Yeah, as youve noticed I havent been much on tumblr in the recent years.
Ive been on twitter which is really no better.
But it has been a couple very sad years, I thought I was happy with the only thing I have had.
I.. I dont know if I should talk about this, I will be honest, I am scared.. but I can't keep letting the false narrative keep slipping away.. and this has to stop!
Its going to be a one long text, like rest assured pure cringe, like who ordered the french cries? though I wont really cover things in detail.
Ive been putting up with a lot, its been completely miserable but I kept fighting despite my spirits being low.
A person I loved dearly and unconditionally for as long as we've been together has not only broken the trust of many, but as well as of my own.
And before I continue I must express that this is BY NO MEANS AN INVITATION TO HARASS, STALK, CONFRONT OR SEARCH FOR THEM TO SEND HORRIBLE THINGS OR LET ALONE THREATS, this WILL NOT REMEDY ANYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED AND YOU WILL NOT BE PLAYING A HERO DOING THAT PART. CONSIDER THESE EFFORTS RENDERED USELESS AND POINTLESS.
This is an UPDATE ON ME. WHAT I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH. DO NOT INVITE YOURSELF TO BE THE KNIGHT, I APPRECIATE THE CONCERN BUT DO NOT PLAY THE HERO.
To plenty they were a very deceptive and a performative person, Ive worked with them to be more open and honest with their feelings to others as I thought they were at least with me, unfortunately I was so busy worrying about being a bad partner I was completely blind that I could perhaps be the victim, I thought I could not be manipulated, practically immune to it due to so many experiences where I have been on both sides of the coin and putting in the work to learn as much as I could about the topic, but I've been bested, I turned out just the same as all the others Ive hoped one day would be spoken to truthfully.
I always believed thats the biggest strength behind any relationship is communication and I will admit I think I have done my part really well at least working with what I know and the things Im told.
Recent years been difficult because the person I've considered was the one to make me whole, the person I was never, even for a moment, regretful of being a spouse to, a person I never spoke ill of, has been doing a lot of sabotaging in our communication and relationship, let alone has been unfaithful but this topic is a bit complicated.
I am kind of a mean, mischievous, can be misbehaved, hyper and annoying person IRL, though those last parts im very conscious of , trying to be aware of as much as possible and I still work on, I like to believe I am becoming more tame here and there but theres still a lot of work to do and I cant help but be determined, but I always gave a pass to all the mistreatment I have received because I believed it was always just the outcome of my character, of course there were times when I have been wronged badly and I had to put my foot down and put my feelings first about pretty extreme issues but it was always treated like I was not allowed to be upset, feel wronged or anything, very specific people would believe this despite acting like I am being sympathized with, only to hold grudges against me when I am not around.
I think my partner has done a lot of g..great things? I used to admit it proudly all the time, they were always just a sweet and kind person, despite that I have observed this only being all performative to keep the peace between their peers, yet I have lead to believe that it was all genuine when that was referred to me because I was always told that I am "the only person comfortable enough to be myself around".
We both cared after eachother however Ive learnt that all the minimal acts of kindness I have been receiving were both an obligation and they had nothing to lose doing so, on top of being bound to depend on these "acts of kindness" due to several mishaps on my partner's behalf, despite fighting for the liberty of my own individuality.
My partner has been actively sabotaging our relationship and our communication, and it has turned into a severe form of gaslighting, again I thought I was better than being played like that, and to a degree I kept seeing it over and over - over throughout the past years, but it was always chalked down to my partner claiming they just have memory issues, on top of claiming they have to rely on my memories to redirect the sense of who's being gaslit. I still saw it through them but I always never lost belief in them and their ability to better themselves and become more comfortable with being honest. I just chalked it all down to just it being small and working with my partner to help them become more open.
However my partner has been doing unspeakable things in secret and has been for years and these things still spoke through their actions and words, its all I could assume that they were slipping just into being worsened for both reasons that are motivated by depression and perhaps just getting too comfortable with it.
I have fought to keep them above the water but I've just watched them instead walk into the deeper ends of the ocean while reassuring me they still wanted.
