The Chronicles of Working Freelance (Somewhat) (1/?)
I’ve been working for two months now so this is probably long overdue. I’m choosing this time because it’s significant enough that I would like to remember it in the future.
While this series may evolve in the future as a guide to freelancing, it is only fitting that I would start with the self or rather the mindset one must have to work freelance. Particularly in this post, it details my own turmoils while working.
Let’s start with a little background. I work at a university IT Center, something I chose because I’m told it would be flexible, like working freelance (somewhat), and the pay is better to make up for the lack of the usual benefits of a company (insurance, bonuses, etc). Long story short, I got in and while the pay is good, flexibility still depends on the kind of work you get. In my case, I still have to adhere to the usual 8am to 5pm work hours, something I wanted to avoid as I am very aware that my productive hours are nowhere in that range. That said, I had to deal with what I got.
And deal with it I did, with a lot of struggle.
I was on time, but it didn’t last long. Bad habits from college arose, lots of late time-ins and absences took place. I quickly found out though, that it had no bearing to my pay as I still received the full payment. Why? The office hours were for show with the clients. We as developers are free to work even on our own time, which is often what I did in this project.
I learned however, that this did not work in my favor, as more often than not, I end up procrastinating until the last minute.
What was the cause of this? Well it might be the underlying factor that I have mediocre interest in web development itself. While I often enjoy the process when I am working, the thought of starting it becomes dreadful instead of exciting. The reason is much deeper than that however.
As a person who watched countless movies of people finding their happiness and success, I know what each story had in common: passion. That drive never goes away, that ultimately motivates you to work everyday. And as a seasoned procrastinator, motivation is a constant need. I do not feel it for web development, I only feel it for things that unfortunately will not pay my bills.
The dilemma goes as whether I should continue it or find my passion, something time and money will not allow me. This takes me at a standstill, a thought that occurs every time I have a task I know I must do but end up not doing. It took a failed chance at communication, a swarming guilt from not being able to deliver and being an inconvenience to people who are important to me that made me realize that I am not free and independent as I like to be. I had to accept that my decisions do affect other people, that I cannot look at life like I am the only one in it. But also that, I will never find passion if I am stuck thinking about how to find it.
It is in fact my lack of action that ends up failing me in the end. No motivation will come from inactivity. It is not sustainable to be constantly waiting for motivation. Passion will not come from half-hearted attempts at working. I realized I am stuck in this cycle of wanting and waiting. I need to be constantly exploring, not chasing a momentary feeling. I need to know what it feels like to commit and give all of my effort into something, before I can truly say that ‘hey, i don’t think this is for me’. I have to learn to be unafraid of wasting my time, of not getting it right the first time and of the possible pain and regret that comes with commitment. Because having passion means that you have to deal with all of those and still survive.
I admit to being babied since birth, to being lucky in life and to always taking the safer, more calculated route. While it is not wrong, it remains that I never truly knew suffering or pain. And I never knew the strength to keep pushing back. I never knew how to commit. And that is the first hurdle I have to take in order to move out of this cycle.
