lu's blog

pfp art: @sunnyoclock 20 - them/him - insufferable english lit student - fan of many things but currently hyperfixating on aftg - kysolas on ao3

[exylover32]

do you guys ever think about andrew abruptly ending most of his and neil's conversations by saying "i'm done talking to you now. go away" and neil listening every single time and how that was probably one of the first things to make andrew wonder if neil would respect his "no" in other situations

[froheas]

A little refreshment 🫪

[serafinapickelda]

"Andrew doesn't believe in regret"

This line is so foundational to Andrew's character! I always see folk talk as if Andrew is neurologically incapable of regret, as if he cannot actually feel the emotion of regret. I think that Andrew can, and perhaps does, feel regret in canon. What the "Andrew doesn't believe in regret" line actually shows is that Andrew works hard to only make decisions that he can stand by - including his decision to be with Neil.

The idea that Andrew doesn't do regret comes up twice - and both times it's used to reassure Neil that Andrew wants him!

Renee says it first, after explaining how she and Andrew split protection of the Foxes:

At this point, andreil is well under way. Neil knows that Andrew likes him, and Neil is falling HARD for Andrew (This conversation w/ Renee happens immediately after the rooftop "90% / I want to see you lose control" conversation). In this context, telling Neil that Andrew doesn't believe in regret tells Neil that Andrew doesn't regret keeping him, that Andrew doesn't regret any of it: not the power that he's handed Neil, not Neil's interfering with his and Aaron's relationship, not any feelings that might be developing between them. It reaffirms Neil's vision of Andrew as strong, in control, a pillar that Neil can lean on without breaking - all the things that make Neil fall in love with Andrew.

The second mention of Andrew not doing regret is during Andrew and Neil's first kiss:

Here, Neil really wants to kiss Andrew! He is trying to reassure himself that it's ok to keep kissing him, given that Neil is convinced that he's going to die soon. This is the day that Neil calls Andrew for help mid panic attack, and the day that he buys Andrew the Maserati. Neil is fully aware that Andrew is important to him and already committed to not hurting him. So he takes Renee's words and uses them to reassure himself that Andrew IS strong enough and willing enough to take the consequences of his decisions, even if those consequences mean letting Neil in for this little bit of intimacy before Neil's inevitable death.

Funnily enough, when Neil is NOT trying to reassure himself that Andrew doesn't regret Neil himself, this is Neil's assessment of Andrew's capacity for regret:

Neil clearly disapproves of the Upperclassmen's attitude to Andrew. A missplaced sense of necessity - in other words, Neil thinks that Andrew is capable of regretting his actions and of understanding other people's anger. The Upperclassmen are wrong to think that Andrew is just wired to not feel emotion (wrong to think he's a "sociopath"). When really, Andrew does not regret his actions simply because he thinks that they were correct. [And this scene comes in between the 2 examples above, so we're not seeing Neil change his mind - we're literally seeing him clinging to the idea that Andrew doesn't regret when it comes to NEIL specifically!]

As for Andrew himself, he says the word "regret" only once in canon.... and it's when he agrees to go to the Hemmicks' for dinner. He tells Neil that: "we're all going to regret this". Which I mean, ouch. But also the line is "we" , which very clearly includes Andrew himself in the group of people who he expects to feel regret.

Tellingly, Neil's response to "we're all going to regret this" is to ask if Andrew really killed Tilda, and Andrew makes it clear that (a) he did kill her and (b) he doesn't regret it. I think it's interesting that the text is placed this way - as if to point out that Andrew's lack of remorse over Tilda is not because of his neurological wiring or even his trauma, but because his fully considered take on the situation is still that he did the right thing. Unlike going to the Hemmicks', which he doesn't think is the correct thing to do, and so is something he expects to regret.

This desire to keep a tight lid on his emotions by strictly controlling situations is completely in character for Andrew (and he doesn't just do it with regret! Fear too: "what were you doing on the roof?" "Feeling"). It's also in character to want complete control over his own actions - Andrew over-analyses and seeks to control every aspect of a situation so that his own actions are completely under his control, are exactly what HE wants to do (which is also why the medication is so very terrible for him!). Andrew doesn't believe in regret not because he doesn't feel the emotion, but because he is extremely CAREFUL to make choices that he will not regret. Regret is pointless (like guilt or shame) in the sense that if you have analysed the situation, set your mind on the outcome you want & acted accordingly, then what is there to be regret?

To be clear, I don't deny that Andrew experiences less emotion in general than is typical. We know that Andrew experiences numbness, and that he cares about very few things. Nora says in the EC that even post-canon he doesn't sulk or get grumpy, he's way more likely to just shut down entirely instead. @andrewminyard-josten says in this post that Andrew's apathy is both natural to him and a controlled self-defence mechanism - and I essentially agree with this. Andrew may experience less emotion because his neurology/trauma makes him prone to numbness - but at the same time he goes to efforts to manage and control the emotions that he DOES experience. Crucially, the full range of emotions are available to Andrew. He might feel them in a more muted way, or he might sometimes shut down rather than feel them - but avoiding an emotion like regret all together (not "believing" in regret) comes from his actions.

I think this matters because if we move away from thinking that Andrew just can't experience regret, then it means that Andrew fully endorses all of his canon behaviour! All of the things that he does not regret - killing Tilda, drugging Neil, choking Allison, strangling Kevin, loving Neil - are things that he doesn't regret not because he is incapable of feeling the emotion, but because he completely and whole heartedly stands by them. He would do it all again, if given the chance. Good for him, I say.

