[sa-dnesss]

[infpisme]

[yourplayersaidwhat]

“Welcome to The Grave, the cure for whatever may or may not be ailing you.”

-The vampire cleric who runs an alchemy shop.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Chaotic Neutral

Upon finding an old dragon skeleton and meeting an old man who was secretly a warlock of some sort, our dragon found an artifact among the bones and refused to give it up causing the old warlock to accuse the group of trying to trick him.

Wizard Ranger: -Begins attacking the old man-

Half-Elf: -Pulls out sword and starts gently tapping the ranger on the head while in a very monotone voice- “No, stop, don’t do that that’s bad.”

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Cleric: You never told us there was a goddess of secrets! GM: If I just told you it wouldn’t be a secret.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

How I proposed to my girlfriend through dnd

This happened on April 7th, 2018.  I am the DM, the player of the Necromancer Jada is my gf. the party is 6 people who have been tasked with defeating an evil necromancer who is making an artifact to amply his power is some way. they have just defeated him.

DM: as the necromancer dies you hear a (closes ring box behind screen for sound effect) as the ball of stone and energy he was focused on is locked into a pedestal radiating a small amount of necromantic energy. the Horde of zombie that had been protecting him crumble to dust. What do you do?

gnome wizard: I want to loot his body!

Jada: I too will loot his body

aarakocra fighter: i want to take the bad guys head and sit in a corner

most of the rest of the party: we are moving away from the alter.

DM: Ok would anyone like to deal with the pedestal?

aarakocra fighter: Yeah is anyone going to go for the pedestal? I’m happy with just the necromancer’s head.

Jada: I’ll touch the artifact/pedestal

DM: Ok Guys….

Someone:SHHHHHHHHHH

DM: ok as you touch the pedestal you feel a little bit of necromantic energy drain from you. it opens and there is a burst of air on the air you hear some faint whispers “Becky (Jada’s player) will you marry me?” *pulls box out and opens it to reveal the engagement ring*

Jada (ooc): covers her mouth in surprise then gets up and come and hugs me then puts on the ring saying yes

rest of party (ooc); laughing clapping “Success!” (they all knew this was happening before the session started)

[yourplayersaidwhat]

We’re setting up for a short homebrew to play for a few hours, and I’ve set everything up for my character except the name.

DM: What’s his name? Me: *instinctively gives a voice-cracking screech* DM: Hhhhyyeerrrgghhh? Me: *realizing what I’ve done and committing to it* Yep. DM: *fully onboard and loving it* Well, all right then!

I then played the entire night making whatever inhuman sounds my throat could make as my character voice.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

I'm gonna name him Chester!

For context, my character is a level 15 alchemist named Alphonse Kendrick. Naturally, he’s somewhat off his rocker and often does things that are flat out crazy and insane, but somehow work out in the end. During a siege event with a larger army, the party had managed to capture a treasure chest that had been enchanted with “animate object” and “magic mouth,” essentially turning it into a chest that screams for help when it’s being stolen. After they get it back to base, they start working on how to open it. That’s when this happens:

Me: “I begin stroking it gently on the lid and asking it ‘Who’s a good chest? Who’s a good chest?’”

DM: “…It goes silent and begins to nervously whimper.”

Me: “I continue to stroke it and speak lovingly to it as I produce a gold coin and hold it in my hand like a dog treat.”

DM: “Oh, dear god. It slowly ‘sniffs’ the coin in your hand. You hear the locking mechanism begin to work.”

Me: “'That’s it, you’re a good chest! You’re a good chest!’”

DM, with his head down, trying not to lose it from laughing: “It opens its lid and takes the gold piece, also allowing you access inside.”

In the end, we recovered the treasure, and my mad alchemist now has a pet chest with its own alarm system. It’s name is Chester!

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Our Druid currently is in a lake, surrounded by fish and a Crab.

Druid: I want to make the crab my friend Druid: *rolls a 15* DM: being you are level one, the crab feels a slight attraction to you- Bard: Attraction? Does it love you? Sorcerer: Please, Cilantro do not fuck the crab DM: the voice of god tells you: DO NOT FUCK THE CRAB

[yourplayersaidwhat]

My tabaxi came out...

Context: My buddy’d set up a one-off Halloween themed campaign for his partner and friends, which all started with our party going to a pub and accepting a bet with a strangely charismatic guy. The bet being to survive the night in a haunted mansion, and if we do, we’ll get his entire fortune. It opens with our characters waking up in the mansion, and finding themselves in shackles bound to the underside of tables facing downwards, except for my tabaxi rogue called “Leafy”, who is supposedly on his own in a completely dark space he can’t see through. After our necromancer Misty Steps and face plants her way out of their shackles, and the two barbarians escaping via the reduce spell, while the other one nat 20s a table into oblivion, I’m the only one left.

DM: You literally can’t see a single thing.

Me: I’ll try and light a candle to see if that helps.

DM: You light the candle, but it makes no difference. You’re just as blind as ever.

Me: Um okay. I extinguish my candle and reach around me to try and find anything that can lead me out of this darkness.

DM: You reach forward and immediately touch a smooth wood-like surface.

Me: …

Dm: …

Me: You put me in a cupboard, didn’t you? I lean forward and open the cupboard from the inside.

