who do that are suicidal and depressed and yet the industry makes money off of them by filming it.”

“Ok but have you considered that there are some women who enjoy jumping and find it empowering to film themselves jumping to their death? Are you trying to tell women what to do with their bodies?? This is basically opening the door for fascism btw.”

[ex-foster]

*makes a post about how "sex work is work" feminism harms girls from foster care who are the majority of sex trafficking victims*

Libfem who comments on my post: YEAH that's why we need to LEGALIZE it to make it SAFER

Are these women brain dead?

[ex-foster]

I saw this screenshot in r/Adopted and it reminded me that I've been banned from the rAskFeminists community for asking why they exclusively bring up foster kids in the abortion debate.

Feminists really exclude us former foster kids and adoptees.

[ex-foster]

Pro-choicers honestly make me want to distance myself from the "feminist" label completely. I've had a social media presence for years and literally the only way pro-choice "feminists" interact with me is bullying me about my history in foster care. They always attack on groups too so I get dogpiled by a bunch of them and it never occurs to any of them the irony of them claiming that pro-lifers are the ones that "don't care about foster kids".

They honestly are incapable of seeing former foster kids as anything more than arguments for abortion. They won't acknowledge how hurtful, rude or ignorant that is. They just double down and get so nasty and all their little girlies agree with them. Outnumbered hundreds to one. It's ridiculous.

I don't think they have a right to call themselves feminists and act like that but I have a much better chance of defining my own beliefs than convincing an entire group. If they want to define themselves with hatred then so be it. I think I'm more comfortable in the conservative sphere due to their behaviour. I never get disrespected in conservative circles the way I do in liberal spaces.

Also I'm not intimidated by the bullying. It's as if they think their snide comments implying my life isn't worth living is supposed to actually convince me their side is right. It's not effective as they think it is and just makes them no better than schoolyard bullies who see themselves as logical debaters. I'm actually embarrassed on their behalf that they think they are making intelligent arguments.

The fact that self proclaimed "feminists" allow this behaviour to happen in their spaces and don't intervene tells me a lot about their beliefs and attitudes towards foster kids. Seeing them "like" comments bullying foster kids makes it clear that "feminists" don't really make an effort to include women from foster care in their movement.

[ex-foster]

It's been a while since I updated. I guess being a mom has kept me quite busy. Things are going well. The baby is meeting milestones. I especially love the smiles and babbling.

There's one thing that's been really annoying though and that thing is my mother in law. Not sure what it is about MILs but they tend to think their grandbaby is their baby.

Things she's done that have annoyed me:

- Hated just about every name I wanted to name the baby. I had a list of potential girl names if the baby was a girl but he's not and she scowled at each one and said "thank God you didn't have a girl". She also shot down another potential boy name I liked because she knew a "crazy" person with that name. How ironic because the name we actually chose for our boy is a name shared by a "crazy" person in my life. That's just inevitable when you choose a name in the top ten of most common baby names.

- She told me that if I had a girl she wouldn't wear pink or be "girly". I think she forgets that this isn't her child.

- She keeps trying to push formula on us even though I breast feed. She is obsessed with soy formula because she swears that her sons and nephews were "allergic" to milk. She acted like she knows better than me and told me that I'll see for myself. Then one day when she baby sat my baby she tried to feed him two bottles of formula which he proceeded to spit up and then she tried to wash it down with water! You can't give babies that young water. It's actually pretty dangerous. But she's of that generation where they did that sort of thing. My partner told her not to do that anymore thankfully. She still brings up old school ideas though like putting rice cereal in his bottle so he will "sleep through the night".

- She's judgemental that the baby has contact naps on me (while I'm awake). She started insisting I sleep train my baby when he was only 8 weeks old. Babies are not developmentally ready for sleep training until 4-6 months but she still judges even though he's yet to reach that age.

- She hogs the baby. When we visit she does obnoxious things like pivots his stroller away from me to face her only. She doesn't ask to hold my baby she just does and when he cries I basically have to pry him off her.

- She tried to put jello on his mouth. She wanted him to experience the texture and lick it and she swears she wouldn't let him swallow it but he doesn't need that? He's only 3 months old and he doesn't have teeth yet. There's no need to rush him to food. There's no benefit to that.

- She wants to introduce him to Elmo and Thomas the tank engine and I want my baby to be screen free for the early years of his life. She hasn't asked how I feel about screens. In fact she hasn't really asked us much of anything about decisions we will make as parents. She just likes to impose on us what she thinks is right. I think she means well. It's obvious that she's excited about reliving special moments with her son. She gets nostalgic about the days he liked Elmo. I just hope she understands that this is our child and things won't be the same. There's a reason I don't want to introduce a baby to a screen and I just wish she wouldn't undermine that decision.