[exylover32]

"As for Andrew himself, he says the word 'regret' only once in canon.... and it's when he agrees to go to the Hemmicks' for dinner. He tells Neil that: 'we're all going to regret this'"

[griefhole]

victim on victim violence

[knightclubbing]

fumbled the queen but i still have to remain in her service because of my oath for life. so its just really awkward now all the time. fuck my stupid chivalrous life

[exylover32]

@dridwine REBLOGGED SAYING KANDREW IM CRYING

[hichufox]

Ex-Raven, Jean Moreau

[495lz]

reposting again…….chapstick lesbian neil x femme lesbian andrew save me

[exylover32]

i was thinking about why i find writer!andrew so compelling, and yes, there is the surface-level reason that the eccentric, antisocial writer stereotype just fits him so well. it's too funny to think of andrew pouring over his work for days on end (while complaining to his cats about how much he hates writing) and ignoring calls from his agent begging him to please god finish the draft by the deadline this time. on a deeper level though, i think it has to do with the fact that andrew is fundamentally misunderstood by everyone except neil, renee, and his therapist, and doesn't go out of his way to make himself understood. were andrew to take up writing, or any form of artistic expression, he would have a way to communicate his rich and complex internal world while still maintaining a layer of self-removal. he would have the chance to be understood, to be seen, by some of the people who encounter his work, because they wouldn't be seeing andrew minyard the monster or andrew minyard the victim, only the vague sensibility behind the words on the page. my favorite writer!andrew fic is Why do we feel alone? by Leocante on ao3. it's a brilliant exploration of what writing could mean to andrew, and just a brilliant fic in general.

[linskiiii]

Raven andreil

[exylover32]

a few months ago i submitted a draft of a kevjean fic for a fiction writing class and my professor (who had never heard of the aftg books in his life btw) gave me some of the most INSANE feedback ever....because what do you mean "we're getting kevin's idea of jean, the absence-shaped jean, the jean whose success kevin made possible by sending him away" and "jean is a person, not a wound kevin is still tending" and "kevin and jean share something that can't be named because its context was unspeakable" and "kevin understands the grammar of the nest: you can protect someone only by protecting them sideways" and "someone who is both present and unreachable. that's kevin's situation with jean." what the fuck. what the actual fuck. i'm going to throw up.

[exylover32]

okay i am so validated by everyone acknowledging how absolutely insane this is. now to answer the question of "wtf did you write." first off, i provided my prof with some background info about the series and kevjean's history, so he wasn't going in completely blind. the fic itself is set about one year after the trojans win the championship (since i assume that's what will happen in tbc). it's a kevin pov that begins with jeremy inviting him to a birthday party he’s throwing for jean. kevin agonizes about it, but ultimately decides to go. there, he finds out that jean and jeremy are together. btw i'm operating under the assumption that kevin has always been somewhat aware of jean's feelings for him and simply not allowed himself to dwell upon them or outwardly reciprocate because that would have damned them both. and now jean has moved on. so kevin leaves the party early, goes back to his hotel room, and drinks himself to sleep. the next morning he wakes up and vomits bloody flower petals. yes this is a hanahaki au. the outline gets increasingly vague as it progresses but i intend to end it on a hopeful note. the draft i submitted, however, had not even gotten to the party scene, and i have not touched it in months. if there is interest though i might be able to lock back in and finish it 😭😭

[exylover32]

a few months ago i submitted a draft of a kevjean fic for a fiction writing class and my professor (who had never heard of the aftg books in his life btw) gave me some of the most INSANE feedback ever....because what do you mean "we're getting kevin's idea of jean, the absence-shaped jean, the jean whose success kevin made possible by sending him away" and "jean is a person, not a wound kevin is still tending" and "kevin and jean share something that can't be named because its context was unspeakable" and "kevin understands the grammar of the nest: you can protect someone only by protecting them sideways" and "someone who is both present and unreachable. that's kevin's situation with jean." what the fuck. what the actual fuck. i'm going to throw up.

[valeriapryanikova]

scopaesthesia; the walls are watching.

[psu-foxes]

hey i know we don’t really talk about this or anything but it’s fine if you tell neil im gay and single. like if it comes up in conversation where hes wondering about my sexuality or relationship status its fine to tell him that i am gay and also single. and its even fine if you tell him that im gay and single when hes not asking about it its fine if you casually tell him that. you can tell him i like men and am currently not in a relationship. however you want to tell him is fine with me. really, it’s fine, renee, if you tell neil that im gay and single, i have no problem if you mention to neil that i am not only gay but i am also single. if he was wondering. or not wondering. or whatever. i don’t care. but if you wanted to tell him im gay and single it’s fine

[vangogosat]

My favorite Rene Walker

[exylover32]

i have this theory that jean's big cathartic moment at the end of tgr when he breaks down and admits he didn't deserve the sexual abuse he experienced is actually preceded by a more subtle version of this moment, one made possible by the fact that it involves the only other person who can understand what he's been through. when andrew realizes that neil could have been similarly abused at evermore, he asks jean to confirm or deny it. jean tells him that it would not have been an appropriate punishment for neil, and andrew, clearly shaken and unimpressed with this answer, presses the issue, asking what circumstances would have made it appropriate. it is jean's response to this that i find most revealing: he says, "you of all people should not have to ask." yes, this is a pointed reference to andrew's own experiences with sexual abuse, but what is jean actually saying? i think he's saying, "you of all people should know there is nothing that could possibly justify it. of course there isn't. but your abusers will tell you there is, and you'll believe them because how else can you make sense of what is happening to you." after he says this, jean digs a thumb into andrew's wrist and drags it up his forearm, where he knows from riko that andrew has self-harm scars. this is him driving home the point, saying "you've had to do things to survive too." because that's what jean's deep-seated conviction of "deserving it" is— a survival mechanism. and at the end of tgr, he finally feels safe enough to let it go.

[foxflees]

proof of survival

[exylover32]

brazilian!matt boyd headcanon is very dear to me…his mother’s family is from bahia i just know it