DM: As you lean forward, the door gives and you tumble out in front of the party. Congrats everyone, you’ve witnessed Leafy come out of the closet.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

“It’s weird when your Necromancer is the voice of consent.”

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Look What You Made Me Do

So there’s this one campaign I’ve recently joined. The group I’m now with used to be pretty NSFW until I came along, because I can get offended by sexual stuff very easily.

Of course, that didn’t stop these guys from screwing with me in several other aspects. One particular method they used just to annoy me was have their characters talk behind my back.

Drow Fighter: (near the end an IC campfire discussion regarding my human child warlock) Splendid. We shall mislead her until the time is right. Then we will destroy her.

Human Wizard: Plan. Let’s see this brat’s dreams go to waste.

Me, OOC: You guys are fucking terrible.

Drow, OOC: Thank you.

Me, OOC: As in Team Rocket terrible.

Wizard, OOC: (giggling) I am so sorry.

It never occurred to them that my attempt at burning them was a promise from me that I would get back at them one day.

One day, I was in a particularly bad mood. A few minutes before our session, I’d been talking with the only other member on my team with a non-Evil character, a CN tabaxi warlock. The problem is that the player himself as well as pretty much everyone else is Evil. So while we were talking, he was continuously scaring me with a bunch of stuff on purpose.

When it became time to battle a pretty large sleuth of owlbears, I decided to show my party just how much I’ve had it with them.

Drow: Child! Get down from the rock and help us!

Me: (watching the fight from above this rock while lying on her stomach) No.

Tabaxi Warlock: C'mon, we’re about to get crushed here! We need healing!

Me: Heal me first!

Wizard: What the fuck, kiddo?!

Me: You hurt my feelings!

Drow: Child, we have never spoken against you.

Me: Yes you did!

Wizard: Name one!

Me: “Let’s see this brat’s dreams go to waste.”

Party: …

Me: And before that, you guys set a village on fire while I was returning the griffons we borrowed. (a previous incident)

Party: ……

Me: Before THAT, you guys went around stealing gold and putting it in my pack just to annoy me. (another previous incident, which had surprisingly ended well)

Drow: …And how did you know of all this, child?

Me: (holding up her book of Shadows) My patron let me know.

(It’s right then when our tabaxi gets taken down by an owlbear.)

My Warlock: Oh, oops.

Tabaxi, OOC: The fuck, dude?!

Me, OOC: Aspect of the Moon, bitches.

Drow, OOC: Weren’t you supposed to be sleeping?

Me, OOC: I always said she was laying down, did you ever hear me say she was sleeping?

(Everyone realizes that I’m right.)

Wizard, OOC: (giggling super hard) We are so doomed.

DM: Damn straight, she fucked you guys ten times over. (laughing)

Long story short, everyone else in the party got killed by owlbears while I ran off with their gold in my pockets. Everyone else had to get a new character, and none of them were Evil. While giving them the time to do that, I asked the DM if I deserved a penalty for not following my alignment, but he gave me an Inspiration instead.

I am pleased to announce that there were no more mind games with me after that. I had become the youngest and most influential member of that campaign overnight.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Druid: Check out this worm! I love him.

Warrior: You love a worm? You shouldn’t throw that word around so lightly.

Druid: Why not? What else should I do with all my love? Should I keep it all in my heart until I die, or should I share some with this funny little guy? *to the worm* I love you!

[yourplayersaidwhat]

My character is illiterate and I am left-handed, so I use my right hand to cover a piece of paper in misspelled, simple words at varying angles and sizes. My DM finds the paper and picks it up, reading it quietly and looking confused.

DM: “What’s this?”

Me: “Jena’s learning to write! See that says horse, and wagon, and some of the other character’s names…”

The DM quietly pulls me in for a firm hug, patting my back and saying nothing. 

Me: “Too cute?”

DM: “Too cute.”

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Our bard has died and revivify failed. At the temple many clerics prepare the raise dead ritual.

Our party cleric cradles her head gently in her hands, surrounded by the bard’s friends and boyfriend, leans in close to begin her contribution to the resurrection ritual.

Cleric: I bet you’re loving this, you fucking drama queen.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Dealing with an unsavory player and character.

Setup, We had been running a long term homebrew campaign and a friend of ours brought in a new player who turned out to be a pain in and out of character by looting everything while we all battled the bosses then bluffed his way out.

Just after a boss fight, Me to DM(ooc): So just for clarification true resurrection only needs the smallest organic particle right?

DM: Umm yeah??

ME: Anything like a toenail, Hair or such?

DM again: Yeah..why

ME: Because this guy is pissing me off in and out of game and his character is wearing dragonscale armor with at least several chromatic breeds.

DM: still puzzled then a look of shock.

Me in character: I cast true resurrection on (characters) armor.

Player: rolls 1 on saving throw, 6 dragons immediately erupt from his body while I flee the scene.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

We got banned from the magical buffet...

DM: You’re seated at a grand table filled with delicious foods that replenish as soon as you eat them. Titanius: Can we take the food with us for our travels? DM: Yes. Titanius: I put 18,000 metric tons of toast into my bag of holding. DM: You what Titanius, looking the DM straight in the eye: You heard me Richard.