exist !

i want the past back all the time

[exist-or-die]

its stupid but

february 11, 2020. 12:35 am

when i was in high school i couldnt wait to leave. when we graduated i was like oh hell yeah my life is beginning!! new opportunities!!! imma live it up n be amazing!! but sometimes nowadays all i want is to go back man. i wanna redo senior year n enjoy it better n really soak it up and appreciate what i could have appreciated more. ive done a lot of valuable growing that im thankful for but i think im in a lil stuck spot rn, i dont know how to walk foward anymore.

i been kinda bothered by my brain lately, bad memory, weird dreams, sleepin bad, brain hurtin like im bein heckin LOBOTOMIZED bro its WACKYYYYYY. wackey. wa🔑 heh heh.

i just really wish i could clean my room n like b content. when im not happy im just sad. so its kinda like 80% sad 20% happy rn. which doesnt mean that wont change,, ! thats just how i be crunching the numbers lately.

anyway im pretty sure you’ll never see this haha so i guess i just be journaling now. idk if you remember this lil tumblr spot we had. good lil place, shadey n pleasent n nice. i miss so many things so much

ivebeen cryin a lot lately, dunno why

Onwards & Upwards

LL

[exist-or-die]

FRICK

February 11, 2020. 12:23 am.

i think i have a gotdamn brain problem sometimes my memory is horrible horribke horrible

i miss posting on here a lot i miss knowin ya good time has changed so much and its kinda very frustrating.

isk what my brain is doing but immmmmmmm LOSIN IT jk haha...... unless.....? 🤔🤓🧐

i hope you are superbly happy nowadays

Onwards & Upwards

LL

[exist-or-die]

we r just movin.

my throht hurtz bcuz i havunt drunk woter.

Onwards & Upwards

LL

[exist-or-die]

holy fucking shit

8 August 2018, 1:46 AM

Hello. I am actually texting you right now so this is a funny trip right here right now. anyway um. idk i feel like i have a lot to say i just havent decoded it from my own brain right now. i hope your job has gotten easier in terms of social anxiety, i know how that be and i know it be sucky. you know that feeling when social anxiety holds you back in a really stupid and infuriating way? like you want to speak and you’re about to but at the last second you freak out n stay quiet but you’re just stuck with that feeling of being about to do something and still wanting to do it but then it’s too late n then whoops window of opportunity is closed. 

life is getting ridiculously busy. especially, it seems, for you. is this what people mean when they say adult life is a shit parade? perhaps. 

anyway, i just walked back downstairs to my room and discovered that the iron is still plugged in and ON which is DANGEROUS so now my brain is like buddy boy your house is gonna burn down and the thing is i know the threat has been eradicated because i unplugged the iron but what if a SIMILAR SITUATION is happening elsewhere in the house so my brain is like buddy boy you better check every possible danger in the house. but im not gonna. but i wanna. but im not gonna cause i know that’s irrational. but what if the house burns down?

i’ve been kinda havin a meme of it lately but for some reason it’s been harder than EVER to tell anybody or address it really, it’s just happening. i dont know what to do. idk. im good though it like a constant headache^tm that you just get used to. i’ve just been idk anxious? it’s harder to breathe. im glued to the ground man. i want some good ol time pockets more than ever. 

frankie valli and the 4 seasons is the BEST BAND. besides voidwomb of course!!!

dude college is gonna fuck me UP. im going to miss you guys so fucking much and time just seems to be going faster. it still feels like my whole life ends in a month in a half. it still feels like im running out of all the time i have. one hell of a trip.

this is going to be severely long i am >sorry< but idk if i addressed “The meme(tm)” because it meant a lot to me, and i want to thank you for the past year as well. it was definitely 76% better than it would have been if you weren’t my friend. sorry for the cheese^tm.

Onwards & Upwards

LL

[exist-or-die]

No new news

24 May 2018 10:42 PM

One hell of a headache.

Onwards & Upwards

LL

[exist-or-die]

Its been a bit

Ok so like, i know how you feel. About wishing everyone else could get amnesia about you. And wanting to drift. Rough times. Things are rough. I can tell youre not having a great time but dude, youre loved as fuck by a lot of people. Including me. Also, you can be whoever. Its not as much of a struggle as it seems to be. You do you and thats all and youre great the way you are, fantastic in fact.

Ok so you dont have a good outlook on life and thats a fact (although maybe that changes based on relative definitions of good outlooks on life idk) but you let yourself look down on your future and i dont think thats fair to yourself. Give youreself a chance. Give your future a chance. It can be exactly how you want it to be. And that can be more than what you think is realistic right now. Also, if you drift or dissappear then you cant help me with my weed farm and ill miss you.

Theres this school called the California School of Herbal Studies and thats a big mood right now. I want to go so bad. But its 7000 dollars for tuition. I could go during my gap year but the money might not work out. But its all i want. So im gonna make it work.