Despite their acts of caring for me, its where it stopped and things between us were becoming extremely frustrating, Ive constantly been made to question my own reality at every moment of the day, I couldnt feel more alone and there are still more things I am still trying to come in terms with because as I am still in an incomplete disbelief of everything that has been happening and as someone who has grown with no kindness through their childhood going into their teen years, I am easily overturned by the sweet talking of people and my feelings can be easily twisted.
It was eye opening when a person who had feelings of hatred towards me, who often spoke ill of me and even threatened me, saw firsthand that I was being mistreated..
I just took all of it as something that was normal or that I deserved.
This year I have become absolutely miserable and my frustrations with my partner grew and I myself have worsened and I was fighting for my life to get across to my partner and have any of my concerns about them, myself, ourselves seriously, about anything really.
Everything has really been taking the demons out of me and I have progressively been becoming more agitated but I still tried to stay strong and only resorted to put my foot down when things were getting extreme.
I have grown to forget my way, I was too overshadowed by my gained mistrust, doubt, neglect and disappointment, but perhaps it was like that for a couple of months once I started losing the fight trying reaching my partner in all the ways I could possibly try, so I had to become more assertive.
When I realized my partner was hurt by it as they claim, it was a moment of realization that all I have slipped as well and I must better myself, and when expressed, it was not agreed to be mutual on multiple occasions and I had to take on the part of bettering myself and I couldn't help but keep beating myself and feeling grief for my partner, I was very determined to be better for our partner and even in general, even if it means I have to suffer in silence, hoping that one that my partner would see for themselves what has been going on (They have claimed they did but they did not believe it, nor see it.)
Regardless, they were deep in the overwhelming guilt of their actions, and it seems like an exit was on the way so to secure their safety in case it just happens and they are finally caught red, so in attempts to one-up me and have the upper hand when things go down, they have been excessively fibbing our relationship and things that been happening between us to their family, friends and the web, making up fabricated facts or stories, retelling events as if they occurred differently, or trimming context to fit their narrative followed by a false display of guilt, example:
What has happened: "Person A puts something that is valuable to them on the chair Person B sits on, The unsuspecting Person B returns and mounts the chair, the valuable breaks, Person B shouts at Person A and asks "Why would you do that??" followed by "Youre right i should have paid attention, I will purchase you another one!"
The narrative spoken by Person A "Person B broke something that was so important to me and then yelled at me, I cried because I know it was my fault".
Or lets take a real scenario that has happened, I could say that my partner "broke my front teeth", of course anything would get upset, however what really has happened was that we bumped our heads together on accident.
Its really as if they were curating a monster out of me just to have this be used against me. I am not their perfect creation so everything else was just a fib to tell to complete the image they were trying to sell of themselves and me.
They knew that if their actions were revealed, they would be shunned, so they have secured their place ahead of time and have turned everyone whom dont speak to me, or at least not as often against me, they have done everything in their power that word would not come out and have coordinated with people to keep it a secret, asking people that I must not know of it and deleted all footprint of locating me, which was not for my safety, but it was for theirs. because if people reached out to me, and I were to testify, the whole narrative would have fallen apart, therefore why they have also chosen not to speak to people who know me too well or any of our mutual friends, anyone who lacked the access to confronting me were chosen as a target.
After all these findings I was begged to keep it silent.
If people were to speak to me, they would have known what was really going on, they would have heard the truth.
This person actively keeps deleting all the dirt and footprint that backs up my claims and they cant afford people finding out the truth, they are fighting to reduce all of to thoughts and assumptions and they are yet still in hopes of altering my mind so I am, and everything is still under control.
The craziest thing, they would be the last person on this planet you would ever think any of this of, and thats where I failed coming to terms with what was going on, you could never believe this person would be anything or do anything like that.
And surely it will be difficult for many to come to terms with the idea of what is completely opposite of how they perceive this person.
This person works hard to be perceived this way, consider it all roleplay, and yes this exhausts them but they are hard at work performing for others. Anything they say to you, to me, to their friends and to their family are nothing they mean of, nothing they believe of, and you will notice that different people get different versions as they struggle to keep consistency in their story.
And when are asked by anybody to further understand the very contents of the topic they vent/complain about, they either evade any questions given or tippy toe around them.