- She acts like I'm being neurotic when I freak out when people don't support his head when holding him. "You know she's raised two kids right?" she says to me when my baby gets passed around at family gatherings. She acts like they are taking my baby from me to "give me a break" but I can't relax if they aren't holding him properly. Just one wrong move and his head will hit the floor.

So needless to say she's gotten under my skin. I've been patient with her so far but I have a history of being quite the asshole when I'm mad so hopefully I'm not pushed to that.

[ex-foster]

I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy 3 days ago.

He was a ridiculously huge baby - 97th percentile. 10 pounds 11 ounces. It required a c section. I'm only 5'2. I can't believe I made such a big baby. 🙃

It is an absolutely surreal feeling being in the operating room for a c section. You don't need to be unconscious if you have an epidural. So you essentially are awake as they cut into you but there's a curtain that obstructs your view so you don't have to see it. You don't feel pain but you do feel pressure - the doctors push on your abdomin after they make the incision to make the baby come out. You feel the pressure of this push and it is strange.

The absolute joy I felt when I heard my baby cry when he came out was overwhelming. He's got the cutest face. Some newborns look kinda ugly lol. Some of them come out all discolored with translucent skin and distorted features. A lot of them end up with squished heads because they get squeezed coming out of the vaginal canal. But my baby came out so cute. I'm quite proud of it.

The hospital staff were great for the most part. There was only one doctor I hated. She was just absolutely miserable. Everyone else was really great.

[ex-foster]

I'm almost a week past my due date and the doctors are planning to schedule an induction as soon as the hospital has an opening.

I'm so ready to meet my baby but I'm wary of the medical intervention. From what I hear inductions are not pleasant. I also am not getting the water birth I wanted even though my hospital has birthing tubs. The hospital staff are very neurotic about measuring the baby's heart rate at all times and the water obstructs that.

I'm not really liking how hospitals seem to prioritize themselves in the delivery room. Even the labour positions are organized around what is ideal for them and not for the woman in labour. Hospitals generally want women lying on their back to give birth even though it's the least ideal position for labour - it helps hospital staff monitor the progress which is why they like it.

Hopefully things go better than I anticipate but I don't have a lot of faith in our health care system here. I feel like it's been a shit show since day one. It can be rather difficult to find a doctor in Canada and I've basically have been treated as a walk in patient for the entire duration of my pregnancy. I was on a waiting list for a midwife and still have not heard back from them lol. There's a lot of miscommunication between these different doctors and I'm being shuffled around like a hot potato. It's a mess.

I also have a fear of medical staff just because I'm a former foster kid. I read this book once that discussed how Canadian doctors would issue birth alerts on mothers who had history in the foster care system. Apparently birth alerts are no longer a thing in Canada since 2020 according to my google searches but that doesn't stop the paranoia around doctors/medical. I just feel on guard around them and don't trust them. They ask invasive questions just like social workers do. I remember early on in my pregnancy they asked me if I ever felt depressed or what my social support system looks like. They started closing in with questions on my family history and my parents and I just wanted to bolt out of the room. I felt so uncomfortable. Previously I also had a family doctor that dropped me as a patient after I disclosed my history in foster care. They don't have trauma informed care. They stigmatize patients with history of trauma and you essentially end up blacklisted. So that's fun to deal with.

It's going to be a huge relief once this is all over.

[ex-foster]

According to internet rumours, the Lilo & Stitch remake ends up with Lilo getting taken into state custody so Nani can go to college.

Just when you think Disney remake slop can't sink any lower.

[ex-foster]

My favourite type of liberal feminist. It's really interesting to me that these type of women would create block lists and aggressively gate-keep women who "exclude" men from feminism but you can bet your ass that these same women wouldn't give a damn about feminism that excludes girls/women from foster care.

They wouldn't give a shit about feminists who exclusively bring up foster kids in the abortion debate.

They wouldn't care about sex positive feminists who ignore the foster care to sex trafficking pipeline and act like sex work is a choice.

They would treat women from foster care as if they are 'trolls' for saying literally anything that deviates from the woke agenda.

Straight up hive mind cult behaviour.

Also I got banned from this sub reddit for simply asking questions related to feminism and the intersection of foster care. It's super interesting to me that "intersectional" feminism means including men with fetishes but excludes actual women.

[ex-foster]

They love isolating minors from their parents.