Lets be wold during the summer and live like rebellious teenagers with permissive parents. Lets go to slab city, like round up all our friends and go there. Its this lawless city in california with really cool art installations.

Look at that. Beautiful. Im not religious but like one dude spent like 30 years building it and its the entrance to slab city.

We gotta go.

Onwards & Upwards

LL

[exist-or-die]

HELLO

22 March 2018 12:33 AM

I MISS YOU SO MUCH MAN WTSFD AHSJK

Idk why we havent been talking lately. Is it my fault?? Im so sorry if its my fault. I do that though it's so bad i stop talking to everyone i went through kind of a rough patch back there but i think things are getting better. We should talk more. You didnt do anything if youre worried about that. It's definitely my fault. Fuck im sorry :((

I dont even know how youve been. :((((

Ive been playing music a lot like for hours at night because its nicer than trying to sleep lol. Oregon was really fun, one of the plays was sooo LIT i wanna tell you all about it.

Hope we talk soon.

Onwards & Upwards

LL

[exist-or-die]

Fuck

4 march 2018 9:15 PM

How do you resign yourself to life

Onwards & Upwards

LL

[exist-or-die]

28 february 2018 9:56 PM

ok this song is long im sorry but the 4 minute mark is pretty good i promise

Onwards & Upwards

LL

[exist-or-die]

fuck

28 february 2018 9:37 PM

fuck man it’s been a while im sorry. isolation can be a bad habit of mine.

is anything free will anymore? nothing feels free. there’s always something holding you back. if i could up and leave right now i would but i can’t because of you guys my friends. and money. i dont have enough. nothing feels free. even a skull is a jail cell for our brains. skeletons are flesh prisons lmao. or maybe the flesh itself is a prison. idk man my brain’s been scattered as fuck lately.

why do you feel you need to smoke? to not be sober? 

haywire hands dropping the pen no communication if i can’t write a message

im gonna post more i promise

Onwards & Upwards

LL

[exist-or-die]

20 february 2018 1:13 AM

wah wah wah

Onwards & Upwards

LL

[exist-or-die]

no sleep not now not here

20 february 2018 1:00 AM

not even because of hannibal. sleep just doesn’t happen sometimes. 

the hill would be a good place to sleep. if i could get over the fear of getting eaten by a rabid coyote or something. im prone to paranoia.

i love music that makes me feel like im having a fever dream where i float up from where i am and keep floating until im out of the atmosphere and in space, and i keep going until ive seen all the planets and stars and i keep going until i reach nothing

im gonna get a ton of plants and make my room damn near a jungle. i need the oxygen. its my favorite drug ;)

im tired. 

Onwards & Upwards

LL

[exist-or-die]

15 february 2018 11:13 PM

Twilight adventure is a go.

New goal: get the fuck out of this house more. As much as possible.

The world is loco. So are all the people in it.

Im not going to forget you.

Im so excited for this weekend its the first one in a while that i didnt either have work or dance or a shit ton of bullshit to do. Protip: everything is bullshit unless you make it not bullshit.

I wish i could sleep for years.

Onwards & Upwards

LL

[exist-or-die]

13 february 2018 11:44 PM

...

Onwards & Upwards

LL

[exist-or-die]

fall       back       in       to       place

13 february 2018 10:53 PM

i have the perfect hill in mind. ive been wanting to go there for forever at night with a lantern and some guitars it’s a prime place. i think im just gonna start going there. why not do things you wanna do, no? why not. so lets go sit on the hill. 

ive been really anxious too. i didn’t know why at first i think i thought it was from consuming coffee but now im pretty sure it’s because of college. i want to stay right here. im not good at making friends either. rough time for sure. i’ve got six months until im going somewhere or *hopefully* staying for a gap year but it feels like i only have six months left to live. 

lowkey feel like the spiral has already begun but highkey hoping itll be fine. 

have you read the book “all the bright places”?

I think it’s cool how when you meet someone and get to know them you get used to the person they are and you understand parts of each other without having to say anything. 

Onwards & Upwards

LL

[exist-or-die]

man o man

7 february 2018 11:36

lets find a good tall mountain and sit on it. just sit and look at everything for while. we don’t even have to think, just look at things. maybe we’d become enlightened idk. maybe we’d feel real tall. it would be cool to be on such a tall mound of dirt. earth is dirt, mountain is some more dirt. dirt on dirt. 

everything seems to be working out for everyone. most of my friends are so happy, it’s wholesome and im glad pieces are falling together. 

sometimes i think about like this tumblr thing and i guess it’s weird? like for other people i guess. if i were to tell anyone about it i would probably say “so this is weird” before telling them but why would i do that because idk i don’t think it’s that weird. it’s cool. i like it. it’s like a secret code. makes me feel young.

hows camp?

Onwards & Upwards

LL

[exist-or-die]

1 february 2018 4:03 PM Its!hard!to!make!sense! Onwards & Upwards LL