They claim they know the truth, but there are too many witnesses, among many of their friends who have already seen it all regardless on what side they are, and all this truth falls apart when asked a few simple questions.
Perhaps it could have been my fault, I always caught on to their lies, but I always had my hopes up that we together can overcome this and they could be more open about their honesty, I never gave up on them but they have chosen to give up on everything and myself, ourselves.
They actively are still playing with people's feelings and are being deceptive with the stories they share, so comfortable they even still mistakenly try and attempt to do the same with me, fully unaware or forgetful I am a witness of even of all the recent events they rehearse back to me, could just be that they still see me "accepting" any newer lies they tell me, as they are testing their boundaries to what extent i could be manipulated into.
I am completely defeated and torn and its going to be an extremely long healing process if i make it, however some things are to stick forever and have completely altered my brain chemistry, or to say it like a normal person, I am completely traumatized from all that has been happening.
I am broken and I am going to have a lot of trust issues moving forward, let alone its going to be hard to bounce back from their self preserving actions, and to be fair, they have won, they have succeeded at what they did (and even perhaps the one or few people who encouraged this.
No need to remind me that things could be better,
I was born determined, and despite anything, no matter how low my spirits are, I always try and keep my chin up to make things better, and I am actively making attempts to get my feet back on the ground.
But to be honest, I have been beat up so many times, down to a pulp, with not much to recover with, that I am going to be very very very broken and for a very very very very long time, I am not going to be quite the same anymore and I think a lot of things have become very tainted to me.
Once I thought they were the only light among the endless darkness in my life, I was only chasing the blossoming light of the sea's deepest water predators, and after that, still only darkness. played by what was in front of me. and this goes soo many others as well, I'm not alone in this.
Anyway, I dont think I am passionate about art anymore, I might post some thing maybe but see it as something I couldnt enjoy doing in the process, not even as a guilty pleasure im hoping nobody would find out, if i need a picture in my mind to exist then this is the only destination to it.
I am still going to try and be better, but I am consumed by darkness and it has torn me apart till nothing has remained. Im beat and its probably going to show so I am sorry. I am going to be very bitter, I am really but a corpse at this point, no flesh will grew on it, at this point ive got to make do with whatever is left of me.
Perhaps I believe a lot of things thats been happening to me was because I deserve them,
But this.. I didnt deserve any of this.. I really tried my best.. I really did my best.. exceeding all beyond my abilities, I was extremely weak and for a long time and I still pushed through to do my best. I've made my efforts.
At the moment its hard to enjoy some stuff, I dont think I can enjoy anything right now, I am making the effort to but I cant, but I know that with time it would probably get better and I will be able to. but obviously some things are just dead forever.
This is my story, im not sure what other devious things this person is up to, especially understanding they are deleting anything that will harm them, I could be the very next thing, but hopefully at least theres this..
I have been simmering on this for months, perhaps even years but I've let myself to endure it all thinking it was all just normal and as long as we loved each other it was okay, but there was nothing, I was just alone for the most of it,
I just want to be heard.. I am tired of sweeping around their mess, but I hope this would be the last one..
Again, please do not attack them, it will do no good and think of it as something that will harm me in the process.
All I wanted was finally to testify and be heard, on top of just clearing up the air on my disappearance. I dont know how often I would be here, it is a dead platform after all, but god knows whats coming forward anymore.
Thank you for reading it up to here if you have, please no drama, please just be civil, I really cant deal with anymore.. I am already full of sadness as is, I am already spending every day panicking being trapped in my own memories and thoughts, I am booked. so please, do not harass. do not do it no matter how strongly you feel of it, if you are angered by reading all of this, keep yourself calm, if you must at least do it for me, please..
I am just.. really really tired man,I tried to keep strong but I am not fit for this world, I am not fit for any of this regardless of the extension of my strength.
If I suddenly disappear without a trace, I will be at least comfortable knowing I was able to speak of what has really been happening.
Again, thank you for taking a moment out of your day to go throughout this yapfest and allowing me to be finally open about what has been going on.
I hope the rest of you will have a nicer rest of your year considering all the hurdles we all are going through as of right now.
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